Intro...don't know where else to go (possible triggers)

[teenybenoit]

Lurking in Carrying a rainbow only makes my heart hurt, going over to GKU or TTC > 35 isn't right at the moment, yet I feel alone and need some support. I have a wonderful husband but I fear in driving him crazy.
I am in the process of my 3rd mc, only found out yesterday that there is no HB and I'm measured too small for 9wk1d so I have been sent home to wait for this to happen. I stopped the progesterone suppositories yesterday and so far I'm spotting but not yet heavily.
I'm angry, I'm sad, I scared and I don't know what the future holds. I feel broken. I can't shut my brain off.
I know I'm not alone but yet this feels very lonely.
I hope I can hang out here for a bit.

[starfishy]

I'm so very sorry for your loss. I pray for comfort for you and your husband.
I hope you find support here.

[nikolie93]

I just saw this over at CAR and I am so sorry to hear this. I was hoping to come back to the board with better news for you

Multiple MC's suck and I so wish there were magic words I could say go make it better but you know there isn't.

We are here to listen to you vent or cry on our shoulders *hugs* and to you.

[teenybenoit]

nikolie93 thank you. Yes they suck and the feelings of a third have me feeling overwhelmed because I really thought this was our rainbow baby.
I am really sad, I'm also really angry and I'm emotionally exhausted yet I can't close my eyes.
Trying not to make permanent decisions right now but part of me feels like, how many more times can I do this? Yet I know many women who have been through ten million times worse situations then mine.
Faaaack!
Anyway, it's good to see some friendly faces here. Thank you for your kind words.

[teenybenoit]

starfishy thank you. Hugs.

[nikolie93]

May 23, 2015 22:20:50 GMT -5 teenybenoit said:

nikolie93 thank you. Yes they suck and the feelings of a third have me feeling overwhelmed because I really thought this was our rainbow baby.
I am really sad, I'm also really angry and I'm emotionally exhausted yet I can't close my eyes.
Trying not to make permanent decisions right now but part of me feels like, how many more times can I do this? Yet I know many women who have been through ten million times worse situations then mine.
Faaaack!
Anyway, it's good to see some friendly faces here. Thank you for your kind words.

It's definitley not time to make any permanent decisions. I know it sucks but you just have to give it time. After you heal physically and then mentally, you can think about things. Until then feel what you want to feel and cry when you want to cry.

And yes, people have been through a million times worse but don't downplay your situation, because it's a sucky one *hugs*

[followthesun]

teenybenoit, I'm so sorry for your loss. It's not fair to go through this once, much less multiple times. Big ((hugs)) to you.

[vancitygirl]

I agree you shouldn't downplay your situation. My brother told me that with my mc that it was my "emotional Everest" which is not the same for everyone. (He is a psychiatrist btw) own your pain, allow yourself to acknowledge it and it is absolutely ok to be sad or mad and angry and frustrated. But, take your time making any decisions. Big love to you and lots of hugs

[hollyberry]

teenybenoit, I am so, so sorry that you are here. I too have been watching your updates and really hoping for you that you would have good news the other day. So many hugs lady!

as nikolie93, said, take the time before you make any decisions. Right now it is your right to feel whatever you feel, let yourself feel it! We all feel your pain with you!

I definately understand the feeling of thinking you had your rainbow. I too, with my second loss, felt that way. I was so scared the whole time I was KU and maye didn't even let myself get too attached, yet deep down I really didn't think it would happen again. When it did, it hit me pretty hard, maybe even harder then the first lost.

I know these next days will be very difficult, I hope that the process will get started sooner rather then later fo you!

We are here, this board is pretty slow at times, but I know that there are lots of people that keep checking to see if there is anything new. So if you need us we are here.

Take care of yourself, be kind to yourself, and allow yourself to feel all the feelings!

hugs!

[swivelchair5]

I'm so sorry for your losses. We are here for you.

[teenybenoit]

Thank you ladies. I finally got some sleep for a few hours last night. I think a lot of me is thinking random decisions and thoughts because I'm tired and sad and scared. I've gone from thinking this can't possibly happen again to I think this might happen every time. It's irrational thinking the same as thinking God might be punishing me for having been a shitty wife in my first marriage, logically I know that's not true, but I think in a situation that makes little sense your thoughts can also do the same.
No decisions right now except how to get through the next few days and then weeks.
I shared on Facebook our struggle and this loss yesterday as I feel often times like I can't talk about this unless it is in a safe environment like here, but my thoughts yesterday were what if I could reach even one person out there that might be going through the same thing and feels just as alone.
The comments were all very compassionate and I think helped some realize what a struggle this has been for us. I'm glad I posted. But I'm glad I'm here too as you all are so wonderfully supportive and can relate and it feels safe.

[hollyberry]

Sounds like a good plan to just take it day by day! You are very brave to open up on Facebook and I am so glad that you found the comments you received to be comforting. I agree and feel that by opening up you are helping the world think differently about pregnancy loss. I can also relate to how your thoughts can quickly change from bad to worse. And how it's not always easy to tell yourself what you actually know. That its not your fault and you are not being punished. But telling ypurself and your heart is not as easy as it should be! Glad you got some sleep. * hugs*

[nikolie93]

@teenybinoit I'm glad you were able to sleep some and that you were able to share your story with others. That helped me as well.

I also had the same thoughts as you about being punished for things I've done in my past that I was a bit ashamed about. I knew it was an irrational thought but wanted you to know you aren't alone thinking things like that.

I hope you heal quickly *hug*

[muscari]

I'm so so sorry that you find yourself here yet another time.. my heart is breaking for you. I second what nikolie93 and other PPs have said; take things one step at a time, no need nor the time to make big decisions about the future. Take the time to heal physically, mentally, and most of all be kind to yourself. ((hugs))

[vivela]

I lurk on CAR a bit and I was so sorry to see your news. This is an overwhelming experience, and you've gone through a lot. From some of your other posts it seems like you are feeling alone - not surprising as it is so difficult for people to understand what this is like. I hope this board is helpful for you, and we will be here for you.