Sig warning. Question about helping a friend

[kaf7]

Hi Everyone
I am sorry all of you are in the position to be on this board. I hope you don't mind me asking a question. A friend of mine lost her son to cancer a few weeks ago. Tomorrow would be his birthday. Do you have any suggestions on what if anything to say to her? I was thinking of just letting her know I was thinking of her and her family but I don't want to be intrusive. I appreciate all suggestions and comments. 

[mrswheelo]

Definitely let her know you are thinking of her and her son. Maybe send a card. This is still very fresh for her, & she may not be in a place where she can talk to you or even thank you. Just let her know you are there for her. If she has other children, maybe you could offer to help shuttle them to school, appointments, etc. It doesn't hurt to take over a casserole, even if she doesn't ask. She is lucky to have a friend that wants to help her!

[happyin14]

Definitely be in touch. And refer to it as his birthday - not the day that "should have been". Present tense.

Send a meal. Release a balloon. Mark the day however you can. It will mean the WORLD to them.

[kaf7]

Thank you both for your suggestions. They are really helpful.

[happyin14]

kaf7 - do you really think you would be intruding? I'm sincerely asking because I struggle with this! I didn't hear from my dad on my son's birthday this year... And only a small group of people. And I wondered why... Why people have such a hard time acknowledging the day and the person. (Tone is hard - but please know this is sincere.)

I'm still so proud of my child and I love him so much. and I want everyone to remember him. But I always thought it was because people feel weird or don't know what to say. I never really thought that people might need me to tell them I want to hear from them...

[lexus]

I think it's great that you want to be there for her on such a hard day. I loved getting text messages or fb messages that way I could respond right away if I wanted to or I could get to the messages later. We got some cards in the mail, a balloon released, one friend made a cake, and lots of messages.

[kaf7]

happyin14, perhaps intruding was the wrong choice of word. I don't want to assume how they might be feeling today and wanted to frame my words carefully as a result. I also didn't want to show up at their home, for example, with a meal and have that be the last thing they wanted. does that help?

[happyin14]

Apr 21, 2015 5:38:37 GMT -5 kaf7 said:

happyin14, perhaps intruding was the wrong choice of word. I don't want to assume how they might be feeling today and wanted to frame my words carefully as a result. I also didn't want to show up at their home, for example, with a meal and have that be the last thing they wanted. does that help?

It's confusing to me. Anyway- they definitely want to hear from you and see you if they are home. And maybe cry with you or maybe tell funny stories with you. Definitely be in touch. You can safely assume they miss their kid. That's how they are feeling. And stories can help but most importantly, having their kid remembered is the most important.

ETA: you aren't confusing to me. I get what you are saying. Just the whole thing.

[kaf7]

I sent a text as that is her preferred method of communication and it seemed well received so thanks everyone for the advice. I am out of town today but will see about stopping by soon.

I think for me, I wanted to make sure I worded things to be as kind as possible rather than wondering whether to contact them at all. The suggestion to refer to his birthday in the present tense was particularly useful to me. I can see though, how for many people where the death of a child is considered "unnatural" that they may not know that birthdays are still celebrated or remembered or even think to share their thoughts about it with the family. Perhaps it is something as a society we should be more aware of...thanks again for sharing your thoughts.