TTMA Post-Birth Awkwardness

[nobb14]

Hey guys!

Everyone is always so knowledgeable here. I don't know if anyone can have concrete advice for me because of how different every foster/adoption situation is, but I thought I would give it a shot...

Our lovely EM is due sometime in the next two weeks, with a likely induction next week. We will be in the room for delivery. However, getting a private room post birth isn't gaurunteed- and I don't just mean for DH and I, I mean for our birth mother and us- we could potentially be sharing one big room with other mothers. I know that nothing in this process should suprise or shock me, but this really stresses me out; it's going to be such an emotional time for everyone, and I hate the idea of other people on the fringe, in our room, even if their focus isn't on us.

With this in mind, I also can't sort out what an appropriate level of contact will be for all of us in this situation. The birth mother goes back and forth about whether she wants to see the child immediately post-birth/prior to discharge, and obviously we want as much time with the baby as possible while still remaining respectful of the BM. I just imagine this all happening while in one big room, and feel an immediate sense of panic.

In the event that we are all in one big room with other people, would it be poor etiquette for MH and I to stick to the waiting room to create a boundary? And if the birth mother wants time with the baby, should we not be present? How much separation should we shoot for? We have agreed to a very open adoption after placement, but I am concerned about keeping everyone happy in the hospital...

Any insight would be amazing.

[lbey]

For the room, Can you request a private room for BM? Maybe at some extra cost?
I have a very close friend who just welcomed her baby through adoption. She got a hotel near by the hospital and played by ear what the BM wanted. I know she stepped back and let BM have all the time with Baby while in the hospital, but BM wanted it. BMs family was also at the hospital so my friend let them have a family time...

[lizblue]

Will her social worker be present? R's birthparents had an amazing SW who guided us throughout the day, asking when they needed time alone, facilitating awesome conversations by asking all of us questions. Her whole job was to take care of them. The birthparents did not say goodbye to R in front of us and were not there when we took custody (which we completely understood).

Following the BM's lead is important and you'll feel it when you get there I think. We had a private room but honestly, everything just narrows down to this completely surreal and overwhelming time and I think you'll be ok no matter what. I hesitate to compare our experience to anyone else's but it's similar to so many others I have heard and read about.

This is exciting! Best of luck to you all and sending lots of loving thoughts

[nobb14]

I'm not sure how involved the social worker will be. Our expectations have been set pretty low by our agency consultant, so I'm thinking if anyone is there to support BM it would be her more than the hospital social worker. Our consultant's advice was to basically keep our distance and check in with BM via text every few hours- but this was at a time when BM did not want any time with the baby, so I'm curious if this level of contact should change now that she seems to have an interest.


I want to protect our BM and feel that having the three of us together plus baby would just make for a difficult situation all around. My gut is for all of us to have our separate time with baby to ease tension and allow for raw feeling. It seems that, without a private room (unfortunately we can't even pay for this, it's a small inner city hospital) the baby will spend most of his time in the nursery, so with some coordination this may be possible, but I don't want BM to feel like we are "done with her." We care about her very much and just want to respect her space, I just think it'll be hard for her to see us interacting as parents with the child pre-discharge.

[pinkie]

So I'll share our experiences and my advice going through this twice

Both times our boys BMs had private rooms so this wasn't an issue.

Both times we went to the hospital with little expectations of how much time we would spend with the baby and EM. We looked at it as we were visitors and we would do whatever the EM wanted. We did not stay at the hospital, we stayed at a hotel. We texted with both EMs to coordinate logistics before going to the hospital.

For our older son, his BM wanted to check out early. She spent the first day with us and the baby and she really wanted us to be with the baby.

For our younger son his BM stayed in the hospital until the baby was discharged. She had many visitors and we tried to not intrude but she really wanted us there.

My advice (and again this is just my perspective) is to have 0 expectations at the hospital. This is the time for the birth family to spend with the baby. Take the EMs lead. If she wants time alone with the baby let her have it. I also would consider getting a hotel room outside of the hospital. I know you want to be near the baby but 1) you can get some rest before being sleep deprived and 2) it gives you a place to be. This is a very tough and emotional time for everyone so try to not stress about the logistics .

I'll go back and read your post again and see if I missed anything.

I am a little surprised that you said no social worker would be around. Our agency had assigned a social worker in both cases (happened to be the same lady) and she was at the hospital on and off. I'd ask your agency if someone will be there and if not why.

[pinkie]

Ok I read again

I forgot to add that the hospital told us we could have private time with our sons in the nursery. It was a little weird as there isn't a ton of room in there but the staff was nice and made it as comfortable as possible for us.

[nobb14]

pinkie there will be a social worker there; I just don't know how involved she really will be as the impression we were given is to not expect too much from her. Alternatively, our BM gets very overwhelmed with new people and is a pretty private person, so we are working under the assumption she will be more interactive with our consultant (who she has dealt with for months) than the social worker who she just will have met- i know that we can communicate with the social worker, but I'm thinking the consultant will do the bulk of the navigating.


Everyone has given really good insight and plenty for us to consider. We are lucky that we will be staying with friends nearby, so we can definitely get our space out of the hospital when necessary.

[pinkie]

Oct 1, 2015 10:40:15 GMT -5 nobb14 said:

pinkie there will be a social worker there; I just don't know how involved she really will be as the impression we were given is to not expect too much from her. Alternatively, our BM gets very overwhelmed with new people and is a pretty private person, so we are working under the assumption she will be more interactive with our consultant (who she has dealt with for months) than the social worker who she just will have met- i know that we can communicate with the social worker, but I'm thinking the consultant will do the bulk of the navigating.


Everyone has given really good insight and plenty for us to consider. We are lucky that we will be staying with friends nearby, so we can definitely get our space out of the hospital when necessary.

Oh ok that's good!

Feel free to ask me anything even by pm if you don't want to post. We have done this twice. I know every experience is different but I'm happy to give advice or a perspective if you want one

[lizblue]

nobb14 does your agency not provide a SW for you both? R's BM had her SW from our agency there- not the hospital SW.

I echo pinkie- follow BMs lead and give space. Try not to assume how she's feeling because you really don't know how it will go. Walking into the room was one of the scariest things I've ever done- my knees were weak. But it was a beautiful thing. Not easy, but very special.

I'll be thinking of you all!

[nobb14]

lizblue thanks! And, nope. We get one social worker- and it seems their only purpose is to make sure that the doctor team and staff are aware of the adoption, not necessarily for support. BM and MH and I share a consultant that works with the agency who should be there at delivery and post birth to hopefully help things go smoothly.


We received an update this morning that BM wants to see us bond with baby, all of us in a private room if it's available. It'll be what it be, I guess. I'm trying too hard to make sense of something that can go a million different ways and I just need to stop spinning... Ugh.

[lizblue]

It's hard nobb14. What you are anticipating is the moment that is the epitome of what is so hard about all of this, yanno? In some ways it was good that we had less than 24 hours notice to meet everyone or I would have been spinning out in the same way. It will flow- in whatever way it can. And you have your entire future together to make it better and better.

[pinkie]

Our older son's BM also really wanted to see us with the baby. I worried about if it would be awkward but honestly everything was great. I also always thought I would be so emotional meeting our child but I think the stress plus exhaustion from travel kinda wiped me of emotion. We all were just very calm and at peace and spent the day getting to know each other.

Try not to over think it - I know easier said than done

I am having serious flashbacks (again) to last year - our baby boy was also due in early to mid October

[nobb14]

pinkie that gives me immense comfort. In all of my anxiety I never once imagined it may feel natural... Which is crazy considering we've met our BM and get along famously! The stress is making me a crazy person. Trying to enjoy the ride but maaaan its intense.

[chicago]

nobb14 ... We didn't have the same situation as you, but we also had no idea as to what to expect (e.g. If we would get to have our own room). All I can advise is to allow your EM/BM to decide what she wants.
We let and offered the birth mother as much time with us or alone with our (now) daughter.
At one stage (the last day) our BM requested some alone time with the baby, we happily obliged. Our agency director then called to check on things and expressed her concern that the BM was still in the hospital and seemed to be very connected to the baby. This put some doubt and worry on us. However, at the same time ... She was placing her trust in us to be parents and fulfill our promises ... We should assume the same of her. She texted a couple of hours later Saying that she was ready and that we can come back to her room.
Anyway, all that's to say is that you should focus on what she wants and be flexible ...
Sorry, bit of a ramble on my part ...

[browneyes8]

Not much to add, but echoing what everyone said about following EM's lead....experiences from our two adoptions...

For our first adoption we stayed in the room with BM with myself and H taking primary care of DS. BM did also spend time caring for him, holding him. I slept there both nights and we both slept there the second night. That time (+ accompanying photos) are precious to me. Yes at times it was a little awkward but all and all it was a special time.

For our second adoption we unfortunately didn't arrive at hospital until a day after DS2 was born. We had our own room and BM was not up for meeting us at that time so DS2 stayed with us (had spent first day in nursery). I slept there that night while H and DS1 slept at hotel and returned next morning. 

Our agency was national so both times we just had hospital social worker supporting BM on site with calls from the agency SWs supporting BM and us. It worked out okay.

Good luck, as you know every situation is different and can change- so sending you go with the flow vibes and a positive experience!

[nobb14]

Thanks guys! This is all really helpful. I feel better prepared now.

[packerfan4life]

I agree with having zero expectations and following EM's needs. Initially our agency said L's birthmom wanted me in the c-section, the day before she decided to have her caseworker instead, which jn retrospect I am so happy about. I'm glad she got to meet her daughter without us there. We came when the agency called and luckily got our first moments privately in the nursery with her. We visited birth mom when she wanted us to (our agency recommends only to visit with the caseworker present, which I understand but if I were to change one thing it would be to ignore that rule). We hung out in the nursery during the day (I'm not sure if birth mom knew we were there) and whenever birth mom wanted her we sent her to the room without us and we just spent time with her when she would have been in the nursery alone anyways.

If we were to do it again I'd have spent less time at the hosptial. I think it's so important for the birth family to have as much time with the baby as they desire and I feel like adoptive parents being there can make that harder for them.