Trying not to take this personally.........

[mrswheelo]

LC mentioned. Not mine.............Siggy warning......




I have a friend that I'm not close with. We are in very loose casual contact. A little background.....


She left her husband for another man 6 months ago. They have a 1 year old daughter together. She then went into a second childhood phase of drinking/partying.  She and "the other guy" were on/off for about 3-4 months. Enter into the picture Guy #2 since the split. She proceedes to date both guys off/on before settling on Guy #2 about 1 month ago.  she recently had the family photographer take pictures of her, Guy#2, & her daughter for "family photos". 

I will not try to deny that I strongly disagree (but keep to myself) with her recent life choices. She has developed an unhealthy need for attention, posting all of her crap/relationship drama on facebook.  


Thats easy to ignore, athough immature. But recently, she went too far and I'm having trouble being sympathetic towards her. And I feel awful. She posted that she was pregnant and 12 hours later was in the hospital due to it being an ectopic pregnancy. Of course that is a terrible thing to go through. But.... she is making it hard for me to see her as anything but an attention seeking child! While in the hospital,  she and Guy#2 posted several check in's with selfies of them smiling with her in the hospital bed. I can't help but remember how devastated I felt when I was in the hospital losing my children. The last thing I wanted to do was check-in and take a fucking selfie with my husband! 


I know that ectopic pregnancy can be life threatening.  But she is posting tons of statuses about how she almost died and she doesn't know how she will recover from such a horrible loss. She even went as far as to tell everyone that the egg blocked her tube and contained some of the bleeding. And I quote " so the baby basically sacrificed it's own life so I could live". 


I am doing my best not to compare my loss to hers, but her ignorance is making me sick. I'm actually angry at her! How could she use a failed pregnancy to get likes on facebook! ? Now she is post in everything she can about October being infant loss awareness month & I just want to scream! I have a difficult time relating to that type of loss anyway.  if she really feels that she lost "a baby", then why would she be posting such ridiculous statuses? Or pictures of her posing in her hospital gown!? 


My husband is even more upset by this than I am. I know everyone grieves differently & maybe this is her way.  But am I just being mean or is she being ignorant and childish? 


ETA: Words weren't excluding feelings propr rly

[heartpresidents]

I didn't respond when I first read this because I wasn't in a good place so didn't have much "be the better person" advice...but I still don't. So I thought I'd reply and say I'm with you and your husband. This woman is ridiculous. I'd unfollow her at the very least, or unfriend her. I hate her.

[mrswheelo]

It just makes me so sad and so angry to see loss exploited this way. I wasn't sure if my personal feelings were making me feel that way or if it was as ridiculous as I thought.

I'm trying hard to be the bigger person, so I haven't made any comments outside of here or to my husband. She has been unfollowed so that I don't have to see any more theatrics.

I hope you are doing well though. I haven't been here in a while.

[murrt]

I'm with heartpresidents, I hate her. Please unfriend her.

I've had people telling me "I'm sorry for your loss, it happened to me too." When, what they are referring to is a chemical pregnancy or a miscarriage at 3 weeks. No, it didn't happen to them, not the same way. When they do this, I tell them that (in my own way) and they usually end up feeling bad that they tried to compare.

Everyone's experience is different. I perceive what I would deem as "better" or "worse" losses than mine. I feel like it's natural to have an initial reaction of comparing before you can adjust. And with this lady, she's just an asshat and it makes me feel like she doesn't have a clue about what loss really is.

When it comes to this lady, no....just no.

[mrswheelo]

Thank you murrt. It's so hard not to compare. DH doesn't consider this a loss at all and feels she is disrespecting those who have suffered "real" loss. I am trying to be understanding. I just can't get past the attitude in which she talks about it. It's like she's a member of a cool club or something. It hurt to see her talk about it that way, knowing what it feels like to have lost a child myself. She is no longer on my friends list. She isn't a good person to have in my life right now. Maybe ever.

[murrt]

mrswheelo,I think it's OK to compare and be angry. I get angry at every person who tells me they understand when they had a chemical pregnancy or a loss at 3 weeks or something. I have the addition of having to go through fertility treatments to get pregnant, so I get mad at anyone who gets pregnant easily and AWs all over the place about their easy conception. It's natural. And it's OK.

[heartpresidents]

Oct 5, 2015 2:15:07 GMT -5 mrswheelo said:

It just makes me so sad and so angry to see loss exploited this way. I wasn't sure if my personal feelings were making me feel that way or if it was as ridiculous as I thought.

I'm trying hard to be the bigger person, so I haven't made any comments outside of here or to my husband. She has been unfollowed so that I don't have to see any more theatrics.

I hope you are doing well though. I haven't been here in a while.

Maybe it's our personal experience making us react that way, but I think that's ok. If my loss changes my perspective of what I consider "difficult" there's nothing I can do about that. I do the same thing to myself, I'm much less likely to get upset about things  I now consider minor. So my patience for those who carry on about relatively minor things is also less.

Otherwise, I'm doing pretty well, thanks! How have you been, outside of the facebook person we hate?

[flutterfly88]

I understand that you're feeling hurt by her postings and if I was in your place I probably would too. But I do want to say that from having an outside perspective, I can see how her postings could be a way of masking how much she is really hurting. Before Parker, I had an early loss and although the pain and grief weren't as intense, it was still there. Her loss may be different, but it is still a "real" loss. I once heard someone say "a person's greatest pain, is their greatest pain". So I don't think we need to compare our hurts. I think the best thing you did to protect yourself was to remove her from your facebook.

[shandorfml2]

I understand why you would be upset. I would probably un-follow her. I agree with you on how I feel about a really early loss. It is still a loss...but to me it's a little different. Sounds like she is in need of some help.

[snowbigdeal]

I think flutterfly88 speaks some words of wisdom here. It's not fair to compare losses. I've seen friends go through early losses that were devastating to them, and while I do think there may be qualitative differences between early, late, and child losses, I would never say thay can or should be ranked in terms of the pain they can generate or the impact they can have.

That being said, there are assholes in the world, and if you think this girl is one, unfriend her. But don't let one asshole diminish your compassion for others who have gone through early loss.

[heartpresidents]

Oct 6, 2015 14:52:08 GMT -5 snowbigdeal said:

But don't let one asshole diminish your compassion for others who have gone through early loss.

Ugh, you're right. Someone had to be the voice of reason, and it sure as heck wasn't going to be me this week Well said snowbigdeal

[happyin14]

mrswheelo - I know I've been MIA so I hope it's okay that I weigh in. I also feel that we can't judge early loss folks for feeling that pain. I always say that the worst thing that happens to a person is still the worse thing that ever happened to them. And ectopic is scary.

That said, her behavior is gross and I'd feel that way if she was posting selfies while having her fall bladder out or what ever. She sounds like an incredibly unhappy and needy person. I also hate her. Lol.

[mrswheelo]

Oct 6, 2015 14:52:08 GMT -5 snowbigdeal said:

I think flutterfly88 speaks some words of wisdom here. It's not fair to compare losses. I've seen friends go through early losses that were devastating to them, and while I do think there may be qualitative differences between early, late, and child losses, I would never say thay can or should be ranked in terms of the pain they can generate or the impact they can have.

That being said, there are assholes in the world, and if you think this girl is one, unfriend her. But don't let one asshole diminish your compassion for others who have gone through early loss.

My issue was more how she was portraying it. Maybe it isn't fair to judge that either, but I get so upset seeing such a painful experience such as loss, as a way to get attention. I mean, smiling s elfies in the hospital bed!? WTF!? She may be tramatized by this. I understand thatbis is the worst loss SHE has ever had. I just can't stand to think of child loss being exploited. I haven't seen the first anything that suggests true sadness. In fact, she is posting alot of wedding stuff from pinterest now. And pics of her drinking and getting a tattoo 2 weeks ago. SMH. I can't help but be angry. Not that she is sad about an early loss, but bc she doesn't seem sad at all.

[mrswheelo]

And I'm far from perfect and can't help but think to myself thst if she thinks losing a baby she only knew about for 12 hours tore her world apart, she wouldn't survive a late term loss. But I do recognize that it was a loss and a terrible situation. It just brings up alot of feelings. Feelings I've never had when one of our other friend's suffered a miscarriage at 9 weeks. And then at 5 weeks. She was hurt and felt upset with herself. I can relate to that. But I can't relate to the long posts about how the other girl feels loss and that she is in the loss mom club now. Yuck. Just yick.

[flutterfly88]

I can understand your feelings towards her and feeling like she's exploiting her loss, like I said if I was in your shoes I would probably feel that way too. I hope you've been able to take some steps to protect yourself from being hurt by her anymore. ((((hugs)))).

[wrenofthesea]

I realize I am late to this... I am sorry that you are feeling hurt by this person. It seems to me that her posts and actions are making it hard to recognize her loss, which is unfortunate both for her and for other parents of loss- especially during this month of awareness. My experience has been that it is already hard for people who have not experienced a loss to empathize with those of us who have, and if now they are seeing someone having just experienced a loss smiling and posing in the hospital it might be even harder for them to recognize what a tragedy it is to lose a baby (at any stage) and that is upsetting to think about. I think it was very smart to unfollow her and step completely away from her.

[mrswheelo]

Thank you ladies for being supportive. I've had so many feelings about this. Some have been wrong or not very nice. I'm so thankful I can come here and express what those feelings are without judgement. And even more thankful to have an amazing group of women that understand what I'm saying. You are all so appreciated!

wrenofthesea, I agree that her actions will further blur the line of sympathy/understanding of those who have never experienced loss. I hate feeling represented by someone like her.