Post by Missa13 on May 27, 2015 6:16:31 GMT -5
Edit: I suck at reading when I'm hopped up on drugs. I didn't initially realize this board is only for those TTC again. I don't fit here or anywhere really I guess. But I didn't want to DD. Sorry.
I have only posted very minimally on proboards and was pretty much a lurker the last 1.5 years on TB, but I hope you will have me. I recognize many of you.
Tldr; three losses, most recent a D&C yesterday. Desperately trying to hold it together for my children.
My name is Melissa and I have now had three losses. The first was a CP in 1/11, then we were diagnosed with DOR and endometriosis. We were so lucky to conceive fraternal twin boys with the assistance of Femara and gonal-f, they were born at 29w4d due to PTL on 4/4/12. We lost our fourth child, a boy, due to triploidy XXY in 12/13.
During the last year we have been trying and did several Femara cycles. But the cost, emotionally and physically, was too much and we gave up in February. Due to my rock bottom AMH, practically nonexistent AFC, and my sky high FSH we were told donor egg IVF was likely our only shot at a healthy pregnancy. My RE didn't totally rule out a non assisted pregnancy so we didn't protect but we certainly didn't try. We found out we were pregnant again on 4/29 and the betas were awesome. Last Monday the heartbeat was fabulous but baby was measuring almost a week behind from where I felt I should be. On Saturday I woke up to bright red blood and ultrasound showed slow growth and an extremely slow heartbeat. We lost the baby sometime between 9:45am Saturday and 8am yesterday. I opted for a D&C and my RE was fabulous enough to fit me in just four hours after the ultrasound. I'm devastated but happy that we will get a chromosome analysis now. Knowing our last was a boy and why we lost him has helped in the healing process.
But really I was just getting back to being happy. Our last loss threw me for such a tailspin and I wasn't the mom my kids deserved for a very long time. I'm desperately trying to hold it together for them now. I know I need time and space to grieve, but I don't want to miss a moment with my children. I hate that all of you are here, but I could use some words of wisdom. How have you managed to set aside and just be present, if even just for a short time? Have you found a way to mourn that has really helped you? I know I am finally going to schedule a tattoo appointment for a design that has been in my head for years. But I'm looking for anything else that can help. Donor eggs are completely out of the realm of possibility so my husband and I are discussing him getting a vasectomy. So I'm not only grieving another lost child, I'm also having to regrieve being done.
I have only posted very minimally on proboards and was pretty much a lurker the last 1.5 years on TB, but I hope you will have me. I recognize many of you.
Tldr; three losses, most recent a D&C yesterday. Desperately trying to hold it together for my children.
My name is Melissa and I have now had three losses. The first was a CP in 1/11, then we were diagnosed with DOR and endometriosis. We were so lucky to conceive fraternal twin boys with the assistance of Femara and gonal-f, they were born at 29w4d due to PTL on 4/4/12. We lost our fourth child, a boy, due to triploidy XXY in 12/13.
During the last year we have been trying and did several Femara cycles. But the cost, emotionally and physically, was too much and we gave up in February. Due to my rock bottom AMH, practically nonexistent AFC, and my sky high FSH we were told donor egg IVF was likely our only shot at a healthy pregnancy. My RE didn't totally rule out a non assisted pregnancy so we didn't protect but we certainly didn't try. We found out we were pregnant again on 4/29 and the betas were awesome. Last Monday the heartbeat was fabulous but baby was measuring almost a week behind from where I felt I should be. On Saturday I woke up to bright red blood and ultrasound showed slow growth and an extremely slow heartbeat. We lost the baby sometime between 9:45am Saturday and 8am yesterday. I opted for a D&C and my RE was fabulous enough to fit me in just four hours after the ultrasound. I'm devastated but happy that we will get a chromosome analysis now. Knowing our last was a boy and why we lost him has helped in the healing process.
But really I was just getting back to being happy. Our last loss threw me for such a tailspin and I wasn't the mom my kids deserved for a very long time. I'm desperately trying to hold it together for them now. I know I need time and space to grieve, but I don't want to miss a moment with my children. I hate that all of you are here, but I could use some words of wisdom. How have you managed to set aside and just be present, if even just for a short time? Have you found a way to mourn that has really helped you? I know I am finally going to schedule a tattoo appointment for a design that has been in my head for years. But I'm looking for anything else that can help. Donor eggs are completely out of the realm of possibility so my husband and I are discussing him getting a vasectomy. So I'm not only grieving another lost child, I'm also having to regrieve being done.
) after my loss because those words really hit home for me. I hope that you'll share a picture of it when it's finished. 
