How can I help someone in this situation?

[ace226]

So, in the past week a family in my church has unexpectedly lost their three month old. I want to help so badly and I feel at a loss. I'm helping with their funeral luncheon but I won't be attending, because DS would have to come with me, and I assume it would be hard on them to see a baby so close to the same age.
I just feel at a loss for words/actions.

I hope this is okay to ask.. Any advice?

[stefuge]

This is so thoughtful for you to be concerned for them and to want to help. One of the most helpful things people did after we lost our son was to bring food. It's a simple thing, but we had no desire to even think about it. Setting up a schedule of people who could bring meals, for the next few weeks would very likely help. We had a friend who did that for us and she had the meals delivered to her and then she would drop them off so we weren't forced to talk to people if we didn't feel up to it. It's hard to tell and re-tell the story and be polite. Also, as time passes, remember them. Send a card letting them know you are thinking of them. Remember milestones and special dates and anniversaries. If you are close enough with the family, call or text, just letting them know you are thinking of them and are free to talk if they want. And if they do talk, try to just listen. They don't need advise, they don't need cliches, they just need someone to listen and to know their baby won't be forgotten. Also, don't send flowers. They just die and it is depressing.

[mommytoava]

I second bringing food. I'm at almost a year and I still rarely cook, I just don't have it in me. Just be there to listen, especially if your friend just needs to cry.

[ace226]

Thank you guys! I don't know them very well at all but my heart just goes out to them (and you all!)
The cliches are the thing I was concerned about with talking to them in particular; thank you for addressing that. I know the old platitudes given can be so dismissive and unhelpful, and yet I can understand the yearning to say something positive. I suppose it's one of those, actions > words situations, yes?
I think I'll definitely do food:) other church members did meals this week but maybe I'll drop by a freezer meal or two when DH can watch DS.

[dadalou]

Food is a great idea. It really is very helpful. Cooking is about the last thing you want to think about.

If you want to say something, a simple I'm sorry for your loss is enough. Also please don't avoid them in the future. Talk to them. Ask how they are doing and listen to them. Talk about their baby. That might make them sad, but it really is ok. We still love to talk about our kids even though they aren't with us any more.

[ace226]

Jul 24, 2015 22:48:55 GMT -5 dadalou said:

Food is a great idea. It really is very helpful. Cooking is about the last thing you want to think about.

If you want to say something, a simple I'm sorry for your loss is enough. Also please don't avoid them in the future. Talk to them. Ask how they are doing and listen to them. Talk about their baby. That might make them sad, but it really is ok. We still love to talk about our kids even though they aren't with us any more.

That's so good to know. I definitely will!!

Thank you everyone for your responses!

[happyin14]

I second the "don't avoid them" thing. It's isolating and because no one knows the "perfect" thing to do or say, people tend to stay away. For me, I'd rather someone maybe say a weird thing or whatever than ignore me...

Think about events/holidays that would be hard... A friend sent me a gift certificate to go out to dinner on Halloween... So that I didn't have to stay home for Trick o' Treaters. Things like that. Maybe wait and send food in 6 weeks or something. When things start to get quiet.