.*.*.Loss Check-in.*.8.30.15.*.*.

[stefuge]

Hi ladies. Welcome to the Loss check-in! This is a board-wide check-in for all of us who have suffered a late term pregnancy or child loss. As this is a board-wide check-in and we are all at different stages in our grief, please remember to post warnings for any subjects related to pregnancy or living children.

I am also so sorry to have to welcome any new loss moms this week but am so glad that you have found us. I hope we can bring each other some much needed comfort and support. Please feel free to join in when you are ready and share as much or as little as you wish. Also, if you have any questions you would like answered, just ask! Any lurkers out there please don't be shy, we would like to be able to support you too.

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?

QOTW: what has been the most helpful resource for you in your journey of grief? Please feel free to share links.

Rants/Raves/Anything else you want to share?

***siggy warning***

[peaseblossom55]

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? I am trying to, it's been less than a week. I am trying to be less sensitive though.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? I have a licensing exam to take for Oct 1st, it sucks but I can throw myself back into studying for the next few weeks. Since we got pregnant with an RE we have an appointment with him on Oct 8th. We want to try again as soon as we can.

QOTW: what has been the most helpful resource for you in your journey of grief? Please feel free to share links.
I'm still looking for things so if anyone has anything I'd appreciate it.

Rants/Raves/Anything else you want to share? I just want to be pregnant again. I will never forget our angel but I so badly want to be pregnant again, waiting until we can begin trying again will be really hard. I need to find some things to look forward to, to keep my mind active.

[flutterfly88]

Aug 31, 2015 9:11:11 GMT -5 peaseblossom55 said:

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? I am trying to, it's been less than a week. I am trying to be less sensitive though.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? I have a licensing exam to take for Oct 1st, it sucks but I can throw myself back into studying for the next few weeks. Since we got pregnant with an RE we have an appointment with him on Oct 8th. We want to try again as soon as we can.

QOTW: what has been the most helpful resource for you in your journey of grief? Please feel free to share links.
I'm still looking for things so if anyone has anything I'd appreciate it.

Rants/Raves/Anything else you want to share? I just want to be pregnant again. I will never forget our angel but I so badly want to be pregnant again, waiting until we can begin trying again will be really hard. I need to find some things to look forward to, to keep my mind active.

Some resources that have helped me: Still Standing Magazine, Stillbirthday and A Bed For My Heart (I follow them on FB). 

This article from Still Standing has touched a place in me. One day I hope to get the book it's been made into. link

I understand your need to get pregnant again, I've been there too! But my advice to you is take some time to work through your grief. Being Pgal is hard, and though your grief and love for your child never goes away the intensity of the early rawness (of your grief) will lessen. 

Sending you much love and ((((hugs))))

[peaseblossom55]

Aug 31, 2015 10:06:51 GMT -5 flutterfly88 said:

Aug 31, 2015 9:11:11 GMT -5 peaseblossom55 said:

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? I am trying to, it's been less than a week. I am trying to be less sensitive though.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? I have a licensing exam to take for Oct 1st, it sucks but I can throw myself back into studying for the next few weeks. Since we got pregnant with an RE we have an appointment with him on Oct 8th. We want to try again as soon as we can.

QOTW: what has been the most helpful resource for you in your journey of grief? Please feel free to share links.
I'm still looking for things so if anyone has anything I'd appreciate it.

Rants/Raves/Anything else you want to share? I just want to be pregnant again. I will never forget our angel but I so badly want to be pregnant again, waiting until we can begin trying again will be really hard. I need to find some things to look forward to, to keep my mind active.

Some resources that have helped me: Still Standing Magazine, Stillbirthday and A Bed For My Heart (I follow them on FB). 

This article from Still Standing has touched a place in me. One day I hope to get the book it's been made into. link

I understand your need to get pregnant again, I've been there too! But my advice to you is take some time to work through your grief. Being Pgal is hard, and though your grief and love for your child never goes away the intensity of the early rawness (of your grief) will lessen. 

Sending you much love and ((((hugs))))

Thank you so so much for the resources!  I appreciate it so much.

[flutterfly88]

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? It was just over 2 weeks ago now, but we have got Parker's head stobe ordered. It was such a relief to get it done. Still waiting on the proof to come back, and I know that it may not be finished and installled before his first birthday, but knowing it is on it's way helps a lot. A few nights ago I sat and watched the video our NILMDTS Photographer made and the video my SMIL made dor the funeral, and had a good cry. It felt good to do that again.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? I guess it would be getting through his first birthday. It's a little less than 2 months away. I've been thinking of ways to honour his memory, and some of them will take some planning and time, so I should really start doing that soon.

QOTW: what has been the most helpful resource for you in your journey of grief? Please feel free to share links.  I listed them above, but here's a link to the article that helped me. With my loss being because of Incompetent Cervix, I feel so much guilt. I know it's not my fault, but some days it's hard to remember that.

Rants/Raves/Anything else you want to share?




***********Pregnancy Mentioned****************






I am currently pregnant again, and it's been hard. I'm excited for this little one, but he or she will never be my first born, will never be Parker. And sometimes it feels like other people forget that. They think because I am pregnant again it will make the loss milestones easier. But it doesn't. I miss my son and that will never change. My biggest pet peeve is when people (who know about Parker) ask if this baby will be my in-laws first grandbaby (or other family members first). Depending on the situation, I sometimea say yes, just because it's easier. But Parker was the first, and so it grieves my heart when I lie to keep things easy.

I think I also sometimes make people uncomfortable because I am very open about my loss. When people who don't know about Parker ask about my parenting status (is this your first, do you have children, etc?) I always bring him up and share at least the bare minimum of his story.

[stefuge]

peaseblossom55- I am so sorry you are joining us here. I second what flutterfly said - we understand your desire to be pregnant again right away, but it is important to give yourself time to grieve the child you lost, not to mention that your doctor may want you to wait a little while for health reasons. Being PGAL is so so different than any other pregnancy and so much harder. you want to make sure that you are absolutely ready. ((Hugs)).



***siggy warning***

[stefuge]

flutterfly88 - I'm so glad you got Parker's headstone ordered! That is a big accomplishment. Colton's first birthday was a tough one, but we decided to do what felt best to us, not necessarily what others thought we would do, and that was a good decision. We made good memories for his birthday, which was what we wanted, and started some good traditions that we have continued.

*****pregnancy mentioned*****
Congratulations! When are you due? I am also pregnant, due in February. Maybe we need to start the PGAL check-in back up. I also always include Colton when people ask about our kids, or I will tell people we are expecting baby #3. It's hard though - how often people don't count Colton. Even like my mom, good friends, even DH will make comments about "with baby #2" and I understand why they do it, but it still hurts. Colton completely counts in my mind and I have learned that, no matter how awkward the conversation may be, I feel worse if I deny him, so I always include him and then kind of brace myself for the awkward thing that will be said in response (because usually it's awkward!) I'm sorry that people are doing that to you as well but know you are doing the right thing by including Parker.

***siggy warning***

[peaseblossom55]

Aug 31, 2015 14:31:04 GMT -5 stefuge said:

peaseblossom55- I am so sorry you are joining us here. I second what flutterfly said - we understand your desire to be pregnant again right away, but it is important to give yourself time to grieve the child you lost, not to mention that your doctor may want you to wait a little while for health reasons. Being PGAL is so so different than any other pregnancy and so much harder. you want to make sure that you are absolutely ready. ((Hugs)).



***siggy warning***

I figure we will at least have to wait 2-3 months.  I know both my H & I need some time to heal and grieve.  I also feel better knowing what the plan is for TTC again even if that plan doesn't get executed for a few more months.

[shandorfml2]

peaseblossom55, totally understand wanting to get pregnant again. As soon as I learned my daughter had died, I wanted to get pregnant again. *rainbow mentioned* I did take me a year and a half (I have PCOS as well) to get pregnant again. While that was hard, it did give me the time to grieve. It is so important to grieve
flutterfly88, I totally understand how pgal brain is so hard! Good luck in your pregnancy. I agree those resources you mentioned are awesome. Glad you got the headstone ordered. That made me feel better to have her marker
stefuge, tahks for the checkin. Sometimes my LO is referred to as the first grandchild. Rips my heart apart. My sister even got my H and I cards that said happy first mothers/fathers day. I was floored!

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? Meh. I am seeing my doctor tomorrow. I am going to ask for a therapist referral. I need a new one, and I think I could use someone to talk to. It's hard though because I live in a small community and I'm a therapist too!

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? I need to exercise more. Now that it's getting cooler I hope to walk every night. I also need to stop eating my feelings!

QOTW: what has been the most helpful resource for you in your journey of grief? Please feel free to share links. I agree with PP. Also Baby boards on facebook, she has some beautiful crafts you can personalize to remember your baby. Also Molly Bears, Held Your Whole Life. The books "Our Children Live On" and "Growing up in Heaven"

Rants/Raves/Anything else you want to share?mehh. Life is kinda sucking right now.

[wrenofthesea]

peaseblossom55, a week is not that long. Don't worry about trying to be less sensitive- losing a child is incredibly difficult, emotional, and well, very sensitive. It will be 11 months for me this weekend and there are definitely times it is still very hard and I am still quite sensitive. Grieve as long and in whatever way you need.

I found Still Standing Magazine helpful, along with going through some of the blogs listed in the sidebar of their website (even though some are old and not updated I still found them helpful/comforting). Also, since you are thinking about TTC again, even if it is still some months away, I found the Pregnancy After Loss Support site helpful (there is a link through still standing as PALS sister site). They do have a lot of posts regarding PGAL- which depending on my day could be really hard to see- but they also have posts on TTCAL- from waiting/thinking to try, to currently/actively trying, to even deciding to take a break for awhile or forever.

[peaseblossom55]

Sept 1, 2015 17:54:38 GMT -5 wrenofthesea said:

peaseblossom55, a week is not that long. Don't worry about trying to be less sensitive- losing a child is incredibly difficult, emotional, and well, very sensitive. It will be 11 months for me this weekend and there are definitely times it is still very hard and I am still quite sensitive. Grieve as long and in whatever way you need.

I found Still Standing Magazine helpful, along with going through some of the blogs listed in the sidebar of their website (even though some are old and not updated I still found them helpful/comforting). Also, since you are thinking about TTC again, even if it is still some months away, I found the Pregnancy After Loss Support site helpful (there is a link through still standing as PALS sister site). They do have a lot of posts regarding PGAL- which depending on my day could be really hard to see- but they also have posts on TTCAL- from waiting/thinking to try, to currently/actively trying, to even deciding to take a break for awhile or forever.

thank you so so much!

[wrenofthesea]

flutterfly88, I am glad to hear that your got Parker's head stone ordered and that it is bringing you some relief. I am sorry to hear that others forget to mention him or think of him as your first born as he is and always will be.

[wrenofthesea]

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?

We set up an area in the new house where Lillian's urn can reside, along with her candle and a statue my mom got us. It has been slow to move into the new house due to the updates that we have been having to do so we hadn't quite found a good place to put her stuff. It felt good to get that set up.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?

Still thinking about what to do for her first year anniversary. Since both our parents and immediate family are out of town we know we should at least think of which day so we can let them know if they want to make the trip over to celebrate and remember her with us.

QOTW: what has been the most helpful resource for you in your journey of grief? Please feel free to share links.

As others have mentioned Still Standing Magazine is a good one. I also found blogs, that I found through Still Standing or other sites, helpful.

Rants/Raves/Anything else you want to share?

We hung out with some couples that we hadn't seen since before Lillian died. They all have toddlers/small children so I thought that they probably felt a little awkward or unsure about how and when to visit us. Anyway, we had a pretty good day and I was about to post some pics and stuff from the day but I saw that they all had posted about the fun day out but completely left H and I out. They mentioned the other families and pics of everyone else, but none of us (and there were photos taken of us). I know I am probably being a little over sensitive but it kind of hurt. Before Lillian H and I were included quite a bit, especially when I was pregnant, but now not so much I guess.




*****pregnancy mentioned*****
stefuge, I am also pregnant (due end of Feb). I would be interested in a PGAL check in. I am still new at this, but with a few pointers/tips I would be willing to help post it once a week (or once every other week? not sure what frequency people would like).

[wrenofthesea]

shandorfml2, I am sorry that life is being hard right now and sucking. I hope that you are able to find a therapist that you like and works well with you.

[stefuge]

shandorfml2 - I'm sorry life has been so hard lately. I think finding a new therapist would be a great idea. I hope you are able to find someone you like soon!

[stefuge]

wrenofthesea - planning for the first angelversary is hard, but I think it is worth it to plan something. I hope your family are all able to come and remember Lillian with you. It means so much when family remember our little ones.

***pregnancy mentioned***

flutterfly88 wrenofthesea Since there are a couple of us pregnant, I think a PGAL check-in would be good. I would love a spot to talk with other moms who are pregnant again after a later loss. CAR has been helpful, and the ladies are all so sweet, but there are times when I feel I can't relate as well with the ladies there who have had earlier losses. It would be nice to have a safe space to share with other moms who get the anxiety! wrenofthesea - if you would like to run the check-in, that would be great! Either every week or every other is good - whatever you feel like sounds good to me!

[flutterfly88]

stefuge, I am due at the end of November. I would be up for a PGAL check-in, but not sure if i'd participate every week (probably more like every other week). 


shandorfml2, I'm sorry life has been hard lately (((hugs))). Were you able to get a referral? I hope you're able to find someone to talk to who is a good fit for you.


wrenofthesea, I'm sorry your friends left you out, I haven't been excluded from things because of Parker, but just because of differences in lifestyles and that hurt, so I can understand a little of your pain. When is Lillian's anniversary? My cousin's daughter was stillborn about 4 years ago, and for the first couple of years she made an event on facebook for her daughter's birthday, so that family who lived farther away could still participate in honouring her memory. (They chose to do a balloon release as their way of remembering her). 

[mommytoava]

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? I made it through Ava's first angelversary. It was very hard, I can't believe it's been a year. We were in Seattle and went to a place called Artful Ashes, that took some of her ashes and incorporated into a glass heart. It was a nice experience getting to watch.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? We are hoping to buy a house within the next couple of months. We are currently staying with my parents but it will be nice to have our own space again and set up Ava's things.

QOTW: what has been the most helpful resource for you in your journey of grief? Please feel free to share links.
I am apart of several groups on Facebook and moderate some. It is helpful to connect with others. We are also looking for a new counselor since our move.

Rants/Raves/Anything else you want to share? Just got back from our trip. I know I couldn't have worked this past week and glad we got away.

[littleowl913]

Sept 1, 2015 20:15:23 GMT -5 stefuge said:

wrenofthesea - planning for the first angelversary is hard, but I think it is worth it to plan something. I hope your family are all able to come and remember Lillian with you. It means so much when family remember our little ones.

***pregnancy mentioned***

flutterfly88 wrenofthesea Since there are a couple of us pregnant, I think a PGAL check-in would be good. I would love a spot to talk with other moms who are pregnant again after a later loss. CAR has been helpful, and the ladies are all so sweet, but there are times when I feel I can't relate as well with the ladies there who have had earlier losses. It would be nice to have a safe space to share with other moms who get the anxiety! wrenofthesea - if you would like to run the check-in, that would be great! Either every week or every other is good - whatever you feel like sounds good to me!

I would down for a PGAL check-in as well. I'm due November 9th.

[littleowl913]

***************pregnancy mentioned*******************

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? Just trying to take it one day at a time.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? Just trying to hold it together in anticipation of Ronin's birthday next weekend. DH and I try to not to be consumed in sadness when we go visit him. All his bigger toys have gone missing throughout the year so we're going to pick out a big stuff animal for him. I'm going to try but it's going to be tough.

QOTW: what has been the most helpful resource for you in your journey of grief? Please feel free to share links. Talking to a therapist. Just talking to someone apart from my loved ones helped me so much. I feel the weight lift off my shoulders.

Rants/Raves/Anything else you want to share? When I first started coming to this Board I couldn't understand why moms would feel guilty and sadness when they were pregnant with their rainbows or holding their rainbows in their arms. All I wanted was to be in their shoes! OMG I totally get it now! I feel guilty about not thinking about Ronin enough and being consumed by this pregnancy. I get so sad thinking how much I miss Ronin.

[wrenofthesea]

Sept 2, 2015 20:26:51 GMT -5 littleowl913 said:

Sept 1, 2015 20:15:23 GMT -5 stefuge said:

wrenofthesea - planning for the first angelversary is hard, but I think it is worth it to plan something. I hope your family are all able to come and remember Lillian with you. It means so much when family remember our little ones.

***pregnancy mentioned***

flutterfly88 wrenofthesea Since there are a couple of us pregnant, I think a PGAL check-in would be good. I would love a spot to talk with other moms who are pregnant again after a later loss. CAR has been helpful, and the ladies are all so sweet, but there are times when I feel I can't relate as well with the ladies there who have had earlier losses. It would be nice to have a safe space to share with other moms who get the anxiety! wrenofthesea - if you would like to run the check-in, that would be great! Either every week or every other is good - whatever you feel like sounds good to me!

I would down for a PGAL check-in as well. I'm due November 9th.

Ok, I think I will start it next week- if that is ok with everyone. 

[wrenofthesea]

flutterfly88, Lillian's anniversary is Oct 6th. My mother has already mentioned that her and my father want to make it over- though asked to make sure we were ok with that. That is a good idea to make a Facebook event or maybe we can find another way to incorporate those that cannot make it over. We all live in the same state, except for my brother and his family, but H's parents aren't into travel (even just some hours away).


mommytoava, ((hugs)) for making it through Ava's first angelversary. I am glad it was a good experience having the heart made with some of her ashes. We have thought about having something like that made. We live in Western WA and if it was a good experience, maybe we will look up Artful Ashes. Do you mind me asking if they had a website or how you found them?

littleowl913,  I'll be thinking of you and your family as Ronin's birthday approaches. I hope you peace as you find a stuffed animal to bring for him 

[shandorfml2]

mommytoava,glad you made it through her angelversary, ((big hugs)
littleowl913, thinking of you as his birthday approaches. (hugs) I understand about the feeling towards Moms with rainbows. I didn't understand until I had my rainbow. It's so complicated emotionally, and then you feel guilty for having feelings! Vicious cycle. Having a new baby after losing one is a HUGE blessing but also comes with some difficult emotions you wouldn't expect.

[stefuge]

mommytoava - I'm so glad you made such good memories on Ava's angelversary. ((Hugs)). And GL with house shopping! It can be stressful but also so rewarding!

[stefuge]

littleowl913 - thinking of you and your family as Ronins birthday approaches. I hope it will be a good day and not too difficult.

***DS1 and Pregnancy mentioned***

ETA - I think your feelings of guilt are totally normal. I know I have days where I struggle with how much time is spent with DS1 and how much we do for him and feeling like I should be splitting time between him and Colton. But then I realize, DS1 is here and completely dependent on DH and i, and Colton isn't. Just like your rainbow baby needs you right now in a way that Ronin doesn't. We are still moms to our angels. And there is still plenty we can do to mother them, but it is different.

[mommytoava]

Sept 2, 2015 23:46:57 GMT -5 wrenofthesea said:

mommytoava, ((hugs)) for making it through Ava's first angelversary. I am glad it was a good experience having the heart made with some of her ashes. We have thought about having something like that made. We live in Western WA and if it was a good experience, maybe we will look up Artful Ashes. Do you mind me asking if they had a website or how you found them?

wrenofthesea, Thank you.  It was a really good experience.  It was very special to have it done on her angelversary, I felt it was a nice way to honor Ava.  I was told about them by another loss mom.  It just so happened we had already planned to visit Seattle so it worked out.   This is their website- www.artfulashes.com/