Feeling crushed and not sure how to deal

[Aaemommy]

H just said he's not willing to take off work to go with me to the first doctor visit. They'll be doing a confirmation us and I'm devastated he won't be there. I hate how work always comes first. I know he's trying to provide for us but it really hurts.

[Deleted]

Does he know how much you want him there? Have you told him why you want him there? Do you know why he doesn't feel the need to go?

[partyinmytummy]

I would feel the same way, especially if the work over family thing is a recurring issue. I'm sorry.

[Aaemommy]

He just didn't want to use the personal day. Which I guess I understand. I'm just disappointed. It's just his work schedule... He never gets home until after DS is in bed in the evenings and also frequently works on weekends. I feel bad because he's exhausted but he hardly ever spends time with DS. And now he's missing this appointment with the new baby.

[Sammich_Cat]

I understand the pressure to be at work and look committed so I don't get passed over for promotions and such, and generally feeling guilty to skip work even for something important. I didn't understand until after I went part time and comments starting getting made - so you may not know how he's feeling.

On the other hand, IMO this is one of those important times in life that he'll never get back if he misses it. Especially if you only have two or three ultrasounds per pregnancy, I think he should at least try to go to them. It's bonding time he's skipping IMO. Maybe he can work overtime on the weekend to make up for taking the day off so he doesn't feel he is slacking at work.

I would definitely try to start a conversation to understand where he's coming from and so he can understand how you feel.

[Sammich_Cat]

Sept 21, 2015 21:40:45 GMT -5 Aaemommy said:

He just didn't want to use the personal day. Which I guess I understand. I'm just disappointed. It's just his work schedule... He never gets home until after DS is in bed in the evenings and also frequently works on weekends. I feel bad because he's exhausted but he hardly ever spends time with DS. And now he's missing this appointment with the new baby.

*poof*

[Deleted]

Sept 21, 2015 21:49:04 GMT -5 Sammich_Cat said:

I would definitely try to start a conversation to understand where he's coming from and so he can understand how you feel.

So much this.

[shadesofgold]

Agree with PP - I think you need to clearly communicate why this is important and how you feel about him missing. It sounds like this is a deep-seeded issue that can only fester if not addressed. As Sammich_Cat said, this is a moment he can never get back. On the same token, I really needed MH there to help me deal with my anxiety, help remember the answers I got to my questions (you remember very little on your own, it turns out) or celebrate with you.

***loss mentioned below***
When I went for my first appointment with my first pregnancy, we got really bad news. I broke down. I wouldn't have been able to get through it - let alone get myself home in one piece - without MH there. Not that you should play the worst case scenario card to guilt him into coming - I think there are plenty of valid reasons he should come without that - but another angle I'm sorry he isn't considering.

[babycaps]

Can you arrange for the appt to be first thing in the morning or later in the day so he can just miss part of the work day?

[KirstenAlecia]

Im with shadesofgold on this one for the same reasons.

My H wasn't with me at the first appt & u/s with our first pregnancy. Thank God I had his mom with me. I didn't bring her because i needed the support i figured it would be fun to allow her to see her first grandchild on the monitor and see the little heartbeat. We both realized this time that the appt was too important for him not to be there. We are not trying to scare you, but, for all the good reasons and the possible scary ones, he needs to be there if you can reason with him.

Good luck and lots of ((hugs))

[westiemom]

I'm sorry you are in this situation. My DH is similar in the fact that he won't miss because he doesn't get paid if he doesn't go. It took a few very bad appts for him to realize how much I needed him there. I wish I had a solution. Hugs!

[Aaemommy]

Thanks ladies. A little clarification- he's a teacher so he gets limited time off. Only 2 personal days per year. I'm sure he's thinking he wants to save them until after the baby comes. Which I get. He works after school in the front office until 6 almost every day, and part time on the weekends. So he doesn't get to choose his schedule. We're both still early in our careers, and we're both private school teachers so our income is pretty modest- not low enough to qualify for any sort of aid but low enough that these extra hours are needed for essentials. Vacation/ frilly things aren't even in the picture. His extra income usually goes to groceries. I made the appointment for 8am on a day their school has mass, hoping he'd be able to get someone to cover his class and not loose any time and be there for at least the US even if he wasn't there for the rest of the appointment. But he didn't think that would work. So... I don't really know what to do. I guess put on my big girl panties and do it myself.

[Ruca]

I would totally feel the same way, I'm sorry ((HUGS)). Could he not work in the office after school for one day so he could come to the first appointment? Maybe that'd be more doable?

[helloerrbody]

I'm sorry. MH wasn't sure he could come to my first u/s because he was out at a client that day. After we talked about how important it was to me, he did make it work, but he left right after the u/s and I stayed to meet with my doctor. That was totally fine with me. Maybe y'all can do something like this?

[cbowl]

I'm sorry that your H is not able to make it to your u/s. That being said, I can see his perspective as well...especially since he has such limited time off...it would probably be much better used for after the baby arrives. Perhaps you can find someone else to go with you for support.

I'm sure your H is disappointed to not be able to attend as well. I know it can feel like he's choosing work over family but it doesn't seem like he even has a choice in the matter given his hours and limited time off.

[Deleted]

I'm with cbowl on this one. I'm sorry you're upset and all, but if he only gets two days off I can think of a lot of things I would want to use those two days for and none of them are the confirmation/dating u/s.

[tincupchalice]

Sept 22, 2015 8:32:20 GMT -5 cbowl said:

I'm sorry that your H is not able to make it to your u/s. That being said, I can see his perspective as well...especially since he has such limited time off...it would probably be much better used for after the baby arrives. Perhaps you can find someone else to go with you for support.

I'm sure your H is disappointed to not be able to attend as well. I know it can feel like he's choosing work over family but it doesn't seem like he even has a choice in the matter given his hours and limited time off.

I think this is where the communication comes into play.

My DH's job can be exceedingly demanding.  It's not uncommon for them to need to work 20 hour days for two weeks straight sometimes.  However, I know that we are DH's priority, and if he doesn't HAVE to be at work, he will come home and be with us.  So even when he can't come and be with us, I know it's not because he's just being a workaholic, like some of his coworkers.

Also, as a teacher, taking time off was always WAY more work than people think.

[snoris]

I think PPs have this covered, I just wanted to say sorry you're going through this & that your feelings are hurt Aaemommy. I hope it works out & you can come to an understanding.

[Aaemommy]

Thanks for the perspectives ladies! Now that I've had some time to digest it, I'm feeling better. We hadn't planned on telling anyone until after this appointment so I don't know who else could go. If I have MIL (in town) go I'm afraid I will upset my mom (out of town). Ugh drama... DNW that.