Parent Relationship with the ex

[xctsclrx]

Question:



How do your in-laws/parents treat your ex. What kind of relationship do they have?.



Recently my SMIL wanted to talk to me about something that I said to the boys that made their mother upset.



She and my FIL has my DH ex-wife her husband (the man she cheated on my DH with) and all the kids over to her house every week for dinner and apparently they talk. My DH has asked his SM and Dad not to have this kind of relationship with her. It caused problems in the past with her sharing too much info with her. I am frustrated because he is hurt by this and they don't seem to care.


I am angry with them because they do not need to be discussing me at all.


We had a talk with them about how going forward their relationship with her is will hurt their relationship with us. We were told to pretty much suck it up because it is not changing.



Are we over reacting? Is it normal for parents to have that kind of relationship with their kids ex? Especially when the ex had an affair and broke your kid's heart?

[CurlieWhirlie]

I don't know if "normal" applies, but it isn't uncommon, in my experience. Specifically when the ex in question is the mother of beloved grandchildren. And older people (FIL and SMIL) often have antiquated views of who does most of the parenting or should be in charge of the children (i.e. the mother), so they view her as their path to the kids.

My ILs are exactly this way. They have kept a very close relationship with DH's ex-wife. She is the custodial parent of their two boys, so 80% of the time if they want to see the kids, they are seeing her. So they keep up a close relationship with her. She is the mother of their grandchildren and the woman who was their daughter-in-law for 20 years. They don't view her as the manipulative ex of their son. Even in the face of some awful papers she filed with the court during their custody battle, they never wavered in their relationship with her. It was hard for DH, but eventually he had to come to terms with it and realize that it wasn't about him or her, it was about the kids (to them).

In your situation, I would choose to let go the fact that they still have this relationship with the ex, and view it as their way of maintaining closeness with the grandkids. I wouldn't take it as a personal attack, it's probably not about your or their son, they might not understand why it would bother him or be able to articulate to him why they want to keep this relationship on good terms. If you know that your SMIL is likely to gossip, I would just be aware of that and watch what you say around her. And as far as the "you said something to the kids that BM didn't like" bullshit, you just have to smile and go "Oh!" Because she can't control what you say to the kids (barring abuse), and you shouldn't even indulge her in a fantasy that she can.

Unfortunately, you can only control yourselves. You can't control other people and you need to let that go. All you can do is manage your own relationship with FIL/SMIL as you would like it to be, and let everything else roll off your backs. Don't give BM the satisfaction.

[xctsclrx]

How did your DH come to terms with it? Loyalty is one of my DH's core values. He feels like it is a direct betrayal to him, and because I agree with him I'm not sure how to help him. We have known that the boys had been having dinner with them every week, but now we know that it is the whole family.

I do not have a relationship with them. Early in mine and DH's relationship SMIL tried to scare me away from him and has since actively meddled to cause problems. I try to stay away from them because of this. I never avoid them but don't go out of my way to build a relationship.

We have said our piece, but not sure how to proceed.

[CurlieWhirlie]

xctsclrx, I don't know that he has come to terms with it. I think it still hurts his feelings, but he tries his best to just maintain his relationship with them. I think it changed things when we had our own little one, it brought a new grandchild into the mix and it "legitimized" me in that I am now also the mother of their grandchild.

Family relationships can be really difficult, especially with our parents when they don't necessarily agree with our choices. It's hard not to have parental approval. We all crave it. Having this kind of relationship with the ex and seeming to support her definitely makes my DH, and probably yours, feel that his parents do not approve of his choices.

Therapy!!