Post by katybriggs on Jan 22, 2015 21:59:34 GMT -5
I don't think A hates DH, but he just screams at him until I get home. His tummy is better & he was normal at DC all day. He was normal after I got home.
Literally he screams bloody murder & holds his breath & refuses to eat. DH is understandably frustrated, but it's giving way to a deep sadness that his son seems to want nothing to do with him.
DH says he tries to hold him & comfort him to no avail. I thought this was an isolated incident because he was sick, but not so much. DH does need to work on his bedside manner, as we discussed earlier this week. But this is beyond that.
I told DH that we need to work together to get him more involved in the mundane care of A. I have taken the lead & I do all the mornings (except 1 a week) and all bedtimes. I told him we need to start rotation him in so he's holding him more & I'm holding him less. I think I've been a baby hog & DH had been so gracious as to let me. It can't continue like this though. Being the default parent is one thing. This is turning into something way more intense than that.
Does anyone else have any advice or suggestions? Today DH said 'he doesn't want anything to do with me, and I don't want to be around someone who doesn't want me'. It was quite possibly one of the most gut wrenching statements I've ever heard. To feel like your child hates you, oh geez that has to sting.
Post by rondackhiker on Jan 22, 2015 22:28:31 GMT -5
Honestly?
Your H needs to get help. Someone said it before and I agreed then and feel it more strongly now.
I think he needs some help with some type of parenting class so he can know more about development and strategies, and I think he needs help with what sounds like depression.
((hugs)) we had similar issues in the fall, not quiet as bad, but X definitely preferred me to DH, I believe because i'd always been the 'primary'. It just took DH interacting more, getting down on the floor playing with him, doing tub time, reading to him, etc. When this was happening, i'd go elsewhere in the house so I wasn't distracting X. 't wasn't an overnight fix, it took probably a month or so, but now X can't get enough daddy time. Hang in there!
Post by carissalynp on Jan 22, 2015 22:31:03 GMT -5
Oh geez. ((hugs)) to all of you, that is gut wrenching. Is he better with your H when they're alone together, or if you're there as well? Wold he possibly be better if they left the house and went somewhere, where there were things to do or look at? I think you have a good plan of having him do more of the routine things. Could he wear A maybe? That way they'd have time being close but still doing things? Or if it's better when you're home too, then maybe they could find something that A likes to do that's just their thing? I wish I had more advice, my heart hurts for you guys. I understand why he would feel discouraged at this point, but I think he needs to focus on the long run and find whatever his way is of relating to A to help form the foundations of their relationship when he gets older.
ETA: I do agree with rondackhiker. Besides the parenting part (which honestly he needs to want to learn) there seems to be a bigger problem going on too, based on the way you've said he's treated and talked to you as well. He's been through some big ups and downs lately, and that all can take a huge toll. I think counseling- individual and family as well would really be something to pursue. Can you seeif there are assistance or low cost programs if you don't have insurance to cover it?
I had a whole long post typed up, but log story short I agree with Ronda. I think you guys might need family counseling. This just sounds like his issue is deeper.
I'm going to try to grab some sleep quickly, but I saw this and wanted to send some love first. I'm sorry that this is happening. I think there's great advice and perspective in here. (((hugs)))
katybriggs It took a long time for DD1 to get comfortable with H and it was really hard for him. He felt sad and rejected. He wasn't expecting her to have such a hard time bonding with him. It really wasn't until I got pregnant with DD2 that they were forced together. Now they are amazing together. It just took some time, a lot of time. My advice is first to encourage him and acknowledge his feelings. Second, don't let either of them off the hook. Keep trying. It is hard because you want to rush in and fix it, but make them work it out. They will. Another thing, I had to learn to be okay with my husband doing it "wrong." I had to learn to let him find his own way and not micromanage him. I had to learn that I was making it worse by always coming to the rescue.
((Hugs)) I know it is hard. But I also know it gets better.
Hugs to you and your H. Mh and I have dealt/are dealing with this to a lesser extent. I know that MH feels very rejected sometimes too and it makes him want to give up. He doesn't want to be the reason lo cries and he doesn't want to feel like he can't soothe his own kid. I get it. But it is absolutely not a failure, it's development. It's a stage that most babies go through and will get through. The best thing to do is to keep your H as involved as possible bc A won't become more comfortable with someone who isn't around. For my situation, I try to set mh and lo up for success. If I am playing with lo and she is in a great mood, I pull mh in and slowly step back so lo can associate happy safe feelings with mh. If lo has a need to be met (sleep, hunger, hygiene) she is going to prefer me. I try to run an errand during that time so h has her full attn bc she will know if I am in the house. And finally I take over if mh needs me to it. Even though I do the bulk of the babying, it is more taxing for him so I try to take over when I know he is reaching his limit.
Sorry you guys are struggling with this. I certainly dont have it all figured out but these are some steps that helped me. Good luck! Remember, it won't last forever
Post by ellewills618 on Jan 23, 2015 5:33:09 GMT -5
Big squishy hugs. I'm sorry you guys are going through this. I wish I had something brilliant to say but I think this is the kind of thing that is just going to take time and persistence. I'm sure your H feels awful but he can't just give in to defeat here- he's a parent and that's a 24/7 job and A needs his daddy too. Are there any Dad friends he might reach out to to get some ideas about what to do with A? Or any support groups where he could get some resources and ideas?
And if your DH needs to hear it, he's not alone. E screams at me a lot now when I can't figure out what he wants. And he screamed all through bed time two nights running. And he does this even though I'm with him all day. I feel helpless but it's all he's got to communicate so I'm doing my best. Parenting is hard.
We've had some similar issues, but to a lesser extent. I can definitely relate to what squirm wrote. E went through a stage when she only wanted me and nothing else would do. The biggest change for us was just getting him more involved in the daily tasks that defaulted to me. They have developed a stronger bond now that it's not always me. He was insecure about his parenting skills and if he was doing things "right". It especially gave him confidence when E would reach to him for comfort - he finally realized that he was capable of meeting her needs.
Big hugs to you. I agree with previous posters about reaching out for help. Does he have any parenting mentors he could use for guidance?
mamosey Thank you for sharing your experience. It really helps me understand how my H was feeling in those times.
Everyone has given great advice so I will offer some huge (((hugs))) katybriggs. Like others, we have gone through it to a lesser extent. I know with my DH, sometimes when his way of soothing doesn't work, he gets sad/frustrated and kind of gives up. I don't have a magic solution. As PP have said, it is developmental but that doesn't make it less frustrating or heartbreaking.
(((((((((Hugs))))))))) katybriggs. There's some great advice here. I hope that you and DH can work together to transition some of your duties to him in a way that makes A feel safe and comfortable.
I think alot of babies, at least first children, have a hard time being comforted by anyone other than mommy. Lots don't like when grandparents hold them.
Has your H really processed everything with A? Come to terms with it as you have? He has had so much on his plate lately, A rejecting him probably hurts a lot more. I really think you guys could use a safe space to talk with an impartial ear. Maybe she could give your H some mantras or something to help him calm down, refocus and try again.
As far as practical advice, part of my thing when H went through this with DD1 was telling him "it's not about you". Your feelings are second. It sucks that she cries more when you try to comfort her and I know it hurts your heart, but try harder, do something different. Handing her to me solves nothing. Getting frustrated solves nothing.
I left them alone often. H was a SAHD a few days a week when I went back to work and he had to get it. It was hard, but if you could see their relationship now... best, best friends.
Post by djtippietoes on Jan 23, 2015 7:28:26 GMT -5
I'm sorry you are going through this. I know for myself, when I have a stressful event (the job thing, in his case), my stress tends to manifest itself into other areas of my life and things that I would be able to cope with at other times become unmanageable.
I think your ideas of getting your DH more involved are great. And other people who have said just to keep trying probably have the right idea. I know that our babies are still kind of too young to have activities that they love and are excited about, but maybe when he gets a bit older, you guys find something that's like he and DH's thing? Going to the park? Getting ice cream on the weekend? I know that's not particularly helpful right now though.
Post by wildflowers on Jan 23, 2015 9:56:30 GMT -5
I want to second what laur said because she is so right on. "It is not about you." I couldn't agree more. It is so important for him (my H or yours) to understand that even when he feels sad, frustrated, whatever he has to carry on.
Post by katybriggs on Jan 23, 2015 10:02:56 GMT -5
Thank you all for your incredibly heartfelt responses. Especially mamosey - I know you've struggled with the default parent thing, thank you for offering your perspective. Hugs momma.
To kind of respond to everyone at once. Yes, I think he's struggling with depression. I can't imagine how low he must feel after being fired from not one, but two jobs in the span of a few months. Going through a major health scare with A, and now this rejection. How do I get a man who refuses to talk about his feelings to seek counseling though? We have the benefits through my work, it's not out of the question. I can hardly get him to go to the doctor when he's sick though, more or less seek the gentle ear of a therapist.
I'm mad that no one has a magic fix though! Because right now, A has been screaming for nearly 3 solid hours while I'm at work. He won't let anyone come over to help console A - and I'm faced with either knowing my son is going to spend the better part of 10+ hours screaming his head off, or leaving work... again.
I am glad to know that we're not the only ones who have experienced this, and I'm glad to know it's pretty normal and it passes, eventually. I really think @elf828 touched on a lot of the deeper issues though. There's so much more going on here than 'desperation' anxiety. He likes the daycare ladies though, and that's probably the worst part of all. It "proves" that its just him.
I've been texting him this morning, and he's definitely depressed about everything. I brought up talking to someone and he didn't say anything about it. He's convinced that A hates him and only him, and how would anyone at a job like him if his own kid doesn't even want to be around him.
This is breaking my heart today. I have a feeling I'm not going to make it at work all day.
Re: the counseling suggestion...I think there needs to be a disconnect between the "A only wants mommy" convo and the "you should see a therapist" convo. I would hate for him to associate the idea that A doesn't want him with him going to therapy. If that makes any sense. Like...the fact that he could benefit from talking to someone has nothing to do with A's current attachment phase.
I agree with PP's that he has been dealt a pretty crappy hand lately, and I completely understand why he's feeling so low and dejected. To add into that A's mommy preference has got to be a blow to his ego. I hate this for him and for you and for A and I wish I had a magic answer.
Post by wildflowers on Jan 23, 2015 11:22:35 GMT -5
katybriggs - If A is fed, changed, comfortable and you feel he is safe, I honestly think you need to stay at work. I know that is so hard, but you have to break the pattern. But, that is only if you feel like his needs are meet and he is safe. I would tell H to try music, talking to A, distracting him with toys. Does he like baths? Maybe a nice happy bath? What would you do other than hold A if you were home? They have to work this out. Your H can do it. Tell him you beleive in him and you are confident he can manage. Tell him he can't ignore A and he just has to keep trying.
Post by carissalynp on Jan 23, 2015 11:39:48 GMT -5
Yeah I would definitely suggest getting out of the house if possible, unless you think that'd make it worse. We had to leave LO with grandparents when his separation anxiety was at its height, and getting out and doing something to distract him went over way better than trying to entertain him at home- especially if it was at our home.
Post by jordyinindy on Jan 23, 2015 11:55:26 GMT -5
I have no advice to give that hasn't been given but I do have plenty of hugs to share. This sounds so frustrating and I hate you and your family are suffering. I hope things change soon.
Post by katybriggs on Jan 23, 2015 12:32:20 GMT -5
tLex & megash113 he will put him down. He has already put him in his crib and let him cry himself to sleep today. That breaks my heart, but it's better than the alternative.
And I agree with wildflowers that I need to stay at work. This pattern cannot break if I swoop in and "make everything better". And I will never ever get any rest if I don't break the pattern. I'm pretty much solo parenting when I'm not at work at this point. It's not fair to anyone.
Unfortunately, while I'm at work, I think I have to let them work this out. I do believe them to be safe. I wish he would let my dad come over, because it's not like he's got anything going on either.
DH put something up on facebook about A hating him, and he's got some responses with suggestions similar to everyone's here about leaving the house, it happened to them, all that sorts of things. Hopefully hearing it from those other people will help him realize what I've tried telling him. That it's normal and something most people go through at some point or another.
I do so very much appreciate everyone's input on all of this. I am probably stressing about this more than I should be. I really need to find a way to detach a little bit. I cannot remember the last time I left the house without either of them for any reason besides work. I need to work on putting my own mask on.
Post by katybriggs on Jan 23, 2015 16:10:19 GMT -5
just to update: A woke up from his nap (that he cried himself to sleep for) happy. He's been in good spirits for the last 3ish hours. DH fed him and they left the house and went to the mall to walk around.
Post by msenginerd on Jan 23, 2015 16:47:10 GMT -5
Hugs.
With DD1, I have been on both sides of this. Right now I am the preferred parent. Last month I was not.
I think some of the best parenting advice I have ever received was not to take things personally. If your kid refuses to eat the food you lovingly cooked, throws it on the floor instead, don't take it personally. It's not a reflection of you or your cooking. If your kid only wants mom, dad, grandma, the daycare lady, or anyone other than you, don't take it personally. When they get bigger and tell you they hate you, don't take it personally. It's so very hard to do in the moment. But when you can remember that your LOs actions are a reflection of where they are developmentally and it's not about you, it helps you respond to their needs rather than react. I hope that this makes sense.
With DD1, I have been on both sides of this. Right now I am the preferred parent. Last month I was not.
I think some of the best parenting advice I have ever received was not to take things personally. If your kid refuses to eat the food you lovingly cooked, throws it on the floor instead, don't take it personally. It's not a reflection of you or your cooking. If your kid only wants mom, dad, grandma, the daycare lady, or anyone other than you, don't take it personally. When they get bigger and tell you they hate you, don't take it personally. It's so very hard to do in the moment. But when you can remember that your LOs actions are a reflection of where they are developmentally and it's not about you, it helps you respond to their needs rather than react. I hope that this makes sense.
I think this is great advice. I hope to echo this to DH in a way that doesn't scream "I asked the baby board about this today, and this is what everyone said."
He unfortunately does not think highly of my involvement here, so I often times steal credit for all of your ideas in order to avoid drama. Little does he know F14 is a part of my life I value more greatly than most of my IRL friends some most days.
Thank you all for your incredibly heartfelt responses. Especially mamosey - I know you've struggled with the default parent thing, thank you for offering your perspective. Hugs momma.
To kind of respond to everyone at once. Yes, I think he's struggling with depression. I can't imagine how low he must feel after being fired from not one, but two jobs in the span of a few months. Going through a major health scare with A, and now this rejection. How do I get a man who refuses to talk about his feelings to seek counseling though? We have the benefits through my work, it's not out of the question. I can hardly get him to go to the doctor when he's sick though, more or less seek the gentle ear of a therapist.
I'm mad that no one has a magic fix though! Because right now, A has been screaming for nearly 3 solid hours while I'm at work. He won't let anyone come over to help console A - and I'm faced with either knowing my son is going to spend the better part of 10+ hours screaming his head off, or leaving work... again.
I am glad to know that we're not the only ones who have experienced this, and I'm glad to know it's pretty normal and it passes, eventually. I really think @elf828 touched on a lot of the deeper issues though. There's so much more going on here than 'desperation' anxiety. He likes the daycare ladies though, and that's probably the worst part of all. It "proves" that its just him.
I've been texting him this morning, and he's definitely depressed about everything. I brought up talking to someone and he didn't say anything about it. He's convinced that A hates him and only him, and how would anyone at a job like him if his own kid doesn't even want to be around him.
This is breaking my heart today. I have a feeling I'm not going to make it at work all day.
I feel so, so bad for you all.
He clearly isn't thinking about this rationally. A doesn't hate him, and it's a phase, but nothing you say right now will convince him. Having been there myself, you can't convince someone who is struggling that their concern is invalid.
Can I PM you on Facebook? I'm hearing echoes of my horrific PPD from Ds in all you write about him, but I don't want to share everything here.
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