How to support a preemie mom?

[lilyelayne]

Tl;dr- friend had a baby at 27,4 and lives out of town. What long distance support would you have wanted as a preemie mom?

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Hi ladies, hope you don't mind if I drop in with a question. I've been lurking but haven't seen quite this situation.

My childhood BFF had her rainbow baby last week at 27,4 due to blood pressure problems. Mom and baby are both doing well - they even got to start a little kangaroo care Sunday! I am amazed.

Friend lives ~4 hour drive north, and her daughter is in the NICU in a city ~3 hour drive north of me (so ~1 hour south for her.) I can't visit often, so the things I would do to support her if she were in town (laundry, freezer meals, etc) are out.

Little miss will likely be in the hospital until sometime in February. Mom was released on Sunday.

Friend and I text daily. My question to you ladies is what kinds of things should I be asking? I know she wants to talk about her baby, but are questions about weight gain, for example, too fraught? Are there preemie milestones for me to ask about? I've read that some preemie moms are sad they don't get the 'yay congrats new baby tell me all about it' from people and instead get nervous / doom and gloom reactions, so I've been trying to find a balance between acknowledging her story & reality and doing a normal you're a mom yay thing.

Thanks so so much for reading my novel & any input you have to give! You are all awesome, and I'm thankful for this community.

[theycallmekveld]

IMHO, just ask her how baby is doing. And how she's doing. Just follow her lead and know that some days she will want to chat nonstop and some days it will be too hard to talk about it. If you want to ask about specific things I'm sure you can - things like breathing and weight gain are always important for preemies.

And send her a card or text! Maybe include a gas card or gift card to a local restaurant. Just reminders that you care are awesome.

[wicked22]

As a previous nicu mom ask me any question about how baby is doing but please do not ask me when they might be going home. I don't know about others but that was the one question I hated getting because no one including the doctors can really tell you.

[redfraggle]

Our NICU stay was several years ago, but I just liked people asking how we were doing and responding positively if it was a positive update and sympathetically/empathetically if it was negative. Don't offer advice unless you've been there or give her random stories about people you know who know someone who knows someone who had a preemie, as these anecdotes are rarely helpful and almost always annoying. And don't be afraid to talk about other things; I needed a break from my NICU focus. It is ok to bring up things going on in your life or the news, pop culture, etc. as long as you don't get upset if she says she doesn't want to discuss that now and changes topics or drops the conversation.

You might also send a gas card, restaurant gift card, hand sanitizer, or magazines to help her through this time if you want to send a gift.

It is really sweet of you to want to help your friend! T&Ps for her and her baby!

[motownthrowdown]

Dec 1, 2015 16:51:36 GMT -5 wicked22 said:

As a previous nicu mom ask me any question about how baby is doing but please do not ask me when they might be going home. I don't know about others but that was the one question I hated getting because no one including the doctors can really tell you.

THIS +1000. At 27w4d, baby will likely be in the nicu for at least 2 months, probably closer to 3. People would ask me this when I went back to work after 3 weeks and I wanted to say, hey idiots, she weighs 2 pounds.

Gas card is a good idea. Restaurant cards are great, but if you can get one to the hospital, that would be even better. We didn't really go anywhere except home and the hospital and work for the 3 months we were there. We would grab dinner from the cafeteria most nights, and it is pricey.

If you want to buy clothes, I'd wait a while and then only buy preemie sizes. My daughter didn't wear clothes until she was 2 1/2 months old and preemie clothes were huge on her. She was born at 28w0d. Bigger clothes are a trigger for most preemie moms.

Stay away from bath stuff. I got so much scented lotions and things like that, that I LOVE but I can't use because preemies are very very sensitive to smells and fragrances can actually irritate their lungs.

Just let her vent and know that you are there. Let her reactions lead the conversations and like pp have said, just offer genuine responses. Her baby deserves to be celebrated!

[runningmommy519]

I agree with gas gift cards and restaurant gift cards. Starbucks gifts card is nice too.

I agree with the clothing. That was a big trigger with my first preemie. People would buy me 6 month or 12 month clothing and my kid was drowning in newborn.

I think it's great to say congrats and I think it's fine to say I'm sorry too. I think it's great to ask questions too. Some people are triggered by "he's so tiny" so try to avoid that. Another thing to avoid "he doesn't look real" or "he doesn't look human" this seems like common sense but the second was actually said to me.

Lastly, people naturally want to be supportive and positive but avoid saying things like "it could be worse" people said that all the time with my first (my second preemie they didn't) and it pissed me off. They were right. It could be worse but I was allowed to be sad and angry about our situation.

[motownthrowdown]

Dec 2, 2015 10:03:13 GMT -5 @clgsquared said:

Dec 2, 2015 0:39:23 GMT -5 jnetx said:

Everything pp's said. I always recommend a pair of oversized sweats or yoga pants with a cute jacket. Seeing her maternity clothes probably makes her want to cry right now, but she probably doesn't quite fit back into her normal jeans yet and never had time to shop for postpartum clothing. And she will want something comfortable for sitting around the nicu.

This times a thousand. I had so much anxiety and sadness about my maternity clothing. But, had nothing else.

I would have loved this. I had only bought maternity clothes about a month prior to having dd, and everytime I pulled on those jeans with the big stretchy band for my bump, I wanted to cry.

[lilyelayne]

Thanks so much, ladies. I really appreciate your input.

The first thing I did after I made it through thanksgiving was start a care package. I've got two insulated travel mug / tumblers, a few cards & letters (a congrats one to open now and a few encouragement ones for her to open when she needs them,) an assortment of K cups (her husband's comfort splurge at home is their keurig,) and I'm mixing up some lactation cookie recipe dry ingredients (she is pumping.) I was thinking Starbucks gift card, or subway as apparently that's the only place in hospital that sells coca-cola products, but I may do a gas card instead.

[motownthrowdown]

Dec 2, 2015 11:39:46 GMT -5 lilyelayne said:

Thanks so much, ladies. I really appreciate your input.

The first thing I did after I made it through thanksgiving was start a care package. I've got two insulated travel mug / tumblers, a few cards & letters (a congrats one to open now and a few encouragement ones for her to open when she needs them,) an assortment of K cups (her husband's comfort splurge at home is their keurig,) and I'm mixing up some lactation cookie recipe dry ingredients (she is pumping.) I was thinking Starbucks gift card, or subway as apparently that's the only place in hospital that sells coca-cola products, but I may do a gas card instead.

You are an awesome friend. I love the "open later" letters. She's lucky to have you.

[redfraggle]

Dec 2, 2015 11:39:46 GMT -5 lilyelayne said:

Thanks so much, ladies. I really appreciate your input.

The first thing I did after I made it through thanksgiving was start a care package. I've got two insulated travel mug / tumblers, a few cards & letters (a congrats one to open now and a few encouragement ones for her to open when she needs them,) an assortment of K cups (her husband's comfort splurge at home is their keurig,) and I'm mixing up some lactation cookie recipe dry ingredients (she is pumping.) I was thinking Starbucks gift card, or subway as apparently that's the only place in hospital that sells coca-cola products, but I may do a gas card instead.

This is so sweet! I'll bet she will really appreciate this. And the lactation cookies are a great plan if she's pumping. So many of us had supply issues, I'm sure she'll really appreciate your thought!

[motownthrowdown]

lilyelayne I would not put fenugreek in there though. I was told by the neonatologist that fenugreek is bad for preemies. Hard on their stomachs or something.

[lilyelayne]

Dec 2, 2015 21:38:48 GMT -5 motownthrowdown said:

lilyelayne I would not put fenugreek in there though. I was told by the neonatologist that fenugreek is bad for preemies. Hard on their stomachs or something.

Thanks! I just do flaxseed + Brewers yeast + extra oats to my regular oatmeal chocolate chip cookie recipe. Hopefully all that is okay. I find the Brewers yeast gives me a big boost.

Eta: and if, worst case scenario, she stops pumping or her supply doesn't increase, they're still yummy cookies.

[motownthrowdown]

Dec 2, 2015 22:41:50 GMT -5 lilyelayne said:

Dec 2, 2015 21:38:48 GMT -5 motownthrowdown said:

lilyelayne I would not put fenugreek in there though. I was told by the neonatologist that fenugreek is bad for preemies. Hard on their stomachs or something.

Thanks! I just do flaxseed + Brewers yeast + extra oats to my regular oatmeal chocolate chip cookie recipe. Hopefully all that is okay. I find the Brewers yeast gives me a big boost.

Eta: and if, worst case scenario, she stops pumping or her supply doesn't increase, they're still yummy cookies.

That's exactly what I do. But I have to call them lactation cookies or else my husband will eat them all.

[sweetcali]

My brother gave me adult coloring books for those times I didn't want to leave baby's side but needed a break from staring at everything. Also, one of those travel neck pillows. I use it every day.

[runningmommy519]

Dec 2, 2015 23:06:55 GMT -5 motownthrowdown said:

Dec 2, 2015 22:41:50 GMT -5 lilyelayne said:

Thanks! I just do flaxseed + Brewers yeast + extra oats to my regular oatmeal chocolate chip cookie recipe. Hopefully all that is okay. I find the Brewers yeast gives me a big boost.

Eta: and if, worst case scenario, she stops pumping or her supply doesn't increase, they're still yummy cookies.

That's exactly what I do. But I have to call them lactation cookies or else my husband will eat them all.

My husband won't touch them either. It's like he's afraid he'll start lactating

[runningmommy519]

Another good idea is a Netflix subscription. With my second i'd watch movies or tv shows by his bedside. Or while I held him. I used headphones

[bromios]

I'm sure everyone has a different experience and different needs, but for me there were exactly two people (my colleague and his wife) who were able to help me, and they were helpful because they did the following:
1. They didn't put any pressure on me to visit with them or let them see the kids. They let me know when they would be in the area, and if I wanted them to stop by they would, and if I was having a day where I just didn't want to see anyone, they just said, "Okay, we're keeping you in our thoughts."
2. They never asked the wrong questions. They never asked me when the kids were going to be coming home. When they visited and an alarm went off, they would look to me to see if I seemed worried, and if I didn't (which was usually the case), they didn't ask if something was wrong. They let me talk about what was going on and if they felt any sense of shock or horror at the stuff I was describing, it never, ever showed. They never tried to make me look on the bright side or cheer me up. They let me know that they would always be interested to hear everything that was going on but that I should never feel like I need to keep them updated.

In terms of physical gifts, the closest thing to happiness that I felt in the NICU was when I came in and they were wearing little onesies and snuggling security blankets that their primary night nurse had bought for them. A present that was for my children as they were THEN, not with an eye to how they would be when they left the hospital, was so meaningful to me because it honored the fact that they were newborns that needed to be loved and cherished now, tubes and wires notwithstanding.