update: the coworker w nothing nice to say

[negams]

You guys were so great at making me feel better when she made the snotty comment about me being in maternity clothes "way too early", I thought you might be able to tell me  how to handle this situation.  As a FTM this is way out of what I'm used to.  So little bit of background, this chick is my equal in my lab (we're both in grad school) and we've been pretty close since day 1 (about 18 months into the program). The WHOLE TIME she's been baby crazy - always wanting to know about our boss's young son, begging them to bring him in, talking about all her nieces and nephews, the pregnancies and children for her friends and family.  Something every day about babies.  Ever since she made the comment about me, I've been paying more attention and I noticed something.  If anyone (myself or our lab manager) brings up anything about ME (and only me, if it's someone else it's fair game) being pregnant she LITERALLY acts like she doesn't hear it, no matter how close she is or even if someone is directly asking her a question! (like doesn't even have a facial expression, it's almost creepy).  So in her world, no one has said anything.  She responds either by being uncomfortably silent or by (loudly) starting a new and completely unrelated topic of conversation. So now, not only can I not talk TO her about it (because I definitely am not getting "I'm happy for you" or "you look cute pregnant") but I can't talk to the lab manager about it either because she makes the whole room uncomfortable w her reactions! (or talks OVER me if I'm talking directly to the lab manager in an effort to switch the topic). So now I get to spend an hour a day MAYBE while I'm at work talking about my pregnancy and/or asking for advice/tips.  And this hour will go away at the end of next week because the other girl's class ends for the semester.  What the heck do I do?! I only moved here 18 months ago and it's hard enough to make friends as an adult in a new place.  But now the only two people I was super close with I can't talk about my pregnancy with I guess I could use some advice but also some positive vibes.

[cookiesandwine]

Jan 29, 2015 13:35:57 GMT -5 negams said:

You guys were so great at making me feel better when she made the snotty comment about me being in maternity clothes "way too early", I thought you might be able to tell me  how to handle this situation.  As a FTM this is way out of what I'm used to.  So little bit of background, this chick is my equal in my lab (we're both in grad school) and we've been pretty close since day 1 (about 18 months into the program). The WHOLE TIME she's been baby crazy - always wanting to know about our boss's young son, begging them to bring him in, talking about all her nieces and nephews, the pregnancies and children for her friends and family.  Something every day about babies.  Ever since she made the comment about me, I've been paying more attention and I noticed something.  If anyone (myself or our lab manager) brings up anything about ME (and only me, if it's someone else it's fair game) being pregnant she LITERALLY acts like she doesn't hear it, no matter how close she is or even if someone is directly asking her a question! (like doesn't even have a facial expression, it's almost creepy).  So in her world, no one has said anything.  She responds either by being uncomfortably silent or by (loudly) starting a new and completely unrelated topic of conversation. So now, not only can I not talk TO her about it (because I definitely am not getting "I'm happy for you" or "you look cute pregnant") but I can't talk to the lab manager about it either because she makes the whole room uncomfortable w her reactions! (or talks OVER me if I'm talking directly to the lab manager in an effort to switch the topic). So now I get to spend an hour a day MAYBE while I'm at work talking about my pregnancy and/or asking for advice/tips.  And this hour will go away at the end of next week because the other girl's class ends for the semester.  What the heck do I do?! I only moved here 18 months ago and it's hard enough to make friends as an adult in a new place.  But now the only two people I was super close with I can't talk about my pregnancy with I guess I could use some advice but also some positive vibes.

An hour every day is a really long time to talk about your pregnancy. I talk about it at work maybe 5 minutes a week, tops. And even that's in relation to food.  I'd say kill her with kindness, be the bigger person. She may be strugging with IF or recurring losses, you just don't know.  I'm sorry that your friend is being so rude you to, but unfortunately there's not much you can do to control it. Just keep your baby talk to a minimum at work.  Maybe you can meet other moms when you take classes as the hospital? 

[beachy]

There's a few things that could be at play here. She could be jealous since you've been at the same point all along, or she could be worried about how it will impact your work or schedule.

The other possibility, with brutal honesty, is that she's sick of hearing about your pregnancy. Honestly an hour a day, everyday, is a lot to be talking about it.

I wouldn't let it stop you from enjoying your pregnacy and talking about it with other people who are excited for you and want to talk about it. If she changes the conversation you can just as easily ignore her. Or say her name to bring her into the conversation if you want to be more direct.

[kristhegirl]

That's tough - how are you with conflict resolution? I tend to address things head-on, so I would find a way to pull her aside or ask her to coffee and talk to her about it. Lots of "I" statements, observations, as calmly and rationally as possible. She may be going through some tough emotions and just not really know how to deal with someone in her everyday life being pregnant. She may have a hard time relating and not know how to deal. She might want to be the center of attention - there's just no way to know what's going on, and as someone you interact with on a regular basis it's very strange to IGNORE your pregnancy.

Now, she is not required to care, either. Pregnancy is a big deal to you, your SO, and then the list dwindles considerably - but common courtesy should also be extended and you're allowed to talk about it within reason.

[catahoulatte]

An hour a day at work is a lot. That said, she's clearly not a good friend of yours so don't involve her in anything. If she was, she'd care and ask questions. Then again, if you are talking about being pregnant for an hour + a day, it may be very tiresome to hear for someone who would like to one day be in your shoes.

[negams]

cookiesandwine class is only one day and it's June 27. Maybe you only need to talk about it for 5 minutes, but I have LOTS of questions. No offense to anyone on here, but people do get lambasted for asking "stupid questions". I had no younger sibs and was the youngest person on both sides of the family growing up. I'm going into this kind of blind. I don't talk about my pregnancy all day every day, but when I have something come up it would be nice to be able to talk to the lab manager about it since she's got three kids. The fact that I only just noticed she's being weird is because I'm not running my mouth all the time about it, but since I just started showing I thought she would actually be happy for me and it's a major bum-out that she's not.

[negams]

Also - my statement I guess wasn't all that clear. I'm not talking about it all the time, but it just means that if something comes up that I'm curious about I'm limited to having to remember it during that window of time. Or I have to talk to the lab manager in secret when she goes to the bathroom.

[cgiles120812]

Is she in a relationship or married?

[chelseamp11]

Jan 29, 2015 13:49:39 GMT -5 negams said:

Also - my statement I guess wasn't all that clear. I'm not talking about it all the time, but it just means that if something comes up that I'm curious about I'm limited to having to remember it during that window of time. Or I have to talk to the lab manager in secret when she goes to the bathroom.

Well, keep in mind you have a great group of women here as well as Dr. Google to help you out if it's something pressing that you need to ask pregnancy related.

It's great to make friends, but just know you don't HAVE to talk about your pregnancy in order to make friends.  I talk about my pregnancy for maybe a grand total of 5 minutes a day at school.  I guess I don't see the big deal in the fact that you don't have anyone to talk pregnancy with at work.  Find a local mom's group or come on here to chat.  We are all baby, all the time.

[negams]

Jan 29, 2015 13:50:22 GMT -5 cgiles120812 said:

Is she in a relationship or married?

She's married.  She's been married just a year shorter than my husband and I.  I get that there might be something go on that I don't know about because she's not one to talk about anything that's not rosy, but before I got pregnant she made it a point to say that she "definitely" didn't want to have a baby any time before she graduates.

[petrichor14]

Okay I don't mean this in a rude way, so I hope it doesn't come across that way, but talking about your pregnancy at work for hours every day is really not a reasonable thing to expect to be able to do. I mean, you're at work. It's awesome that you have a job where you can do a lot of socializing and stuff, but you're there to work not get pregnancy questions answered. The more appropriate time for that sort of thing would be doctors appointments and off-the-clock social time with friends. If you want to talk to your manager specifically, can you guys start going to lunch together or something?

That said, it sounds like your coworker is jealous. She obviously wants a baby and either isn't in a position to have one right now, maybe she can't have one, who knows. Knowing that fertility and pregnancy are really emotionally loaded issues for a lot of people, it would be considerate of you to not force her to listen to you talk about it when it obviously makes her uncomfortable.

[negams]

Jan 29, 2015 13:54:07 GMT -5 chelseamp11 said:

Jan 29, 2015 13:49:39 GMT -5 negams said:

Also - my statement I guess wasn't all that clear. I'm not talking about it all the time, but it just means that if something comes up that I'm curious about I'm limited to having to remember it during that window of time. Or I have to talk to the lab manager in secret when she goes to the bathroom.

Well, keep in mind you have a great group of women here as well as Dr. Google to help you out if it's something pressing that you need to ask pregnancy related.

It's great to make friends, but just know you don't HAVE to talk about your pregnancy in order to make friends.  I talk about my pregnancy for maybe a grand total of 5 minutes a day at school.  I guess I don't see the big deal in the fact that you don't have anyone to talk pregnancy with at work.  Find a local mom's group or come on here to chat.  We are all baby, all the time.

On here has been great for the most part, but I'm scared I'll ask one of the questions that "everyone knows the answer to" and I'll just get yelled at or eyes roll or whatever.  Most of the bum-out part is because I didn't see her as a just a coworker, I thought we were close friends. And talking about it "at work" is because I'm here from 745-5 every day and then when I get home I have schoolwork to do so no time to really go out and live the high life or hang out w people.  Being here is pretty much my only interaction w anyone other than my husband, the dog, or the woman who works the cash register at the grocery store.

[pixiepink24]

I am a first time mom too. But don't rely on getting the chunk of my information from co-workers or this blog. (I like it more for the support and venting But do you own any pregnancy books??? I prefer to educate myself that way, or scholarly articles and studies online.

[queenofcats]

I just want to point out that I've told people we were "waiting to have kids" and "didn't want them right now" to stop them from asking us when we were having children because I just didn't want to get into it. It sounds like she wants a baby and she's feeling jealous and put out and doesn't want to talk about it.

[CALEO]

Jan 29, 2015 13:35:57 GMT -5 negams said:

You guys were so great at making me feel better when she made the snotty comment about me being in maternity clothes "way too early", I thought you might be able to tell me  how to handle this situation.  As a FTM this is way out of what I'm used to.  So little bit of background, this chick is my equal in my lab (we're both in grad school) and we've been pretty close since day 1 (about 18 months into the program). The WHOLE TIME she's been baby crazy - always wanting to know about our boss's young son, begging them to bring him in, talking about all her nieces and nephews, the pregnancies and children for her friends and family.  Something every day about babies.  Ever since she made the comment about me, I've been paying more attention and I noticed something.  If anyone (myself or our lab manager) brings up anything about ME (and only me, if it's someone else it's fair game) being pregnant she LITERALLY acts like she doesn't hear it, no matter how close she is or even if someone is directly asking her a question! (like doesn't even have a facial expression, it's almost creepy).  So in her world, no one has said anything.  She responds either by being uncomfortably silent or by (loudly) starting a new and completely unrelated topic of conversation. So now, not only can I not talk TO her about it (because I definitely am not getting "I'm happy for you" or "you look cute pregnant") but I can't talk to the lab manager about it either because she makes the whole room uncomfortable w her reactions! (or talks OVER me if I'm talking directly to the lab manager in an effort to switch the topic). So now I get to spend an hour a day MAYBE while I'm at work talking about my pregnancy and/or asking for advice/tips.  And this hour will go away at the end of next week because the other girl's class ends for the semester.  What the heck do I do?! I only moved here 18 months ago and it's hard enough to make friends as an adult in a new place.  But now the only two people I was super close with I can't talk about my pregnancy with I guess I could use some advice but also some positive vibes.

I'd stop talking about your pregnancy at work. It's not professional. Maybe she's just trying to get you back on work related tasks.

It also sounds to me like she may be dealing with IF and hearing about pregnancy might be super annoying.

[nutmeg8484]

It sounds to me like there is some underlying issue here that you may not know about. A LOT of people dealing with fertility issues don't want anyone outside of their husband and doctors to know what is going on because there are so many incredibly complex emotions involved. If you are as close as you have said then I would maybe try and ask her if there is anything going on that you should be aware of or if there is something she needs support in dealing with. If you don't want to do that then maybe just limit the amount you talk about your pregnancy when at work and ask any questions one on one with your supervisor.

[petrichor14]

Jan 29, 2015 13:58:06 GMT -5 negams said:

Jan 29, 2015 13:54:07 GMT -5 chelseamp11 said:

Well, keep in mind you have a great group of women here as well as Dr. Google to help you out if it's something pressing that you need to ask pregnancy related.

It's great to make friends, but just know you don't HAVE to talk about your pregnancy in order to make friends.  I talk about my pregnancy for maybe a grand total of 5 minutes a day at school.  I guess I don't see the big deal in the fact that you don't have anyone to talk pregnancy with at work.  Find a local mom's group or come on here to chat.  We are all baby, all the time.

On here has been great for the most part, but I'm scared I'll ask one of the questions that "everyone knows the answer to" and I'll just get yelled at or eyes roll or whatever.  Most of the bum-out part is because I didn't see her as a just a coworker, I thought we were close friends. And talking about it "at work" is because I'm here from 745-5 every day and then when I get home I have schoolwork to do so no time to really go out and live the high life or hang out w people.  Being here is pretty much my only interaction w anyone other than my husband, the dog, or the woman who works the cash register at the grocery store.

I'm a first time mom too, I don't really have much family support or friends who I can ask stuff, and I'm self-employed so I work at home all by myself everyday. So I understand feeling kind of isolated and alone in this.

But pregnancy books, google, this forum, and searching and reading old posts on TB really covers 100% of the questions and concerns I have. I understand it's not the same as being able to chat about it with a real live person and I'm sorry things aren't going the way you expected with your friend. But I guarantee you no one is nearly as interested in hearing about your pregnancy as you are in talking about it. An hour a day is a LOT.

[doctaco]

Certain people get weird about babies. It sounds like this lab-mate makes up a big part of your social support right now and that she (for whatever reason) isn't able to support you in this. It doesn't mean that she doesn't care about you - try not to take it personally. Google is fantastic for "dumb questions". There are also plenty of message boards that won't flame you for asking something "that you should know". I would find one or two of those on facebook or wherever as a secondary outlet, and stay here for your laughs and no-nonsense mama answers.

[petrichor14]

Also: we could always have a "dumb question" thread on here! I'm sure a lot of people have silly or obvious questions they haven't had a chance to google or haven't been able to get a reliable answer for or whatever- it could be entertaining. Judgement-free (but teasing via gif is always acceptable.) Obviously nobody wants this place to turn into TB but maybe if we kept it all in one thread?

Or not. Either way.

[queenofcats]

Jan 29, 2015 14:53:42 GMT -5 petrichor14 said:

Also: we could always have a "dumb question" thread on here! I'm sure a lot of people have silly or obvious questions they haven't had a chance to google or haven't been able to get a reliable answer for or whatever- it could be entertaining. Judgement-free (but teasing via gif is always acceptable.) Obviously nobody wants this place to turn into TB but maybe if we kept it all in one thread?

Or not. Either way.

TTGP used to have a "Flame Free Newbie Playdate" where dumb questions could be asked without judgment. 

[chelseamp11]

Jan 29, 2015 14:57:38 GMT -5 queenofcats said:

Jan 29, 2015 14:53:42 GMT -5 petrichor14 said:

Also: we could always have a "dumb question" thread on here! I'm sure a lot of people have silly or obvious questions they haven't had a chance to google or haven't been able to get a reliable answer for or whatever- it could be entertaining. Judgement-free (but teasing via gif is always acceptable.) Obviously nobody wants this place to turn into TB but maybe if we kept it all in one thread?

Or not. Either way.

TTGP used to have a "Flame Free Newbie Playdate" where dumb questions could be asked without judgment. 

Well maybe this would be a good thing to do.  But honestly, negams , if you have a question, just use the search bar.  It works really well.  If it doesn't show up, then ask it.  A good place to ask those "eh idk" questions are in the randoms thread.

As for work, I'm sorry but you are expecting too much from your coworker/work environment.  If she doesn't want to talk about your pregnancy, she doesn't have to, and that's okay.  Maybe make an effort to hang out/chat about things NON baby related and see what happens?  If she's still weird after a week or two of no baby talk, then I'd talk to her and see what's up.

[shawnabm1320]

Someone started a thread last week that was kind of like an "Is this normal" thread. It might take some searching but I'm sure it's still there. It was meant to be a place where you could ask all your is this normal questions, if I read it correctly.
I think the symptoms thread is great, but I've noticed hat often times when people ask questions they don't always get answers. Not that it's our job to answer everyone's questions, of course. But we do tell people to use it for that purpose. The randoms thread is better for getting questions answered.

[yelah250]

I agree with the others that an hour a day at work on pregnancy talk is a completely unrealistic expectation. Doesn't sound like she'd be a good person to ask questions to anyways since she's never had a baby.

A pregnancy book would probably have - they are very thorough. Do you have one? A thread for "newbies" would be good, too. This is my third pregnancy - I'd be happy to answer any questions you have. I have numerous friends who have used me as a resource during their first pregnancies - I don't mind.

Birthing / pregnancy classes are also a good resource for FTM.

[Deleted]

Dude not even other pregnant people want to hear about your pregnancy for an hour. Work is for work, if someone asks how it's going you can answer and let them lead the conversation but an hour is ridiculous.

[fortunecookie2014]

I don't know what I'd talk about that much, and I'm a FTM too. If you want to have that much private chat time, I'd invite the person you want to talk to out for a coffee break or lunch. I also spend a decent amount of time talking by phone and emailing (after work)/ on weekends) w/ my mom friends.

I get wanting to have time to talk about this important thing, but the key point is that you're not entitled to be in total control of your environment at work - since it's work. So you have to fit that personal stuff in during breaks, lunch, weekends - when you can be in control.

[luckystar]

I would recommend that you dive into a ton of new pregnancy books and get some good info from there. Maybe you could consider getting a pregnancy journal to kind of write out your feelings, most of them also provide week by week info. I think she's making it painfully obvious that your pregnancy, for whatever reason, is an uncomfortable or annoying topic for her and she's waiting for you to take a hint. Is it fair/ does it feel good for you? Probably not, but it's the workplace and thus you have to maintain a level of professionalism, no matter how friendly you are with her.

[kristhegirl]

Jan 29, 2015 13:49:39 GMT -5 negams said:

Also - my statement I guess wasn't all that clear. I'm not talking about it all the time, but it just means that if something comes up that I'm curious about I'm limited to having to remember it during that window of time. Or I have to talk to the lab manager in secret when she goes to the bathroom.

I just want to bring this back up - I didn't think you were talking about pregnancy for a solid hour every shift, just that you had an hour of time where you interacted with people who might field a question or laugh at something ridiculous (because there is a lot of ridiculous about pregnancy.)

[weezyb]

When my husband and I got married, we knew we wanted kids, but not right away. And honestly, I didn't know how much timing was involved in order to get pregnant, let alone what went on in your body once you WERE pregnant. I just figured once you're pregnant, that's it. You have a baby. You coworker probably has no idea/interest in what's going on in your body. She's probably more bored than anything else. I imagine pregnancy is only interesting once you're playing the "I'm trying to have a baby" game. Don't take it personally or hold it against her. She's just not "there" yet.

[Deleted]

There could be something deeper going on. I would try to talk to her and ask if things are going ok in her life. Maybes she's had a loss or other personal struggles. Try not to let it bother you too much. Best of luck!