*.*.Loss Check-in*.*8.7.15.*.*

[stefuge]

Hi ladies. Welcome to the Loss check-in! This is a board-wide check-in for all of us who have suffered a late term pregnancy or child loss. As this is a board-wide check-in and we are all at different stages in our grief, please remember to post warnings for any subjects related to pregnancy or living children.

I am also so sorry to have to welcome any new loss moms this week but am so glad that you have found us. I hope we can bring each other some much needed comfort and support. Please feel free to join in when you are ready and share as much or as little as you wish. Also, if you have any questions you would like answered, just ask! Any lurkers out there please don't be shy, we would like to be able to support you too.

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?

QOTW: is there a season or time of year you most associate with your angel? Is there something special you do to remember them in that time?

Rants/Raves/Anything else you want to share?

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[wrenofthesea]

I guess I will be first... I was a bit off the grid for awhile as we very recently moved and I am terrible at doing this mobile- it just never works out and makes me frustrated. It was also very busy trying to simultaneously close two houses (the one we sold and the one we bought) and move. I feel bad for not responding well to the last check in. We finally got the cable and internet going at the new place so I am back in business.

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?

I haven't done too much lately.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?

I think the next goal I have is to think about what to do for the one year anniversary. October is fast approaching, as is what would have been her first birthday, and I think I should try to think if there is anything special we want to do. We had a viewing before her cremation that we invited family to but other than that no real memorial for her that friends could come to. Not sure if I want something public/open to friends or something just for us and family... I just know it is going to take a lot of time and emotion to think about this so deciding maybe to start the beginning of thinking about it now

QOTW: is there a season or time of year you most associate with your angel? Is there something special you do to remember them in that time?

So far I am not sure yet. We are still in the first year, yesterday was 10 months since I delivered her, so it feels like I think about her most of the time throughout. From early Feb when we first found out I was pregnant and all the joy and excitement that went with it- to May when we went to Hawaii and I got to show H a place I lived and loved and I was also just starting to actually show so got some good photos- to now the end of summer when I was in third trimester and she was so full of life and the joy and amazement at feeling and watching her move in the womb... I suppose October may be the time I really think about her, I was so happy to have been having an Oct pumpkin baby. After her death I became a little obsessed with pumpkins and we bought a good number of them and took any from friends and family that grew them. I didn't want to cut or carve them, I just needed them out and on display everywhere. I wasn't able to grow any this year with the move but next year definitely. I think this year I will also be buying a multitude of pumpkins.

Rants/Raves/Anything else you want to share?

Not too much right now.

[stefuge]

wrenofthesea - the first year anniversary is hard. we are getting ready to celebrate Colton's second birthday at the end of the month, and it is still so hard to believe so much time has passed. Whatever you decide to do that day will be perfect. For us, it was important to start some traditions that we can do every year to make the day special. We also had a small memorial for him a few months after he passed away, and honestly, it was so great and something we will always remember. we invited friends and family to run a 5K with us in Colton's memory, and then later in the day, did a small service with just family to share stories and scripture, poems, etc. and it was so special. I would recommend doing something. It was important not just for us but also for our families. ((Hugs)) as you make some tough decision and approach this difficult anniversary. And I love that you collect and grow pumpkins! So cute!

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[stefuge]

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?
We are approaching Colton's second birthday on the 28th of this month. We decided to sponsor a child through Compassoon International in Colton's memory - a two-year-old little boy in Bolivia - and are asking friends and family to donate to the organization as well. I'm hopeful that people will participate and am excited to see the impact that could be made by our love for him.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? To finalize plans for his actual birthday. We are planning to take the day off and continue some traditions we started last year, as well as having family over for dinner and cupcakes in the evening.

QOTW: is there a season or time of year you most associate with your angel? Is there something special you do to remember them in that time? Fall, definitely. He was born still the first week of school here, so seeing kids going back to school is a tough trigger for me. September is hard because it is my birthday month, and it was so hard to celebrate my birthday two weeks after he died. And then October being pregnancy and infant loss awareness month drags on the sad feelings. Fall last year was really hard, just going back through all the memories of the previous year. I am looking forward to November!

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[shandorfml2]

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Hi ladies, hugs to those who need them

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? Been feeling my grief more. While it feels like going backwards, I think it's progress.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? I know I need to walk more. I think journaling more would help too. I know I need to let out my feelings, and I haven't been. I haven't fully grieved my Mother's death, and the grief ties into Ana's death.

QOTW: is there a season or time of year you most associate with your angel? Is there something special you do to remember them in that time? Early spring. Ana was born March 2nd, during a light snow fall. Soon after she was born, spring came. So I associate late spring snow, and blooming flowers with my girl. I enjoy seeing daffodils (March's birth flower) and pink roses.

Rants/Raves/Anything else you want to share?Just how long and tiring grief is. It's much easier now two years out (6 months for Mom) but every once in a while I go through a funk, and it's hard.

[shandorfml2]

wrenofthesea, stefuge, hugs and peace as you come up to your babies angelversaries. They are hard. Last year (her second angelversary) I didn't do much. I made a cake, and now wish I had done more. (rainbow mentioned) I was in my third tri with our rainbow and absolutely terrified. I hope to do more this year, make it a real celebration. I can't believe next March she would be 3 years old...

[stefuge]

shandorfml2 - ((hugs)). I think your goals are good ones - exercise and journaling were both very healing for me the first year. You just have to keep working through it, and like we tell all new loss moms, just let yourself feel what you are feeling.

ETA: to fix the tag

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[murrt]

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?

I saw my therapist which was helpful. I've been dealing with the grief, guilt, and my unease with how my husband is handling things (WAY too much alcohol). I don't know what I would do without her help. Every time I speak with her I experience a sigh of relief and I didn't even know how badly I needed to talk with her until I do.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?
Continue with therapy. That's the main thing for me right now. I'd like to start exercising too but I'm not going to pressure myself too much. It's only been 6 weeks. But, I've noticed I've been eating my feelings big time, so I need to work on that in my next session and hopefully get motivated to exercise. I'm also seeing my reproductive endocrinologist and a geneticist in the next two weeks. DH and I feel some self-imposed pressure to try again due to our ages, and part of me thinks it might be easier when the due date comes if I'm pregnant again. I feel this intense need to move on and yet I feel sad and guilty doing just that.

QOTW: is there a season or time of year you most associate with your angel? Is there something special you do to remember them in that time? It's only been six weeks for us, but I imagine that the due date will be hard, the date I got pregnant through IVF, and the loss date. I don't know what I'll do at those times, but the due date will hit us first and I'm thinking of taking a couple days off (even though I have no time off left) and try to go away, or even just be home and aware that I don't have to pretend to be OK.

[stefuge]

murrt - our EDD was tough. Really, any milestone or anniversary is hard, although usually it's the days leading up to the milestone day that are harder than the actual day itself. For me, I needed to have something planned for his EDD. We ended up taking the day off and spending it as a family, and it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. ((hugs))

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[wrenofthesea]

stefuge, I love that you are sponsoring a child in honor of Colton. I also think that is a really great way to include family and friends in remembering and honoring your child. Maybe that is something that H and I can think about and possibly do for Lillian's day.


shandorfml2, ((hugs)) as you deal with the grief of both your daughter and your mother. Journaling has helped me a lot at times with the grief and all the confounding emotions that go with it. One journal I had was mostly to Lillian and was a way of connecting with her and such- but I also had a journal that was more secret that I let myself just rant and rave and write any and all emotions that I was feeling whenever I was feeling it (it was a slim moleskin notebook that I could keep in my purse easily). That journal never judged me or told me I should be some other way


murrt, I am glad to hear that you have found a therapist that you enjoy talking to and feel good about afterward. I hope you will be able to take some time off for your due date. I have found taking some time off for certain anniversaries and milestones was good- since as you said you don't have to pretend to be ok and you don't have to try to explain to others why you are sad or having a tough time right now. You can just be you and feel how you need to

[murrt]

Aug 10, 2015 19:38:48 GMT -5 stefuge said:

murrt - our EDD was tough. Really, any milestone or anniversary is hard, although usually it's the days leading up to the milestone day that are harder than the actual day itself. For me, I needed to have something planned for his EDD. We ended up taking the day off and spending it as a family, and it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. ((hugs))

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This is how I am about the anniversary of my Dad's death and his birthday too. Leading up to the day is worse than the actual day. I imagine I may be the same with our EDD and loss date.

[mommytoava]

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?

We got moved up to where my parents live which is huge. It will be a big help to have supportive family nearby.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?

Just trying to get through Ava's first Angelversary, which is the end of this month. I can't believe it's almost been a year since she passed.

QOTW: is there a season or time of year you most associate with your angel? Is there something special you do to remember them in that time?

I would say Spring. Spring 2014 we took Ava to the mall to see the Easter Bunny and the same night we took her to see her first and only movie in the theaters (Muppets Most Wanted). Everytime we went to that mall afterwards she would always comment that it was where she saw the Easter Bunny- it was very special.

Rants/Raves/Anything else you want to share?

I just started at a new office. It's good to be home but hard that no one knows about my little girl.

[stefuge]

mommytoava - that must be so hard to be in a new place with people who don't know about Ava, but I hope that the move will be good for you guys. ((Hugs)) as you approach the one year anniversary of Ava's death.

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