In Law Issue--NPR

[mrstwiddy]

My daughter is turning 2 in February and I sent a 'save the date' on Facebook for the day of her party because I know how busy everyone is--I obviously included my in-laws (her grandparents) on this.

So I sent the invites out and I get this text from my mother in law:

"Hey dear, got the cute birthday party invitation today. We will not be able to make the trip up. Have fun."

I was stunned, so I texted back and said "Oh that's a shame. Sorry you can't make it--did y'all already have something planned for that day?"  to which she responded "Yes dear. So sorry. We look forward to seeing some pictures though."

So two things--I'm not even sure I believe her, because I gave her the "out" of having plans. I think if they honestly had something going on she would have led with that. Secondly, every time we DO see them she complains that they are strangers to her and she doesn't even know them, yet they wouldn't come to the one event a YEAR we have to celebrate her? 

I feel like I've really tried to foster a relationship between my daughter and this set of in laws, but damn. They've seen her in person like 5 times since she's been born. I just feel like they don't even give a shit.

I guess I'm just venting because I'm not sure there's anything I can do and I feel like if I push the issue more it will just get more awkward. Any second time moms have in laws (or even parents) that only want to be grandparents when it's convenient for them??? Any advice on how to deal with them?

[emilyanimals15]

Ugh no advice but I have a few friends who have this situation. They don't say bad things about said grandparents but try to minimize exposure. Their kids have picked up on their own that this isn't how grandparents should behave.

[robotpcr]

Jan 25, 2015 12:24:15 GMT -5 emilyanimals15 said:

Ugh no advice but I have a few friends who have this situation. They don't say bad things about said grandparents but try to minimize exposure. Their kids have picked up on their own that this isn't how grandparents should behave.

Yeah, this exactly.  I'm a FTM but my dad's parents (especially his mom) really were not that interested in us. They had an amazing relationship with my aunt's kids though.  My mom tried to foster what relationship she could (as it sounds like you are) and left it at that.  I figured out that they were just kind of shitty and it never really hurt my feelings or anything.  It was their loss.

I already know we're going to have this issue with FIL and his wife.  I'm going to try for that reason to make sure my kids are really connected to their other grandparents.  I think if you don't make it a big deal it won't be.

[mayflowers]

No advice, I'm scared I'm going to have the opposite problem. I'm sorry they're not around as much as you'd like.

[veenie]

What does your H say about it? Maybe they just aren't a close family? I think as long as you can say you tried, they have to take ownership in meeting you half way. Not that they will, but you shouldn't/can't have guilt over it, kwim?

Sorry they are being crappy. I definitely feel our kid/s get the short end of the stick in the grandparents department. Both of my parents have passed away. We live about an hour from ILs. My one SIL lives 10 minutes from them, and they see them a lot. The other SIL is a single mom that needs/gets a lot of help from them. So I feel like we are just here.

[amelandre]

This is exactly how my husband's paternal grandparents have been his entire life. Except they probably wouldn't even have bothered with a response. It seems like as soon as my FIL moved out of their house they couldn't have cared less about him. They moved to California with his younger brother very shortly after MIL and FIL's wedding, didn't bother visiting after any of the kids were born, nor did they invite them to come visit. My husband has seen them 4 times his entire life, the last of which when he was 13, and he is now 26. We sent them a wedding invite and a birth announcement and heard nothing back from them. They are just weird, grouchy people, and I'm very glad that FIL doesn't take after them at all.

My advice is, let them be as involved as they want to be. Hopefully they'll realize sooner rather than later how badly they are messing up.

[mrstwiddy]

Jan 25, 2015 12:40:40 GMT -5 veenie said:

What does your H say about it? Maybe they just aren't a close family? I think as long as you can say you tried, they have to take ownership in meeting you half way. Not that they will, but you shouldn't/can't have guilt over it, kwim?

Sorry they are being crappy. I definitely feel our kid/s get the short end of the stick in the grandparents department. Both of my parents have passed away. We live about an hour from ILs. My one SIL lives 10 minutes from them, and they see them a lot. The other SIL is a single mom that needs/gets a lot of help from them. So I feel like we are just here.

My husband avoids conflict at all cost. His parents divorced when he was 8, and he saw his Dad a good bit right after but it decreased over the years to the point where they barely have a relationship. We've been married for 10 years and I have pushed him to be closer to his Dad because I feel like a lot of the distance was created by his Mom (that is a WHOLE other can of worms for another day  ) and I feel like they're closer than they were.

I suggested he call his Dad and see what was what this morning and he was like "Yeah, because THAT won't be awkward." And his Dad is the same way so I feel like it would be a lot of hemming and hawing with no resolution. Besides, do I want to GUILT them into being there? No, of course not. I want them to love my daughter and be in her life like normal grandparents. Ugh. 

I am so sorry your parents have passed away--and I am super bratty because all of our parents are divorced and remarried so my daughter is swimming in grandparents, most of whom are involved in her life. It's just these two that can't be bothered. 

Thank you so much to everyone for your kind words--I think this is the first post I've created vs just commenting on other people's and I was super nervous. LOL I guess I'll just let it lie and try not to worry about it. My issue with these things is I tend to blame myself and feel like I've done something wrong to make people mad vs just realizing they're self-absorbed and can't be bothered.

Again, thank you!

[willadiesel814]

This is how my DH parents are. To the point that now that DS is almost 3 he actually calls them his "new grandma" and grandpa because he doesn't see them enough to remember them. I tried reaching out for the first few years and then got tired of it. I am just thankful for my parents and how involved they are.

[Deleted]

I'm very non chalant about these things. I'll invite you my child's bday and if you make great and if you don't that's fine too. It not about them it's about your daughter. I know it can be upsetting but only if you allow it to be.

Edit: ughh typos

[veenie]

mrstwiddy, I understand where you are coming from. If your family is close and all of your parents are involved it makes it even harder to understand.

I am all about taking ownership in what I can control. It takes a lot of practice to not let it bother you. But, like you said, you don't want to guilt them into it, so it might be your only choice.

Hopefully they will come around and join you guys!

[mrstwiddy]

@ajzmommy I think I would feel differently if they were otherwise involved, but they're not. If she saw them regularly, and they honestly just couldn't make this party it would be one thing, but like I said they never make an effort and this is like ONE TIME a year where it's "expected" for them to show up and they're not. I know my daughter won't remember it--she doesn't even know who the hell they are....but if they continue not to show up and participate, she'll never know them and yes, that makes me sad.

And like I said it irks me even worse because my mil is all "oh we're strangers to her." I wonder why!!

[Deleted]

I've stopped trying (for the most part) to ensure that my kids have a good relationship with my parents.  They live 10hr away now (and will be probably a 2 day drive when we move in a few months).  They send obligatory birthday and Christmas cards (and presents) but never initiate conversation with me (or them), etc.  When we talk it is because I have contacted them.  And when they DO visit I have to flat out ask my parents to do X, Y, Z with the kids. I've had a lengthy discussion with my father about this (and he is more involved then my mom).  Now, I can't complain too much because they do visit us 2x per year (birthdays) and my mom was making their birthday cakes (she only does it for the first 5 years so I'm not sure I can rope anymore cakes from her at this point since DS2 just turned 5 in October).  I've basically learned that my parents show their love by gifts (the cards, cake) and really a 10hr drive sucks no matter how you look at it.  I've learned to basically accept that and to stop expecting and wanting more.  The way they are with my kids is pretty much how I remember them with me and my brothers growing up (there but not necessarily involved) so I'm not sure why I was expecting more then that. 

At some point you will just have to learn to accept what they WILL offer even if it isn't much.  Only you can determine how much effort (and resulting disappointment) you want to put in in regards to there being a relationship. 

[mrstwiddy]

Very good point @maxandruby . It appears this is how my husband's dad was with him growing up (even though, like I said, I've always blamed that on his mom.) I feel like they're just selfish and very into themselves and again, they like being grandparents as long as it's convenient. I can only expect so much. I just know this year we went out of our way to connect with them at Christmas and drove 4 hours round trip so they could see my daughter. Don't think we'll be doing that again this year--especially with 2 kids. If they want to see them, they can drive up here (or at the very least, meet us somewhere.)

[amylee545]

My sister has this exact problem with her ILs. My nieces are 5 now, and when my sister was first pregnant with them, her MIL would talk it up ALL the time about how excited she was to be a grandmother and to spoil them and take them here, there, and everywhere. Well, once they were born, it was a complete different story. They live maybe 10 minutes down the street from her, but are so absent in my nieces lives. Yet they complain all the time about how they're "strangers". It used to really really really bother and upset my sister, especially since she had the expectation that she was going to be a very involved grandmother with the way she was talking. But now she has lowered her expectations so she's not disappointed. Her ILs always go to birthday parties and whatnot, but its the every-day stuff they suck at and have completely taken a back seat on.

Sorry you're dealing with this. I know it can be a huge disappointment when you have a certain expectation of them and you're continuously let down.

[mrstwiddy]

Wow--yeah, it would be much worse if they lived 10 minutes away. They were always about an hour from us, but when my daughter was 6 months old they "retired" to this community that is like a 2 hour drive away. Not that grandchildren should make decisions on where you live....but I would think if you really wanted to be involved you probably wouldn't have moved FARTHER away. I don't know.

[Deleted]

The problem is that if they did live 10min away I seriously doubt they would put in more effort. There are just some grandparents out there who love the title of grandparent but don't have a desire to put forth the energy, time, and sacrifice to BEING a grandparent. Personally, I would not bend over backwards. They have shown you what they are willing to do. It has taken me a long time to get to the point of accepting what my parents can and will do but life is so much easier. Don't get me wrong. I still end up putting unknown expectations on them and do get annoyed and disappointed during their visits but that is on me and is my problem. It takes awhile to get there. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

[mpiemont]

Could your husband talk to them and say that he's really disappointed they won't be there, and ask what they have planned? How far away do they live?

[sunshyneshay]

Please don't take offense to this, but you say it bothers you that they say that they "are strangers to her, but have you ever pointed out to them that it is their fault it is like that? Maybe they are too oblivious to really realize it. i'm sure that kind of thing is hard to just come out and say but really how much could it hurt your relationship when you don't really have one with them to begin with? I would respond back to them something along the lines of "oh, and you wonder why she doesn't know who you are when you don't even make the effort to see her for her birthday..." but that is just me!

[scattered]

We kind of have a similar situation with my parents. Ours is complicated and I'm not super comfortable getting into all of it, but basically my parents only want to see my kids when they feel like it and then act all butthurt that DD doesn't know who they are. Honestly, just keep including them, keep that door open, and let your H deal with any fall out. They're his parents. He can deal.

[jesskr3]

My ex's mom is the same way. My daughter has no idea who she is. She only really acts concerned about one of her five soon to be six grandkids. I say don't stress it and If they want to be involved they will. Trying to force a relationship caused me more hurt and stress than it does my daughter not seeing her.

[lupineaura]

I think you've done the best you can, and at this point I would just leave it alone. Making it into a bigger deal or fostering conflict won't do anything to help your daughter's relationship with her grandparents. Don't let it damper your party :-)

[angelasashes]

Jan 25, 2015 12:31:35 GMT -5 mayflowers said:

No advice, I'm scared I'm going to have the opposite problem. I'm sorry they're not around as much as you'd like.

I'm in this boat, too! I WISH my in-laws would give a little space!

[mrstwiddy]

Thank you everyone for your responses....and believe me sunshyneshay it is really hard for me to hold my tongue when they say stuff like that, and if were MY parents saying that I would let them have it. I guess I don't like to be as confrontational with my in-laws because I don't want to make things hard(er) for my husband.

I really appreciate the responses and advice. I've talked to MY mom about it (who knows the in-laws obviously) and she is worried that something is actually going on to prevent them from coming. (health? money? who knows?)

If that really is the case (which by the way I actually asked if everything was ok because I was so stunned that they wouldn't come I just figured something had to be wrong) I wish she would just tell me instead of making me feel like it's just not worth their time, but you can't make people disclose information that they're not willing to disclose....

[snapdragon]

Maybe they actually have plans? Maybe they don't feel like a party where they'll have to share with everyone else is going to be worth the drive? 2 hour drives can be hard for old people. I don't know, I don't see anything anger-worthy about this. Are they blaming you for not getting to see LO often or maybe just bemoaning the situation that they are so far away?

[mrstwiddy]

Jan 26, 2015 12:35:21 GMT -5 snapdragon said:

Maybe they actually have plans? Maybe they don't feel like a party where they'll have to share with everyone else is going to be worth the drive? 2 hour drives can be hard for old people. I don't know, I don't see anything anger-worthy about this. Are they blaming you for not getting to see LO often or maybe just bemoaning the situation that they are so far away?

Well, if they made any effort to reach out throughout the year and they just happened to not be able to make this it would be one thing. This is the one event during the year that is set up to celebrate this kid, so considering they don't come to visit for any other reason I would think this would be the perfect opportunity if in fact they want to be in her life.

IF they actually have something else that they had to do, that's one thing.....but if you read the original post I don't necessarily believe that to be the case. Last year they had something planned the same day as her party and they let me know that, but let me know they would try to work it out to be able to be there for part of it (which they did.)

I feel like there's two options here--either they just can't be bothered to make the trip, or something weird is honestly going on. It's worth noting that of all the grandparents, they are the most active and in shape--always traveling, golfing etc. Definitely not old, decrepit people.

I don't know who they "blame" for them not getting to see her. Like I said, they've just made the comment a couple times that she "doesn't know them."

They've seen her 5 times in her entire life (including the visit to the hospital when she was born) and up until last year they only lived about 45 minutes away.

[lgsdesigner]

I don't really have any in-laws (DH's mother has passed, and his dad lives states away and visits once a year), but my mother is very much like this. She only goes to things that are convenient for her, acts like she never sees her grandchildren (which is her fault, because I invite her to everything), and never comes to my house unless she absolutely has to (everyone must drive to see her).
That being said-- I know she still loves her grandkids very much. My mother's issue is she is just selfish.

All you can do in your situation is keep inviting them to things, but don't overdo it and don't let them visually see you upset.
Just enjoy your children the best you can, and if grandma comes around, she comes around. If not-- it's HER loss, not theirs. They have plenty of other people surrounding them in their lives that are there for them and care.

[snapdragon]

Jan 26, 2015 13:05:08 GMT -5 mrstwiddy said:

Jan 26, 2015 12:35:21 GMT -5 snapdragon said:

Maybe they actually have plans? Maybe they don't feel like a party where they'll have to share with everyone else is going to be worth the drive? 2 hour drives can be hard for old people. I don't know, I don't see anything anger-worthy about this. Are they blaming you for not getting to see LO often or maybe just bemoaning the situation that they are so far away?

Well, if they made any effort to reach out throughout the year and they just happened to not be able to make this it would be one thing. This is the one event during the year that is set up to celebrate this kid, so considering they don't come to visit for any other reason I would think this would be the perfect opportunity if in fact they want to be in her life.

IF they actually have something else that they had to do, that's one thing.....but if you read the original post I don't necessarily believe that to be the case. Last year they had something planned the same day as her party and they let me know that, but let me know they would try to work it out to be able to be there for part of it (which they did.)

I feel like there's two options here--either they just can't be bothered to make the trip, or something weird is honestly going on. It's worth noting that of all the grandparents, they are the most active and in shape--always traveling, golfing etc. Definitely not old, decrepit people.

I don't know who they "blame" for them not getting to see her. Like I said, they've just made the comment a couple times that she "doesn't know them."

They've seen her 5 times in her entire life (including the visit to the hospital when she was born) and up until last year they only lived about 45 minutes away.

I dunno, maybe because my grandparents didn't live that far but we only saw them a couple of times a year, this doesn't seem like a big deal to me. It's silly that they're complaining about being strangers if the option is open to them to visit more often, but I certainly wouldn't say that if they don't go to this party it means they don't want a relationship with LO. I personally can't stand baby/toddler parties. No judgment to anyone who throws them, but I get not wanting to go.

[marybeth]

My mother-in-law has only traveled to see DS twice ever, FIL NEVER has and never will. My husband was raised by his grandparents, both his parents are selfish, terrible people.

At first it bothered me that they didn't care more. Now I honestly couldn't care less. Adjusting my expectations has eliminated a lot of anger and stress. I invite them to things and send gifts knowing full well they won't remember DS's or my husband's birthday (seriously, they don't even call my husband or son on their birthdays) or attend any events.

I guess I'm trying to say keep up your end of things with the IL's for your husband and son, but don't expect anything from them and you won't be disappointed.

[mrstwiddy]

Jan 26, 2015 14:47:28 GMT -5 marybeth said:

My mother-in-law has only traveled to see DS twice ever, FIL NEVER has and never will. My husband was raised by his grandparents, both his parents are selfish, terrible people.

At first it bothered me that they didn't care more. Now I honestly couldn't care less. Adjusting my expectations has eliminated a lot of anger and stress. I invite them to things and send gifts knowing full well they won't remember DS's or my husband's birthday (seriously, they don't even call my husband or son on their birthdays) or attend any events.

I guess I'm trying to say keep up your end of things with the IL's for your husband and son, but don't expect anything from them and you won't be disappointed.

Yeah, this sounds similar to us. That set of in laws calls on the wrong day or not at all for birthdays....no cards or anything. It's rough.

[purpleroses]

I don't know if this will make you feel any better, but some people just have really different expectations of family and what it means. Being with DH has really opened my eyes to this, because his family is very involved, supportive, and will travel halfway across the country for any family event, and my grandparents didn't even attend events like showers and high school graduations when they lived across town. DH has still never gotten over how uninvolved some of my family is, although I have learned as an adult that most of them do care on some level, it's just not a very emotional group or people who are very good at showing it. As an example of how night and day our families are, my husband's parents and one of his aunts currently plan to travel via plane to be here for DS' second birthday party, but I probably won't even mention it to most of my family who lives three hours away, because in my family, most people wouldn't even consider driving that distance to attend a kid's birthday party and would assume I'm just trying to hit them up for a gift.

My mother lives locally, so she's a bit more involved, but prone to being too busy to come around for awhile and then complaining that we don't have her over enough. Well, which is it? She initially planned a trip after being invited to DS' first birthday party, then was surprised that it hurt my feelings, so I do totally understand where you are coming from. Over the years -- and especially now that I know better from being married to someone with a supportive family -- I've just had to accept that this is how my family is and that they likely aren't going to change. I've definitely told my mother how I feel about it, but at least in her case, she's not really programmed to be a very supportive person or involved past the "fun" aspects of being a parent/grandparent and that's hard to overcome.