Intro -All the warnings, Loss, Children, OPP-
Aug 31, 2015 4:58:53 GMT -5
Post by lilmonk on Aug 31, 2015 4:58:53 GMT -5
Hello,
--warning: OPP and newborns, child, graphic loss and procedures mentioned--
I don't know where to start really, I find myself here after an emergency D&C on August 27. I got my BFP on July 20, one day after our two year TFAS anniversary, I would have been what I thought was further along, however they were saying my pregnancy was earlier than what I believed, and because each scan showed progress I remained hopeful. I went into a dating scan on the 24th, and they couldn't detect a heartbeat. They wanted me to have hope that things were just still too early as my blood work was all coming back perfectly, but thinking back I knew.
I went into the emergency room late on the 25th with back pain that was similar to what I had during labour with my DS, and light spotting. But because the earlier ultrasound had found 'perigestational hemorrhaging' they expected me to have spotting, they checked the cervix and it was still closed, so they weren't too worried about it. I was sent home with painkillers for the back pain and orders to rest. The bleeding stopped the next morning, but emotionally I was detached from everything. I called into my work and let them know I needed a leave of absence for family reasons. Around 9-10pm on the 26th, I started bleeding a lot and the back pain was unbearable, I became so nauseated I couldn't stop throwing up. I called the hospital again, because they wanted me back in if this happened. And since my DH was out of town across the country for work, I had MIL here to stay with my DS. My friend 'K' and her DH picked me up and drove me back in where within 20 minutes, I started bleeding so much I soaked a pad almost instantly. I spent 6 hours in the ER with K by my side. I never expected the blood loss to be that much. My blood pressure couldn't stabilise, and dropped at one point to 65/47. It would climb up to 95/65 only to drop within fifteen minutes again. Around 4 am, it stabilised enough around the 95-98/70 mark that they were willing to move me to the women's health unit for monitoring. I was still passing clots the size of my hand, but that had slowed.
As much as I felt like I had made peace with what was happening, I was tortured by being placed in the maternity wing of the unit and surrounded by crying newborns. Was it normal for me to feel that much hatred and anger even though I was only early? I overheard that the ward was filling up and that since I was the only person left with space in my room, they may need to place someone with me. I dreaded the thought of having a still pregnant lady in there or worse, a newborn. I became very emotional and they had the social worker/counselor in to speak to me after the nurses became worried. She made it so I didn't have to share, which I'm forever grateful. It was around 9am that day when the head of the specialist unit came in and started mentioning a possible D&C. As they were leaving, I started bleeding out large clots again, so I was put as top priority for the next available operating room. I was wheeled up at around 11am, an emotional mess. They had two emergency Caesars finishing and so I waited, and as they started to put me under I broke down again. I had the most amazing nurse there, she held my hand and sang to me, she cried with me. I woke up crying as well. They were happy with how the procedure went, and immediately my back pain was minimal. I had to be monitored for blood pressure issues for about 6 hours, but was allowed to be released that evening.
I have to return to the hospital for a follow up soon, but physically I feel okay. Minor bleeding and discomfort but it's expected. Emotionally, I don't think I'm in the best shape. I keep being told "how lucky I was that it was only early... before I got too attached." Or "it's for the best" and "what's happened has happened, you'll move on". Or the "be thankful for you child you already have, he's here now and needs you". I feel like I was expected to just bounce back immediately and not talk about what has happened, I'm not allowed to grieve because of being an early loss. I feel like I switch from okay to not okay in a blink of an eye. I have anxiety and depression, and work in mental health, so I know my warning signs, but I feel like people think I'm being dramatic for wanting to talk to the support system the hospital set up. I feel to blame. Logically I know that it's not true, but I feel like if my health was better, or if I wasn't overweight, or didn't have PCOS, or thyroid issues, or this or that... what if it was that piece of sushi I had, that can of Coke I desperately wanted? What if they were wrong and I had the D&C and ended my pregnancy, why didn't they make me have an ultrasound again just in case there was a HB they missed all the other times? What happens if it takes us another two years and it ends in another loss? My head is not pretty at the moment...I respond to grief by getting tattoos. Probably not the most mature thing to do, but it helps me cope, so that's how I've been handling the bad patches right now. I research designs when I start to spiral.
If you got this far, I want to thank you for reading this jumbled mess at the moment. I am sorry we find ourselves here together, but I hope one day, life won't be so shitty.
--warning: OPP and newborns, child, graphic loss and procedures mentioned--
I don't know where to start really, I find myself here after an emergency D&C on August 27. I got my BFP on July 20, one day after our two year TFAS anniversary, I would have been what I thought was further along, however they were saying my pregnancy was earlier than what I believed, and because each scan showed progress I remained hopeful. I went into a dating scan on the 24th, and they couldn't detect a heartbeat. They wanted me to have hope that things were just still too early as my blood work was all coming back perfectly, but thinking back I knew.
I went into the emergency room late on the 25th with back pain that was similar to what I had during labour with my DS, and light spotting. But because the earlier ultrasound had found 'perigestational hemorrhaging' they expected me to have spotting, they checked the cervix and it was still closed, so they weren't too worried about it. I was sent home with painkillers for the back pain and orders to rest. The bleeding stopped the next morning, but emotionally I was detached from everything. I called into my work and let them know I needed a leave of absence for family reasons. Around 9-10pm on the 26th, I started bleeding a lot and the back pain was unbearable, I became so nauseated I couldn't stop throwing up. I called the hospital again, because they wanted me back in if this happened. And since my DH was out of town across the country for work, I had MIL here to stay with my DS. My friend 'K' and her DH picked me up and drove me back in where within 20 minutes, I started bleeding so much I soaked a pad almost instantly. I spent 6 hours in the ER with K by my side. I never expected the blood loss to be that much. My blood pressure couldn't stabilise, and dropped at one point to 65/47. It would climb up to 95/65 only to drop within fifteen minutes again. Around 4 am, it stabilised enough around the 95-98/70 mark that they were willing to move me to the women's health unit for monitoring. I was still passing clots the size of my hand, but that had slowed.
As much as I felt like I had made peace with what was happening, I was tortured by being placed in the maternity wing of the unit and surrounded by crying newborns. Was it normal for me to feel that much hatred and anger even though I was only early? I overheard that the ward was filling up and that since I was the only person left with space in my room, they may need to place someone with me. I dreaded the thought of having a still pregnant lady in there or worse, a newborn. I became very emotional and they had the social worker/counselor in to speak to me after the nurses became worried. She made it so I didn't have to share, which I'm forever grateful. It was around 9am that day when the head of the specialist unit came in and started mentioning a possible D&C. As they were leaving, I started bleeding out large clots again, so I was put as top priority for the next available operating room. I was wheeled up at around 11am, an emotional mess. They had two emergency Caesars finishing and so I waited, and as they started to put me under I broke down again. I had the most amazing nurse there, she held my hand and sang to me, she cried with me. I woke up crying as well. They were happy with how the procedure went, and immediately my back pain was minimal. I had to be monitored for blood pressure issues for about 6 hours, but was allowed to be released that evening.
I have to return to the hospital for a follow up soon, but physically I feel okay. Minor bleeding and discomfort but it's expected. Emotionally, I don't think I'm in the best shape. I keep being told "how lucky I was that it was only early... before I got too attached." Or "it's for the best" and "what's happened has happened, you'll move on". Or the "be thankful for you child you already have, he's here now and needs you". I feel like I was expected to just bounce back immediately and not talk about what has happened, I'm not allowed to grieve because of being an early loss. I feel like I switch from okay to not okay in a blink of an eye. I have anxiety and depression, and work in mental health, so I know my warning signs, but I feel like people think I'm being dramatic for wanting to talk to the support system the hospital set up. I feel to blame. Logically I know that it's not true, but I feel like if my health was better, or if I wasn't overweight, or didn't have PCOS, or thyroid issues, or this or that... what if it was that piece of sushi I had, that can of Coke I desperately wanted? What if they were wrong and I had the D&C and ended my pregnancy, why didn't they make me have an ultrasound again just in case there was a HB they missed all the other times? What happens if it takes us another two years and it ends in another loss? My head is not pretty at the moment...I respond to grief by getting tattoos. Probably not the most mature thing to do, but it helps me cope, so that's how I've been handling the bad patches right now. I research designs when I start to spiral.
If you got this far, I want to thank you for reading this jumbled mess at the moment. I am sorry we find ourselves here together, but I hope one day, life won't be so shitty.
