Connection Before Correction

[CurlieWhirlie]

I read this today, and I wanted to bring it here to share, even though there isn't a lot going on here, in case it was helpful to someone else. I've been struggling with my relationship with my oldest stepson, who is 11 and has Asperger's. I feel like I am always telling him not to do things: don't take that from your brother, don't play with that it's not a toy, don't yell, don't stomp your feet, don't point your finger in someone's face, don't leave your trash all over the floor of the living room, etc. And he feels the same way, that I am always telling him what to do and criticizing: he expresses often that he attributes any rule he doesn't like in our house to me. So we end up just having very negative views of each other, and it's a vicious cycle.

So reading this today, this easy mantra to repeat to myself, "connection before correction", is a good way to remind myself that I should pull back and leave discipline up to his dad, and allow a calm space to settle between us in which to build a more positive relationship. And once that foundation is there, it will be easier for him to hear discipline from me because he will feel it comes from a place of love and comfort, rather than rejection.

I am also going to start keeping a gratitude journal, in order to focus on the positive things and not the negative.

[mrsbuttinski]

Aug 4, 2015 14:58:02 GMT -5 CurlieWhirlie said:

I read this today, and I wanted to bring it here to share, even though there isn't a lot going on here, in case it was helpful to someone else.


This is an interesting mantra. Not sure how applicable it will be in the step-parenting of a tween on spectrum. Have you done any parent training, as a couple, around discipline and Aspergers? 


I've been struggling with my relationship with my oldest stepson, who is 11 and has Asperger's.


This would be difficult. Kids with ASD, including Aspergers which is no longer given as a dx, aren't always the most likeable or engaging of people. Often they are rule bound, have difficulty with changes and have a very rigid B&W sense of what is appropriate in terms of loyalty. He may not be in a place emotionally where he can accept you as a caregiver much less a disciplinarian. 


I feel like I am always telling him not to do things: don't take that from your brother, don't play with that it's not a toy, don't yell, don't stomp your feet, don't point your finger in someone's face, don't leave your trash all over the floor of the living room, etc. And he feels the same way, that I am always telling him what to do and criticizing: he expresses often that he attributes any rule he doesn't like in our house to me. So we end up just having very negative views of each other, and it's a vicious cycle.

See this is where I think training for you, and perhaps his dad, makes sense. In order for him to see you as a positive person of influence, you need to understand how his mind works. "Don't" doesn't. All kids, but especially those with ASD react best to positive behavior management. Ideally, you need to banish "no" and "don't" from your vocabulary. Think of discipline from the perspective of the root of the word- "to teach". Remember Christ had disciples, not enforcers.

Set him up to be successful where possible. This might mean visual organizers to remind him of recurring responsibilities and/or house rules. It may even mean banning certain toys or activities if they act as triggers for undesired behaviors. Always state the behavior you want to see proactively instead of waiting until he screws up. You might need to do this in the form of a Social Story or a verbal contract depending on how impaired and atypical his emotional regulation is.  

If you don't have a psychologist or behaviorist to help you put a positive discipline plan in place, this book would be a good one to help you understand what you're up against.

www.amazon.com/Parenting-Your-Asperger-Child-Individualized/dp/0399530703

So reading this today, this easy mantra to repeat to myself, "connection before correction", is a good way to remind myself that I should pull back and leave discipline up to his dad, and allow a calm space to settle between us in which to build a more positive relationship. And once that foundation is there, it will be easier for him to hear discipline from me because he will feel it comes from a place of love and comfort, rather than rejection.

Good luck. 

I am also going to start keeping a gratitude journal, in order to focus on the positive things and not the negative.

[CurlieWhirlie]

Thank you, as always, for your advice and perspective, mrsbuttinski!

So far I think my own change in perspective has helped — I started the weekend with a hug (which he likes — physical contact) and gave lots of praise. To all the kids, not just the oldest. It's encouraging to see how quickly they respond to that. The gratitude journal and just focusing on positives rather than negatives has helped me see, too, how far everyone has come over the last two years.

I will check that book out, and I love the etymology of "discipline", that's a great reminder and fits really well with the "positive parenting" outlook I'm trying to cultivate. Thank you!

[mrsbuttinski]

CurlieWhirlie,

Being a stepmother is hard, parenting a kid with Aspergers is hard. I can't fathom doing both at the same time.

I think you're on to something with the gratitude journal. It's kind of a CBT strategy for reframing how you think about something. One thing that really helps me is the perspective of Aspergers as a developmental delay. Even though DS is very bright, verbal and engaged- he has the social and emotional maturity of someone almost 2/3 his chronological age. It helps to remember that even though DS is 22, he has the social and emotional toolbox of someone closer to 17. Your 11 is probably more like a 7/8 in many respects.

The other piece that complicates this is the tendency for kids with Aspergers to have a sort of "prefered person" who is their interpreter/sherpa in the bigger world. My guess would be that mom owns that role. It's possible that his brother is her deputy which is why you aren't going to break up the set for visits. He's probably a poor reporter in that he might not see and explain things in a logical or accurate manner. It's unfortunate, but I totally understand her reasoning.

It's also possible that he is rigid enough in his thinking that his dad being with anyone other than his mom is hard for him to wrap his mind around. The B&W rule boy thinking. This could be why mom doesn't date that you are aware of. It may be more than the kid could manage emotionally at this point. I have a group of 7 very close AS-mom friends. Four of them have been single (3 divorces/1 widow)- two have remarried in the last 14 years and the other two won't even consider dating. married divorcee remarried within 2 years, but the widow was alone for almost 11 years. The single moms have been divorced for at least 8 years each.