Talking to IL's about sensitive subjects

[tee]

My 1.5 year old will be staying with IL's while I'm in the hospital for this LO. It's kind of forcing my hand to talk about subjects I've been avoiding. How do you bring up things like this without coming across as judge-y/mis-trusting??? 

For example - the things I need to talk to one set of grandparents are: DS isn't allowed around their dogs anymore (there is a backstory - we don't trust 2 of their 3 dogs), gun storage (I actually just remembered today that they have some that may be questionably stored - I'm just not sure), locking doors at night, and a few smaller things about his schedule. 

I'm feeling extra sensitive since it's going to be the longest I've been away from DS and the nervousness that comes with labor. 

Advice on easy & gentle conversation starters would be appreciated!!! 

[cloe111479]

I have no personal experience but have always felt be honest. If you try to sugar coat stuff, it doesn't always sink in.

Not blunt but honest and true.

[misshart00]

I think I would write out a "how to take care of DS" that includes favorite food, etc. and include those things on there.

[allonsy221b]

My dad is a huge gun nut and my 12 year old nephew is very curious so I talked to him about it because my sister didn't know how. Is your LO mobile? I would just say something along the lines of "I know you take pride in your collection but LO is fast and curious and is able to get into things that he couldn't before. I would feel more comfortable if you took some extra precautions with the firearms that aren't locked up, as well as making sure the doors are locked at all times as LO can reach those too. Also, due to what happened before with dog 1 and 2 they need to be separated from LO at all times."

That doesn't mean they have to kennel their dogs or lock them up, my mom is dramatic and lets her dogs do whatever, it just means they need to be in another room, unable to access DS at any time. You can use recent news stories of kids getting their hands on guns as evidence if needed. The most recent one I heard of was a 5 year old getting his grandpas locked up but not tamper proof gun and killing his 9 month old sibling. Depending on how they are you may need to be blunt. My dad gets the hint right away, my mom needs it laid out straight.

[mrsclark731]

I say be straightforward. Having a matter-of-fact attitude upfront is usually better, in my expierence.

My FIL is a combat Vietnam vet. He suffers from PTSD (amonst other things), and can't even attend a movie in the theatre with loud noises. They had to leave Hunger Games in the first 20 minutes because he couldn't take it. The other day his Mom called wanting DH's opinion on his father accepting a gun as a gift from one of his gym buddies. Yeah, that sounds like a great idea. I made it crystal clear that LO will never be able to go over their home until he gets rid of the gun. I have nothing agains firearms (my father has a guns locked up in a gun safe and I grew up hunting)...but I do think there should be stricter rules about WHO can own one.

It always helps to have your SO's support and have the conversation with all of you present. That way if you start to waiver they can back you up and make it a tad easier. It is your child...you have the right to make sure they are being cared for properly!

[firelizard8367]

Make sure your DH is on board with your opinions and he should be able to discuss these things with no problem (hopefully). I had to deal with the gun thing with my DH when we moved in together. I was just innocently asking questions about how we could keep them safer for ourselves and any kids (ours or others). He was a little resistant, because he just wanted a safe, which we couldn't afford yet. When he found out he could get gun locks for free (I think that was a state law, so check what yours are) he was happily on board to get those. I really think a lot of problems are more from lack of awareness of their options. Present them with some ideas for solutions to your issues and that can help a lot.
door locking might be your hardest one since that's a personal habit thing. Maybe attaching a bell to the doors?

[mandamooch]

I'm actually having a similar problem with my parents and my 1.5 yo. My parents are both disabled and they want to watch my DS. Up until 3-4months ago they could no problem. Now we're into the climbing, boundary-bending toddler years and they cannot keep up too well. It was assumed by everyone that they would do their share of watching him while I'm in the hospital, but lately I've noticed BIG problems when they are visiting and I'm here (forgetful stuff like leaving a giant, scalding cup of tea on the edge of the table, pills on the floor that apparently fell while they were taking them, etc).

I tried talking to them about it several times nicely, and call it absentminded or what not, but nothings changed. I'm now a ball of stress when they visit because it's one thing to watch for dangers normally, but when you have two people (intention or not) causing those dangers is a whole different level of stress. I might have flipped out last time they we're here. It seems to be the only time things sink in - that's a problem.

FWIW, I'm trying to conveniently work out a schedule with DH that my parents are on duty to watch DS during naptime or breakfast, when DS isn't running wild and the damage can be mitigated. Can they watch your child at your house while you're in the hospital or anything else to mitigate the situation? Say DS will be more comfortable at home or something?

Trust me, I wish I had an easy way to have these conversations that didn't offend, hurt, or strain relationships. Unfortunately, I think something has to give and the safety of our LO's trumps all.

Good luck! Let me know how it goes.

[angeldcf]

As it's the ILs, I'd have DH take the lead and possibly you there as a unified team. No need to be rude, but be direct and straight-forward. This is being very clear about the rules for the safety of your child. Their feelings are secondary.

I have my unloaded 9mm in a gun safe. My parents also have guns/rifles in their gun safe (mom watches DS when I work).

[tee]

Thanks for the advice everyone! DS is mobile. I'm going to have DH take the lead definitely.

And mandamooch - I have asked them to watch him here for the last night at least so that he will be in his normal zone right before baby comes home, but didn't ask for the whole time. He actually is more comfortable at our house - he barely naps there and I'm concerned about how that will translate to his night time sleep too - I don't want him to be a tired cranky mess and then BAM new baby

[BellinghamMama]

Here to empathize. Conversations with family around caregiving can be rough. I have concerns about my mom's judgement in many, many areas and had to finally tell her so. My tone was respectful but without any wiggle room. And she took it the way I expected.. very poorly and is not speaking to me right now. But I've come to realize that my little nuclear family is #1 priority, and as much as I may try I can't control how she feels or reacts. I have to take care of my LOs, and my own mental health and wellbeing! 

[FlutterOfYoshis]

Jan 22, 2015 15:20:53 GMT -5 BellinghamMama said:

Here to empathize. Conversations with family around caregiving can be rough. I have concerns about my mom's judgement in many, many areas and had to finally tell her so. My tone was respectful but without any wiggle room. And she took it the way I expected.. very poorly and is not speaking to me right now. But I've come to realize that my little nuclear family is #1 priority, and as much as I may try I can't control how she feels or reacts. I have to take care of my LOs, and my own mental health and wellbeing! 

No advice, just empathizing with OP. Stuff in this vein has always difficult to confront, especially knowing that my mom always takes things very personally. 

BellinghamMama--kudos to you for having that strength! I need to work up to that, and soon.