Post by starsailor26 on Jan 22, 2015 18:25:21 GMT -5
We're okay with immediate family visiting a few hours after she is born, depending on the time of day. Last time everyone that visited stayed for less than an hour, said hello to the baby and went on their way. I'm sure it will be the same this time around which is fine with me. Visitors at home were the same thing and it was close friends, so we were okay with that. Plus most brought food and that was nice. I'm hopeful everyone will do the same this time around so we won't need to drop hints or outright ask anybody to leave.
Post by NatashaBromanoff on Jan 22, 2015 18:33:55 GMT -5
Reading all these stories I'm glad my mom is the only person coming down for the birth. Everyone else is on the other side of the country and I only have two close friends I'm fine with visiting for a short time after the birth that live in town.
Post by bnizzlebizzle on Jan 22, 2015 18:46:47 GMT -5
My mom and daughter will be the only people visiting this time. Last time my MIL, SILs, and their kids visited and it was overwhelming. I was so swollen from the birth, couldn't sit right and my DD had to be on the bili-lights and have an IV port in (we had mild fevers at the time of birth and got antibiotics). It was not a pleasant experience. Once we're home I figure short visits are OK, but I'd really rather not see anyone for at least a week and only if they don't mind seeing my boobs. My husband's family is 45 minutes away though so I don't know how successful I'll be at that.
Post by gamora24527 on Jan 22, 2015 18:55:00 GMT -5
I was in the hospital for almost a week after my c-section last time and had a fair number of visitors. We didn't have anyone visit at home for a week after I was discharged because frankly I wasn't up to even having family over. I limited visitors at the hospital and at home to those who had current pertussis and flu vaccinations. I was very lucky and no one overstayed their welcome. The nurses were also very good about moving people along and kicking them out when it was time for me to nurse or get my incision checked.
I am imposing the same restrictions this time. I will only have immediate family visit the day of my RCS and not until several hours after I'm brought to my room. If they want to watch DD get a bath in the nursery through the window and wait several hours to meet her, that's fine with me. I don't care how long they wait in the waiting room. My kid, my rules. I've told close friends and extended family that they can visit beginning the day after my RCS. I am again imposing the vaccine and no visitors for the first week at home rule.
I know many of you have problems relatives, and my MIL is one such person. Get your SO or nurse to do the dirty work if it's time for someone to go. You just birthed a baby. Don't beat yourself up if you don't feel like dealing with overzealous visitors.
With my first people were biting at the bit to come over. I specifically remember a friend who came over just as my milk was coming in. When your milk comes in it is painful. THe last thing you want is to entertain someone while you are figuring out things. With my second I didn't see people for over a week and I was much more pleasant for it. I don't want to see people immediately this time either.
You need time to bond, sleep, nurse, learn things without people "helping" by holding the baby.
My sister is the only person in my family that lives close by, everyone else in my family and my husbands family lives a plane ride away. I have no problems with my sister coming to visit us in the hospital and once we're home since she'll be a big help with the baby. My parents are probably coming about 2-3 weeks after my due date to help out, since i didn't want them to spend money on plane tickets and be away from home for a long time just to wait or come at a time they wouldn't be helpful. My husbands parents sadly have passed away, but my husbands siblings plan to come in early summer (May / June) since its hard for them to travel but they want to meet him (this is their suggestion). By this point, things will be a bit calmer and we will have a better hang of the parenting thing and we can actually enjoy time with them, the weather will be nicer for getting out and doing things, etc.
We'll probably limit friends from visiting in the hospital and the first 2 weeks or so; just given our friends all have little kids and I don't want them bringing germs over.
All of our family is at least an hour away. We don't plan to let anyone know when we head to the hospital and will call when we're ready for visitors, which will still give us a couple hours together before anyone gets there.
Oh and I SUPER don't get people that have live in visitors that aren't SUPER close with them and incredibly helpful. Even then, I don't get it. I'm really close with my mom and she is SO helpful, but I still would want the time to just bond with my family, not have someone else there 24/7. But I hear so many people complain about visitors, that they offer unsolicited advice, that they don't even help clean or cook, and that they just want to hold the baby. Nope.
Your boobs will be out ALL of the time. You will be bleeding. You will be in pain. You will be EMOTIONAL. You will be in love and bonding with your kiddo and/or completely overwhelmed. Family or friends that you wouldn't want to see you in all of these states shouldn't be around, IMO, except for short visits.
Amen. I agree with everything you've said in this thread. My mom and my girls will be the only ones visiting us at the hospital besides my MIL and SIL. I really don't even want my MIL and SIL there initially, but H assured me it would be a VERY short visit and then they would leave. I am not one for visitor's in the hospital or even at home right after the baby. I need my time and my space and my privacy. You will be bleeding more than you have before. You will have your boobs out A LOT if you're breastfeeding. You will be emotional trying to figure it all out.
My mom might stop by after the baby is born, to help around the house, but she is super helpful. In her mind, her job is to take care of the house and to take care of me so that I can take care of the baby. I'm close to her and totally ok with that. No to everyone else for the first two weeks.
This is my situation too. My mom lives OOT and will be staying with us for a month..but she has made it clear that she will want her own space when the crying gets to be too much, and she is here to help cook and clean, and let us bond with the babies. Honestly, I think it will be nice having her close by in those moments of self doubt and/or exhaustion. I'm an only child so she doesn't have a ton of baby exp, she knows that I'm more equipped to handle the babies than she..
I enjoyed having people at the hospital but not a home when we first got home. It was too stressful as I felt bad that she was crying and keeping the whole house up. My FIL was the only one that stayed with us at the house and I hope to have DH ask him to not stay this time around.
I enjoyed having people at the hospital but not a home when we first got home. It was too stressful as I felt bad that she was crying and keeping the whole house up. My FIL was the only one that stayed with us at the house and I hope to have DH ask him to not stay this time around.
I kind of feel the same way. I'd rather have visitors at the hospital where are there are more defined rules, it's already an unfamiliar environment and I can get nurses to run interference. At home, I'll be trying to get used to motherhood, DH and I will be trying to balance this new little person in our home, my milk will come in around then, it will be harder to kick people out, etc.
Right now, I think I'm going for an open door policy for family (all immediate plus an aunt) at the hosptial starting a few hours/next day after birth and then limit visitors at home. I'm very close to my family, who are almost all local and I can't imagine not having them around. A co-worker mentioned she and our other co-worker wanted to come see us at the hospital. I hope to hold her off for a couple of weeks, at least.
This may be an UO - but I don't have plans to limit visitors. My mom is coming to stay with me for the entire months of Feb and March (I will be induced before Feb 12).
I don't care who comes to the hospital. But I have no problem saying get out.
Post by chunkymonkeylvr on Jan 22, 2015 20:44:22 GMT -5
My mother lives a 10th of a mile down the road so she is the one that gets to hang out with my other two while in labor. My Dad lives 8 hours away and pretty much hops in the car the second I let him know I'm in labor, he will stay about a week. My mom, step mom, and dad will be here for when I get home.
They are great about cooking and cleaning up around the house. They are also awesome about hanging out with the older two so I can bond. I don't MI d Bfing in front of anyone or escaping away. So it works for me.
My in laws will be coming late April, but I wouldn't mind them coming sooner. They are also amazing. I am looking forward to my MIL bringing me coffee in bed and how helpful they are. Any project that needs to get done my 78 yr old FIL gets it done. Love them!
I'm super social and A lot of interactions I enjoy having them around. They also know how to behave in a house with a newborn and what is expected from them. If I had a different set of grandparents to deal with I bet I would have stronger opinions.
Post by luvsponies on Jan 22, 2015 20:46:41 GMT -5
My family lives locally but my ILs don't. At the hospital, my Mom, Dad and two sisters can definitely visit but it'll be under visitors hours and hospital rules. Once we get home, the first week will just be me and H because he'll be off from work. Then he goes to work and my Mom is going to come over to help clean the house and make sure I don't need anything. My MIL wants to visit badly, but I cannot imagine her staying in the house. Maybe if she visits after a month or so. I just cannot imagine having her there while we're going through all of that, even if she is helping.
I also think I'd be one that would be timid and not able to control visitors, so I don't really think I'm going to want friends, etc over for at least 4-5 weeks.
Post by ladysnowblood on Jan 22, 2015 21:58:20 GMT -5
After I had DS, it was kind of crazy at the hospital. There was a crowd of people waiting in my recovery room when I got wheeled in from surgery. People were constantly in my room the whole time I was in the hospital (during visiting hours). My ILs have a bad habit of overstaying their welcome, and this was no exception.
This time will be different. We're not going to tell anyone I'm in labor (except for my mom because she's going to keep DS). I'm not even going to tell anyone when I have the baby until after I've had time recover and bond, so it may not even be until the next day because I want DS to be the first one to meet her. Also not going to let anyone stay for long periods of time like they did last time.
Luckily for us, everyone caught a bug from the hospital and stayed away for 2 weeks after we got home with DS. It was glorious. I think we will go with no visitors for the first 2 weeks again this time for reasons PP already said (frecklesinside hit the nail on the head).
Ladies, my biggest piece of advice is to grow a pair of balls if you haven't already. You will start needing them the day your child is born. Do only what YOU are comfortable with and if people don't like it, they can suck it.
DH and I have agreed on no visitors at the hospital. As for recovery at home, a lot of our family lives close by and my dad stays with us frequently so hell probably pop in. I dont mind him coming by because my dad is really hands off and keeps to himself. He also doesnt care for babies.
As for other visitors, I guess well play it by ear! DHs best friend comes home from Korea 2 days after my EDD for one week and theyre attached at the hip...so im curious to see how that plays out.
My mom will be at the birth, and my dad has said he plans to camp out in the waiting room, lol. I'm good with my parents involvement because we're really close and I rely on them. But I have boundaries I'll be setting once we leave the hospital that will be fairly strict. Such as short visits that are pre-scheduled.
MIL is batshit crazy, and in a fit of jealousy over the fact that we're having a baby to take attention away from her she scheduled an elective surgery for Feb 17. Our EDD is March 3. She's expecting us to coddle her and babysit her during her 3 month recovery. Which will not be happening. However, on the plus side, since her foot will be broken it will mean she will not be at the hospital during delivery. And while she lives next door, she'll be too laid up to waddle over to our house to harass us during those first couple of weeks. So that's my silver lining. She's been talking about scheduling this surgery for the last year. It will be her third time having it done on the same foot. But of course she decides to schedule it when we're expecting a baby. Dats how she rolls, yo.
I originally had planned to have MIL and GMIL visit in the hospital. After going on the hospital tour, I've changed my mind. The postpartum rooms are pretty small and my hospital only allows for 2 people in the room with you at the same time. I'm not kicking H out, so I'll wait until I'm home for any visitors. The hospital is great in that they won't allow anyone into the L&D wing that doesn't know your name, DOB, and room number. If we change our minds on visitors, this at least prevents unexpected guests.
We're allowing home visits by invitation only. I'm not sure exactly what I'll feel up to in the first couple of weeks, so invitations won't go out until I'm ready. My mom would LOVE to be here for the birth, but she lives out of state. She thinks she should come a few weeks after baby is born. Most likely, any overnight house guest won't get an invite for at least the first month. I don't want to worry about guest towels and clean linens until I feel somewhat comfortable being a new mom.
We're in a bit of a different situation since all our family lives in the states and we live in Germany. But our plan is that no one visits us at the hospital.
My parents will be coming out about 10 days after my due date. My mom had a really bad experience with her mom visiting before she gave birth to me, so she just really wants to make sure that she doesn't push the cycle forward. The most important part of my parent's visit is that they are going to be with me while DH goes to a class in a town 5 hours away for a week.
Apparently my MIL is coming out by herself now (not happy about this) but will be here for about 10 days in April, towards the end of my leave. DH has promised me that he will take leave during the visit. I love his mom, but she does not know boundaries/is a little crazy. FIL will be waiting to visit until H's change of command (He's assuming one-yay!) which should be in the May/June time frame.
We live in a 2 bedroom apartment, and there are no extra beds. Everyone is staying in a hotel down the street during their visits. It's close enough to walk, so no extra needs on us at all.
I was very overwhelmed like frecklesinside said. DD was born at 8:30 at night and then I did an hour of skin to skin. I had my family (prob about 10 people) come in after that but were all gone by 10 or so. I was naked and under a cover the entire time.
I was discharged after 2 days and from there on I was overwhelmed. I was tired, inexperienced, and there were way too many guests. My MIL was in from out of town (not staying with us which was my demand). I probably had a revolving door or 10 different people for like 2-3 days. After DH found me in the bath tub crying, we made a rule---no more than 2 visitors a day and no longer than an hour. I didn't even feel like I got to hold her except to nurse and then had to hand her off to someone else since they were "just visiting for a bit".
My mom will have DD during the day and DH is staying home with her and my mom will be spending the night in the hospital with me. I will do the hour of skin to skin again. Depending what time I have her, I will then bring DD1 in to meet her and then my mom. From there we will play it by ear.
Once I am home I will do the 2 visitors a day rule again. One thing I learned it that while your family is excited and you might feel bad turning them away, this is your one and only "first days" with your baby.
DH is in the Navy, so we've been either across an ocean (HI vs. WA state last time) or country (this time). My mom came last time when DH went back to work for a couple weeks, which was amazing. She's an extra pair of hands and just pitches in (e.g., "I'm throwing darks in the wash, do you have anything to go in?"). Then she came with my dad and brother a couple weeks later, which was also good. I had breastfeeding much more established by then, and they all go off on their own adventures, and they provide lots of comic relief. My MIL, however, came by herself for 10 days when DS was 6ish weeks, and it was still too much, too soon. She needed to be entertained the whole time, made dinner all of once, and has this weird thing about just barging into rooms (including my bedroom at 6 am, or the bathroom while I'm showering) without knocking. This time, my parents will be coming out to hang out with DS when I go into labor (we do have some backup plans in case they don't get here in time...), and then they'll be here for a few days to pick up some slack with DS and the house. DH will be on leave for the first 10 days or so, and we're planning on having a few of those days being just the 4 of us. My in-laws are invited to come several weeks later, for a few days, and DH will be on leave the entire fucking time because I am not dealing with that shit by myself again.
So, as far as tips: be honest with yourself about who will be help and who will be overwhelming... You'll remember the times you spend sobbing into your pillow so that your [mom/mil/aunt/whoever] can't hear you, and that's hard to get over. Being assertive, or making your husband be assertive, now will save you some heartache in the long run (2 1/2 yrs later, I still get all pissed about it). It's not about the new grandma(s), it's about you, daddy, and the baby... This isn't the time to worry about everyone/anyone else's feelings.
With DD we didn't mind if family came to visit at the hospital. It wasn't overwhelming, just a couple people would come at a time and I actually enjoyed the visits. When we got home from the hospital my grandparents came to visit but I was excited to see them and my mom ordered a ridiculous amount of Panera to feed us so I didn't have to do a darn thing; no food prep, no dishes, nothing. (And we had amazing left overs for a couple days too!)
I guess it depends on your family and how your body is healing. I have a really mellow family that I love being around and I didn't feel too bad physically. That's far from the case for a lot of people so it's understandable when some new parents want time to be alone for awhile.
Last time, my MIL stayed with us for a MONTH after my DD was born. I WILL NOT be doing this again. It was horrible. She was trying to help, but wouldn't really let me do much of anything with my own baby, because, in her words, they lived 2 states over and she'll never get to see her so now is her time. What the actual fuck?
She lives in the same state as us now, but still 3 hours away. My ILs will be staying with my BIL, but I overheard my DH tell her she could sleep her when we're home from the hospital for a few days. No she fucking can't! She can come during the day, but during the evening, it is our time.
Plus, everything frecklesinside said. You'll be bleeding, lactating, you'll be hormonal, you'll be exhausted. I would have felt so much more comfortable in my own home if my MIL had not stayed with us.
I would absolutely die. My MIL is BSC and I don't think I could handle that at all.
Plus, maybe unpopular, but don't these people remember what it was like having newborns themselves? No one wants an overstaying guest- and there are PLENTY of other exciting times in a baby's/ child's life to visit.
snarkysparklefart I'm with you. I would KILL my mother-in-law and no they don't remember or if they do, they choose to forget and be super inconsiderate anyways
I am not sure who will show up at the hospital, but I don't mind as long as it is only the people close to DH and me (they are all super excited because we are team green). My DH has been warned if his crazy ass Aunt comes he has to deal with her. My mom is going to be with me for the first couple of days, but because I have to go back to school within the next week she and all of our family will have plenty of alone time to hold LO.
Post by thenetwork on Jan 23, 2015 11:37:19 GMT -5
We had my mom come and stay with our pets while I was in labor with DS. She and my older sister came to visit for about an hour after he was born. My MIL and FIL came the next day for about 20 minutes, just enough time to snap a few photos. I really appreciated that everyone kept their visits short. No one but DH was in the delivery room. Once we were home for good, my mom left. We lived in a tiny house (800 sq. ft.) at there was really no room for house guests, which was great.
This time around either my mom or MIL will come up and watch DS and the dogs while we're at the hospital. I trust them both to be very respectful of our boundaries, as we really don't want anyone at the house once we are back with the new baby. I could say more, but I really think frecklesinside has said it well. I was a complete mess last time and really needed privacy.
Post by saucymonkeygirl on Jan 23, 2015 11:48:09 GMT -5
I'm having a scheduled C-section and the moms and my daughter are allowed to be at the hospital for an hour that day but nobody else. I WILL NOT have visitors until the next day and will make my wishes be known to the hospital.
Once we are home, I don't want a constant stream of people and will not answer my phone or any messages until I am damn well ready.
My first was an absolute shit show and resulted in a lot of anxiety and irritability on my part which directly affected my daughter. It took us a long time to bond and I still regret letting so many people into my house and hospital room.
We've communicated this to our mothers and while they are not thrilled, they understand, especially my mom as she knows what happened the first time. This is MIL's first grandchild and I understand her disappointment but my baby and our family's comfort come first.
This is the one area where I'm not thankful to live near family. My mother has no understanding of boundaries - I think she'll camp out in the waiting room, regardless of what we say. I'm working on having my father and sister control her, and have no problem enlisting hospital staff to enforce boundaries, either. I also have a BSC aunt who has been reminding me of when she'll be returning from Florida so I can plan around that (from most people, I'd take that with a grain of salt, but she put me through textbook toxic behavior last summer and is known for bringing people in close to her and then having massive falling outs, so I don't trust her as far as I can throw her).
Anyways, I've been prepping my family to help me manage my mother for a while. I've been hoping my BSC aunt will not be an issue - when she's nice, she's great, but after the drama last summer and some really odd behavior at my shower, I'm now letting my family know I will not tolerate / entertain / ask about her insane reactions to whatever "hurts her to her core" this week. Her feelings are not of the importance she thinks they are, and accomodating her poorly managed mental health is not my issue.
My mom will be with us in the hospital and at home for the first week. She told my dad I wanted him at the hospital waiting. I don't really care but I don't think he will want to be sitting around for awhile. Now sure about my brother and his gf or my il's when they will be up. Haven't really talked about it. I did tell my mom dad's friend will not touch the baby ever. He is mentally retarded (he's 60 with the the mind of a teenager) he doesn't like to shower because he figures he will get dirty again so why get clean. Nope not going near the baby and I'm not sure if we say you have to give her back ni w because of xyz he will listen right away.
It's definitely a personal decision IMO. We had one friend visit the hospital when J was born and I honestly was annoyed after she got there because I was tired and was still getting the hang of nursing and all that (I totally appreciated that she wanted to come and welcome my new baby and all that. It wasn't her fault I was annoyed at all.. not trying to sound bitchy). My family started arriving about 4 days pp and I really enjoyed having them visit me at home especially because they were making dinner and picking up the house and doing overall helpful things and not coming by just to snuggle my baby that I needed to nurse almost constantly those first weeks. I'm still thinking I want that time alone directly after birth this time. I definitely don't want anyone besides MH and the midwives and the birth photog at this birth and we will see when I feel up to visitors afterwards. My BFF basically wanted an audience at her births and I just can't relate, but it doesn't mean she was wrong in wanting her family and friends to come see her and the baby. FWIW, I'm a fairly quiet, private, introvert so I feel most comfortable without all the extra people while I'm adjusting to my new baby.
Then Comes Family, LLC is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising
program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com.