Triggers @ Work

[twixiesky]

Hi ladies,


Just wondering about how you all deal or have dealt with triggers and pregnant people in the work place.

Unfortunately no one knew I was pregnant at the time of my loss of Keegan at 18 weeks (January 29th, 2015), so there was no general out pour of sympathy. When I returned everyone seemed to be pregnant (over 5 people), and it seems like once a month there’s a new pregnancy (2 and counting since I started back February) along with baby showers, due date bets etc. My supervisor (who was informed about the miscarriage) can be an ass at times: she has no filter and can be unmindfully insensitive (i.e. constantly complaining about how difficult her life is the 1st day I come back; asking me if I know who another coworker is because she just had a baby girl and they’re having her shower)

I can deal with seeing the big bellies now (although it was really hard the first few weeks back) but what’s the most difficult is all of the talk from non-pregnant coworkers about these pregnancies especially in middle of trainings and such. It’s hard to not be a part of the conversations, because it’s almost like denying Keegan’s existence; yet at the same time I don’t want to deny someone from celebrating their pregnancy, or put them in the uncomfortable position of having to deal with my loss. I don’t want to be an ass and say something to HR about keeping conversations work related but sometimes I need that, just to get productively through the work day. For example: my coworker today while in a mandatory training, constantly asking our pregnant trainer about her pregnancy, then making the comment about how she never wants to get pregnant; then about 15 minutes later trying to call me out when I took a backseat to participating (my mind drifted to not so happy places).


I’m probably just being overly sensitive though.

[db7211]

I'm so sorry. I don't know if I have much advice for you since I stay at home with my 3 year-old. I just wanted to say that I'm so sorry for the loss of your little Keegan.

It's so soon after your loss, I wouldn't imagine you would be okay with all of that going on around you. It does get easier. I wish your coworkers and boss would be more sensitive to you, but you're not always going to get those personalities.

Maybe some of these other awesome gals will have better advice than me.

[happyin14]

I don't really have advice but just wanted to say I completely get it. Unfortunately, we now live in a world that looks completely different. Ultimately, you have to decide what side you want to be on. I didn't tell many people about my miscarriage, but I do now. It just feels like a part of my timeline people need to know. I share the news casually... Like "oh... Did you know I was pregnant then?" But it was almost a year before I felt comfortable. Hang in there. The triggers get easier. If it's harder to stay silent, share your story. That's what I think....

[mommytoava]

There are constantly triggers, I work in a government office where we have people always coming in with little kids. Hearing the babies crying in the lobby, having little kids at my interview window and just sometimes my coworkers talk of their children. I try my best to work through it but sometimes I just have to go outside for a breather. Luckily my supervisor is really understanding and accommodating if there is something I just can't do.

[mosdub]

I am so sorry you have been struggling with these triggers. It's interesting that you kind of wish more people knew you were pregnant before you had your loss because I've been thinking maybe it would have been easier if less people knew I was pregnant. I don't know which would be easier.

This week was my first week back to teaching after my loss. I knew the first few days would be really rough as I would be seeing all of my kids for the first time since the loss. I work with Kindergarten - 12th grade. The high schoolers were pretty good - they didn't bring it up (as instructed by my wonderful admin) and I could kind of just float back into my role. The little ones were rough. I got through 3 days of little 6 year olds saying things like "I'm sorry your baby died" by knowing they were just sad for me and wanted to let me know. I just said thank you and quickly (and shamelessly) diverted their attention to something really fun and unusual we normally don't do.

Toward the end of the week I thought it was pretty much old news for the kids until one of them came up to me, put their hand on my belly and said "Is there a baby in there?" -- UGH. I choked a little but said "No, not anymore." I don't know how I held my shit together but I did. I think having to confront it with all of those students may have helped...or maybe it's just training me how to compartmentalize really well. Trial by fire I guess?

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make this post about me --- Your supervisor who knows about your loss did say some very insensitive things but maybe she doesn't know how to interact with you? Maybe she's just trying to act "normal" and fill the silences by complaining about her own life drama. Do you have a friend or close coworker you could confide in and tell about your loss and what has been triggering you? Since the whole flippin' community knew about mine I ended up getting unexpected messages from women who had also experienced losses and it made me feel less alone. I've also noticed people being careful about mentioning babies or bringing babies around me. I agree with happyin14 that sharing your story might make it easier in the long run, but that is a personal choice you will need to make.