Shower Question...I'm sorry! Don't Hate!

[trixi282]

1st, I don't know where in NJ they live... but in some areas, that's totally the culture there - and trust me, they will not be side-eying you or thinking you're gift grabby at all.

2nd. It's also really normal to have a party for each side of the family, especially if they don't live anywhere near each other. I had only one, but that's because H and I lived in VA and came home to MN where both of our families were. So they did one big party with both sides. My MIL hosted, and it was co-hosted with my mom and my sister.

My MIL invited a few of her really close friends (2 or 3) to my bridal and my baby showers that I know but am not close with. MIL is always invited to their daughters/DIL's showers too, so to them it's totally normal to buy gifts for their friends kids life events. One of the friends didn't even have kids that were friends with H growing up... so I wouldn't worry about it at all. Just be gracious to everyone who comes!

[blasto!]

I live in the south where showers are also de rigeur. In all seriousness, no one there will think you're gift grabby. If they're anything like my circle, they think of YH as family and will be doing this to celebrate the LO that they will also consider family. Even if you don't feel super close to them yet, they're thinking about providing for your whole family, not just you.

I think the reciprocity your MIL is referring to is just that it's how everyone acts there. So while it's not exactly quid pro quo, at some point down the line you'll be invited to someone else's baby shower and be expected to go and bring a gift. I struggled with this some when we got married (because I don't love "asking" for gifts either), but then I realized it's just how this kind of community works--rather than one couple spending all of their money to set up a house or prepare for a baby, the community steps in to help. Then you do the same for others when it's their turn because buying a $50 (or whatever you're comfortable with) shower gift is a lot less painful than buying everything your baby will need in the first year. Over time, it probably comes out to be close to even, though some people will always spend more than others.

I'm with trixi282, as long as you're gracious, they'll all be thrilled to be there.

Edited: typo

[billyhorrible]

If your MIL is anything like mine, then part of it is showing off for her friends. "Look my son is getting married!" "Look my son is having a baby!" And she probably gets invited to a load of similar things for her friends showing off their accomplishments through her children. I think that's basically what she means by the whole reciprocity thing.

As far as it being one-sided, I would definitely invite your family. It sounds like this isn't really their thing, and they're not going to be doing anything, but it's always nice to include everyone. Even if they won't be coming.

[carolyngrace]

The huge party with MIL's family sounds totally normal None of the people there will be judgy towards you!

If MIL offers to invite your family, by all means let her. I'm inviting my DH's family, who likely won't come (live far away), because I want them to know they're important AND his mother insisted so if they want to send a gift they can. If MIL doesn't offer to invite your family I think it's fine to have it with just her side, considering the distance involved!

[ombradellarosa]

I just read a similar question on the Bump if you'd like to read the answers to that question, here is the link: forums.thebump.com/discussion/12528933/mother-in-laws-guest-list. If not, I will summarise it for you.
Your MIL is hosting so she can invite whomever she wants to (not that you were going to step in or complain to her or anything). The people she invites that are her close friends may not know you, but they are enjoying the event from the perspective of being happy for her grandchild (similar to what PPs said here). No one would see you as gift grabby in any case because you aren't hosting and therefore did not invite them.
I would add, specific to your question, that yes, it's probably a cultural difference thing. Your family isn't big into gift giving so anything centred on gift giving is going to be a little weird to you. Most likely no one else will give it a second thought so I'm glad you are starting to relax already because then you can focus on enjoying yourself! Especially if they know your husband, I think they will be excited about his baby. Don't worry, it's not weird.