Just feel like posting this here as well...

[mommytoone]

I posted this over on Oct'15 board, but I'm just so upset I'm just trying to find somewhere to turn... So..this week my husband who is the father to our son and our son on the way tells me that he "is not happy". I just feel like he isn't even trying to "help" our marriage or "work" things out in our marriage he just wants to jump straight to the end of the path and get separated/divorce. I just don't know what to do/think anymore. Our son may ONLY be 20 months old, but he STILL understands some and knows when dada isn't around(he calls for him when he wakes up then if his dada doesn't answer he searches the entire house and if he can't find him he starts crying then continues to look for the rest of the day) Same thing at night...I don't really know whether to just accept the fact that he isn't going to be here for our oldest, newborn, and myself or to try and get him to talk to me more about it and us "try" and work things out. He says he loves me...I'm just torn

[mommytoone]

May 23, 2015 17:20:19 GMT -5 jnetx said:

I'm so sorry you're going through this right now. I agree that our S13 babies are definitely old enough to know daddy isn't around and miss him, but I also think they are still young and resilient and would adjust if separating is what yall decide is best. Have you suggested counseling? Have you had a decent amount of time to talk about this one-on-one? Is there some other stuff going on that might be contributing to him feeling this way, like stress at work or problems with other family members? I think you deserve to know what he thinks the source of the problem is so you can at least attempt to fix it or help him fix it.

He don't want to do counseling, because "it costs to much that we don't have right now". He doesn't want to talk about it, however he has finally said we can talk tomorrow.. He just started a new job( I honestly don't think it is that because he is the ONLY one there at night). I'm hoping to be able to accomplish something by "talking" with him...so who knows..

[mommytoone]

May 23, 2015 18:48:19 GMT -5 jnetx said:

I know my H is miserable when he is stressed about work. If I were you, I would see if I could get him to agree to give it until a few months after the new baby comes. Your family is going through a lot of changes right now even without him considering leaving. Once the new baby is here and things settle down a little bit, he may feel much better. I don't think it's wise to make any major life decisions when you are in the middle of a big transition like adding another child to your family. Hopefully talking tomorrow will help.

I REALLY hope so...right now nothing I do seems to help.

[happymama]

I am so sorry you are having to go through this. Counseling was a huge help to us in resolving some big problems that kept coming up over and over for us. We only went for a short time but were able to learn good communication techniques that we still use and have since been able to resolve things on our own. I know that insurance generally doesn't cover marriage counseling, but often individual therapy is covered, which can be a great place to start. If not, I would look into some other options such as payment plans or some places will give discounts or even some free sessions.
If the problem is unhappiness and there is no abuse happening, then I am definitely a believer in giving it some time and a gallant attempt to repair the relationship.
Talking to him and finding out the specifics of his unhappiness is a great start. Try to listen objectively, be patient, and make sure that he feels heard.
If you are unable to resolve it after some time has passed, and the family dynamic is becoming unhealthy, then sometimes it is better to walk away before even more damage is done. It is vital that your kids feel secure, loved, and have a healthy relationship with both of you. I hope that that can happen with your family intact, but for some that is only able to happen after separation.
I know this must be so hard to be facing right now, hang in there...

[fiveohfive]

I think happymama and jnetx gave you a lot of really great advice! I'm so sorry you are going through this with your husband and hope with some time and mutual effort you both can come to a resolution that's best for everyone. *hugs*

[sugarkissed]

I wish that I could give you some advice, but fortunately the ladies before me have said it a lot better than I could have. I'm truly sorry that you are going through this, especially while pregnant. Hang in there!! I hope that you are able to figure out the best resolution for your family, and soon!

[mommytoone]

May 24, 2015 21:34:16 GMT -5 sugarkissed said:

I wish that I could give you some advice, but fortunately the ladies before me have said it a lot better than I could have. I'm truly sorry that you are going through this, especially while pregnant. Hang in there!! I hope that you are able to figure out the best resolution for your family, and soon!

Right now he says that even though he *really* doesn't want to leave, he feels that it is best for him to get some space/time to think by going to his moms. Which is even worse considering I can't hug, kiss, be "with", or basically do anything with him and he says "he will still be here more than 50% of the time to see our son" I just hope that he soon realizes where he REALLY wants to be and where his heart is. I love him with 120% of my heart and I just hope he realizes that. I do not like this situation at all as it makes it even harder knowing I can't do anything at all with him when he is here. I trust him, so when he tells me that "there is no one else" I really don't feel like there is even though I really don't understand why he is wanting to tear the family apart right now. The new baby will be here in LESS than 16 weeks. All I can do right now I guess is Hope and PRAY.

[happymama]

Sending thoughts and prayers your way. It is very wrong for him to walk away from his wife who is mid-way through pregnancy with his child. I get that the stress is tough to take and sometimes space helps, but it's not like you get a break from it. It is very selfish for him to run to his mommy when things get rough and leave you to cope on your own.

That being said, you are 100% right that there is nothing you can do to change him or his heart. I hope his mom gives him a stern lecture about his responsibilities and that he is able to wake up and realize what an ass he was.

I would try to find a support system aside from him. Turn to your family and friends. You shouldn't have to do this alone, but you can't rely on him to support you based on how he is behaving. Use the time he is away to try to clear your head, and if he does decide to come back, I would advise that you insist on therapy. He doesn't get to come and go as he pleases, that isn't how family works. No matter how unhappy you are, you don't walk away from your partner when they are vulnerable.

[zoly1103]

Sorry I'm late to this, but I agree 100% with happymama.

As far as counseling, I would consider trying to talk to someone by yourself if he won't go. I don't understand why he says you can't afford it when maintaining two separate houses if you divorce will cost A LOT more. But I would suggest A)checking insurance to see what it will cover. You may only need a co-pay. B) See if either of your employers (if you have one) has something called EAP. They often cover therapy for up to 5 sessions free of charge. C) If none of that works out, see if you can find someone who works on a sliding scale. Basically, eliminate the excuses.