Am I being silly?

[laurawaller]

I'm 19 years old will be 20 before my little one is born. My bf is 29 yeh age gap lol.
Anyway I just got a phone call from some sort of health worker that is specific for teenage mums. However I know that I'm only 19 and im classed as a teenage pregnancy but the woman was so patronising on the phone and was speaking to me as if I was a 4 year old. She then said that teenage mums are more likely to have there children taken away from them due to struggling to look after them ect. She said she wouldn't judge me if I felt I needed extra help with childcare. She's made an appointment to explain how some sort of health visitor especially for teenage mums will "constantly visit me and check up on me" during and after the pregnancy( her actually words). It's my choice if I want to take the help or not.
Am I being silly to feel a little angry and upset about this label she's put on me, and the fact that she was so patronising and made me feel I was going to be a failure as a mum because of my age. I don't think I will accept this help, does that make me bad? Or does my age really make me any different from any other mother to be.

I don't mind if I get flamed for this, just seeking honest opinions. Thanks ladies

[slurpeelove]

Here's my honest answer and I hope you don't take offense easily. 19 is young to have a kid. Do people do it successfully? I have no doubt. There are more factors at play here, though. Are you living on your own? Are you struggling to make ends meet as it is? You need to look at your situation and see clearly whether or not you would need help. Quite frankly, I would go to get the information. It isn't bad to accept information about help that you may not need later. But, that way, if you do end up needing it, you have it available to you.

I'm 25 and I'm only just getting my life together now. I understand that you were upset by the way she was treating you, but you have to think this woman also speaks to 13 year olds who end up pregnant.

[3timemom]

If you don't feel you need the help she offered just tell her you don't need it. I would be a little upset probably also but it's her job to probably track teen moms and you fit that bill.

[kristhegirl]

I loathe being patronised (I'll spell it your way!) so I would be furious. There is a big difference between being 19 and in a committed relationship and being a younger teen, still considered a child by the state and still the responsibility of your parents.

That said, whoever the helper is may be better at sussing out any needs you might have that they can help with than the twat on the phone. Plus, the fact that you'll be 20 when the baby is born means you technically won't be a teen mom anyway.

I'd take a first meeting, but if everyone is shitty I'd tell them to go help people who actually need it. I might even be that nice about it.

[laurawaller]

Jan 21, 2015 11:52:01 GMT -5 slurpeelove said:

Here's my honest answer and I hope you don't take offense easily. 19 is young to have a kid. Do people do it successfully? I have no doubt. There are more factors at play here, though. Are you living on your own? Are you struggling to make ends meet as it is? You need to look at your situation and see clearly whether or not you would need help. Quite frankly, I would go to get the information. It isn't bad to accept information about help that you may not need later. But, that way, if you do end up needing it, you have it available to you.

I'm 25 and I'm only just getting my life together now. I understand that you were upset by the way she was treating you, but you have to think this woman also speaks to 13 year olds who end up pregnant.

No I totally get that 19 is young... However me and my bf both work and earn enough, we've brought a house and live perfectly fine together, finding ends meet isn't a problem. Yeah I understand that she talks to people at much younger ages, but she knew I was 19 and going to 20 when I give birth and she knew all about my job and living arrangements ext. I will listen to her on my visit on Monday but if I'm treated like I'm 4 again I don't think I'll take the help.

[kellyinhb]

I would have been offended; I hate being patronized. In spite of her delivery though, I would take advantage of any resources being offered. Heck, I don't think I'd mind someone visiting to check up on me, especially since this is all so new.

[doctaco]

I would be mad too. That said, having my first baby knocked me on my ass even though I was already "established". I owned my home, was 30, had been married for 3 years to a man with a good job, and was just finishing my PhD. I had helped raise my younger siblings and had nannied babies as young as newborn for the last decade. I read everything, had experience, and thought I was ready to be a mom - but it still knocked me on my ass. 19 sounds scary young to me too. But, if this lady was any good at her job, she would not be patronizing to her clients. She definitely deserves a boob punch. But, I'd take any help I could get, even now. Easier said than done, but try not to let pride get in the way of accepting help. You won't know what you're into until you're there.

[CALEO]

Unless you feel like you need the help I wouldn't accept it. Sounds like they will be tracking you much more closely and assuming you have a higher risk of a reason to have your child taken that way. I wouldn't want to give them that opportunity. Can you ask for help later if you need it?

[laurawaller]

Jan 21, 2015 12:14:53 GMT -5 CALEO said:

Unless you feel like you need the help I wouldn't accept it. Sounds like they will be tracking you much more closely and assuming you have a higher risk of a reason to have your child taken that way. I wouldn't want to give them that opportunity. Can you ask for help later if you need it?

She said if I decline the help she will just forward my details to the usual health visitor.

[CALEO]

Jan 21, 2015 12:17:08 GMT -5 laurawaller said:

Jan 21, 2015 12:14:53 GMT -5 CALEO said:

Unless you feel like you need the help I wouldn't accept it. Sounds like they will be tracking you much more closely and assuming you have a higher risk of a reason to have your child taken that way. I wouldn't want to give them that opportunity. Can you ask for help later if you need it?

She said if I decline the help she will just forward my details to the usual health visitor.

I'm not sure what that would be. Are you located in the us?

[laurawaller]

Jan 21, 2015 12:19:18 GMT -5 CALEO said:

Jan 21, 2015 12:17:08 GMT -5 laurawaller said:

She said if I decline the help she will just forward my details to the usual health visitor.

I'm not sure what that would be. Are you located in the us?

Nope I'm from boring old England

[CALEO]

Jan 21, 2015 12:20:21 GMT -5 laurawaller said:

Jan 21, 2015 12:19:18 GMT -5 CALEO said:

I'm not sure what that would be. Are you located in the us?

Nope I'm from boring old England

I love England but I'm not familiar with the system there. Is there someone you could ask? Id be concerned why you don't have the same rights as other pregnant women, given that you will be delivering at 20, and what authority they have to subject you to extra monitoring to determine your fitness as a mother.

That said, that's all only if you don't need the help. If you need it, take it!

[laurawaller]

Jan 21, 2015 12:25:37 GMT -5 CALEO said:

Jan 21, 2015 12:20:21 GMT -5 laurawaller said:

Nope I'm from boring old England

I love England but I'm not familiar with the system there. Is there someone you could ask? Id be concerned why you don't have the same rights as other pregnant women, given that you will be delivering at 20, and what authority they have to subject you to extra monitoring to determine your fitness as a mother.

That said, that's all only if you don't need the help. If you need it, take it!

Haha, if you lived here I think you would change your mind lol. Atm my maternity care is useless I'm still waiting to hear back about why I've been booked into a consultation that's not routine.
I will take the help if I'm going to find it helpful but if I'm just going to be treated like I'm incapable of looking after my baby due to my age I'll pass.

[gw3nny]

I don't know what kind of programs exist the the UK, but I am a home visitor in Kentucky. We don't target teen moms specifically, but I have worked with some. Our program is strength based, so we basically go in and encourage families on everything they are doing RIGHT by their baby. Plus we give information about child development and attachment and provide activities for infant stimulation. We do post partum depression screening and we do regular screening with the infant to help ensure they are meeting developmental milestones - we make referrals to various kinds of therapy if they aren't. It's a great program and I definitely could have benefited from it as a FTM. Yours is voluntary. Why not meet with the visitor and few times and if you hate it, let her know you don't want her to come back?

[laurawaller]

Jan 21, 2015 12:35:12 GMT -5 gw3nny said:

I don't know what kind of programs exist the the UK, but I am a home visitor in Kentucky. We don't target teen moms specifically, but I have worked with some. Our program is strength based, so we basically go in and encourage families on everything they are doing RIGHT by their baby. Plus we give information about child development and attachment and provide activities for infant stimulation. We do post partum depression screening and we do regular screening with the infant to help ensure they are meeting developmental milestones - we make referrals to various kinds of therapy if they aren't. It's a great program and I definitely could have benefited from it as a FTM. Yours is voluntary. Why not meet with the visitor and few times and if you hate it, let her know you don't want her to come back?

Yeah that doesn't sound like anything she said to me . I'm meeting with her on Monday to gather all the facts about it. However she was coming out with things like " how's the symptoms during your pregnancy" when I explained about my sickness and tiredness the usual things that we are ALL going through she came out with something like being a teenage mum you will struggle more with these. I really don't think that's correct and so atm I'm thinking of not taking the "help" but I will wait and see

[petrichor14]

I'm sorry she was patronizing to you- that would have pissed me off too. Obviously there's a world of difference between getting pregnant at 13 or 14 and getting pregnant at 19; but there's a similar amount of difference between 19 and, say, 25. 19 is still really young- even if you are mature for your age, even if you are responsible and have your shit together.

It absolutely doesn't mean you can't be a good mother or can't be trusted to parent your child without supervision or interference. But (in theory at least) it's nice that you have access to programs designed to give support to younger parents. We don't have stuff like that in the US, as far as I know. If I were in your shoes, I would try to be open to the help and support that's offered. If they continue to be condescending or make you feel uncomfortable, you can shut it down.

[ahsile]

I think you have already been given a lot of great advice. I'd be curious to know how this turns out though and what they actually, legally, have rights to do as for as "checking up" on you. 19 is young, but I'd say just prove them wrong. Show them that they shouldn't have the same, patronizing attitude toward everyone they deal with. If any of the help seems beneficial to you, take advantage of it, but if they are jerks, decline.

[laceecaitlyn]

My mom had two kids by the time she was 19...and she definitely didn't have it together like it seems that you do, but she was still a wonderful mother. For this reason I really wish people wouldn't talk to young mothers the way that they do. Some people are too immature and scattered at 35 to have a kid. It might be her job to find teen moms and offer them help, but don't let her treat you like your age will make you a bad mother. It would upset me too.

[mischiefmama]

My friend actually does something similar to the person who would be visiting with you, and it would be a great resource. It sounds like the woman on the phone could use some coaching, but don't discount the whole program just because of that one person.

[kathol]

I had DS at 21, I was still in college at the time and received a call from my county. They wanted to offer me a counselor that would check in on me and the baby for the first year to make sure everything was going steady. I didn't take offense to the presentation of this program as I was spoken to like an adult. The program was very informative for a first time mom like myself. I did not have familial support so for the first three months it was nice to have that touch point.

[mackalack]

I would be upset at the way she talked to you, no doubt. It's wrong to be patronized at any age. I do think I would try to get more information about the program - it doesn't hurt to have additional resources available to you.

[Deleted]

It's definitely frustrating that she talked down to you on the phone. That would have offended me as well. I think in situations like these, its good to remember that it likely isn't personal. This person is just on auto-pilot and used to treating everyone the same, and if she's used to working with younger teens who don't have themselves together, then that's her script. I had to get a D&C after my miscarriage and the woman doing my follow-up at the clinic asked what I would be doing for birth control in a kind of condescending way. It drove me NUTS at the time, and I think I was pretty snippy with her, but I did remember later on that most of the people she sees are there because of a birth control failure and tried not to take it as personally.

As far as whether to accept the help - I share CALEO's concerns about the monitoring, and if I didn't need the help and it seemed they would be looking for problems, I probably wouldn't go into the program. But if that's less of a concern (I'd do some searches and see if you can find anyone talking about the program online, either personal experience or news articles), then the more resources the better, especially if you can leave the program at any time if you find you don't need it and it's veering into nuisance territory.

[gw3nny]

A lot of people think my program is related to Social Services and that we are checking up on moms and trying to catch them doing something wrong to get their kid taken away. We are pretty much the opposite of that. Our goal is to strengthen families and keep them together!

Anyway, please do let us all know what you choose and how it turns out! And of course if you're looking for strength based support regarding infant development, you can always ask us!

[foolofatook]

First of all, being a mom of any age takes strength, but I have a serious awe of teenage or single moms that raise their children on their own. That's a special kind of brave.

Second, I hate being patronized and I would have been furious if someone spoke that way to me. You are a teen mom, but that doesn't mean that things are automatically "harder" (i.e. being sick and such -- that's BS). I would take the help IF YOU NEED IT, but if not, pass on it.