Blended Families -- How to address DD's concern

[emmaswan]

I've been dating my wonderful boyfriend for nine months, my daughter (age 7 1/2) adores him, and he adores her as well. I feel incredibly lucky for this fact. Marriage is definitely on the table in the future, but the idea of that is causing some confusion for my daughter. (DD doesn't know of any plans, she just begs me all the time to marry my BF because she wants us to be a family, so she's making assumptions.)

Brief backstory: My ex-husband (DD's dad) and I separated when she was 5, right after she started Kindergarten (she's in 2nd grade now). He up and moved several states away for 18 months, only coming to see her a few times before moving back to our hometown in July of this year. XH and I share custody 50/50, but I think she still struggles in a big way with the fact that her dad left for so long and then suddenly returned. For example, she tells me she doesn't like it at dad's house, she misses me too much, she likes our home better, she wants things to go back to how they used to be, etc. She's in counseling and has made significant progress. XH and I are on relatively good terms for her sake.

Anyway, the current issue -- Last night, DD started crying because she doesn't want to be the only kid at school with "two last names" and because her future "sister" (in her mind, any kids that BF and I have will be girls) will have a different last name. I explained to her that if BF and I get married, her last name won't be changing, just mine (I have no desire to keep XH's name) and that she'll still have her dad's name. This upset her very much. She was adamant that wants to hyphenate when BF and I get married, and I know there's a snowball's chance in hell her dad would ever allow that to happen, which I tried to explain in an age-appropriate manner. I also let her know that this is all happening in the far-off future, so she doesn't need to concern herself with that yet.

How should I address this concern?

[xctsclrx]

Hmm that's a tough one. Do you have any sisters that have a different last name than you. Maybe explain that names don't make a family but how much you love someone. Hopefully someone else here has some more advice.

[Deleted]

These are real concerns-- but as you say in the future. I would bring it up in counseling. But also tell her that this is a long way away, and we will figure it out, as a family. How does she know for example that you are planning to change your name already. This becoming a discussion item between the 2 of you seems premature. I personally would not change my name if it left her out, but that's me... I wouldn't change my name (which is already hyphenated) regardless of my marriage. Sounds like shes struggling to define her role in a new family, and the name thing is a by product of that. She could hardly be the only kid with 2 last names- not sure where you live, but here, not hyphenating is probably more unusual. I think once you start looking for examples, they will pop out. Also if you try to network with other kids from blended families, she may find that reassuring.