Nosy People

[soultrane]

I've been working from home since last Wednesday, and someone's curiosity finally got the best of them apparently. I got an IM from a colleague this morning who asked if everything was ok since she hadn't seen me in the office for a while.  I just responded with a simple "Everything's ok. Hoping to be back in the office next week!" which I thought would end the conversation. Nope, then she flat out asked why I wasn't there. 

Ummm....none of your business?? 

I responded as vaguely as I could and reassured her that I was ok, but come on! 

How have you all handled nosy people? Has anyone decided to actually tell people what happened? Part of me really wanted to just tell her to shut her up and make her feel awkward for prying, but I was able to take a few breaths before responding. Honestly though, now I'm starting to worry about going back to the office next week and having to face these questions in person, since I won't have the luxury of taking a few minutes to respond like I can through IM. Ugh. 

[babyzebra]

I haven't really dealt with nosy people like the scenario you're describing, but I just told anyone who asked what was going on. It has never bothered me to talk about it with anyone so I guess it was up to each person if they felt awkward or not.

Personally, if you think it will be difficult to talk to people in person about it when you go back to work, I would just tell that one person who is being nosy. Nosy people also often gossip. They can tell everyone else and then hopefully no one will ask you about it when you go back. That's of course if you don't mind people knowing. If you do, that plan sucks.

[soultrane]

That's the thing, I'm totally fine talking about what's going on to my family and friends. I've been really open with them and I'm comfortable talking about it. I don't want it to be some big secret, but I'm just not super close to anyone at work and hadn't really thought about office curiosity and gossip until today.

I guess I just feel differently about my family and friends knowing about the state of my uterus vs. coworkers who I just happen to know because we work on the same team and sit across from each other in a cubicle farm.

[hollyberry]

I am a pretty open book, but when you are not comfortable then you are not comfortable. Maybe tell them that you had a procedure done, I know you havent had a D&C but still, or just that you are ok but there was family things, that way if you get emotional for some reason at work, you are covered with that too.

[PiradicalMaid]

Would you be ok saying that you were going through a medical issue? And if they push say that you don't really want to talk about it? I think folks do respect medical privacy, but, IDK, that nosy co-worker might not respect any privacy...

I had told people at my work and untelling them sucked more than I thought it would so I kind of regret letting them know. They're supportive, that's not it, but we aren't really close and I wouldn't have shared it with them except I didn't want them asking for updates.

SPOILER: Click to show

{****LC mentioned*****}I've been struggling with what to tell my LO. She stayed with her dad over the weekend but she's back with me now. She had to go in to the doctor with me at one point, so she's knows I'm sick. She's asked questions and I've tried to keep it simple. But when I break down crying, she's confused as to why I'm so sad. I told her I'm sad because I'm sick. I'm not really against being honest, but in this case I'm not sure what's age appropriate.

[/spoiler]

I brought that up only because I think there is this take away for your co-workers- maybe you could tell them you had a medical issue, that you're going to be ok, but that it's been upsetting, and you don't want to talk about it. if you're comfortable sharing that much, hopefully it will stop questions and folks will be understanding if/when you're having a difficult emotional day.

[sarahufl]

I had surgery for an Ectopic, so I was out of commission for a week. One of my closest friends is actually a co-worker. She knew I was being treated for an Ectopic, so I emailed her from the ER saying I had to have surgery and to tell my boss. She just said I had a medical emergency and need to be out for a week. She worked with some other co-workers to cover my tasks while I was away.

I checked in with my boss just to say- I know you spoke to Allison, but I need a few days off. He just said not to worry, come back whenever I was ready. They never asked what happened and I never offered. IMO, when a trusted professional has a vague medical issue that requires being out for a week, it probably was serious and they don't want to talk about it.

One of my faculty members (I manage a masters program) did ask where I was. I said I was sick and she continued to press. I just said "I don't want to discuss" and she apologized and dropped it.

Overall, I was very pleased with how my work dealt with it.

[starfishy]

I was out for 4 days and no sub showed up so it was obvious to everyone that I wasn't there. Also we have a board in the main office that lists absences.
I called the office the second day and informed the secretary that I was in the hospital and having a procedure. I then emailed my principal and gave her specifics of the situation. She has been awesome.
A few other teachers asked what happened and I just said I was sick and no one brought it up again.

[nikolie93]

Some people just don't take a hint. If you aren't comfortable with people at work knowing, I agree with what someone else said, just tell them you had a medical procedure done and if they keep on give them a twat punch next time you see them.

Ok, not really even though that would be awesome. Just tell them you'd rather not talk about it.

[cabgirl]

I can't offer advice from experience here, since my coworkers knew that I was pregnant and had a miscarriage. I didn't want to talk about it when I came back, though, so I simply had one of the managers (who is a friend of mine) talk to the staff and tell them to please not mention the miscarriage to me or to ask me questions about it when I returned.

Maybe you could do something similar, except not disclose the reason for your absence to the person who spreads the word for you? You could just say your absence was due to something of a sensitive nature, and you'd really appreciate not being asked to discuss it when you come back to work. Or, if that seems like too much, you could just deal with it on an as-needed basis. When someone asks, you could say, "I was out for a medical procedure (or issue, or illness, or however you'd like to word it), and I appreciate your concern for me, but I'd really prefer not to talk about it."

[swivelchair5]

I had my miscarriage in the middle of a ten-day vacation, so my co-workers never knew I was pregnant and never knew I had a loss (or any medical issue at all).

In the past, I have dealt with a nosy question by saying, 'It isn't something I want to discuss,' and then walking away. The nosy co-worker would have to be really dense to follow me to ask more personal questions at that point.

[hydrangea1019]

I have two really good friends at work so I eventually opened up about it to them and I also told my boss.

I ended up telling two other coworkers I was having a 'procedure' and that is be out but no specifics.

I'm sorry people are being so nosy. It sucks.

[soultrane]

I wanted to follow up on this because I was a little anxious to come back to the office today. Thankfully, everyone has been really respectful and nobody has pried. All I've gotten are "Glad to see you back!" and "We missed you!" so it's been a warm welcome without having to answer any questions I'm not ready to answer yet. I'm debating whether to address my absence at our team meeting tomorrow, but I'll probably play that by ear and see how I feel in the moment.

The thing is, I've been pretty open about this with my friends and family so I'm ready and able to talk about it. I'm not super close to the people I work with though so it feels weird sharing such a personal experience with them.

Thank you all for letting me vent here and for sharing how you've handled this situation before. I've always been pretty good at dealing with people and gently putting them in their place when it's warranted, but I'm in completely foreign territory here!

[nikolie93]

soultrane, I understand your hesitation in telling people you work with. I am not very close to most in my office either and I used to dread the look of pity. Now I just talk about it in passing. Some catch it and say something, some don't. I do know I don't want to hide it any more though!

[PiradicalMaid]

I think it is more than reasonable not to want to share something personal with coworkers you aren't close to, even if it's something you are generally comfortable talking about. I also think that if you feel it is helpful or healing to talk about, there is no reason not to tell them. Whatever feels right to you. Glad today is going well!

[lovetruly2015]

I got lucky in that respect I guess. No one talks about it unless I bring it up. I hate that everyone at work seems to walk on eggshells everytime the subjects of kids come up in conversation, its not often but it still gets awkward. I did have a few people message me on facebook after it happend, most where family only a couple where people that I hadn't heard from in a long time. Even then they didn't ask me anything, just wanted to give condolences and say they where thinking/praying for me. I responded to family pretty much right away. Everyone else was ignored for a few weeks.