Can I cry here for a bit?

[leahks77]

Hi ladies. I'm so sad to be here, but I think this board is where I need to be right now. I have hung out on CAL and GKU but so much of my life and emotions revolve around my son at this moment and I would never dream of hurting anyone there... I am so grateful that this is here today.
My story... SO and I have a wonderful 20mo DS. He's my joy and light and the happiest kiddo. I would be truly lost without him. We starting TFAS in August (I stopped BC the day he turned 1 in the end of July). We were so lucky to get pregnant in Sept. All went so well at first, baby looked great, had a HB, measured on track. Then at 11wks there was no growth. I had a d&c at 12wks. We were cleared again in Jan, and got pregnant again in March. I was shocked and thrilled and scared, but kept breathing. I started spotting yesterday and just knew. Betas came back at 12 at 5wks 2days and I've been bleeding ever since.
These past 6 months have been so hard. My mom was diagnosed with cancer, and went through chemo and surgery and more chemo, (although she just had a clear scan a couple weeks ago, thank goodness). We lost a dear dear friend, my "other mother", very suddenly a month ago to a freak complication of the flu. It has been unreal. And now the second loss... Right now I'm so scared that all this sadness is making me a bad mother. That he's going to sense it and it's going to hurt him. And that makes me cry more. Also, my friends who I have told about both losses just don't seem to know what to do with me this time... Like I'm broken and there isn't anything to say anymore. And maybe I feel that way too.
Ugh. I'm so sorry this got so long. So many treats and wine to anyone who got through this. I think I really needed to get all that out. Thank you all for being here. I hate that we are. But it means so so much.

[mlal78]

I am so sorry leahks77.
Im my experience my boys have been pretty unaware of emotional turmoil due to losses. They have seen me cry, but they don't know why other than mom is sad, and they forget it pretty quickly.

You have had so much upset the last little while, and it is okay to be sad. You are not being a bad mother to your son though. Huge (((hugs)))

[jmc11511]

I'm so sorry for all you have gone through recently.

My 3 year old just knew I was sad and we were pretty lazy for a bit. He survived. Be kind to yourself.

[leahks77]

Thank you all so much. This time around I think it will be a little easier, both because of the situation (earlier MC) and my experience. DS was just excited that he got to watch a little extra Sesame today. Everything I have read from you all in other posts resonates so much. He makes it easier, and the baby snuggles brighten my day. But it doesn't make it disappear, and I don't think people get that. I am so grateful to have one. And I am so grateful that we have gotten pregnant two other times. But it doesn't make me miss my other babies any less... ((Hugs)) to all of you ladies.

[fabk]

I'm so sorry.
My son is also 20months. He has no clue what is going on other than mommy has an Ouchie.

[eaglewife]

Hi and welcome leahks77. I'm so sorry for your losses and all that you are going through. Your mom getting cleared is good news. Here's hoping for more positives as we all move forward. Big hugs.

[Ace]

I'm so sorry for your losses and everything else that you've gone through over the past six months. I can say that my 2 year old doesn't really get anything that is going on beyond mommy being "sick". Be kind to yourself. Hugs.

[salsawifey]

I'm so sorry for all your losses.  It's hard when they start to consume who you are.  I know with me, I've felt cursed.  Like it was one thing after another after another and I wasn't sure how much more I could take.  I needed my friends to remind me to look at the positives and I'm still struggling with that today.  (((Hugs)))