NPR: Potential big life change
Jan 26, 2015 16:55:09 GMT -5
Post by mcp6286 on Jan 26, 2015 16:55:09 GMT -5
Hi all - apologies in advance if is this is snowflakey and long but need some thoughts/prayer/good vibes sent our way for a potentially very tricky and life altering situation. Some of you have read my bitches about DH's SIL. His brother and SIL have 3 kids, (G is 12, L is 10, and D is 4) plus a baby coming any day now. My SIL is a tragically awful mother. She doesn't even try. She will flat out tell you that she doesn't enjoy her kids, doesn't like spending time with them, doesn't really enjoy being a mom in general, and just keeps having kids cuz she likes babies. She's a SAHM, even though all 3 kids are in full-day school.
So our family has know for a long time that their life is spiraling out of control, but SIL is a paranoid control freak who thinks everyone in the family hates her, so she won't allow anyone except DH and I to spend time with the kids (little does she know that I'm the one she should be most afraid of). BIL, for unexplainable reasons that even he can not vocalize, allows her to be in complete control of their lives and just straight up avoids going home. He takes side jobs (owns his own construction company), does favors for friends, helps family members remodel...anything to avoid going home. When he does go home, the kids are afraid to talk to him bc he's so grumpy and angry. Their house is always in foreclosure, they never pay taxes...it's just a mess of monumental proportions.
SIL has 12 dogs of her own, plus she grooms and boards on a part-time basis. She keeps them all in the house, despite my nephew's allergies and asthma. She never cleans up after them. SIL never cleans up the house, doesn't drive the kids to school or help with homework, doesn't make meals, run errands, do yard work, or do laundry. Basically, we have no idea what in God's name she does all day and neither does my BIL (hence, why he's so angry all the time). She just makes my BIL do literally everything.
Since the baby is due in like, 2 weeks, my DH went over to the house last week while he was waiting to start his new job to check things out. He came home saying that he couldn't in good conscience let the baby be born into that home (she does home births to avoid the hospital). So he went over there every day that week and basically took a wrecking ball to her house. He cleaned the entire dog catastrophe that she keeps in the kitchen and dining room - scrubbed cages, cleaned up spilled food and feces, put away all the supplies neatly, etc. He cleaned the house top to bottom, did all the laundry, pulled all the baby stuff out of the attic. He cleaned each of the kids' rooms from the ground up - he got rid of anything broken/torn/unusable, vacuumed, dusted, scrubbed and organized. He even cleaned out my SIL's bedroom with her, because she "couldn't do it" on her own. He literally had to coach her through every single aspect of the process, while she sat on her ass and complained about how he did everything (I would like to stab her right not, but that's beside the point). The whole time he cleaned, she gave directions and complained about how overwhelming each task was and how difficult it is to throw anything out. DH said he's beginning to think she has some legitimate mental limitations and needs significant counseling to work through some of her own stuff before she's even able to focus on the kids.
By the end of the week, DH had the house in awesome shape (SIL never even said thank you, of course). But he's had about enough. My youngest niece, whom we adore, is beginning to exhibit symptoms of PTSD and disassociation, which my boss (a psychologist) told us after observing her is a coping method kids use to get over trauma, abuse or neglect. Clearly, there is quite a bit of neglect going on in that house.
So, DH told his brother that once the baby gets here, his brother has 2 months to make some major changes or DH and I are going to be sitting down with a social worker to talk about getting custody of all the kids. DH is not one to make empty threats, either. So, there's a chance that unless my BIL steps up, takes back control of the family situation, and pushes my SIL to get some help, I could go from have 0 kids to having 5 by the end of June. I am beyond thrilled at the thought of taking my 4 yr old niece and 10 yr old nephew...they are easy, lovable kids and I know I could handle them and my newborn. However, the thought of also adding a preteen and an infant to that group scares the crap out of me! I will not let the children remain in this situation; I fully agree with DH on that. But OMG, what a huge life change it would be. DH's other brother/SIL may be willing to take on a kid or two, especially temporarily, so there are some options. We're in the very beginning stages - talking with a friend who practices family law and another who used to be a social worker about what steps we'd need to take to ensure that the kids come right to us, costs involved, etc. We're hoping it doesn't come to that and BIL/SIL just need the kick in the pants to get their shit together, but it doesn't look good so we want to be prepared. If you guys can send as many thoughts/prayers/positive energy/good vibes as you can that whatever is best for the kids happens, I would really appreciate that!
So our family has know for a long time that their life is spiraling out of control, but SIL is a paranoid control freak who thinks everyone in the family hates her, so she won't allow anyone except DH and I to spend time with the kids (little does she know that I'm the one she should be most afraid of). BIL, for unexplainable reasons that even he can not vocalize, allows her to be in complete control of their lives and just straight up avoids going home. He takes side jobs (owns his own construction company), does favors for friends, helps family members remodel...anything to avoid going home. When he does go home, the kids are afraid to talk to him bc he's so grumpy and angry. Their house is always in foreclosure, they never pay taxes...it's just a mess of monumental proportions.
SIL has 12 dogs of her own, plus she grooms and boards on a part-time basis. She keeps them all in the house, despite my nephew's allergies and asthma. She never cleans up after them. SIL never cleans up the house, doesn't drive the kids to school or help with homework, doesn't make meals, run errands, do yard work, or do laundry. Basically, we have no idea what in God's name she does all day and neither does my BIL (hence, why he's so angry all the time). She just makes my BIL do literally everything.
Since the baby is due in like, 2 weeks, my DH went over to the house last week while he was waiting to start his new job to check things out. He came home saying that he couldn't in good conscience let the baby be born into that home (she does home births to avoid the hospital). So he went over there every day that week and basically took a wrecking ball to her house. He cleaned the entire dog catastrophe that she keeps in the kitchen and dining room - scrubbed cages, cleaned up spilled food and feces, put away all the supplies neatly, etc. He cleaned the house top to bottom, did all the laundry, pulled all the baby stuff out of the attic. He cleaned each of the kids' rooms from the ground up - he got rid of anything broken/torn/unusable, vacuumed, dusted, scrubbed and organized. He even cleaned out my SIL's bedroom with her, because she "couldn't do it" on her own. He literally had to coach her through every single aspect of the process, while she sat on her ass and complained about how he did everything (I would like to stab her right not, but that's beside the point). The whole time he cleaned, she gave directions and complained about how overwhelming each task was and how difficult it is to throw anything out. DH said he's beginning to think she has some legitimate mental limitations and needs significant counseling to work through some of her own stuff before she's even able to focus on the kids.
By the end of the week, DH had the house in awesome shape (SIL never even said thank you, of course). But he's had about enough. My youngest niece, whom we adore, is beginning to exhibit symptoms of PTSD and disassociation, which my boss (a psychologist) told us after observing her is a coping method kids use to get over trauma, abuse or neglect. Clearly, there is quite a bit of neglect going on in that house.
So, DH told his brother that once the baby gets here, his brother has 2 months to make some major changes or DH and I are going to be sitting down with a social worker to talk about getting custody of all the kids. DH is not one to make empty threats, either. So, there's a chance that unless my BIL steps up, takes back control of the family situation, and pushes my SIL to get some help, I could go from have 0 kids to having 5 by the end of June. I am beyond thrilled at the thought of taking my 4 yr old niece and 10 yr old nephew...they are easy, lovable kids and I know I could handle them and my newborn. However, the thought of also adding a preteen and an infant to that group scares the crap out of me! I will not let the children remain in this situation; I fully agree with DH on that. But OMG, what a huge life change it would be. DH's other brother/SIL may be willing to take on a kid or two, especially temporarily, so there are some options. We're in the very beginning stages - talking with a friend who practices family law and another who used to be a social worker about what steps we'd need to take to ensure that the kids come right to us, costs involved, etc. We're hoping it doesn't come to that and BIL/SIL just need the kick in the pants to get their shit together, but it doesn't look good so we want to be prepared. If you guys can send as many thoughts/prayers/positive energy/good vibes as you can that whatever is best for the kids happens, I would really appreciate that!
Keep us updated, and props to your DH! What a guy!
