Interested in thoughts on family building...

[kona]

**this is long**

DW and I really wanted to use a known donor to conceive.  We asked 4 different guys who all originally said yes and then the significant other was against it and we couldn't move forward.  We did find one known donor when we lived in Boston through KDR and tried a few times with at home insemination, without luck and then we moved out of the area.

Fastforward, we ended up using a bank and an RE office to conceive Olivia and the donor cannot be known.  We went through 3 donors and 8 IUIs through the bank as well before we got pregnant.  When we were in the process, it was a lot of money outlay and after awhile it didn't seem like we were ever going to get pregnant.  Maybe our decision making got a little haphazard.  I have a lot of guilt over not using a known donor, so that Olivia will never get to meet the other half of her genetics.

Now we are moving on to TTC#2.  We have 2 vials left with the donor we used for Olivia.  We also had one of our good friends from college offer at Christmas time to donate for us if we decided to have more children.  He lives about 7 hours away so we would realistically have to use a bank and RE again to conceive.  The method of conception aside (if I try I really don't want to have to use the RE), now we are left with the possibility that Olivia would be the only child that would not know who her biological make up is from.  We could try with the remaining 2 vials and not get pregnant again.  He doesn't have any more vials left so we would be out of options to give her a bio or 1/2 bio sibling anyway.  Or do we just move on and use or friend who so willingly offered.  (It could always still fall through with him until we have a signed contract but he is a really level headed guy). 

I need to come to some peace with this before we move forward.  I feel like this is such a parenting fail and she's only 8 months old.  I don't want her to have any issues regarding her family as we love her to pieces and wanted her more than anything.  I feel like it's just human nature to want to know where you came from and I'm afraid I don't have adequate answers for her.

Any thoughts?  Thanks for letting me share, there is no one IRL that would understand this issue.

[RM80]

I’m sorry you’re struggling with this *hugs*. No matter what, Olivia will now she is loved by you two and you did whatever you needed to do to get to her! I think it’s natural as parents to question the choices we make, but please be gentle on yourself. Many, many people choose anonymous donors and for lots of different reasons, this is just your story.

I can see why you would be worried about her not having the option for a connection, but there are other connections you can try to facilitate for her with other donor siblings. This is something that if you do go the known donor route again, would be unique to her and not likely something her brother/sister would have. There really is no easy/clear answer here…

If this were me (which means this is just my perspective and not what you should/shouldn’t do!) I would probably use the last two vials I had so that I could look at Olivia later and tell her that I had tried to give her a genetic sibling & when then that didn’t work, we had to grow our family another way. Or- if it does work, then Olivia will have her genetic sibling to share the journey with & someone else who shares her history & connection to the donor.

Also- I know it’s not very common, at least I suspect it isn’t but I’m guessing there is always the possibility that when she is 18 she can reach out to the donor through the clinic and the donor may have other feelings on meeting the donor kids. I’m not saying its likely, but you just never know. Lots can change in 18 years.

Again- I’m sorry you’re struggling with this, thinking of you guys are you are thinking on number 2! It’s an exciting time & remember to be gentle with yourself!

[RM80]

Oh- I also should have said, before we started working with our RE, we had to see a therapist. She was great and she asked us lots of questions about stuff like this to get us thinking about what we would say & how we wanted to frame things for our families and future kids. We decided we were totally going to use her if we struggled with what to say/how to say it in the future. If you have access to a good family therapist, it might not be a bad idea to have a chat with someone who can help you with the words you want to use for Olivia and how you want to discuss the topic. It might help you to take some of the 'guilty' feelings out of it. Just a thought!

[karlamo]

oh kona, the decisions that we have to make as parents are never easy. I wish I had some wise words to offer but I think this is a case where you have to do what feels right for you and your wife.

I want to share a different POV about it being important to know where you came from. I have a good friend who was adopted as a baby. She didn't tell me she was adopted until I told her we were TTC. Her mother tried for 7 years to get pregnant and couldn't so she adopted. Then 7 months later after the adoption she got pregnant. My friend and her sister are amazingly close. She said she never cared to find her bio parents. She has a family and knows who they are.

I know it's easy to assume everyone will want to know their bio roots, but the truth is many people don't care to and are not looking to; they feel fullfilled with their life just as it is. So as much planning as we are doing now as parents to ensure they have all the access to genetic info when the time comes, the truth is our children may care less about this stuff.

[shemarie82]

Apr 6, 2015 5:41:33 GMT -5 kona said:

**this is long**

DW and I really wanted to use a known donor to conceive.  We asked 4 different guys who all originally said yes and then the significant other was against it and we couldn't move forward.  We did find one known donor when we lived in Boston through KDR and tried a few times with at home insemination, without luck and then we moved out of the area.

Fastforward, we ended up using a bank and an RE office to conceive Olivia and the donor cannot be known.  We went through 3 donors and 8 IUIs through the bank as well before we got pregnant.  When we were in the process, it was a lot of money outlay and after awhile it didn't seem like we were ever going to get pregnant.  Maybe our decision making got a little haphazard.  I have a lot of guilt over not using a known donor, so that Olivia will never get to meet the other half of her genetics.

Now we are moving on to TTC#2.  We have 2 vials left with the donor we used for Olivia.  We also had one of our good friends from college offer at Christmas time to donate for us if we decided to have more children.  He lives about 7 hours away so we would realistically have to use a bank and RE again to conceive.  The method of conception aside (if I try I really don't want to have to use the RE), now we are left with the possibility that Olivia would be the only child that would not know who her biological make up is from.  We could try with the remaining 2 vials and not get pregnant again.  He doesn't have any more vials left so we would be out of options to give her a bio or 1/2 bio sibling anyway.  Or do we just move on and use or friend who so willingly offered.  (It could always still fall through with him until we have a signed contract but he is a really level headed guy). 

I need to come to some peace with this before we move forward.  I feel like this is such a parenting fail and she's only 8 months old.  I don't want her to have any issues regarding her family as we love her to pieces and wanted her more than anything.  I feel like it's just human nature to want to know where you came from and I'm afraid I don't have adequate answers for her.

Any thoughts?  Thanks for letting me share, there is no one IRL that would understand this issue.

My sister has never met her father, and feels no need to do so.  My mom got pregnant by him, and then he left.  She has no medical history or anything from him, but she is okay with that.  He chose to not be in her life, and she is choosing to not seek him out.  Interestingly, she had a daughter with a married man and my sister has virtually kept my niece away from him so she knows nothing of him.  The reality is that he hasn't tried that hard to get to know her either but that is a whole different subject. 

Genetics are important, but they don't make a family.  My sister and niece both have complete families, without knowing their genetics.  My dad died when I was 9, and I have very limited family medical history for his side of the family.  Neither my sister or I hold our mom responsible for the lack of genetic knowledge.

I hope that my ramblings can make some sort of sense.  There is no question that you want what is best for Olivia, and you are not failing her!

[PiradicalMaid]

I have a couple anecdotes to share as well- my SO was adopted and has never felt any inclination to seek out her bio family. The family that raised her is her family and the only one she is interested in having a relationship with.

Story #2- I grew up with twins who had been conceived through a sperm donor. I didn't know that for years, because it was really of very little importance to them. Their family was their family and neither of them had any interest in seeking out the donor.

That being said, you never know how someone will feel. Like RM80 said, it's a part of parenthood to question our decisions. Of course you want what's best for your LO. I'm sure that you will give her love and support and will validate her feelings, whatever they are, about how she came to you.

I don't know what I would do in your situation, but I'm sure that you will figure out what is best for you and your family. Just like any decision, parenting or otherwise, you will probably wonder what would have happened if you'd chosen differently. All you can do is what feels and seems best with the information and circumstance you're in now

[wittyandwaiting]

I've read over this a few times and I feel like my answer is a total not answer, so I apologize in advance for that.

I know it sounds cliché but from my own experience I've learned that so little of what creates a family is actually blood or genetics.

Regardless of what you choose to do, Olivia will know that she was wanted and that she was created with love; there are many children who don't have that.

In our family, DS has a father that he sees and spends time with and future LO won't; like @twomimsintx said, this is just our story. I've never met my bio father and I'm okay with that; I've never really looked.

I don't know what I would do in your position but, I honestly believe that whatever decision you make will be okay.

[officerofthelaw]

We struggled with that decision as well.  Our sperm bank allows known and unknown donors so the parents have say so.  We originally chose an open donor so that our child could meet them if they wanted to.  Then we ran out of vials and he was no longer donating.  We went with our second choice which was an unknown donor and although it hurts me a little bit that my child will never know all of where they came from, I have peace of mind knowing that I tried.  You tried and that's all you can do.  I would suggest finding a cryo bank that allows open and closed donors.  I say finish out the last two vials and if that doesn't work, use the family friend, then at least one of your children will know.  Don't beat yourself up about it.

Apr 6, 2015 5:41:33 GMT -5 kona said:

**this is long**

DW and I really wanted to use a known donor to conceive.  We asked 4 different guys who all originally said yes and then the significant other was against it and we couldn't move forward.  We did find one known donor when we lived in Boston through KDR and tried a few times with at home insemination, without luck and then we moved out of the area.

Fastforward, we ended up using a bank and an RE office to conceive Olivia and the donor cannot be known.  We went through 3 donors and 8 IUIs through the bank as well before we got pregnant.  When we were in the process, it was a lot of money outlay and after awhile it didn't seem like we were ever going to get pregnant.  Maybe our decision making got a little haphazard.  I have a lot of guilt over not using a known donor, so that Olivia will never get to meet the other half of her genetics.

Now we are moving on to TTC#2.  We have 2 vials left with the donor we used for Olivia.  We also had one of our good friends from college offer at Christmas time to donate for us if we decided to have more children.  He lives about 7 hours away so we would realistically have to use a bank and RE again to conceive.  The method of conception aside (if I try I really don't want to have to use the RE), now we are left with the possibility that Olivia would be the only child that would not know who her biological make up is from.  We could try with the remaining 2 vials and not get pregnant again.  He doesn't have any more vials left so we would be out of options to give her a bio or 1/2 bio sibling anyway.  Or do we just move on and use or friend who so willingly offered.  (It could always still fall through with him until we have a signed contract but he is a really level headed guy). 

I need to come to some peace with this before we move forward.  I feel like this is such a parenting fail and she's only 8 months old.  I don't want her to have any issues regarding her family as we love her to pieces and wanted her more than anything.  I feel like it's just human nature to want to know where you came from and I'm afraid I don't have adequate answers for her.

Any thoughts?  Thanks for letting me share, there is no one IRL that would understand this issue.

[Deleted]

I was in the same situation Kona and OOL- I tried to use a known donor, and then ended up with a closed donor. I have alot of feelings about that- my own dad died when I was 2 and Ive had lots of questions about him. ONe way I fight the guilt is by finding and connecting to his 1/2 sibs. If he wants connection to a larger family- they are there. I understand your feelings and also have had feelings that Ive failed my son on this regard. No real answers, but its also likely by the time they are of age there will be no such thing as an unknown donor- IE there will be means to find out about parentage. My neighbors have one daughter each using the same donor biologically they are only related by their unknown donor. But no less a family.

[kona]

Thank you for all of the thoughtful responses. Thank you all for sharing your stories. I do believe in my heart that genetics does not make a family. It does help to know that not all people will have the desire to know his/her genetic make up. I never could have anticipated the things I would worry about as a parent! I find more peace with making the most practical decisions to have more children and be very open with them about why and how we made these decisions as they were always made with love. And as one of my college professors always said, Love awalys wins.

[wittyandwaiting]

Apr 7, 2015 5:08:04 GMT -5 kona said:

And as one of my college professors always said, Love awalys wins.

THIS!!!!!