I was pregnant too. (Bfp mentioned, not mine)

[mosdub]

I just found out one of my coworkers is pregnant. I am so happy for her and during the ensuing conversation I felt a mixture of emotions. I wouldn't say jealousy but definitely a feeling of longing.

I wanted to relate to her about my own pregnancy experiences but couldn't without first telling her I was pregnant and experienced a loss (she wasn't working with me when I went through my pregnancy and loss, and I have no living children).

I felt like it was inappropriate to tell her because as a newly pregnant woman I don't want to fill her head with ideas of loss anymore than it already is, but at the same time it was real. I was pregnant for 20 weeks. I know what morning sickness and cravings and food aversions and fatigue feel like. I know what it's like. I was pregnant once too, and I want to be able to talk about it.

I told her that the majority of pregnancies go as they should, despite my having a loss.

I don't know what the point of this post is except that I am finding it awkward and difficult to talk to newly pregnant people and share in experiences without feeling like a fucking rain cloud.

Is it okay to tell a newly pregnant woman about my loss so that I can share my advice about first tri? Or is that bad etiquette?

[NatalieDavid]

I want to know the answer to this as well so I will be lurking for posts.

[nikolie93]

I am finding it very difficult to respond to this because my thoughts are all over the place.

I am trying to tread lightly because I have never been in the situation where I was pregnant and someone was open to me about a loss. But after having multiple losses, I find it hard to NOT talk about it. And I don't want to hide it.

I am not sure if this is right or wrong but if I were you and you feel comfortable talking about your pregnancy experience, I say go for it. As a society we seem so quick to hide MC's and it shouldn't be that way. Women struggle with it every day...it's real and we shouldn't be scared to talk about it. I wouldn't dwell on the loss but if asked about it, I would say something.

Ugh, yet another shitty situation we find ourselves in. *hugs*

Edit: using correct words are hard! 

[Deleted]

I don't think there's a right or wrong answer to this. It depends on the day, how you're feeling, who you're talking to, and so many other unpredictable things. I'm of the opinion that just because you lost your child does not make the time you had with them any less valid. And I think you have every right to be able to commiserate and share experiences. You having a loss doesn't have any impact on their chance of a successful pregnancy. And, in a worst case scenario, they might not feel as alone if they know someone else who has been there.

But that's just me. I'm really open about my losses in general.

[zimni]

Jul 16, 2015 14:20:55 GMT -5 nikolie93 said:

I am finding it very difficult to respond to this because my thoughts are all over the place.

I am trying to tread lightly because I have never been in the situation where I was pregnant and someone was open to me about my loss. But after having multiple losses, I find it hard to NOT talk about it. And I don't want to hide it.

I am not sure if this is right or wrong but if I were you and you feel comfortable talking about your pregnancy experience, I say go for it. As a society we seem so quick to hide MC's and it shouldn't be that way. Women struggle with it every day...it's real and we shouldn't be scared to talk about it. I wouldn't dwell on the loss but if asked about it, I would say something.

Ugh, yet another shitty situation we find ourselves in. *hugs*

Gosh nikolie93, reading your response felt like my brain just shouted out "Ditto" in loop mode.

For me, being open about my losses is my way of remembering those angels, and though initially I would be very careful around people TTC or newly pregnant, I realised slowly that I only put too much pressure on myself in being delicate around their situation, while hiding the reality I was faced with. So now I try to be quite matter-of-factly about my situation whenever it comes up (if I get asked about having a baby or if a friend continuously shares her pregnancy updates with me) - it helps others in being careful about triggers that might affect me, and it helps me to interact with them a little more freely. 

That's my view on sharing loss news. As far as discussing pregnancy experience and advice, I would agree with Nikole93 and LED - it would depend on your comfort level. Though I haven't ever gotten so far along as 20 weeks, but hypothetically, I think I would not go out of my way to get involved in giving out advice, but that's how I try to stay sane dealing with my stuff! If it comes to it, I also not withhold my loss situation, only just for my peace of mind - so people know and try be sensitive to what I am dealing with.

Hugs to you, mosdub..it must be really difficult to face this situation daily, but please do whatever it takes to keep yourself calm and heal through with time. 

[fionnathehuman]

Jul 16, 2015 13:42:48 GMT -5 NatalieDavid said:

I want to know the answer to this as well so I will be lurking for posts.

2... I will also be lurking.

[mosdub]

Thank you all for the responses. I was in an emotional place when I originally posted this and when I saw several of you replied I was nervous that I wrote something bad or insensitive.

Currently I'm kind of dancing the line. After I told her about my pregnancy and loss I haven't brought up the loss at all - just the pregnancy itself. For example she mentioned that nothing sounded good to eat so I suggested a couple of things that worked for me when I had food aversions. She seems to be open and appreciative. I definitely am not the one bringing it up; I only participate and offer my experience/advice/knowledge as the conversation progresses.

I agree with you all that completely shutting it out like it never happened isn't the answer but it definitely depends on the who/where/how of the situation as far as how much to go into it or what to bring up I guess. There probably isn't a completely "right" way of going about it.

[vancitygirl]

This is such a great question. I stopped posting and reading on forums for a while so I'm not in the loop lately. I have a friend who i used to work with and she doesn't know we got pregnant at the same time and she's got the same due date I had...but I'm obviously not pregnant anymore and I don't know how to share this with her either. It's a shitty situation I wish everyone was just open about miscarriage it would make it all less awkward.

[mosdub]

Jul 22, 2015 17:21:37 GMT -5 vancitygirl said:

This is such a great question. I stopped posting and reading on forums for a while so I'm not in the loop lately. I have a friend who i used to work with and she doesn't know we got pregnant at the same time and she's got the same due date I had...but I'm obviously not pregnant anymore and I don't know how to share this with her either. It's a shitty situation I wish everyone was just open about miscarriage it would make it all less awkward.

This SAME thing happened.  Another woman I worked with (I don't see her much as she works on a different site) had a due date only a couple weeks off from mine.  I ended up telling my boss via text and trusted she would pass along the word.  I figured it would be better coming from someone else - but I don't think that is an etiquette thing it's just something that felt right to me in that moment.

I told an extended friend on facebook who was only a few weeks behind me and I never told her.  I can only imagine she connected the dots when I didn't post my 20 week appointment update :/  
 
ETA:  I am so sorry for your loss. 

[cabgirl]

mosdub, I think it's wonderful that you're giving so much thought to how she might feel. It's a good question. I think so much of it depends on what her pregnancy experience has been like for her thus far, and on how you feel about discussing your own pregnancy. If you'd be comfortable, maybe you could just ask her how she feels about it? You could tell her that you can relate to much of what she's going through, but are worried that sharing your own experiences might make her anxious. That would clear the way for you to have conversations about her pregnancy in the future without having to worry about saying the wrong thing. It's also possible that she feels worried about upsetting you, too, and if that's the case, you'd be giving her an opening to express that.

Also, hugs to you. It's a hard situation to be in, and I really commend you for considering her feelings so deeply.

[mosdub]

Thank you cabgirl

[cabgirl]

Jul 24, 2015 17:14:26 GMT -5 mosdub said:

Thank you cabgirl