When family resists Preemie rules

[motownthrowdown]

The only good thing about rsv season is that I have an ironclad excuse for not seeing family members. My question is this: how did you/do you handle resistance and push back from family about things baby can or can't do?

For example, my daughter (28 weeker, now 2.5 adjusted) does not like lots of noise or being bounced and talked to and patted and jiggled around. Saw family yesterday and they did all of the above because "all babies love this."

We pace feed my daughter, partially because that's how she learned to take a bottle and partially because of her reflux. No one seems to be able to do this, so she's reclined and constantly choking on bottles the few times I've let someone else feed her.

Family members are bugging the crap out of dh and I about when we're going to take her out in public because "her immune system can't get stronger if she's never exposed to anything." I want to smack people.

How do you explain preemie rules to someone who thinks they are a baby expert because they've had kids already? How do you navigate the power shift between the nicu parent who spent months learning about their child's needs and the new grandparent who thinks the baby must be fine and normal or they wouldn't have gotten out of the nicu?

Thanks for any advice and for letting me vent. You guys are awesome.

[jense927]

Ugh I so feel you on this. Especially the people think they are fine the minute they leave the NICU. I would just reiterate that they are not. They have a weaker immune system and weaker lungs that if they are to catch a cold it is likely to send them back to the hospital. And that is the last place that you want to be and family would not want that either. I just used scare tactics.

Not to scare you but as a anecdote to use as a scare tactic...DS made it through his first RSV season okay. He had a few episodes of wheezing and got diagnosed as asthmatic. We spent a lot of time giving nebulizer treatments that season. Then his second season at 13 months old in January (at this point we were more relaxed about bringing him out in public) he got RSV and was hospitalized for a week. It was awful! He is fine now but it was seriously a traumatizing event.

All this to say, don't doubt yourself! You are being a great mom and sticking up for what is best for your LO.

It is against my nature to be a negative person or a dweller but that is what I had to do to get through the comments from others that "knew better" or had more kid experience. Just had to remind them of our time in the NICU and the doctor's advice and of the fact that DS was a preemie and the rules are different. Good luck! And venting helps so feel free to any time you need to!

[theycallmekveld]

I just kept saying "the doctor said it was imperative to ________." I got some push back but I stood my ground and after a while people listened. They thought I was crazy but they eventually followed my rules. You will doubt yourself and wonder if it's all really necessary but just do whatever YOU and the doctors think is right!! Good luck!

[bromios]

Using "The doctor said this was absolutely necessary" is always good if you don't want to start a fight. I was not particularly diplomatic when it came to protecting my kids' health during that first year or so and I dislike my in-laws so I didn't try to be. Whenever anyone tried the whole, "I know what it's like to be a parent and you're being too overprotective" routine I quite literally said, "Have you ever seen your baby turn so grey from lack of oxygen that they looked dead? Have you ever seen the shape of your baby's intestines through their skin? Did your baby ever have to spend 69 days in the hospital so that they didn't die because their brain forgot about breathing? No? Then you know nothing about what it is to be a parent to my child." They would sometimes complain to other people that I was rude but they never told me I was overprotective again.

[motownthrowdown]

Nov 23, 2015 10:42:21 GMT -5 bromios said:

Using "The doctor said this was absolutely necessary" is always good if you don't want to start a fight. I was not particularly diplomatic when it came to protecting my kids' health during that first year or so and I dislike my in-laws so I didn't try to be. Whenever anyone tried the whole, "I know what it's like to be a parent and you're being too overprotective" routine I quite literally said, "Have you ever seen your baby turn so grey from lack of oxygen that they looked dead? Have you ever seen the shape of your baby's intestines through their skin? Did your baby ever have to spend 69 days in the hospital so that they didn't die because their brain forgot about breathing? No? Then you know nothing about what it is to be a parent to my child." They would sometimes complain to other people that I was rude but they never told me I was overprotective again.

This is the route I feel like I will take after my tiny amount of patience is gone. We are getting push back for "canceling" thanksgiving and christmas, and I'm going to snap one of these times. Oh, but it's a holiday and she needs germ exposure and you're just being paranoid. How many times have you watched your infant be placed on a respirator because they were sick or because they needed surgery to fix something caused by an infection? How many times did you stand next to their crib in the NICU all night and talk to them, sing to them, let them know you were there, because they were fighting the respirator and trying to cry but they couldn't? How many days were you in the hospital for until you could leave with your baby? How many times were you not sure you would ever leave with your baby?

We're doing thanksgiving with mil and fil and mil's sister and mom are under the impression that they are coming too. We will have to leave if they show up. Plus the grandma has staph and lives in a nursing home.

[bromios]

Nov 23, 2015 11:07:38 GMT -5 motownthrowdown said:

Nov 23, 2015 10:42:21 GMT -5 bromios said:

Using "The doctor said this was absolutely necessary" is always good if you don't want to start a fight. I was not particularly diplomatic when it came to protecting my kids' health during that first year or so and I dislike my in-laws so I didn't try to be. Whenever anyone tried the whole, "I know what it's like to be a parent and you're being too overprotective" routine I quite literally said, "Have you ever seen your baby turn so grey from lack of oxygen that they looked dead? Have you ever seen the shape of your baby's intestines through their skin? Did your baby ever have to spend 69 days in the hospital so that they didn't die because their brain forgot about breathing? No? Then you know nothing about what it is to be a parent to my child." They would sometimes complain to other people that I was rude but they never told me I was overprotective again.

This is the route I feel like I will take after my tiny amount of patience is gone. We are getting push back for "canceling" thanksgiving and christmas, and I'm going to snap one of these times. Oh, but it's a holiday and she needs germ exposure and you're just being paranoid. How many times have you watched your infant be placed on a respirator because they were sick or because they needed surgery to fix something caused by an infection? How many times did you stand next to their crib in the NICU all night and talk to them, sing to them, let them know you were there, because they were fighting the respirator and trying to cry but they couldn't? How many days were you in the hospital for until you could leave with your baby? How many times were you not sure you would ever leave with your baby?

We're doing thanksgiving with mil and fil and mil's sister and mom are under the impression that they are coming too. We will have to leave if they show up. Plus the grandma has staph and lives in a nursing home.

Yeah, screw that! I have also had success with saying, "I wish I could bring the babies to meet (sick relative) but if they caught something and ended up back in the hospital, like so many preemies do, I would never be able to forgive you for pushing me to compromise my kids' health, myself for giving in, or (sick relative), and so I'm not going to put everyone in that situation."

[runningmommy519]

motownthrowdown I do not know how you have have not snapped yet. The stories you tell make my blood boil sometimes. Although I'm starting to mostly like your mil.

[motownthrowdown]

Nov 27, 2015 10:10:14 GMT -5 runningmommy519 said:

motownthrowdown I do not know how you have have not snapped yet. The stories you tell make my blood boil sometimes. Although I'm starting to mostly like your mil.

Yeah, mil is ok now, apart from doing stupid shit sometimes. But it would be stupid with or without the preemie aspect lol. Yesterday she wanted to lay A down in a dark bedroom because she was asleep. She asked dh for a towel so she could lay her on the floor, close the door, and let her sleep.

I'm kind of terrified to leave A when we finally go on vacation.