Unenthusiastic DH

[miggg]

Anyone else's partner a little lukewarm about the whole pregnancy thing? Advice for how to proceed?

His response to my BFP: "Oh. Huh. Maybe... maybe it's a false positive because of your thyroid medication?"

Not the reaction I was hoping for.

I think he's really stressed about the financial and emotional strain he sees coming with a second kid. The first has been high-needs pretty much from conception. Had to be held/carried for the first 6 months straight basically, still wakes up every 1-3 hours each night etc. We were very much trying for #2 but I think he thought it would take a lot longer since it took awhile with DS and my longest PP LP had been 8 days.

At first I thought maybe I should try not to talk about it too much, let him adjust to the idea? Or maybe that's the exact wrong approach...?

I know he'll get excited once we hear the hearbeat/have an ultrasound etc. but it just kind of sucks in the meantime because I'm so excited and I wish he was.

[peachesncream]

It's a pretty typical reaction I think. My DH didn't really "get" it until she was born. He was excited I think but he was sort of lukewarm until she was here. It is hard for them to not be involved or experience the feeling of "hey, there IS something in my uterus!". Or maybe he's just being cautious and guarding himself until you reach that heartbeat/ultrasound milestone.

[rlpointer86]

I agree. Although my husband was excited with my first and this pregnancy, he doesn't get as excited as I do. I could talk about baby things all the time and he often has no opinion which gets frustrated. But as soon as my daughter was born he connected and loved her immediately. He just doesn't get the connection until after the baby is born so its hard to get as excited.

[Deleted]

I've heard it takes longer for the partner to get as excited because they're not feeling the same things we are feeling and there is no noticeable difference in our bodies yet. A book I'm reading right now says they usually get more into the pregnancy at 20ish weeks.

Do you think he's just so excited about it that he's scared of it not being true? That could be another reason for that response? Too good to be true?

How did he react to your first pregnancy?

I'm sorry you're going through this. Doubt is the last thing any of us needs right now.

[kendraj426]

My DH has been much more lukewarm than I had hoped for/expected as well. I asked him about it, and for him he's just a lot more stressed about it this time. With our first, we had NO IDEA what we were getting into. And the sleep deprivation really took a toll on me. So, he knows that like is gonna kinda suck for the first few months, and we have a toddler to add to the stress. Plus, he's way more worried about finances this time around. Not sure why. So, his stress is making his less than enthusiastic about it.

Basically what I'm doing is trying to talk to him about what is stressing him out, and seeing if there is anything I can do to help him de-stress or get things off his plate if needed. And then I just let him deal with things in his own way. The other night he patted my belly and referred to the little one growing in there. He's starting to come around, but he's still super stressed.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this and I hope he comes around quickly!

[miggg]

Jul 1, 2015 11:35:41 GMT -5 @pugsandwine said:

I've heard it takes longer for the partner to get as excited because they're not feeling the same things we are feeling and there is no noticeable difference in our bodies yet. A book I'm reading right now says they usually get more into the pregnancy at 20ish weeks.

Do you think he's just so excited about it that he's scared of it not being true? That could be another reason for that response? Too good to be true?

How did he react to your first pregnancy?

I'm sorry you're going through this. Doubt is the last thing any of us needs right now.

With DS it was this big, exciting moment - I had a onesie ready to announce to him with a little saying and we hugged and kissed and went out to dinner to celebrate. So I think part of the reason that I feel a little down about his reaction is that I feel this sense of...guilt for baby #2. I feel like he or she deserves the same excitement that #1 got. Not that they'll ever know though so I know that's silly.

And I think he's a little scared of it being true and a little scared of it not being true. And having a hard time believing it. I remember on our way to my parents' house to announce my pregnancy with DS he asked me like ten times if I was "sure" that I was pregnant. He just could not wrap his head around there being a little human growing in my ute without any outward signs. And actually it's hard for me to wrap my head around at this stage too but I guess I trust my FF chart and the 3,492 positive pee sticks more than he does.

 

[miggg]

Jul 1, 2015 11:52:03 GMT -5 kendraj426 said:

My DH has been much more lukewarm than I had hoped for/expected as well. I asked him about it, and for him he's just a lot more stressed about it this time. With our first, we had NO IDEA what we were getting into. And the sleep deprivation really took a toll on me. So, he knows that like is gonna kinda suck for the first few months, and we have a toddler to add to the stress. Plus, he's way more worried about finances this time around. Not sure why. So, his stress is making his less than enthusiastic about it.

Sounds exactly like us which is probably why he was more excited the first time around - he didn't know yet what he was in for! The sleep deprivation and the stress of a very demanding child have taken a toll on both of us but I tend to handle stress a little better I think. Plus daycare costs in my area are astronomical so I think he gets stressed about that a lot, especially when he talks to his friends back home who are paying a fraction of that.

Thanks ladies - I feel better now that I'm remembering that it's a common reaction and no reflection on his future relationship with LO. In some ways I almost envy him as I wish I could distance myself a little bit emotionally. I'm already so attached to this little cluster of cells so spend way too much time worrying!

[arbe]

He's a guy, guys are lukewarm when it comes to feelings stuff. Now if he's upset about it thats another story but we all come here so we can have someone to "sqeeee" with hubbys are great but they don't really care about the same things we do. Unless its really bad I would let him be, he's just processing things.
DH wants #3 so bad but since we found out he's been losing sleep, he worries about money mostly but when I ask him he knows everything will work out it. Just give him time.

[kendraj426]

Jul 1, 2015 13:00:53 GMT -5 arbe said:

He's a guy, guys are lukewarm when it comes to feelings stuff. Now if he's upset about it thats another story but we all come here so we can have someone to "sqeeee" with hubbys are great but they don't really care about the same things we do. Unless its really bad I would let him be, he's just processing things.
DH wants #3 so bad but since we found out he's been losing sleep, he worries about money mostly but when I ask him he knows everything will work out it. Just give him time.

This is so true! I remember even with DD when I first told DH, he was all like 'All Right. We're having a baby. What do you want to watch on Netflix tonight?' I had to rein myself in a lot cause all I wanted to talk about was baby, and he didn't care about a lot of the stuff I did. He cared about the big stuff, but not much of the little stuff. Guys just process things differently.

[mrspearl]

DH was excited, but not as much as I thought, considering how long we tried for a baby. I think he doesn't quite believe it yet, since there are no real signs and we did try for so long.

[OrganicRosemary]

Yeah, DH had that reaction with #1 as she was a surprise. And he was in grad school and stressed out from that too. He was excited and we both always wanted kids it was just a little earlier than expected and stressful. This time we were "trying" and he was happy/excited when I told him, but he's not exactly jumping up and down to talk about double strollers or a new camera for our video monitor. He's happy, but I think announcing a new baby can be a little difficult for guys to process. He'll come around, like the others have said, once you hear a heartbeat, have an ultrasound, start showing, feeling movements it'll get easier for him to feel like it's real and get excited.