advice needed (loss mentioned)

[bshelly]

My very best friend just told me she's pregnant! So exciting! She miscarried last fall and is very anxious. I want to be encouraging, but also want to be mindful of how she's feeling. Any specific things to avoid saying or things that are helpful? Thank you in advance.

[Deleted]

Congrats to her!

Let her lead the way. Give her opportunities to talk about how she is feeling and listen and hold space for her. Most of her issues will not be fixable, but it's helpful to have someone who can listen and empathize and not try to fix.

Please do not tell her to calm down, or stay calm, or not to worry. Any variation on that theme makes me stabby and very non-calm. We all want to be calm, it's just incredibly difficult after a loss and I'm sure she's trying.

Recognize that she may still miss her lost baby and affirm for her that that's ok - she can be excited for this pregnancy and still mourn the last.

Know her loss milestones (when she found out or lost the baby last time) and try to provide extra support during that time. Celebrate other milestones with her, like each new week.

I hope you enjoy being pregnant together!!

[ashslatts24]

@officedronette gave great advice!

[valigrl21]

Everything @officedronette said. Especially the part about telling her "Don't worry, it's going to be ok". I had a lot of anxiety with my third pregnancy because I had experienced my second loss just a few months prior. My dad had really good intentions but he kept saying things like "I promise, it's going to be ok." "I know it's all going to work out this time". It made me very angry because I thought "oh, like you knew last time it was going to end in a miscarriage but you didn't tell me??"

No one knows it's going to be a rainbow pregnancy, until mama is holding her rainbow in her arms. Just let her vent as she needs and offer a shoulder to cry on or hug.

[bshelly]

Thank you, @officedronette & valigrl21. This is her third pregnancy (she has a son who will be two in March) and has gotten a lot of, "at least you already have one at home." I will definitely keep these tips in mind.

[Deleted]

Jan 27, 2015 15:57:28 GMT -5 bshelly said:

Thank you, @officedronette & valigrl21. This is her third pregnancy (she has a son who will be two in March) and has gotten a lot of, "at least you already have one at home." I will definitely keep these tips in mind.

Oy.  I know people want to be helpful, but gosh those comments can hurt because they're so dismissive.  I don't have any at home, but it's equivalent for me has been "at least you know you can conceive."  

Loss sucks.  Grief sucks.  Why is it so difficult for people to simply say "I'm so sorry"?  

[valigrl21]

Jan 27, 2015 15:57:28 GMT -5 bshelly said:

Thank you, @officedronette & valigrl21. This is her third pregnancy (she has a son who will be two in March) and has gotten a lot of, "at least you already have one at home." I will definitely keep these tips in mind.

Oh yes, that also belongs on the "what not to say" list.

You sound like a very good friend for being so considerate of her feelings.

[chelseamp11]

I have a daer friend who is (knock on wood) finally getting her rainbow baby after 3 miscarraiges, so I've been in your shoes before.

She's likely terrified. Don't belittle it at all, just be there for her. REmind her you are there for her and try to be positive without being "oh everything will be fine, I promise" positive.

[luckystar]

There is some really good advice here. I think there are a lot of well meaning default things to say to pregnant women, and women who haven't experienced a loss would typically find the comments innocuous, but after a loss things are different. "Everything will be fine/ stop worrying/ etc." are those kind of phrases. Offering up excitement and a listening ear is the best thing you can do. You are a really considerate friend.

[bshelly]

Jan 27, 2015 16:01:32 GMT -5 @officedronette said:

Jan 27, 2015 15:57:28 GMT -5 bshelly said:

Thank you, @officedronette & valigrl21. This is her third pregnancy (she has a son who will be two in March) and has gotten a lot of, "at least you already have one at home." I will definitely keep these tips in mind.

Oy.  I know people want to be helpful, but gosh those comments can hurt because they're so dismissive.  I don't have any at home, but it's equivalent for me has been "at least you know you can conceive."  

Loss sucks.  Grief sucks.  Why is it so difficult for people to simply say "I'm so sorry"?  

We had a long talk this past weekend about this kind of stuff. We haven't had a loss, but had difficulty on the conceiving side of things. People are just very insensitive. I'm not sure when asking and commenting about what's happening inside a woman's uterus became acceptable.

[bkml]

I had a friend who recently had a miscarriage and we both agreed there isn't much you can say. I never KNEW anyone who miscarried and I was just there for her if she needed to talk. She did get pregnant again and this baby is healthy and growing (yay!). That other pregnancy just wasn't meant to be. Nothing she could have done differently. And we have said that even though we will never know if it was a girl or a boy, she will forever have an angel looking over her whole family.

There are good days and bad. When she needs to vent or cry, I listen. And when she is excited (last appointment the baby is growing and the doctor is confident), I celebrate with her. Its like anything else in life. Its what friendship is. Annnnnnnnd I'm being sappy.

[kellyinhb]

I don't know if you feel comfortable offering this kind of advice, but the PgAL mantras really helped me, especially this one:

• I'm pregnant today, and I love this baby.

Also, I second NOT telling her not to worry.  Especially, avoid saying something like worrying could actually hurt the baby/cause miscarriage.  I'm sure you wouldn't, but it's amazing how many people said something similar to me having gotten pg after my miscarriage.  It implies that it's something she may have done (worry too much) that hurt her baby.

[Deleted]

I would actually caution against the "it wasn't meant to be" unless you know for certain that would comfort your friend. I also found that incredibly dismissive and hurtful.

Same for "there's nothing you could have done." Granted I am a somewhat unique case, but all indication is that my losses were caused not by something being wrong with the baby, but by something in my body attacking the developing baby and preventing it from growing. Thankfully there ARE things I can do to treat it. So I find that, again, dismissive of what has been my experience, but know that some people do find it helpful. I just would never say that personally, and would caution against saying it unless you're certain it will be received well.

[ashtog]

you have gotten some really excellent advice here and you sound like a very compassionate friend, I am sure your friend is lucky to have you.
I can't stress enough how much "don't worry, everything will be ok this time etc " drives me crazy. you never know, sadly. I would stick more with "I am so sorry that you are feeling that way, remember today you are pregnant and love your baby." and other mantras like "this pregnancy is different than the last and won't necessarily have the same outcome" maybe introduce her to pb and the carrying a rainbow board?