This is my pity party thread

[nikkilynn27]

But I really do need some advice.  Based on my random from yesterday, I need to find a therapist or counselor or psychiatrist or whatever.  Here are some of the million questions I have and would appreciate any insight on.

• What the hell is the difference and why are there so many "designations" in the behavioral health field?
  
• My PCP put me on Zoloft about a month ago for PPD so I would really like
  to see someone who can continue to monitor those meds...psychiatrist?
• For those who have been through this, help me.  I feel like I could
  pretty easily just pretend it never happened and go on with life.  But
  then I get moments where I have to know everything and it hurts all over
  again.
• Marriage counseling or individual counseling? 
  
• Is this my fault?  Did I do this?  I know the answers are no and no but I keep thinking of what I could have done differently to keep this from happening.

Sorry for the rambling, I just need to get this all out.

[ashie0610]

I really wish I could give you a huge hug. I don't know the answers to most of your questions, but I do know that this was in no way your fault. There is nothing you could have done differently. You are not responsible for his actions. I'm so sorry you're hurting so much.

[mrscjmb]

Re: counselling. I suggest both. If it works for you to see the same therapist as your H, then you could schedule some joint Appts there.

{{hugs}}

[nikkilynn27]

Jan 27, 2015 9:46:21 GMT -5 mrscjmb said:

Re: counselling. I suggest both. If it works for you to see the same therapist as your H, then you could schedule some joint Appts there.

{{hugs}}

I thought about this...the therapist DH is seeing specializes in marital issues...I was wondering if it was a conflict or something for him to see us as individuals and as a couple.  DH has an appointment tomorrow, I may have him ask.

[windwithfingers]

The only one I can answer is the last one. I dated a guy all through high school until I was 22. We were engaged and everything. I'd bought my dress, we had our venue, we put down a deposit, we'd set our menu, we had our registry and shower dates set. We'd even sent out save-the-dates. We were supposed to get married in August. In January, around the time of the proposal, I'd had an IUD placed. It didn't work out for me, and sex was painful, so I stopped wanting to have it. I think we went without for 3 weeks, then it was a rare occurrence for two more months. In April, on his birthday, I found out he'd been sleeping with someone in one of his classes. Since before he asked me to marry him. When I confronted him, he tried to blame it on me and the lack of sex.

Your situation is different in that your husband knows what he did was wrong and is seeking help. It IS NOT your fault. It was HIS CHOICE to stray outside your marriage and cheat without trying to talk out his issues with you or a counselor. You did absolutely nothing wrong. But this sort of thing really damages confidence and self-worth. You're going to ask these questions no matter what. You know it's not your fault, but that thread of wondering will be there for awhile. You aren't perfect, but no matter what, there is no excuse for what he did. There was nothing you could have done. You're caring for a baby! This was his own selfish choice. You can't go back and you can't change the past, so try not to beat yourself up over what you could have done differently. Pretending it never happened would work like a time bomb. Something will happen, he won't answer his phone, or you'll have a fight, and it will all come rushing back. It has to be dealt with and worked out. It will take time. Maybe a lot of time.

I think marriage AND individual counseling is a good idea. Individual counseling can really help you with these feelings of "was it my fault" and help build yourself back up. There might be things you don't want to talk about in front of your husband or things you just want to be able to rant about without him knowing. I'm a huge proponent of counseling.

I hope something I've said helps. I am so sorry you're going through this. It is the absolute worst way to have your trust shattered. Hugs.

[ss265]

I'm a semi-lurker but I just wanted to tell you that I am so sorry about your situation. I definitely think you should seek counseling for you individually as well as joint sessions for both of you. Don't sweep it under the rug - you need to deal with it in order to move on. This is not your fault but I would have a frank conversation with your husband on why he was looking to cheat. If he's feeling unsatisfied (and not necessarily sexually), he should talk to you and address it with you before looking to cheat. I hope you find some peace with this situation soon.

[nikkilynn27]

windwithfingers - Thank you. I'm sorry you went through this too, it is the worst kind of hurt.

[starla487]

I'd recommend both types of counseling. But perhaps as individuals first to come up with a game plan, or seek referrals, for other counselors to help you as a couple.

No - this is not your fault!

Hugs!

[dorothyzbornak97]

I don't really have any great advice, but I do want to say I'm so sorry you're going through this, and it's not your fault. Hugs to you.

[aurora1181]

I'm so sorry that you are going through this.. it is not your fault. Sending you all the virtual hugs.

[rockynfrankie]

Certainly not your fault. You did not make this happen. Just because things aren't perfect doesn't give one the right to break their marriage vows. Just my 2 cents. Sorry you are going through this.

[mrsbabe614]

Cheating typically happens because of some underlying issue. That's not necessarily your fault because it's probably just a failure in communication and also you H obviously has some issues with self worth. He needs to find validation from these women. Stop stop stop torturing yourself with the details, because that's all you're doing with it. Yeah it probably will hurt for a while. Just when you think you're over it BOOM some bitch comments on his wall on facebook etc and it hits you like a brick. I want to tell you that it's obvious your H cares about you and this is his shit that he needs to work on. You should see a therapist (psychologist administers medication but some therapists work with doctors for your medication, just ask) for yourself and you guys should take marriage counseling together. I think that if you haven't already, you need to dump on him all of the things that it's made you feel. Do not hide your pain from him, he should fucking see the anguish that he's caused you. Seriously...all of your crying, heartache etc; share it with him. Don't feel like you need to hold back, feel everything you feel and say everything you think. For what it's worth it sounds to me like you are both on the right path to fixing your marriage and I know it hurts like hell right now and you have no idea who this person is that you married but I promise that he's still there. If you both do it right, things will be better than they were before. Hang in there! You will get through this. Like someone said before, marriage is so hard. Don't be so hard on yourself. ((hugs))

[nikkilynn27]

Jan 27, 2015 10:22:08 GMT -5 mrsbabe614 said:

Cheating typically happens because of some underlying issue. That's not necessarily your fault because it's probably just a failure in communication and also you H obviously has some issues with self worth. He needs to find validation from these women. Stop stop stop torturing yourself with the details, because that's all you're doing with it. Yeah it probably will hurt for a while. Just when you think you're over it BOOM some bitch comments on his wall on facebook etc and it hits you like a brick. I want to tell you that it's obvious your H cares about you and this is his shit that he needs to work on. You should see a therapist (psychologist administers medication but some therapists work with doctors for your medication, just ask) for yourself and you guys should take marriage counseling together. I think that if you haven't already, you need to dump on him all of the things that it's made you feel. Do not hide your pain from him, he should fucking see the anguish that he's caused you. Seriously...all of your crying, heartache etc; share it with him. Don't feel like you need to hold back, feel everything you feel and say everything you think. For what it's worth it sounds to me like you are both on the right path to fixing your marriage and I know it hurts like hell right now and you have no idea who this person is that you married but I promise that he's still there. If you both do it right, things will be better than they were before. Hang in there! You will get through this. Like someone said before, marriage is so hard. Don't be so hard on yourself. ((hugs))

Thank you  

[mrsl]

I'm sorry you're going through this. Regarding the medication, if you see a therapist, she might be able to make recommendations and talk to your PCP about what she thinks will work best for you.

[mrsbabe614]

Jan 27, 2015 10:29:09 GMT -5 nikkilynn27 said:

Jan 27, 2015 10:22:08 GMT -5 mrsbabe614 said:

Cheating typically happens because of some underlying issue. That's not necessarily your fault because it's probably just a failure in communication and also you H obviously has some issues with self worth. He needs to find validation from these women. Stop stop stop torturing yourself with the details, because that's all you're doing with it. Yeah it probably will hurt for a while. Just when you think you're over it BOOM some bitch comments on his wall on facebook etc and it hits you like a brick. I want to tell you that it's obvious your H cares about you and this is his shit that he needs to work on. You should see a therapist (psychologist administers medication but some therapists work with doctors for your medication, just ask) for yourself and you guys should take marriage counseling together. I think that if you haven't already, you need to dump on him all of the things that it's made you feel. Do not hide your pain from him, he should fucking see the anguish that he's caused you. Seriously...all of your crying, heartache etc; share it with him. Don't feel like you need to hold back, feel everything you feel and say everything you think. For what it's worth it sounds to me like you are both on the right path to fixing your marriage and I know it hurts like hell right now and you have no idea who this person is that you married but I promise that he's still there. If you both do it right, things will be better than they were before. Hang in there! You will get through this. Like someone said before, marriage is so hard. Don't be so hard on yourself. ((hugs))

Thank you  

You are welcome. Feel free to PM me if you need to complain. Sometimes you just need to hear it to believe what you already know :-)

[ajh1230]

((Hugs)) I agree with the pp, try individual counseling first to explore your feelings and how you want to move forward then try counseling together. I'm sorry you have to juggle baby and this.

[ohioloveyou]

Just want to add that this is certainly not your fault. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this, but there is nothing you could have or should have done differently. You keep being you. I hope you figure out how you can find some peace.

[nicb13]

I would do individual counseling and then couples counseling. My SIL is doing this for the same reason The individual counseling is where you can sort through your feelings and decide if you want to continue this relationship or not. Sometimes once the trust is broken, it can't be fixed. A counselor can help you sort that out.

I was given Zoloft for PPD by a Psychiatrist but now my PCP monitors it. Usually you have to either have your PCP or a Psychiatrist monitor meds. Not a therapist or a counselor. From what I know, Psychiatrists basically have the rights to prescribe meds but counselors and therapists are the ones you can dump on and talk to. Hope that helps.

THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT IN ANY WAY, SHAPE OR FORM. I'm so sorry this is happening. Hugs.

[applegrape]

Jan 27, 2015 9:14:42 GMT -5 nikkilynn27 said:

But I really do need some advice.  Based on my random from yesterday, I need to find a therapist or counselor or psychiatrist or whatever.  Here are some of the million questions I have and would appreciate any insight on.

• What the hell is the difference and why are there so many "designations" in the behavioral health field?
  
• My PCP put me on Zoloft about a month ago for PPD so I would really like
  to see someone who can continue to monitor those meds...psychiatrist?
• For those who have been through this, help me.  I feel like I could
  pretty easily just pretend it never happened and go on with life.  But
  then I get moments where I have to know everything and it hurts all over
  again.
• Marriage counseling or individual counseling? 
  
• Is this my fault?  Did I do this?  I know the answers are no and no but I keep thinking of what I could have done differently to keep this from happening.

Sorry for the rambling, I just need to get this all out.

The bolded made me so sad, I teared up.  Hon, I just want to hug you.  The answers are unquestionable, emphatic nos to both.

[nikkilynn27]

All the feels...you ladies are amazing. Thank you. I'm still looking for a therapist but I WILL find someone.

[Jennifer18131]

The one thing I'll add to the great advice everyone has given is to get your own counselor for your individual. There may be a conflict of interest but personally, I felt better when my therapist wasn't talking one on one with my ex.

We're here for you.

[mrsc928]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I completely agree with PP's. Once you find a therapist to connect with you will be able to work out your feelings and it will help to give you clarity. I have done years of therapy in the past and it works best when you find a therapist you can trust and has a similar life philosophy to you. They partnered with my PCP on my meds. It is not your fault and this will pass.

[keelyd]

PPs have said all I could, but I just want to say it is absolutely NOT your fault. ::all the hugs::

[angnjon]

I agree with what the PP have stated, this is in no way your fault! Find someone to speak with ASAP, make it your priority number one. You have a huge burden on your shoulders & the therapist will help you start chipping away at it. I wish you all the best & healing energy! Hugs!

[syllessa]

Survivinginfidelity.com is a wonderful place for getting support. Both for the victim and a cheater who really wants to fix things. The healing library is a good place to start.

[lrobi13]

You have already gotten loads of thoughtful advice. Since getting pregnant my brain has always had me wondering what I would do if DH cheated on me, especially now that there is a child involved. I honestly have no clue what I would do.

What I do know I that being human is hard. And trying to circumnavigate your own feeling along with a partner and children sometimes feels impossible. How is it our job to make sure everyone is happy all the time?

I am glad you are taking some proactive steps to figure out how to move forward. You are a strong woman and I really hope whatever is on the other side of the blip of time in your life is better than you can imagine.

Good luck and know that we have your back!

[happyin14]

I am so sorry you are going through this. Not having your partner to talk to when this is happening is almost the hardest part. You want to turn to him, at least partially, I am sure.

My experience is slightly different but I highly recommend individual counseling. You need a space where you can let things out and sort through how you feel and it should be safe. You guys can probably have the same therapist for any and all of it as long as you both are comfortable. Therapists generally defer to the patient.

I went to a therapist when my parents divorced (this IS relevant) because my dad was cheating. She was actually THEIR marriage counselor as well. It helped for me to speak to someone who knew them and the situation. There was additional insight that a new therapist wouldn't have. But I did worry about secrets...

Now I am going to a grief counselor and have been for just over a year. Among other things, it helped when MH and I would hit rocky places along the way. I wouldn't have wanted to share though. I was working very hard to "take care" of MH - he lost his son and his parents so I felt like he needed it. So this was time for me. Just me.

I wonder about you having your own. There will be a lot of energy put into helping your husband. The rules. Checking in. Whatever it is. You may really want your own place that he isn't part of.

Hugs. Marriage is really hard work - for everyone. It's not your "fault"... It doesn't even sound like HE blames you so why add that to yourself? (And if he did, he'd be wrong.). If you can, try not to worry about fault and blame. Focus on where you want to go from here - wherever that is- and work to get there.

[darwinfish]

Def a psychiatrist for meds. S/he may change the Zoloft also since psychiatric meds are their specialty. PCPs prescribe whatever they are most comfortable with, so you may not be getting the right med for you.

[itspbjellytime]

You have already gotten tons of amazing info from all the ladies, so I wanted to answer your first question. A psychiatrist went to med school and prescribes meds. A psychologist has a doctorates and typically tests and diagnoses, a therapist has generally a master's and of course does therapy, a counselor may or may not have a degree in the field. Different states may have slightly different designations, but just general rule of thumb. Typically if you go to a therapist they will refer you to someone if they feel you need testing or meds. Hope that helps. And my T&Ps are with you.

[saragw]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I hope you can get into counseling soon and that it is truly helpful.