This weekend, DH and I were up north with some of his family. On Saturday, my IL's friends came up (we'll call them Jim and Shelly). I was on the front porch with FIL, and he asked if we had told Jim and Shelly about our pregnancy yet. I told him no. I didn't think I needed to explain myself further.
Less than an hour later I was in the living room with DH, Jim, and Shelly. FIL walks in and says "So did you tell Jim and Shelly yet?!" It took me so off guard I didn't have time to recover and make something up. We simply were not ready to share our news with a bunch of people outside of our immediate family. So I just said "No but I guess we have to now, since you just outted us." And he goes "I know, I want them to know!" So I just looked at Shelly and smiled, and she guessed correctly.
I didn't want to start any drama in front of my IL's friends, but I was actually irate. This is NOT anyone else's news to share (or to force us to share). I get FIL is excited, but again, it's not his news to share!
I want to be able to tell him that it upset me and that he better not pull something like that again. But right now I'm too pissed to say something nicely. WWYD?
We've been VERY clear with the people we have shared the news with that we are keeping it a closely guarded secret, and we are not comfortable sharing with anyone outside immediate family at this point.
I would talk with him and explain this so it's very clear so he (hopefully) wouldn't put you in that position again.
I would definitely say something, and if you are comfortable talking about it with him I would put it in the context of being PGAL (assuming he knows about your history?).
Sometimes people just are not good at putting themselves in others' shoes. I'm sure he's so excited for you guys and wants to share that excitement, but he's not thinking about what a terrifying time first tri is for the parents, and particularly those who have experienced prior losses. Sharing that perspective might make him feel part of Team Jags, as opposed to putting him on the defensive.
I'm going to just text him. Does this sound nice enough? I don't want to start drama, but I also want to be firm and explicit.
FIL, I just want you to know that I wasn't very happy that you forced us to share our news with Jim and Shelly. The night we told you, I explained that we weren't telling anyone else until 2nd trimester. I realize you are excited, but it is my and DH's news to share when we are comfortable sharing. It is still very early and we are far from being out of the "danger zone." In the future, please do not share our news with anyone or force us to share until we explicitly say we are ready for everyone to know.
Since it's your FIL I'd make DH do the dirty work and talk to him about it.
Sorry he forced you into telling. Not cool at all.
Sounds nice in theory, but it would never happen. DH absolutely will not stir anything. And even if DH did talk to his dad, he wouldn't say it in a way that conveys that I'm fucking serious.
Sorry that your FIL wasn't respectful of your wishes. I think your text sounds very good. I also agree with steveo - make your FIL understand that being PGAL makes you want to be more cautious who is privy to your news until after the first tri. Darn those over-excited grandparents! DH and I knew how excited our parents would be, so we didn't share our news with anyone about DS until we were 10 weeks along and even then we asked them to not say anything until we announced publicly at 14 weeks. I hope your FIL is understanding and keeps your news quiet until you are ready to share.
DS: Born 8/2/12 at 31 Weeks due to unexplained PTL -------------- ISO a new baby to wear since 10/13 - DX: MFI IVF w/ ICSI - July '15: 13R, 13F, 1T - 6 Frosties - BFP - It split, It's Twins!
Post by wowcheezits on Aug 17, 2015 17:35:47 GMT -5
I would speak to him privately and say I wanted to wait before telling anyone else because it's really early and I would have liked to have said something myself since I'm the one who's having the baby. Then I would ask "Jim and Shelly" to not tell anyone else.
It definitely wasn't his news to share, but again I think this falls under the category of "if you don't want EVERYONE to know, don't tell ANYONE". I'm glad he apologized, though.
It definitely wasn't his news to share, but again I think this falls under the category of "if you don't want EVERYONE to know, don't tell ANYONE". I'm glad he apologized, though.
I disagree. I think people should have enough respect to not go blabbing.
It definitely wasn't his news to share, but again I think this falls under the category of "if you don't want EVERYONE to know, don't tell ANYONE". I'm glad he apologized, though.
I disagree. I think people should have enough respect to not go blabbing.
A big WTF to your FIL. I would have been furious. With my first pregnancy my dad randomly told our next door neighbor. A few weeks later I lost the pregnancy. I made my dad go "untell" my neighbor.
It definitely wasn't his news to share, but again I think this falls under the category of "if you don't want EVERYONE to know, don't tell ANYONE". I'm glad he apologized, though.
I disagree. I think people should have enough respect to not go blabbing.
Oh, I completely agree. Its just that lots of people DON'T have that kind of respect or self control, kwim?
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