Article on miscarriage. (obviously loss mentioned)

[peachey]

I thought this was a nice article. I have been frustrated with how many members of my family and a few friends have responded to me since my loss, basically acting like it never happened and or implying that I should be over it and moving on by now. I know they don't know what to say, but sometimes I wish they understood a little more what I feel, or at least expressed to me that my feelings are legit.

I had a miscarriage. Talk to me.

[huckleberry08]

I liked this a lot, too. We don't have good cultural rituals for honoring people we lose in general, or even talking about them, much less our unborn children. I don't know if other cultures do it differently or if loss at all ages is so endemic that it's expected? Sometimes it feels like our society is broken in that way.

[graceinca]

Jan 28, 2015 17:12:12 GMT -5 huckleberry08 said:

I liked this a lot, too. We don't have good cultural rituals for honoring people we lose in general, or even talking about them, much less our unborn children. I don't know if other cultures do it differently or if loss at all ages is so endemic that it's expected? Sometimes it feels like our society is broken in that way.

It's interesting you say this, because I think it's treated more seriously here than anywhere else.  At least that's what I've witnessed based on my losses and just being around women from different parts of the world.

My middle eastern relatives were very much, "Oh, it's happened to so many of us. It's just life. Get over it, don't make a big thing of it."  Part of me was angry, especially at first. But eventually I realized that it's just how they coped.  Also, those women spoke so openly and freely about their miscarriages with one another, it was almost therapeutic in a way that you don't see in the States. When I told my aunt, she hugged me, then she said, "Eh, I had two of them between my 2nd and 3rd child."  She went into great detail about when they happened, and what she was doing when they happened. But she said it like it was an interesting story, not as though it was a traumatic experience.  When I got pregnant again, there was no talk of loss or of fear. If I even mentioned being cautious, they told me I was being silly.

I have a friend from Germany who had a miscarriage this year, and she told me she was alarmed by how much hand-holding the nurses at her doctor's office did.  I think that she comes from a culture where there might be a more clinical approach, because she said, "Statistically it's likely I'll go on to have a perfectly normal pregnancy, it's sad this one didn't work out but it's not a big deal."

[doodletwins]

I just wish infertility issues in general were talked about more. I think people don't understand a lot about the struggles some go through. After getting to a point where I could be open about our IF struggles, I've learned of others in my open neighborhood that are struggling with IF. I just wish so many people wouldn't struggle in silence.

[peachey]

graceinca I see both sides of it. Yes it happens and it happens more often then anyone talks about it, I think in some ways it would be less of a shock for many women if more of us talked about our experiences. And again it reaffirms how much I need you ladies. Support without question or dismmisive comments is the simplest thing yet can be so hard to give for some people.

That being said so many people don't know what happened because I didn't say anything.

[kames12]

Jan 28, 2015 17:50:16 GMT -5 doodletwins said:

I just wish infertility issues in general were talked about more. I think people don't understand a lot about the struggles some go through. After getting to a point where I could be open about our IF struggles, I've learned of others in my open neighborhood that are struggling with IF. I just wish so many people wouldn't struggle in silence.

Ditto. After I hit the 1.5 year mark I became more outspoken about it. Which I'm glad I did as I had several friends come to me when they started struggling.

[daffy2k]

Jan 28, 2015 18:00:36 GMT -5 peachey said:

graceinca I see both sides of it. Yes it happens and it happens more often then anyone talks about it, I think in some ways it would be less of a shock for many women if more of us talked about our experiences. And again it reaffirms how much I need you ladies. Support without question or dismmisive comments is the simplest thing yet can be so hard to give for some people.

That being said so many people don't know what happened because I didn't say anything.

I think you are bang on about it probably being less of a shock if more women talked openly about it.  My miscarriage was in the first tri, so not too many people knew I was pregnant.  Therefore I didn't really bring it up.  I think I handled it well, I know it would have been harder if I was further along.  But even now, if I have to talk about it I bawl.  I more or less knew the statistics, but you just never think "it could happen to me" until it does.  If I knew that my mom had 2 miscarriages (I only knew of 1) and that DH's mom had also experienced one (not to mention many other women that I have found out about since) I think it would have been easier to accept it right off the bat and worry a little less about the potential of losing my next pregnancy.  

[sctiger]

I wish people would talk about it more. I know that a lot of them happen in first tri before you've announced so that makes it harder. Mine happened at 9 weeks and we had only told family and a few close friends. I did talk about it later and it helped. I best friend, the one whom I've talked about how I'm growing apart from, was silent about the whole thing and to be honest I haven't forgotten about it. She didn't do anything to acknowledge it after my husband called to tell her. I've never felt the same about her since and perhaps that was the beginning of the decline of our relationship.

Even now knowing that I've had a successful pregnancy I will still be anxious the next time.

[lioness13]

My loss was in the 1st tri so not many friends knew. I knew the 1 in 4 statistic but didn't think it would happen to me. I'm open about sharing my loss with friends if it comes up but I'm not the type to bring it up. I still don't know what to say to friends who experience it except to share my experience.

[daffy2k]

mcbush it's the late term losses that are really terrifying me this time around too. I've been through a miscarriage, albeit early (10 weeks). I know what it's like. I could have dealt with it had it happened again. Would I have been devastated? Yes. But I know I would get through just fine. I know a woman who lost her baby last summer, basically full-term. That could break me. I think I'm more scared now because I have another child at home who I need to keep it together and function for.

[momofcatan]

I'm not sure what I want to say so this is going to be a ramble.

I think the fact that I came in, read this thread, but didn't feel like I have a "right" to post a response speaks volumes. When ladies on here talk about loss I feel like because I haven't experienced it I don't have a right to join the conversation. I don't know what to say, I don't know what will be helpful, what might be hurtful, so I don't say anything at all. The ladies on here have given me insight that people get offended and upset over statements and questions that I would never think to be upsetting (speaking in general, not specifically about loss). The ladies who have experienced loss (and IF) have opened my eyes to how emotional, difficult, and long lasting the feeling are.

I am never ignoring the fact that someone has a lost. I would never avoid someone because it's what I think is best for me. But I will never feel confident that I know the right thing to say, and feel like the chances are SO high that I say the wrong thing. What if that person finally got through a day where they didn't cry over their loss and then I bring it up? If they are expecting again, do they really want to discuss a miscarriage? I don't know.

I feel like at this point I know more women (IRL) who have suffered 1st tri miscarriages than those who did not. But every time it has been brought up it has been casual information, a matter of fact. IRL people don't seem to want to dwell on their angel babies. They give the impression of moving on, so that's the cue I follow. I agree with what this authors says the end of the article. If the reaction and stigma attached to discussing loss is going to be changed, it needs to start with the people who have experienced loss. Only by seeing that they want to discuss the emotions and feelings will others have the opportunity to continue the discussion.

Sorry this is a long ramble but I wanted to put my thoughts out there. There is definitely no feelings that "I sneezed on them or even simply spoke to them, they too might have a second trimester miscarriage". And I'm sorry if others have ever made you feel like you should be "over it", they need to be told to STFU.

[peachey]

momofcatan I agree that no one actually feels like miscarriage is contagious. A really simple how are you can be huge if it's said with the intenet of being prepared to hear that I am not always okay.
I act exactly like the people you are talking about I pretend everything is fine, because I think most people want me to, they don't want to hear that everyday can be a struggle. I don't care if casual aquantinces don't ask how I am but my own mother won't talk about it, my bff won't talk about it. They knew my due date and no one asked me if I was okay. All I needed from them was a hug. Before it happened to me, I felt the same way as you and for the most part I still do.

I shared the article because although she made it out to be more dramatic then it needs to be, there are definitely people in my life who seem to be ignoring the elephant in the room.

For what it's worth you have the right to say something, your feelings are as valid as mine.

Now I am rambling.

[doodletwins]

momofcatan It's hard because you know people are just trying to be nice but sometimes hearing it was for the best or whatever can really be painful. I've learned that really the best thing you can do is be there them.

[cl8badb]

Im the type of person that if I were to have a loss I really wouldnt want anyone to know but myself and my husband.
I dont handle sympathy well. I dont handle people feeling bad for me well. I also wouldnt be able to deal with it if people brought it up in the future.
One of my husbands sisters had a miscarriage about 30 years ago. People still bring it up at holidays and stuff. I just cant imagine how she feels inside when its brought up. Im not the type that would want or need a constant reminder of one of the toughest times in my life.
Obviously everyone is different and maybe i feel the way i do bc its not talked about enough in our society?

[smittie]

As someone who has just experienced a loss (almost 2 months ago), this is a decent article. What it leaves out is the fact that it seems like you are the only one remembering your baby.

Like, if your grandparent died, people would talk openly about it, even years later. They are not forgotten. Somehow it seems like our angel babies get forgotten by everyone else, that is something I've been struggling with lately.

[sctiger]

@winesconstantly I'm so sorry for your loss. I think that you never forget how people treat you, good or bad, when you are experiencing a difficult time. As I said before, I never have gotten over how a friend treated me when I went through it.