Parenting Check In (4/13)

[karlamo]

Good Morning!

How was everyone's week and weekend?  Anything you care to share?

Parenting
kh826
karlamo
jgy
sherminator
mahler5
wittyandwaiting
kona
strings
mrsnorris
2mrsks (mrs&mrsk)
jennicole
amberreva

QOTW:  If you had a whole day off without having to parent LO, what would you do?

[Stringy]

OMG you guys the terrible 2's. My kid is like a stranger. Friday and saturday were the worst. And its not just tantrums, she has been super clingy and attached. Every day I've left for work in the last week has been tears and screaming and reaching for me. And she's with her grandparents. Its just not a fun way to start the day.

Clothes have been a battle, bedtime has been a battle (different from usual), she cries when one of us takes a shower or goes in the basement to do laundry. Its exhausting and frustrating and I don't know whats going on with her. We spent a week in California and got back about 5 days ago, but she was with us (and one grandparent) the whole time and nothing traumatic happened.

Is the separation anxiety just a phase (yes, I know it is)? Does it usually have a trigger or just a new capacity to understand we are leaving?

The new sleep problem is she wants in our bed. Ok that isn't new, but she fell out of it the other morning (mom fail) and so I said no more. Its not safe and we can't reconfigure it. So one of us has been sleeping on couch cushions on the floor next to her bed in her room for the last week - but she has a meltdown at bedime for our bed. and then again when she wakes up at night. Just SO upset even though one of us is right there. FWIW she has always gone to be initially in her room, so that isn't new.

On a good note we all had a nice day yesterday with no tragedies until the MOTN. So we got a little break. But back at it when I had to leave this morning. Its so tiring and frustrating. I want to help her and comfort her but I also want her to suck it up and deal. That's so horrible to say.

[karlamo]

Stringy, Sometimes I think we are partenting the same kid.

R is attached to me at the leg and hip. We have been dealing with it for months now. It gets better then worse and just this past weekend it got lots better. I actually had a break and wasn't bending over 20 times a day to pick him up when there is a perfectly acceptable mom standing right next to him. From my research, it's a phase and comes and goes without any triggers. Just toddler being toddler.


On the R front, he is being his cute, energentic self. Since the weather here was beautiful we had lots of outside playtime which was awesome. R took him to the Zoo yesterday. He enjoys people watching over the animals which is fine with us. He also took some killer naps all weekend and so we were able to sit and watch a tv show together! It's the little things...

We had lunch with a couple friend and their 6 month old. I was holding said 6 month old and R wasn't pleased. All of sudden he needed to be picked up. So when I passed baby to Mamosey, well, now he need her to pick him up. Looks like we need to work on sharing mommies since his little brother/sister will be here soon.

So with having a son, we are really trying to expose him to what some would label as "girl" toys. He had a pink minnie mouse walker, he has a broom set,and a kitchen set that he loves to play with.
So for Easter I bought him a Barbie to play with in the tub. Total fail. He's sacred of it. I think it's the floating hair. He will actually back away from it when it starts to float near him. It's kinda cute. I feel like, hey, we tried. My next "girl" purchase is a baby doll so we can practice holding his sibling.

Any other moms to boys buy your kid toys that are geared towards girls? I feel like society puts so much emphasis on girls being strong etc.. that they forget that boys need to learn how to be more senstive and express that side of themselves without toy guns.

QOTW: A day off would be AWESOME! I'd sleep in, then go for a run. Followed by a long shower and yummy breakfast with hot coffee that didn't need to be reheated. I would run errands and then just hang out at home. After a few hours, I'd get bored and wonder what I ever did before kids.

[Stringy]

How old is R now karlamo? I always forget? But this isn't the first separation anxiety phase we've been through. 18 months was really hard, but she came through it and has been fine. I wasn't really expecting another one right now. Especially around people she knows like her grandparents. She's never really been outgoing to strangers, but we ran into some friends at the park yesterday and she seriously hid her face in my shoulder and wouldn't even look at them!

I always forget QOTW: A day off!? Alone or with my SO? I would make an awesome breakfast and eat it on the porch with coffee. A run or bike ride would be great. Maybe work on some projects that need it. If it were bad weather I'd plant in front of the tv and binge watch something, anything. If nice probably a walk/hike or find the ocean. We were just wondering WTF we did on saturday mornings w/o a toddler? I can't imagine.

[karlamo]

Stringy, He's 14 months going on 3. He is having the worst tantrums. My wife has been taking pictures and posting them. They are very funny to look at, but not in the moment.

He's seperation anxiety started at 9 months:( Daycare drop off's are wicked fun

[kh826]

I haven't had time to read everyone's updates yet -- super busy work day.
Here is a quick update from me in the meantime...

William is 10 months. He thinks he is way older LOL
We have a bottom molar!
Since it broke through he has slept better and been much more like himself.
That makes 9 teeth in total.
He is walking up a storm with his push toy that my MIL bought him for Easter. He does great with it and walks laps in the family room for 20-30 mins until he gets tired. It is hysterical, and also a great way to keep him occupied for a few minutes, because otherwise he is EVERYWHERE!
He hasn't taken any steps without holding our hands or his push toy, but I feel it coming very soon.
He is a ball of energy, and the only time he likes to sit still is if he is eating or sleeping.
He tried watermelon last night and totally loved it. He is basically eating 3 meals a day now and he has cut out a bottle. He just doesn't drink it even if we offer it to him. So now he is getting 4 5-oz bottles a day and three small meals. At dinner he mostly eats what we eat. We are still trying to get him to take a sippy with water consistently. Some days he does and others he has no interest. We just ordered a sippy with a straw though - I think that might help.
He added "OK" to his little vocabulary over the weekend. It is so stinkin cute.

Ok, I have to run to a meeting, so that will have to be it for the moment. I will try to come back later!!!

[mahler5]

C is almost 14 months.

She has started signing "more" all the time. It really means "food" in our house. She does it in the morning before breakfast and she does it if she doesn't like her food and wants something else. At a playdate at the park last week she did it after she tried to take this kid's banana and the poor kid dropped half of it in the dirt before I could intervene. I felt a bit of a parenting fail then. And my crackers were not what she wanted. She's getting very particular about what she wants to eat. She's finally consistently dropping her first nap but it makes her hungrier earlier for lunch I think too.

She's climbing more. Our blockade blocking off the kitchen and doggie area isn't so toddler proof anymore so we need to fix that.

She is clingier at times too. She definitely doesn't like it when I leave the room or when L does but usually gets over it. And she throws mini tantrums that are getting less mini. I thought she was going to fall out of the shopping cart this morning when I took the keys away from her (only gave them to her as quick fix -- It's her favorite thing that I don't let her play with). She flails her head back and screams. Luckily we were in the parking lot by then. And she was getting tired since she has dropped her first nap and it has thrown her off. At least that is my reasoning for it. Who knows. Maybe she is just like this now.


She's had a lot of fun outside recently. We've been going on some walks later in the day after dinner which has been great.

QOTW-- the sad thing is it's been so long since I've had this that I'm not even sure what I would do. If it was warmer maybe lay out by the pool in the late morning after sleeping in and going to brunch. Then maybe a bike ride on a trail. And definitely a movie. Dinner at a nice, not kid friendly, restaurant. Maybe get a hotel room after. If we had more than a day I would say go on a trip just me and L.

[karlamo]

mahler5, "Who knows. Maybe she is just like this now."

This.

Are you part of any other parenting groups? I know in my group we are all going through this right now. It's nice to hear that I'm not alone and R is normal. BTDT moms say is doesn't get better till way later. Right Stringy?
My wife has been having fun with his outbursts and taking his picture then posting why he is having a meltdown.

[jgy]

Stringy, mahler5, karlamo, settle on in for the long haul. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but it lasts a while. The good thing is that there seem to be little patches of sunshine, just long enough to make you wonder "Are we through this?" No, probably not. I cried big fat ugly tears this weekend. G thought I was laughing (in fairness to him, I'm a VERY ugly cryer/sobber, and it could certainly be confusing to a 2 year old). Anyway, his reaction ... my sweet, loving, sensitive boy's reaction ... was to kick me repeatedly in the shin.

W.T.F.

I will say on the positive side of all of this, is that it is the product of new skills and further understanding of the world around them. And with that comes more success with different types of parenting techniques. I've been kind of shocked at some of the concepts that G now responds to; that he understands enough to think through and utilize in his decision making. So there's that. For, you know, when you have a free couple of hours to read up on more parenting and discipline techniques. Hah.

Sending hugs to all of you. It can be so SO hard. But then they sleep (except for you Stringy, sorry about that), and you look at them and they are so peaceful and beautiful and your heart swells and you remember how awesome it is to be their parent.

[Stringy]

jgy any reccs for toddler books? Or the faster way- tell me what you learned!!

[mahler5]

Apr 13, 2015 15:14:15 GMT -5 karlamo said:

mahler5, "Who knows. Maybe she is just like this now."

This.

Are you part of any other parenting groups? I know in my group we are all going through this right now. It's nice to hear that I'm not alone and R is normal. BTDT moms say is doesn't get better till way later. Right Stringy?
My wife has been having fun with his outbursts and taking his picture then posting why he is having a meltdown.

I'm in a breastfeeding support group and I meet pretty regularly bi-weekly with some moms from it for play dates. That is helpful for sure. I think I need to do some more research and maybe some more soul searching on how I react to the tantrums. I don't want to RE-enforce them but I don't want to not respond to her when she is legitimately upset. It's just hard to know what is legitimate to a toddler?

[wittyandwaiting]

I don't have a lot to say this week. DS was sick this weekend with a cough / cold so we hung out, watched TV and chatted. Things are going well with him otherwise, he's started this dramatic, over emphasized, sigh recently that I'm totally ignoring but gets right under my skin. I figure if he's 13 and that's the most annoying thing that's happening...I'm winning at raising a teen right now. This weekend he had a project to do about prescription stimulant abuse for school so we had lots of discussion about that. (Yikes!)

I'm feeling for you all who are in the terrible two's (which with DS spread to his three's...sorry). I remember being very selective with battles and trying to give him choices whenever there was one (here's three shirts; pick one.).

karlamo I really LOL'd about the Barbie. FWIW, I banned guns until DS was about 8 and even now he can't have any realistic looking guns - just nerf guns and water guns. We gave him options of all toys, he had a baby for a bit but didn't really care until he had a kitchen set - then he wanted to cook for it and put in in the high chair and put it for a nap every time he was done with it. I think for him, he needed something tangible to do with the baby.

QOTW: This happens to me a few times a month when DS goes to his father's house and it's generally pretty boring; I run errands, plan appointments and grocery shop.

[jgy]

Stringy, I have stopped and started 1 book a million times. It's called Kids Are Worth It! by Barbara Coloroso. I have to admit that I haven't even gotten far enough in it to have taken anything concrete away that I can put into practice, but I've been really touched by the overall approach to how we think about kids in general. Being, the world's kids, the neighborhood's kids, all kids not just "My" kid. So that's not helpful to you, but ...

Things with which we've had varying degrees of success:
1. As wittyandwaiting suggests above, choices are key. Limited choices. G cannot handle 3 choices yet in the abstract (he could certainly pick from 1 of 3 shirts in front of him, but questions like "Do you want to eat a banana, an orange, or oatmeal?" don't work - too much). Choices of 2 options work really well. Like, I kinda can't believe it sometimes. So a situation might be that it's time for bed and there are a few things that need to get done first. He wants to play basketball, but I've asked him to come brush his teeth and he's refusing. So I say "G which do you want to do first, brush your teeth or get your ear medicine?" Both unsavory options, yet he'll stop doing what he actually wants to be doing (neither of the choices) and pick one of the two choices given, and go do it. Then we do the other. I guess it's a combination of redirection with a little bit of sense of control mixed in. And we always give TONS of praise for a good choice made, even when we didn't present the choices to him he just made one on his own. "Great choice Buddy, I'm so proud of you!" Blah blah blah.
2. Wiggle time. I have yet to see this in any parenting book or advice column, as far as I'm concerned we made it up. There are certain things that G just doesn't ever want to do in any kind of speedy fashion. Getting into his car seat is A #1 on this list. I've found it to be really effective to give him some time in the car to get his wiggles out before asking him to comply with the seat and the harness. So, as long as we're not in a big rush, we get in the car and I ask "Do you need some wiggle time before you sit in your seat?" If he says yes, I let him free and he climbs around and looks out the window and plays and I typically check my phone (to keep from getting frustrated). After a few minutes I then resort to #3 below, which tends to go more smoothly after wiggle time:
3. Countdowns with consequences. So, I never wanted to do this. I honestly do agree when people ask "Why would you give your child 10 seconds to ignore your requests?" My answer right now? Because it works. It's creating and managing the opportunity for success, and giving a 2 year old brain a few extra seconds to think through the situation and weigh the potential consequence. Anyway, we always follow the full protocol - "G, I need you to do xyz, so I'm going to count to 10 and by the time I get to 10 I need you to be doing xyz, or else I'm going to have to help you do it." (Sometimes I add "And you probably won't like that) Then I count, sometimes fast, sometimes slow, reading the situation. 9 times out of 10 he does it and I praise the hell out of him. The 1 time out of 10 that he doesn't comply sucks, but I absolutely follow through and make him do it, even if that means physically forcing him into his car seat. I typically take that opportunity to remind him that he had the chance to do it on his own but he lost the privilege because I got all the way to 10. His protests seem to be much shorter in duration once we've been through the whole rigamaroll of this, than if I'd just asked him to do it a bunch of times and then ended up forcing him anyway. I know all of this seems like a long story to type out, but it's really important to go through the whole thing every time. Lots of times I hear S get frustrated with him and she just randomly starts to count and things don't go well. He really needs the whole situation laid out for him. I mean, in reality, it's still a choice he's making and he needs to know the terms. I do worry that this will backfire at some point, and things that are not/should not be choices will be an issue. But right now I'm relying on positive reinforcement to help mitigate that future issue. Hoping. Praying. Oh, and I'm really careful to not end my requests to him with "Okay?" I'm not asking him to agree to the terms. I also don't ask "Ready?" I might say "Do you understand?" But that's it.

If I find anything else effective, I'll let you know. Time outs don't work in our house. Maybe I need a lesson, but I can't figure out how on earth you get them to sit there. Not happening.

Good luck!

[Stringy]

Thanks jgy. We've done most of those things. Or should I say that I have. I think one of our biggest problems is my wife is horrible about ending things in "okay?" And I've told her a billion times, when M then responds, "no" - and then she makes her do it anyway - that it is really not at all fair to M to ask her something, have her say no, and then make the decision for her. I've told her this, and she agrees, but doesn't seem to try to be better at it.

The choices of shirts/clothes definitely helps, though the other night any pajamas were rejected - but I think she was overtired anyway.

I giggle at the car seat thing, being outside for the first time in forever yesterday- all she wanted to do was get in the car and play with the seat. She is obsessed. She wants to buckle it, unbuckle it, buckler herself in, buckle a stuffed animal in. All. day. long. Which also leads to the realization that she unbuckled the chest clip while we were riding the other day. She hasn't done it since and I didn't notice until we were home - but ugh I hope that doesn't become a battle. I don't think she would quite understand any consequences that aren't immediate, and pulling over probably wouldn't matter to her.

We haven't run into any timeout situations yet so I haven't tried it. And I'm hoping not to. Usually her meltdowns are just over needing to do something (eat, change diaper, us leaving, turn off tv) so I don't think those are the right situations. She isn't a hitter or climber (I know G loves to climb!) where she needs to be removed from a situation yet.

I did also realizing when she was having her meltdowns that having both parents try to help wasn't helping. Did you guys make a plan for how to deal with these things? I would love to do that but I dunno if DW would be on board. Lately she's gotten a little defensive if I critique her parenting, even if I don't mean to be critical, just to remind her not to do things like say "time for bath, okay?". So there's a little tension there. So anyone have any parenting in a relationship advice? . I almost want to just be like, let me deal with them - but obv that isn't a great idea either. I guess that is actually why I was hoping for a book or easy list of recc things, so its not coming from me, but from "hey I found this great book on 2 year old behavior."

Ok I'm rambling for sure now.

[karlamo]

Stringy, jgy, This is an awesome discussion. Thanks for starting it.

While R may only be 14 months, we have already started with many of these issues and how to handle them. A few months ago we started with the "2 choices" concept to give him some control. Of course for his age this means pointing at them.

For temper tantrums, I have taken the approach of saying no, the reason why I am saying no and then letting him vent his opposition by throwing himself to the floor. I make sure he is safe and then I walk away. Right now they are lasting about 1-2 min before he gets bored and moves on.

Our big issue is standing in the tub. He fell and wacked his lip really hard and since then we are super strict. He gets 3 chances to sit and then we drain the water. For him this is the end of the world. He loves his water but again it's a safety concern.

We know that R is way too young to fully grasp the meaning behind what we are doing and the consequences for his actions, but we believe this is the age we need to start taking control. 1. We need to get used to disciplining him and 2. He is a clever kid and he is watching and processing everything going on around him. He already knows when he is doing something wrong because he looks at us for a reaction.
I keep thining that one day it will all click for him.

As for us both being on the same page.....le sigh. It's hit or miss.

[jgy]

Stringy, karlamo, I really want to talk more about being on the same page parenting-wise, and effective ways at delivering feedback to each other.

S tends to make parenting "Suggestions" to me the same way that she points out bad choices to G. In the moment. It drives me insane in both situations. The time to tell me that perhaps I should just do one thing rather than another is not right then when I'm at the peak of frustration. Same theory, the time to tell G that he shouldn't jump off of chairs is not when he's crying in pain with a bloody nose that has resulted from this action. Take some time, let everyone calm down, then talk about it when someone might actually listen to what you're saying!

What have you found to be effective in communicating about parenting strategies and decisions with your partner? To be totally honest, S and I have so little time together (and to be brutally honest, she spends so little time parenting G), that we really don't talk much about it. We stupidly operate under the assumption that we agree on most major principles and then are shocked when we come upon and area where we disagree. And we both get grumpy about it.

Very helpful and mature.

[mahler5]

Apr 15, 2015 9:28:33 GMT -5 jgy said:

Stringy, karlamo, I really want to talk more about being on the same page parenting-wise, and effective ways at delivering feedback to each other.

S tends to make parenting "Suggestions" to me the same way that she points out bad choices to G. In the moment. It drives me insane in both situations. The time to tell me that perhaps I should just do one thing rather than another is not right then when I'm at the peak of frustration. Same theory, the time to tell G that he shouldn't jump off of chairs is not when he's crying in pain with a bloody nose that has resulted from this action. Take some time, let everyone calm down, then talk about it when someone might actually listen to what you're saying!

What have you found to be effective in communicating about parenting strategies and decisions with your partner? To be totally honest, S and I have so little time together (and to be brutally honest, she spends so little time parenting G), that we really don't talk much about it. We stupidly operate under the assumption that we agree on most major principles and then are shocked when we come upon and area where we disagree. And we both get grumpy about it.

Very helpful and mature.

I'm glad you brought this up. I am interested in everyone's take on this. As C has gotten so active and more a toddler I find L and I have more disagreements regarding how we parent. She is also tends to freak out about little things. But I think there is a huge difference too because I SAH and so I get used to C doing certain things and she comes home and is way overprotective at times. And she would probably argue I'm not strict enough etc.

Anyway, I know that's a different dynamic and I don't want to butt in to the conversation. But glad you mentioned this.

Sorry your wife is so busy with work. That would be really hard. But sounds like you are doing an amazing job with G. I got a lot out of your toddler anecdotes post.

[2mrsks (mrs&mrsk)]

Ds sees mobiles, is colicy and our lives suck lol maybe I can post more another week lol

[mahler5]

Apr 15, 2015 15:49:15 GMT -5 2mrsks (mrs&mrsk) said:

Ds sees mobiles, is colicy and our lives suck lol maybe I can post more another week lol

Hang in there! It gets so much better!

[wittyandwaiting]

Apr 15, 2015 15:49:15 GMT -5 2mrsks (mrs&mrsk) said:

Ds sees mobiles, is colicy and our lives suck lol maybe I can post more another week lol

I'm sorry life sucks right now.

I does get better. I promise.

[Stringy]

Hang in there 2mrsks (mrs&mrsk),

The parenting dynamic is so hard. I don't have any real answers. We split parenting pretty 50/50 - but we do have different things we are overprotective about or value differently. My wife is always worried about her being cold (less so now that she's not a baby) but I'm not so worried about it. I'm a little more free range, let her fall and get up, let her walk on the sidewalk without holding her hand in a safe area, just let her explore and be free. If she falls and I know she isn't really hurt, I don't immediately pick her up and snuggle her, I am there to help and offer a hug and show her how to brush it off. I care more about making sure she eats a variety of healthy foods, and not junk. She doesn't care about that as much. None of these things are huge, but sometimes they annoy each other when we are all together. And as we move more into the behavior management phase, we should be on the same page.

I have zero answers on how to communicate them. During the week my wife leaves before we are up, then I wait for whichever grandparent is coming, then I leave. She gets home before dinner, I get home during or at dinner. We all try to eat together, but dinner w/a toddler doesn't involve much conversation. Then one does bath, one does dishes/laundry. One does bed, the other makes lunch for the next day. Due to marathon bedtimes that don't end until 830 or 9 many nights, we pretty much say hi, maybe watch a show, and go to bed. So there's just no time or energy for us to plan these things. Weekends, I guess?

[kona]

Apr 15, 2015 19:21:20 GMT -5 Stringy said:

I have zero answers on how to communicate them. During the week my wife leaves before we are up, then I wait for whichever grandparent is coming, then I leave. She gets home before dinner, I get home during or at dinner. We all try to eat together, but dinner w/a toddler doesn't involve much conversation. Then one does bath, one does dishes/laundry. One does bed, the other makes lunch for the next day. Due to marathon bedtimes that don't end until 830 or 9 many nights, we pretty much say hi, maybe watch a show, and go to bed. So there's just no time or energy for us to plan these things. Weekends, I guess?

This sounds so much like my life it is really scary.  And I work most weekends.  DW and I aren't at the stage yet to really discuss parenting, (O is 8 months) but how do you have a relationship at all?  This has become a real issue for me.  I miss my wife and now that we are out of the newborn stuff it is becoming apparent that this is our life for awhile.  We have family nearby but they aren't really that helpful which makes things worse.  So we never really get away.

i realize that this has turned into a big whine but wow this is rough.  My daughter is awesome but parenting is legit.

[Stringy]

Apr 15, 2015 19:52:27 GMT -5 kona said:

Apr 15, 2015 19:21:20 GMT -5 Stringy said:

I have zero answers on how to communicate them. During the week my wife leaves before we are up, then I wait for whichever grandparent is coming, then I leave. She gets home before dinner, I get home during or at dinner. We all try to eat together, but dinner w/a toddler doesn't involve much conversation. Then one does bath, one does dishes/laundry. One does bed, the other makes lunch for the next day. Due to marathon bedtimes that don't end until 830 or 9 many nights, we pretty much say hi, maybe watch a show, and go to bed. So there's just no time or energy for us to plan these things. Weekends, I guess?

This sounds so much like my life it is really scary.  And I work most weekends.  DW and I aren't at the stage yet to really discuss parenting, (O is 8 months) but how do you have a relationship at all?  This has become a real issue for me.  I miss my wife and now that we are out of the newborn stuff it is becoming apparent that this is our life for awhile.  We have family nearby but they aren't really that helpful which makes things worse.  So we never really get away.

i realize that this has turned into a big whine but wow this is rough.  My daughter is awesome but parenting is legit.

It is hard. Personally I think our relationship has taken a hit - I'm not sure if she agrees quite as much, but I might be needier than her.  We do have family to help, but they help while we work so we rarely ask them to help at other times, and if we do its usually for events like weddings - not just a date night.  We do really enjoy our weekends together, for the most part. But then sometimes on weekends we need to do errands, grocery shop, and all the other life things that two working parents barely think of during the week. I dunno, its just survival mode I guess. If our kid just went quietly to bed at 730 like most kids her age - it would help a lot. Or if she took 2-3 hour naps on weekends. But...no.

[jgy]

Apr 15, 2015 13:53:45 GMT -5 mahler5 said:

Apr 15, 2015 9:28:33 GMT -5 jgy said:

I'm glad you brought this up. I am interested in everyone's take on this. As C has gotten so active and more a toddler I find L and I have more disagreements regarding how we parent. She is also tends to freak out about little things. But I think there is a huge difference too because I SAH and so I get used to C doing certain things and she comes home and is way overprotective at times. And she would probably argue I'm not strict enough etc.

Anyway, I know that's a different dynamic and I don't want to butt in to the conversation. But glad you mentioned this.

mahler5, we have exactly the same problem at times.  Because I am home with G a lot more, I am way more comfortable with some of the things that he is capable of doing.  Stairs, for example.  He's a rockstar.  I'm not saying that we shouldn't be diligent and watchful; I mean even a 5 year old can easily fall down the stairs.  But I don't find it necessary to spot him on each step every single time he goes up and down.  S totally disagrees.  And not only does she insist on doing it, but I can see her get cranky at me when I do not.  Stringy, this totally applies to your situation too.

I also sometimes think it's fascinating to sit back and see how our natural personalities have (or have not, more humorously) manifested themselves in our parenting style.  I am WAY more of a free range, pick yourself up it's no big deal, kids are going to get cuts/bruises/injuries type of a parent than S is.  Which is really funny because I'm the natural caretaker.  S, especially in her work, typically challenges people both mentally and physically and rarely shows any empathy for anything short of a true and legitimate struggle.  Yet with G she rushes to him when anything happens and gets really angry (not at him) any time he falls or gets a small scrape.  It's really funny to analyze.  Sometimes.

[jgy]

Apr 14, 2015 9:27:07 GMT -5 Stringy said:

I did also realizing when she was having her meltdowns that having both parents try to help wasn't helping. Did you guys make a plan for how to deal with these things? I would love to do that but I dunno if DW would be on board. Lately she's gotten a little defensive if I critique her parenting, even if I don't mean to be critical, just to remind her not to do things like say "time for bath, okay?". So there's a little tension there. So anyone have any parenting in a relationship advice? . I almost want to just be like, let me deal with them - but obv that isn't a great idea either. I guess that is actually why I was hoping for a book or easy list of recc things, so its not coming from me, but from "hey I found this great book on 2 year old behavior."

This!!! Exactly this!!

I get sooooooo frustrated when I'm trying to work through something with G and S keeps popping her voice in adding to the chaos.  And it's not just her voice.  For example I'll be trying to get him to eat something during dinner time, and I will literally have the spoon next to his mouth and all of a sudden I see a fork with something WAY more tempting on the other side of his mouth.  STOP IT WOMAN!

It's seriously like dog training, they need to hear a single voice or it gets confusing.  Even if the two voices are saying the same thing.

I have zero ideas of how to bring up this topic without completely hurting/offending S.

[Stringy]

While we are all conversing I have a question too. I thought about posting it to the whole board, but I feel like my thoughts toward it prior to actually being a parent were very idealistic and it feels different now. (anyone lurking the thread feel free to jump in though).

So M is very very aware of everything/one around her. She is quite verbal and wants names/labels for everything. She notices all things, I swear. So in some of her books, and especially her current obsession with Daniel Tiger, she is starting to notice the dads. She has used the word dad/daddy to label them appropriately and I'm sure hears her cousins and some friends use it. Actually I think she called a friend of ours daddy once cuz that's what his son was calling him. Makes sense.

She hasn't asked cuz she isn't THAT verbal yet (or likely doesn't care yet) but my own insecurities make me want to explain "daddy" to her. In one book where parents come and pick kids up from school - I have said before that some kids have dads some have moms, nothing to in depth. I am making the assumption that she wnats to know what a dad is and why she doesn't have one. Like I said, my own insecurities I'm sure. Since we use "mommy" and "mama" I also try to label the moms in that book accordinly, some as mama and some as mommy. Which makes me wonder what she thinks the difference is, beyond me and DW. She probably hears other friends use them interchangeably. I often wonder if that confuses her. But maybe all kids get confused when they hear other kids use "mommy" at first - just cuz they assume their own mommy is unique and only one exists.

I guess I don't have a question - but this feels so different than how it was played out in my head when she was a baby or before she was here. Has anyone else dealt with this yet? jgy you might be the only one here with an older kid (who comments regularly). And at this point, I think its more my issues than hers...so I don't want to project them on her either!

[Stringy]

Apr 16, 2015 9:12:08 GMT -5 jgy said:

Apr 14, 2015 9:27:07 GMT -5 Stringy said:

I did also realizing when she was having her meltdowns that having both parents try to help wasn't helping. Did you guys make a plan for how to deal with these things? I would love to do that but I dunno if DW would be on board. Lately she's gotten a little defensive if I critique her parenting, even if I don't mean to be critical, just to remind her not to do things like say "time for bath, okay?". So there's a little tension there. So anyone have any parenting in a relationship advice? . I almost want to just be like, let me deal with them - but obv that isn't a great idea either. I guess that is actually why I was hoping for a book or easy list of recc things, so its not coming from me, but from "hey I found this great book on 2 year old behavior."

This!!! Exactly this!!

I get sooooooo frustrated when I'm trying to work through something with G and S keeps popping her voice in adding to the chaos.  And it's not just her voice.  For example I'll be trying to get him to eat something during dinner time, and I will literally have the spoon next to his mouth and all of a sudden I see a fork with something WAY more tempting on the other side of his mouth.  STOP IT WOMAN!

It's seriously like dog training, they need to hear a single voice or it gets confusing.  Even if the two voices are saying the same thing.

I have zero ideas of how to bring up this topic without completely hurting/offending S.

[jgy]

Apr 16, 2015 9:19:56 GMT -5 Stringy said:

While we are all conversing I have a question too. I thought about posting it to the whole board, but I feel like my thoughts toward it prior to actually being a parent were very idealistic and it feels different now. (anyone lurking the thread feel free to jump in though).

So M is very very aware of everything/one around her. She is quite verbal and wants names/labels for everything. She notices all things, I swear. So in some of her books, and especially her current obsession with Daniel Tiger, she is starting to notice the dads. She has used the word dad/daddy to label them appropriately and I'm sure hears her cousins and some friends use it. Actually I think she called a friend of ours daddy once cuz that's what his son was calling him. Makes sense.

She hasn't asked cuz she isn't THAT verbal yet (or likely doesn't care yet) but my own insecurities make me want to explain "daddy" to her. In one book where parents come and pick kids up from school - I have said before that some kids have dads some have moms, nothing to in depth. I am making the assumption that she wnats to know what a dad is and why she doesn't have one. Like I said, my own insecurities I'm sure. Since we use "mommy" and "mama" I also try to label the moms in that book accordinly, some as mama and some as mommy. Which makes me wonder what she thinks the difference is, beyond me and DW. She probably hears other friends use them interchangeably. I often wonder if that confuses her. But maybe all kids get confused when they hear other kids use "mommy" at first - just cuz they assume their own mommy is unique and only one exists.

I guess I don't have a question - but this feels so different than how it was played out in my head when she was a baby or before she was here. Has anyone else dealt with this yet? jgy you might be the only one here with an older kid (who comments regularly). And at this point, I think its more my issues than hers...so I don't want to project them on her either!

You know, it's funny.  G is pretty perceptive as well and also wants to know the name for EVERYTHING.  But this particular issue hasn't really come up for us yet.  We have a ton of books about 2 Mom families (if you want a list, I can grab the titles tonight for you, but I'm assuming you have a number of them yourself).  In particular I have one book that was written by a former bumpie and the topic is their kiddo wanting a Daddy.  I think the book takes a good approach for their current age.  They don't need in-depth, emotional, overly analytical answers.  They need facts that they can understand and accept, shaped in the form of responses that aren't rooted in our anxieties.

So ... "Families are all different.  Some have 1 Mom, some have 1 Dad, some have 2 Moms, some have 2 Dads, some have a Mom and a Dad, some have no Moms OR Dads, some have Grandparents .... YOUR family has 2 Moms."  I really don't think she's at the age yet where she would even understand the concept (or any REAL differences) of having a Dad vs. a Mom.  I know G isn't.  And personally, while I know there is a very real sex and gender understanding that we'll get to eventually, at this point I don't want to start any sort of assumptions on G's part of what a "Mom" or a "Dad" should be.  I mean really, aside from having a Penis and being able to SHOW G how to use it, there's not much that a Dad could do with/for him at this point that one of the two of us couldn't provide just fine.

I think what I'm trying to say is, that I doubt she's wondering about these things in the depth that you assume she is.  And, being a kid, it's likely that if and when she does start to wonder, she will ask.  What you choose to say, and how you handle that situation at that point is definitely important, but I do think you're a long way off.  Right now, I think she just needs more facts, less explanation.

@sherminator, have you dealt with questions about Dad yet with J?

[Stringy]

I feel you on all that jgy. And I'm sure your right that my brain is light years ahead of hers in thinking of it.

We don't have that many 2 mom books. We have Mommy Mama and Me, which M can recite, but isn't that interesting, and I think we have the Family Book and the penguin one in the closet, but they still seem a little over her head. What I'd love is more books ABOUT something else, but that just happen to have two moms (or dads). Know what I mean?

[karlamo]

Stringy, Do you hang out with any other lesbian families?

When the time comes I'm planning on telling R that he and his friends so and so have 2 mommies, but this other friend has a mom and dad. I'm also planning on pointing out going to who gets raised by grandma etc to show not everyone has a mom and dad at home.

I don't want him to ever feel like he's the only one without a dad.

As for books, I change up the language all the time. Now that he has a dairy allegery, his "Will you share your ice cream" has become sorbet.