Intro...I think

[murrt]

Hi all,

I think I go here now if you'll have me.

I'm a regular on 3T/IF and then on PAIF before our loss. DH and I have an infertility diagnosis of MFI and after three failed IUIs we tried IVF with success. I was 17 weeks when we lost our little one three and a half weeks ago.

Reading your stories, I'm heartbroken for all of you. I'm not sure if my loss was late enough to belong here, but the miscarriage board doesn't feel right either. We were in the second trimester. Our baby was making faces at us in the ultrasound and we were finally at the point where we were comfortable and confident in our pregnancy. We chose to not find out the sex or name our child thinking that would be easier on us. The wondering is hard, but I think choosing differently would be harder on us.

 I've never felt closer to my husband, but he is not coping well. He's drinking a ton and realizing it's not healthy. He goes to his appointment with his therapist today and I've been doing EFT therapy for two weeks. We're both a wreck, but trying to get through. I'm exhausted from not sleeping well, crying too much and can't seem to care about work.

We have decided we want to try to conceive again, but we're waiting a while until we feel stronger.

My Dad's birthday is today. He died suddenly 6 years ago. I keep picturing him holding and playing with my baby and while it makes me happy, it's so sad too.

Thanks for having me. Sorry that was long and rambling, but it was really helpful to get it out.

[NariaDreaming]

::::dirty lurking::::


Oh murrt, I've been wondering how you are holding up. I've been thinking of you so much. I also lost my father, and I know how hard birthdays are. continue to be kind to yourself, and know that you've got a lot of ladies thinking of you and sending prayers, positive energy, and juju your way.

[heartpresidents]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Please remember that it hasn't even been 4 weeks since you lost your little one. Don't be too hard on yourself or expect too much of yourself. Work will get better, and life will become more doable. In time.

I'm also sorry to hear your husband is struggling with alcohol along with your loss. My husband did the same thing and has struggled on and off with his alcohol coping mechanism since, until he finally realized he had a real problem and had to give up alcohol entirely. It's a tough road, but we'll all be here for you and sending hugs your way.

[flutterfly88]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I want to respond more, but have to get back to work. I will come back later, but for now just wanted to say that you are welcome here (as sad as I am to have to welcome you).

ETA: as heartpresidents said, it has only been a few short weeks. Allow yourself the time to grieve your loss. The crying and the sleepless nights are normal. Take each day as it comes. You will get through this. I have no advice about your husband, but I'm glad that he is seeing a therapist. I hope it goes well for him.

Sending you many ((((hugs)))). And wanted to say that though our board is quite slow at times, there are many wonderful ladies here who will be there when needed. Keep reaching out if and when you need support or a listening ear.

This article was shared back on td, and I wanted to pass it along. It's an emotional read, but it really hit home with me. I hope it helps you too.

stillstandingmag.com/2013/06/why-you-didnt-fail-as-a-mother/

[shandorfml2]

murrt, So sad to have to welcome you here. I am so sorry for your loss... ((hugs))

[happyin14]

murrt - I am so sorry you are here but yes, you are very welcome.

We lost my MIL and FIL at the same time we lost our son. And I have days when it gives me great comfort to know they are watching over my boy. And then days when it feel like everyone is somewhere else and it breaks my heart.

Also, MH had a rough response as well. He had probably 3 bourbons/night to help sleep for a time. He knew what he was doing and we kept each other in check. But he did need it. I know how this all sounds but I don't care. Anyway - it lasted about 6 months. And he snapped out of it. I feel like if he's talking to you about it and open, let him have some time. As long as he realizes it's a crutch and can't be permanent.

I probably sound like I am encouraging alcoholism... I'm not at all.

[stefuge]

I am so sorry for your loss. No one wants to join this group and I'm so sorry you find yourself here. This board can be slower than others, but these ladies have been an amazing support to me after the loss of our son, and we are here for you whenever you need us. ((Hugs))

[murrt]

Thank you for the support everyone.

heartpresidents, happyin14, DH is drinking to cope mainly because he doesn't have any other way. He does know it's a problem and he needs to find a different coping mechanism but he needs to learn one first....hence therapy. Either his drinking will be curbed as he learns a different way of healing, or he'll figure out he needs to stop altogether, but he'll figure it out I think...I hope. He's a truly wonderful man, he just needs to be healthier with this.

flutterfly88,Typical of me, I'm inpatient and am trying to rush the healing process like I rush everything else. Thanks for encouraging me to slow down

As always NariaDreaming , thanks for being so supportive.

[wrenofthesea]

I am so sorry for your loss. Continue to be kind to yourself- grief follows no timeline and doesn't know any timeframe. My H also had a really hard time coping after and got into some unhealthy habits for awhile. It is so hard, no one is ever prepared to deal with losing their child- you all are in my thoughts

[mrswheelo]

I'm so sorry. I went through waves of grief for months. Some days I would feel so strong and so healed, only to crash later feeling horrible all over again.

Being open with YH & vice versa will help you both heal together. Please be patient when thinking of conceiving again. My dr benched me for 3 cycles. But, emotionally, my advice is to wait to try again until you fully understand and accept that the next baby you conceive will never be the baby you lost. That was the hardest part for me. After my loss, I didn't want "another" baby. I wanted the ones I lost.

Your loss is so fresh. Be kind to yourself and don't push too hard for things to be "normal". It takes time to recover.

[murrt]

Thanks mrswheelo,

My main challenge with wanted to get pregnant again is that I hear the clock ticking LOUDLY. Knowing it took us a year and a half and going through IVF which takes a long time in itself to get pregnant and knowing that could happen again (and I'm 38 years old now) makes me scared. We wanted to have more than one child, now we feel like if we have one healthy child we'll be happy, but we're also recognizing we may have to grieve the concept of having siblings for our little one. Time is not on our side. This is the main reason we feel like we don't have the luxury of waiting. I wish we did.

Secondly, I feel like if I'm pregnant during my due date, it'll be a LITTLE bit easier to handle not having my LO to hold during that time. Does that make sense?

In other news, it's very early, but DH went to a therapist twice this week and he seems to be doing well...much better this week than last. He's doing some sort of therapy using eye movements that tends to be good for people with trauma. A lot of people with PTSD use it. DH and I will probably go to someone together for traditional talk therapy after we get out of this step.

I realized this week it's going to be a long road.

[happyin14]

Jul 26, 2015 13:34:20 GMT -5 murrt said:

Thanks mrswheelo,

My main challenge with wanted to get pregnant again is that I hear the clock ticking LOUDLY. Knowing it took us a year and a half and going through IVF which takes a long time in itself to get pregnant and knowing that could happen again (and I'm 38 years old now) makes me scared. We wanted to have more than one child, now we feel like if we have one healthy child we'll be happy, but we're also recognizing we may have to grieve the concept of having siblings for our little one. Time is not on our side. This is the main reason we feel like we don't have the luxury of waiting. I wish we did.

Secondly, I feel like if I'm pregnant during my due date, it'll be a LITTLE bit easier to handle not having my LO to hold during that time. Does that make sense?

In other news, it's very early, but DH went to a therapist twice this week and he seems to be doing well...much better this week than last. He's doing some sort of therapy using eye movements that tends to be good for people with trauma. A lot of people with PTSD use it. DH and I will probably go to someone together for traditional talk therapy after we get out of this step.

I realized this week it's going to be a long road.

It is a long road and it's never really over. But things shift and change.

I can share that I got pregnant pretty quickly after we lost Jack- and that ended in miscarriage. Which isn't really relevant but, thought I should say that. Anyway, it felt good to be pregnant (and then subsequently in my pregnancy that gave me my rainbow). We had also always planned on siblings and so I never saw it as a replacement. It was just the right time for kid #2... Even though the timing was right for totally new reasons.

I am also wondering about a third kid - because we wanted the sibling thing. And that will be a child that we probably wouldn't have had... But I will deal with that when the time comes. For now, I have been very comforted by knowing this is Jack's brother and part of the family that came before him.

I'm not sure if this makes sense. I guess I am just saying that I was able to grieve Jack and be pregnant. And one doesn't cancel the other. And, it helped me have something to look forward to. It wasn't as easy as being pregnant with Jack- unaware of loss this intense. But, it was okay.

[sandandsea110]

Im a little late to this (just "rejoined" today) but I am so sorry for your loss. When we lost our boys, I found comfort in knowing they were with family who passed before them but I understand how awful it is at the same time to think of everyone you have lost. Thinking of you and your family.

[littleowl913]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm so glad to hear YH is doing well in therapy and that you plan to go with him.