AW: Holidays. WWYD?

[murrt]

Hi all,


I know some people are going to have severe adverse reactions to see a post about the holidays this early. But, I need some help...

Typically, DH and I trade off Thanksgiving and Christmas each year - spending one with his family and one with mine. This year, we thought the holidays would be very different, my due date was December 1, and were planning on having a newborn - so we planned to stay home for both holidays or MAYBE go to my in-laws down the street for Thanksgiving if they were hosting dinner or something. That way we could go but also leave if we needed to. Try as much as I can, I can't seem to get that thought in my head of what was "supposed to be" every time I think of Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Well, my SIL has started texting my husband asking what our plans are for the holidays. It's assumed we'll spend one holiday with them. Technically speaking, this year is supposed to be Thanksgiving with DH's family nearby and Christmas with mine a few hours away. My Mom is always pretty excited about Christmas with her so I know that's going to be VERY hard to get out of.

My SIL (my husband's sister) wants us to go to her SIL's (her husband's sister's) on Thanksgiving. This tends to be a new trend. My SIL always wants us to go to one of her SIL's houses. My SIL, her husband, their two kids and my in-laws are all going there on Thanksgiving I guess. It just feels strange to be anywhere celebrating this year, let alone someone's home that's not family. I told DH to tell her that we don't want to celebrate this year and explained why, and she got kind of pissy about it. Am I being too selfish? Especially since I don't see how I can get out of Christmas with my family?

What would you do? I don't see a way of getting through the day without losing it and I don't want to do that in front of people that aren't family,  but I also don't want to hurt other people just because I'm hurting.

Thanks for reading.

[mrswheelo]

*****SIGGY WARNING*****



I don't think you're being selfish at all. We have to protect ourselves sometimes. Not everyone will be understanding & that's ok. Don't feel obligated to do anything that will make you feel uncomfortable. Especially since you're being asked to spend a sensitive holiday with people who aren't even relatives of your or YH. I probably wouldn't like that under the best circumstances.

I understand being more comfortable with your own family. Hopefully they will understand some of your hesitant feelings towards celebrating this year and help to comfort you and your husband.

Last year, I just didn't respond to MIL when she invited us over for Christmas. I was not in a place to celebrate anything. Let alone soend the day with other people who all seemed to have so many things to be happy about. In hind sight, I probably should have just told her I couldn't do it. It would have been more polite. I just didn't have it in me to care at the time.

Maybe you can just delicately let SIL know that you just aren't ready to spend the holiday like that and feel.more comfortable with family who understand what you're feeling.

Good luck. Dealing with family is often dramatic. Especially regarding the holidays.

[heartpresidents]

I don't think you're being unfair at all. If I didn't have it in me to go, I wouldn't. We'll be about 1.5 years past our loss this Christmas and I certainly won't be in a place where I'm willing to celebrate with anyone but close family. And barely them!

You say you don't want to hurt others "just because you're hurting" and I understand what you mean. I really do. However, your hurt isn't a "just". I have to remind myself of that all the time. Your hurt is valid and real, and it's ok to focus on your needs and your grief. I think mrswheelo had a great suggestion on breaking it to SIL.

Good luck!

[snowbigdeal]

Aw murrt, I'm sorry your SIL is acting like this.

For me last year, the first holiday season after our loss was much harder than I had anticipated. I think it is wise of you to prepare for it to be tough.

People say all sorts of shit at Thanksgiving, Xmas, and New Years that is really hard to listen to after a loss. My own father gave a New Years prayer thanking Jesus for blessing everyone with such a wonderful year, and hoping that the next year would be as wonderful. H and I were like...our baby died this year, fuck you.

My point is, going through these holidays is hard enough even with people that you know well and who care about you. With people you barely know/don't know, it could be a nightmare. Awkward questions and statements, inappropriate expressions of gratitude for things that you might not feel grateful for, and basically just a lack (no one's fault) of ability to understand what you and your H have and are going through. It is completely reasonable to want to avoid that. It is not selfish.

Selfish is your SIL, if you have told her what you want and she is being a jerk about it. If you haven't clearly explained why you don't want to spend Thanksgiving with them, maybe that would help her understand. Some of your words above are perfect: "it just feels strange to be anywhere celebrating this year" and "I don't see a way of getting through the day without losing it and I don't want to do that in front of people that aren't family".

If SIL really can't be compassionate enough to understand your needs here, IMHO you definitely don't want to be spending a holiday with her, because she probably won't be any more supportive and understanding then. All the more reason to politely say no.

Choosing to spend Christmas with your parents or not is an entirely separate issue, and none of her business.

Good luck, and try not to feel guilty for protecting yourself through what will probably be a really challenging season.

[murrt]

Thanks mrswheelo, and snowbigdeal. I talked with DH about it and he told me to please not worry, that he doesn't want to go to "not-really-family's" homes for the holidays either. He even said that we could go to my family's for Thanksgiving and Christmas if I want. I don't want, but that was sweet of him.

When the opportunity comes up, I'll talk about it with SIL too. For now, I feel good that DH has my back.

As for New Year's, much to DH's chagrin, I don't really celebrate New Year's. My Dad died suddenly on New Year's Eve six years ago and ever since then, I don't do New Years.

[snowbigdeal]

So glad that your H has your back. And I'm so sorry you lost your father. Having a loss anniversary on a holiday is so hard for so many reasons. Hugs to you throughout the season.


Edit *siggy warning*

[mrswheelo]

So glad you and H are on the same page! I'm sorry to hear that your father passed. It sounds like holidays are hard for you in general, holding alot of sad memories. YH is being a rock star ei th the whole thing.

MH doesn't like to celebrate the holidays, ever. So it's no struggle for us to lock ourselves away when we need a break from reality.

I hope your talk with SIL goes as smoothly as it did with YH. Hopefully he can back you up in person

[flutterfly88]

I'm sorry your SIL is being so insensitive murrt, but I'm glad to hear that your DH is on the same page as you. Would your husband be willing to talk to SIL (I'm assuming SIL is his sister)? That may make things easier on you if it comes from him that you both don't feel like celebrating (especially with people who aren't your family). And I agree with heartpresidents, don't minimize the hurt that you're feeling. Do you feels best to protect yourself this holiday season. ((((hugs)))

[happyin14]

murrt, I am SO happy your husband has your back on this! Makes it so much easier. The first holidays are so, so hard and "celebrating" is rough. I almost had a harder time with Thanksgiving because what the hell am I supposed to be grateful for? My family understood and everything was super low key. My aunt even said the best thing for our toast "We aren't expected to be grateful this year, but I'm glad we are together." And that's it.

Anyway, you actually ARE entitled to be selfish and take care of yourself this year. 100%. That's the rule. You've still got a lot of healing to do. If you do feel the need to discuss it with your SIL further, I personally think you don't owe an explanation, exactly. But it might help her to understand what you are feeling. That smiling and feeling pressure to be social might backfire. And you just need the space to feel how you feel without being under a microscope or having to "explain" things to people you aren't the closest to.

We spent the holidays with family but I didn't have to worry about having kids around or any expectation other than just sitting around and being with people. That's all you should be faced with this year. Hugs.

[angelsnight]

****Rainbow mentioned****

I'm so glad your husband has your back on this. You are definitely not being selfish. The holidays can be hard for people for lots of reasons, especially when you experienced a tragedy so very close to the holidays. Nobody should expect you to be happy and jolly.

We lost our angel in March that year and since Christmas wasn't far behind us, one of my thoughts was, I cannot do Christmas this coming year. I couldn't fathom it. It should have been my angel's first Christmas. While we were still in the hospital MH and I decided Christmas was canceled that year, we wouldn't be celebrating with any family, didn't want to do a tree or anything and we were thinking about going out of town.

However by the time it arrived 9 months later we were in a better place emotionally, our loss wasn't quite as raw by that point and I was pregnant with our rainbow. It was still hard, but we celebrated. But had our loss been much much closer, not to mention the sadness of the due date, I am certain we would not have celebrated. Hugs.

[murrt]

Thanks everyone. Since I posted this, a lot has happened. First, my SIL was finally OK once I personally explained it to her. DH and I will have a small turkey breast and food at home, but we are not celebrating really. And I'm OK with that. My family has decided to travel to my home and be with me over the weekend. I think that'll be nice and less stressful.

I experienced a second loss this month, it was early and in many ways, it doesn't feel like a loss. I think after experiencing what we did earlier this year, a chemical pregnancy doesn't even feel real.

Next, my job was eliminated due to restructuring. I was very ready to move on, but it is still hard because the timing is so bad. We are doing IVF this month. So there are all kinds of complications when there's a job loss involved. What if I get pregnant and no one will hire me? What if I don't?

Last, we decided to go to my family's for Christmas. There's something comforting about being surrounded by family. Even if i'll be sad. I'm going to skip the extended family gathering though. I can't take all the empathetic looks.

[flutterfly88]

murrt, I'm so glad you were able to work out a plan that works for you and YH. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I think, at least for me, with an early loss you miss what you know could have been as opposed to missing the baby, since you never got time to know the baby. I'm sorry about your job as well. That's a lot to deal with. Sending you so many (((((hugs))))).