WWM16D: Mom Announced For Me

[miggg]

TL;DR My mom told my brother I'm pregnant. I hadn't planned on telling brother & SIL yet and planned to do it in-person. I'm confused and disappointed. Do I address this with my mom or let it be? Would you be upset if your parent announced for you?

Last night I got a strange text from my brother and SIL congratulating me on my pregnancy. Strange because.. I hadn't told them yet! I had planned to tell them in-person after 1st tri. It appears that my mom texted him last night and told him. I'm completely baffled and disappointed. I don't know why she would do that and I can't decide if I should talk to her about it or just let it be. As with all family conundrums, this one is complicated by several factors:

- I have a good relationship with my mom and brother

- My mom and brother's relationship is strained due to mom's conflict with SIL

- I didn't ask for details on the "announcement" from my brother & SIL as I didn't want to appear upset about it lest they have another reason to be mad at my mom

- But I think they are already upset at my mom for spilling the beans because they knew I'd want to tell them myself

- But this pregnancy isn't a huge shock or anything considering everyone knew we wanted two close in age

- My mom had surgery a few weeks ago so may have been loopy on pain pills when she told him

- It's possible it came up in conversation and she didn't realize that I hadn't told them yet (again I didn't ask for specifics so I'm not sure how it came up)

Bottom line: I don't want to cause more family drama but I'm a little disappointed and a lot confused over why she announced for me. Halp.

[peachesncream]

Yes, I would address it and yes, I would be upset. I found that as I told friends and family members, I had to explicitly tell them whom not to tell. I would tell her you had planned on telling them yourself and you are worried they might be hurt they didn't hear it from you first. I would also ask her not to tell anyone else until whatever milestone you decide to out yourself to the world. I would also address it with brother and SIL, just a simple "I'm sorry you had to hear it that way, I was looking forward to telling you myself!"

[LadyNymeria]

I would be pissed and would definitely bring it up with my mom. It's one of the reasons we're not even telling parents until we're ready for everyone to know because I know my mom won't be able to keep her mouth shut once we tell her.

I would try to approach the discussion calmly, but I would certainly talk to her about it. Let her know that you understand she's excited but that you and YH have decided not to tell many people until 1st tri is over and that you would appreciate her letting you be the one to spread the news. I would flat out tell her that you will give her the ok once it's ok to start telling other people.

[arbe]

I dont see how telling your mom how you feel would cause family drama, just say I wish you wouldn't tell anyone until I'm ready.

But I'm with LadyNymeria, I know my mom and I'm not telling her for a while.

[miggg]

Jul 13, 2015 10:01:12 GMT -5 arbe said:

I dont see how telling your mom how you feel would cause family drama, just say I wish you wouldn't tell anyone until I'm ready.

But I'm with LadyNymeria, I know my mom and I'm not telling her for a while.

She's between two serious surgeries at the moment and essentially bedridden so she's pretty stressed out and sensitive right now. I should have mentioned that. I guess I don't want to do anything to upset her or make her feel like she's getting called out.  And I definitely don't want to cause any more tension between her and SIL who is the one who texted me telling me that my mom told them. I could see her getting upset at SIL for texting me if she gets defensive about it. Middle child syndrome I guess, I just want everyone to get along.

I definitely don't want her to tell anyone else though so I supposed I should probably at least touch base with her on that.

[jewel441]

I would definitely say something to your brother, just like peachesncream said, "hey, sorry you found out like this, we were really looking forward to telling you ourselves. I am glad you know, but please keep this to yourself until whatever date."

As for your mom, I would definitely say something, but I wouldn't be aggressive about it, I mean what's done is done and fighting isn't going to change that. Maybe just, We really wanted to tell them ourselves and please don't say anything else to anyone until whatever.

That sucks. Family drama is always tough, but also it's your pregnancy you want to announce it yourself!

[LadyNymeria]

Jul 13, 2015 10:08:36 GMT -5 miggg said:

Jul 13, 2015 10:01:12 GMT -5 arbe said:

I dont see how telling your mom how you feel would cause family drama, just say I wish you wouldn't tell anyone until I'm ready.

But I'm with LadyNymeria, I know my mom and I'm not telling her for a while.

She's between two serious surgeries at the moment and essentially bedridden so she's pretty stressed out and sensitive right now. I should have mentioned that. I guess I don't want to do anything to upset her or make her feel like she's getting called out.  And I definitely don't want to cause any more tension between her and SIL who is the one who texted me telling me that my mom told them. I could see her getting upset at SIL for texting me if she gets defensive about it. Middle child syndrome I guess, I just want everyone to get along.

I definitely don't want her to tell anyone else though so I supposed I should probably at least touch base with her on that.

I understand not wanting to stress her out while she's dealing with medical issues, but if you don't want her to tell anyone else definitely talk to her. I would hope she would take it calmly if you just ask her to not tell anyone else and that you'd appreciate her leaving it up to you to tell people. 

[nexttonormal]

If it's upsetting you, you should definitely talk to her. Especially if you think she might spill the beans to others.

Pretty much everyone on both sides of my family knows.. And for some reason, I'm not upset. I would've been livid if it happened with my first 2, but maybe I'm just in a different mindset this time. I changed my FB settings so that I have to approve everything my friends write, before it's allowed on my wall, so I'm not concerned about it being public so to speak.

Sorry, got off on a tangent there haha. I hope your mom understands why you're upset and promises to keep her mouth shut.

[LadyNymeria]

Jul 13, 2015 10:01:12 GMT -5 arbe said:

I dont see how telling your mom how you feel would cause family drama, just say I wish you wouldn't tell anyone until I'm ready.

But I'm with LadyNymeria, I know my mom and I'm not telling her for a while.

I just imagine telling her but asking her not to tell anyone - she would literally turn around and find someone who she thought it would be ok to tell anyway because "they won't tell anyone else". I'm thinking of telling my best friend BEFORE I tell my mom because I'm so afraid of my mom telling the friends mom and the friend's mom telling the friend before I get to tell my BFF. Actually, when my BFF was pregnant she called to tell me as she was leaving her parents' house because she was afraid of the same thing happening in reverse!

The only people we have told is my really close friend who lives 6 hours away and a neighbor we've gotten to be really good friends with - neither of them know anyone in our families and they have proven they can keep secrets.

[rnmommy]

I'm sorry. Nobody in my family can keep a damn secret so I don't tell any of them until I'm ready for everyone to know.

[SnackieD]

I agree with what everyone else has suggested. I'd definitely talk to your mom, even if it is just to let her know that you would like to be the one to share the news with everyone else. Just tell her that you would appreciate if she wouldn't say anything to anyone else, since you aren't ready to share the news. When you are ready to share the news, you'd like to be the one to do it! After that, she can feel free to talk to anyone she wants about it.

It's tough because she is probably just really excited, but this is your news to share!

[chatterbox]

My MIL did the same thing with our first and my SIL did not handle it well. This time we're not telling my in-laws until 2nd trimester and we will just let them tell SIL. We never had a conversation with my MIL about it because she can be super sensitive and dramatic and we didn't want to deal with it.

[miggg]

Thanks for your perspective, ladies. I think I'll just bring it up casually when I talk to her this week. It just sucks because now I kind of regret telling her so early. But I know she would have been hurt to not be informed right away so I guess it's kind of a damned if you do, damned if you don't type situation.