AW: had a terrible day! Update in OP

[elektrafying]

First off, mh and I both have awful colds... so that doesn't help with either of us feeling friendly or loving. Secondly, its my day off and I'm sick dammit! Thirdly, I was talking to a gf of mine about my emotions on filing a restraining order against my mom, we go to court on Tuesday, and it really upset mh. I am struggling with it, because I love her and she is my mom, but we can't have her continuing to abuse mh and myself for the rest of our lives. But it feels like she is on her death bed, there is no more hope of her turning her act around and deciding to be my mom again, there's no potential of it ever happening, it is so final! And I knew it was final going into it, but the realization that basically I will not have a mom after this is really disturbing to me. Mh seems to have a problem with the fact that I'm really depressed about it. No little girl grows up and imagines going through major life events without her mom, no matter how bad the abuse may be. Knowing that my life will never be what I wanted in its entirety is life changing and shocking. So mh and I got into a fight about me sharing my feelings... Stupidest thing to fight about, but mh was adamant that I should "let it go and move on or wallow and leave him the fuck out of it."  He really hates my mom, not that I can blame him.

I'm just struggling, I don't have a mother figure to talk to that is willing to talk to me about stuff. My mil is wonderful, but she's on the other side of the country and we never see her, its just not the same from someone you can never hug. I feel so desperately lonely and in need of someone to reassure me that my wild fears about pregnancy are nothing to fret, unlike mh who just looks at me like I've lost my mind sometimes. I just really needed to get this off my chest. 
I hope you ladies had a much better day than I did. Sorry for the dear diary post... :/ Don't hate me!


Update: Today was our court date. Both mine and mh's cases were dismissed for "lack of evidence." You know what killed me, sitting there listening to her lie to a judge about EVERYTHING and knowing that I had no "proof" of these verbal conversations where she threatened to shoot mh, or when I begged her to go to family counseling with me. She denied ALL of the things that I know to be true, including that I didn't want her around. So it is now on the record, in court paperwork that I do not want her as a part of my life. So despite my case being thrown out, she has been warned that if she does decide to come around I can just file another restraining order which would not be dismissed. She even brought "witnesses" to attest that she has not physically abused me, when the case was about the emotional abuse she continually puts me through. They were literally people I had not seen in a decade or more, and she paid to have them summoned!!! WTF! I just wanted her to be honest for the first time in her life, and not even being under oath could force that. And yet, for all the pain she puts me through she just claimed she didn't know why I moved, changed my number and changed jobs without telling 95% of my family and friends where I went. She had no response for why she has only seen me 4 times in the last year, and that two of those times were completely unsolicited. I now have to tell my family that if they invite her to events and outings that I need to know so that I do not go. 
My conclusion of my feelings from dealing with my narcissistic mother is that I shall now seek counseling specifically to deal with my feelings about her. I need her to let go of the apron strings that have been strangling me for years and I need to find healing for my lifelong feelings of invalidation and my insecurities of even being human... because well, I never was human to her. 

[heavenwhip]

Sorry you're having such a rough time. You can move here and I will share my mom with you!

[ars093s]

I'm so sorry you are going thru this! Sounds incredibly stressful and you are absolutely allowed to feel any way you do about the situation. I think you're so strong for doing what you know is the right thing, even if it is difficult and makes you sad.

IMHO, Sometimes husbands don't understand the difference when we just need support vs. when we need help "fixing" a situation...I hope yours comes around quickly and learns he just needs to support you in this!

[annabananabomb]

Oh Elektrafying, I remember you writing on the MIL thread about your situation with your Mum. I can't imagine what it would be like to go through this without a Mum, even if that is a conscious choice.

I think it would also be really hard to get the level of support you need from someone who is in the situation with you, and who brings all their own history and perspective and feels to the conversation.

I'm not sure I really understand why your H would be upset about you talking things out with a gf? Anyway, it sounds like a really complicated and really tough situation you guys are in so no judgement from me on how you're reacting or on how he's reacting. I can't imagine. It sucks you had a fight though, I'm sure it's the last thing you wanted to deal with.

I hope we can give you some support here, and for the rest, that you do have people in your life like your gf that you can talk to openly.

Would it be worth talking to a counsellor as well, just to help you process things? It's not for everyone but I've been seeing a psychologist every month or so since my miscarriage and I've found it really useful to have that space to work through things with someone who is independent and impartial.

[kcebeling]

Oh elektrafying, your un-mom situation is a real tragedy. Despite her human self being alive and close by, the "mother" part of your relationship has died. I'm not sure exactly when it died, but you have been suffering to resuscitate it and probably feel some level of failure because you are choosing to walk away instead of enduring the abuse.

(I drive A LOT and have thus listened to a million hours of radio therapy--this is what the radio therapists would tell you:) You are very healthy to walk away from this relationship and you must mourn the loss of your MOTHER FIGURE and what that relationship means to you. Recognize that your mom is not that lady and she can't ever be. She may have done the best she could, but her best is crap--to stay involved would be destructive to your family, as you know.

YOU, my internet friend, are a good mother. The aches you feel from the absence of that parent-child relationship--make that which you miss part of yourself. Being able to give that part of yourself to your children will be abundantly rewarding, but getting to that point will take lots of strength. Give yourself time to mourn this loss.

Lastly, your husband is not a good sounding board on this issue. He cannot see from your perspective because his emotions and experiences have made him react pragmatically. He does not recognize the emotional loss--only that this person has hurt you both and needs to be removed. Hopefully he will be there for you with hugs and affection, although it is not the same.

And your MIL--you are lucky to have her, even though the distance separates you. Have you told her much about this? Is she going to visit after the baby comes? Find ways to overcome the distance with her. You need her.

I lost my dad 12 years ago. Since then, I have recruited different men that have represented different fatherly aspects of my lost relationship. No one person can take his place--not at all--but I have a financial advisor who helps me make good decisions around money and a family friend who knows how to repair stuff and is willing to give lots of good advice and a step dad who fills much of that void for my mom. Not it is not the same. It is barely good enough, but oftentimes having them is better than no one.

You will slowly start to recruit your own mother figures. They will be unexpected, but the kindness and getting what you need will surprise you and it will feel really good she you get a drop of mommyness here and there.

Hang in there. Be kind to yourself. You deserve kindness.

[lawndog1216]

I have no good or helpful advice, but I wanted to say I'm sorry you're in this situation and I'm sorry it caused a fight. Hope your cold goes away soon, and your weekend has a little sunshine in it.

[Deleted]

I also have no advice, but I am sorry you are dealing with all that. This is a good place to come and share your feelings. We are here to listen.

[purplegaloshes]

@kcbeling What absolutely beautiful words--I had planned on a writing a response but absolutely cannot think of a better way to express myself than as you already have.

And to elektrafying , I second the suggestion of finding a licensed counselor or even a social worker to talk through things. I never feel more sane, grounded and clear than when I leave a good counseling session. What you're going through is so, so challenging, and no matter how entitled your husband is to his angry opinions, for you to go through this alone is asking far too much. I hope that whatever you decide, you find peace.

[malelz]

What the ladies above said is so wonderful, I don't have much to add. I also recommend a counselor. My situation wasn't nearly as heartbreaking as yours, bur I had never been close to my parents before, and I developed a good relationship with my inlaws. I was so excited to have a family, and then they turned. I had a difficult time dealing with their rejection and I sought counseling. H wasn't great to talk to because he was so 'in' it. My counselor helped give me a lot of perspective. If money is an issue, I found a clinic that took me for $10 a visit.

You will be in my thoughts. I hope you and your husband find some peace in this difficult situation. So sorry for what you are going through.

[kcebeling]

Seeing a counselor isn't a bad idea if you lack the tools to deal with this situation. If that idea doesn't feel warm and fuzzy to you, try some acupuncture. It sounds weird, but when I'm stressed out a good session leaves me peaceful...and lots of insurance covers it now so you're not on the hook for the whole cost.

Whatever you decide, you must give yourself some designated time to process this loss.

[divinemsbee]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I want to second the idea that sometimes other people in our lives (and a lot of times men, because they're socialized to find the answer and fix the problem)think that they can logic you out of feeling the way you feel, or that 'getting over it' is a legitimate option for a complicated problem.

I want to nth the idea of getting a counselor/psychologist or, in this case, even a clergy member if you have one you're close to (I wouldn't recommend this for a lot of things, but this one it might be helpful). Your local health department can help you find them, and many will work on a sliding payment scale.

[pmcd886]

I think the ladies here have had some wonderful advice and insight for you. However, I really want to offer my condolences. I can't imagine what you are going through right now. It must be so extremely difficult. I know we are really just people on the Internet, but we are here if you need us too.

[Deleted]

Your day sounds just awful, and I am so sorry about the drama and pain you're dealing with because of your mom. This forum is a great place to get support and also some much-needed distraction from what you're going through. I hope that you are able to get to a place where you feel at least peaceful closure after Tuesday's meeting (maybe talk therapy could help? I'm a big fan of getting help whenever needed!) GL to you

[ampaints]

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I broke ties with my mother at 18 because it was healthier for me. It's awful to go through. Please message me if you ever want to talk. I'll be thinking of you!

[elektrafying]

heavenwhip I LOVE you! That is the kindest thing I have been told all month!
Ladies, ALL of you! You are wonderful... I feel so much less crazy for feeling this way! I will definitely heed your suggestions of talking to someone about it... We have our therapy session just a couple days after the court date, and I will have to ask her about seeing someone on my own. I will keep you updated on how the hearing goes. I really do appreciate you all!

[sunshinelady15]

Jan 30, 2015 4:51:49 GMT -5 kcebeling said:

Oh elektrafying, your un-mom situation is a real tragedy. Despite her human self being alive and close by, the "mother" part of your relationship has died. I'm not sure exactly when it died, but you have been suffering to resuscitate it and probably feel some level of failure because you are choosing to walk away instead of enduring the abuse.

(I drive A LOT and have thus listened to a million hours of radio therapy--this is what the radio therapists would tell you:) You are very healthy to walk away from this relationship and you must mourn the loss of your MOTHER FIGURE and what that relationship means to you. Recognize that your mom is not that lady and she can't ever be. She may have done the best she could, but her best is crap--to stay involved would be destructive to your family, as you know.

YOU, my internet friend, are a good mother. The aches you feel from the absence of that parent-child relationship--make that which you miss part of yourself. Being able to give that part of yourself to your children will be abundantly rewarding, but getting to that point will take lots of strength. Give yourself time to mourn this loss.

Lastly, your husband is not a good sounding board on this issue. He cannot see from your perspective because his emotions and experiences have made him react pragmatically. He does not recognize the emotional loss--only that this person has hurt you both and needs to be removed. Hopefully he will be there for you with hugs and affection, although it is not the same.

And your MIL--you are lucky to have her, even though the distance separates you. Have you told her much about this? Is she going to visit after the baby comes? Find ways to overcome the distance with her. You need her.

I lost my dad 12 years ago. Since then, I have recruited different men that have represented different fatherly aspects of my lost relationship. No one person can take his place--not at all--but I have a financial advisor who helps me make good decisions around money and a family friend who knows how to repair stuff and is willing to give lots of good advice and a step dad who fills much of that void for my mom. Not it is not the same. It is barely good enough, but oftentimes having them is better than no one.

You will slowly start to recruit your own mother figures. They will be unexpected, but the kindness and getting what you need will surprise you and it will feel really good she you get a drop of mommyness here and there.

Hang in there. Be kind to yourself. You deserve kindness.

Holy crap kcebeling you gave great advice! Can we be friends IRL?? You would be awesome to have around to talk to. I have a great shoe and handbag collection to share if you say yes