Parenting struggle-death convo, religion

[xanthepants]

So I've got a sensitive kid, so it's no surprise that this weeks funeral has turned her world upside down. I'm struggling with  the following personally perhaps because I consider myself no longer Christian and more agnostic. But not quite ready to disassociate myself from the concept of heaven for her sake.  Tonight she cried and asked questions for a good 1/2 hour again. Asking do kids die, do they go to heaven? 
I can't do it. I'm struggling with whether I want to bring her to church to give her some sort of foundation, because what I'm feeding her feels really loose and  rambly and off the cuff. I never know what I'm going to say and she deserves better. But I don't want to bring her back to my old church that I was raised in because there are reasons I left that still feel relevant to me. 
Those of you who are agnostic or aetheist, how are you treating convos about death if it's come up?  Those of you who have a faith, how much are you sharing at this point? She has sooooo many questions and is so upset. I have to address it. It's not going away. Literally this has been about 2 months of intense talks about this I'd say if not more and the funeral has just made it go off the charts.  It breaks my heart, she is heaving crying at night.

[somethingcleverer]

I'm sorry she's having a hard time xanthepants. I feel a lot like you in my beliefs, I'm not sure if I really identify myself as a catholic anymore but I don't have another religion I believe in. When my aunt died 2 years ago Shane was pretty upset too. I think kids don't expect people to go away and when they do it makes their whole world go upside down because they realize that it could happen to anyone they love. I told Shane that my aunt went to heaven to be with her parents and heaven was the best place he could imagine. I can't remember what I told him about kids dying- I think he asked specifically about him dying and said that he wasn't going to he ran for a very long time. I also emphasized how happy my aunt was in heaven but that she missed us too.

[mrsrek10]

We are a Christian household and JA goes to a Christian based daycare where they have a Bible lesson every day. So, he already has an understanding, very basic, of God's love and Heaven. DH's granddad passed away a few months ago and we talked about how PawPaw was in Heaven with God and about how great Heaven is because PawPaw felt all better now and got to see other loved ones in Heaven. JA did ask lots of questions but they weren't sad..he asked if we could visit Heaven; he asked if PawPaw took an airplane to get there; he asked if PawPaw could fall out if Heaven (because he sees the sky as part of Heaven)...so very simple questions. I'm sorry C is so upset. I know it would break my heart to see her so upset which means it is exponetially worse on you as her momma.

Since I don't really know your level of comfort with God or Heaven, I'm not sure how to help you. If you are ok with talkie about the concept of Heaven, I would start there to help her not feel like death is so scary. I love believing that my loved ones are watching over me and not missing out on my babies, even though they are not physically here. I also take comfort in believing I will get to be reunited with ones I love. That may comfort her too...again, if you are comfortable sharing that idea with her.

I really dislike how some physical Churches have caused people to leave Christianity. I totally get it...I was raised Southern Baptist and always questioned things they said/did because I felt it was counter to what I understood the Bible to say. My church growing up never focused on the Love of God and the idea of a true relationship with Him. It was all about judgment and condemnation. Thankfully, while my family went there for church, they taught a different version at home, One of love and acceptance. Now, I go to a nondenominational Church and love it. I say that bc you mentioned possibly taking her to church but not wanting to go to your old church. I'm not sure what background you come from but a nondenominational Church may feel more comfortable. A church that is big here in Alabama is Church of the Highlands. I don't go there but have tons of friends that do. They are not a certain denomination and have sermons online. Apparently about a month ago they had a sermon on Heaven that rocked the world of some of my friends. I have meant to go online and watch it but haven't yet. You may want to google Church of the Highlands and watch that one to see if it helps. My friends said they always thought of Heaven as fluff and couldn't really grasp it until the message.

I hope I don't come off as preachy or anything, I am just trying to help. I tend to be wary of discussing religion on the Internet bc as a Christian you never know how your two cents will be received. I try hard not to be one that comes off as though I am pushy or preachy or perfect....I'm far from all of that! I have friends of all religions and beliefs and respect that it is a very personal, individual choice.

Hope you can find something to help her that you are comfortable with as her momma. Hugs, I am sure it is so hard!

[xanthepants]

somethingcleverer, I basically avoided the kids dying question. I just couldn't tell her yes. And I said she wouldn't for a long long time. And when she asked when we would die, I said it would be a long long time. She asked how old my dad was when he died and how old the aunt was. Then put together how old my mom is and Hs mom is and started freaking out.
mrsrek10, you are perfect. I asked, so I opened the door and I appreciate your honesty. I still like the concept of heaven because frankly it gives me comfort to see my dad someday. I that I'm open to a non denominational, open concept, god is love sort of thing if I were to bring her somewhere. I'm personally struggling now that I have a child I'm raising. I suppose I'm curious if anyone else is struggling as well now that they have kids.

[cbear]

I also was going to suggest a nondenominational church! While I believe in Heaven/God we don't really go to church and I have been looming Into going once again and I'm looking into some nondenominational ones. I think it'll be more of my comfort level. Elise also goes to a Christian based preschool so she is getting some of that foundation as well.

I think I would keep up the talks about Heaven and what a wonderful place it is. I'm positive someone here was talking about a book they read to their kid about this at one time... I can't remember who though. But I'm sure there are a lot of them out there, maybe that would help her?

[britbratjf]

We are in a bit of the same situation, my Grandma passed away last week & we have the viewing/funeral this week. We are religious (go to a United Methodist church) & Dagny goes to a religious preschool so we talk about God/Jesus/Angels a lot. We told her that Grandma had died & was in heaven with God & Jesus and we wouldn't be able to see her anymore.

Dagny didn't really "get" it I don't think. She didn't get upset or ask questions but that may change after the viewing tomorrow.

Even if you don't want to attend a church - trying to go talk to a pastor (maybe a specific youth pastor) may help you formulate what you want to convey to Coco about heaven & God.

[britbratjf]

Also - since it's Christmas season, do you talk about the nativity story at all? There are some really nice children's books that break down the story of Jesus's birth & introducing her to the idea of Jesus as someone who is with your aunt in heaven may help. There may be good books about death & heaven geared toward kids too - I'd check your library.

[summergirl1211]

I'm sorry you're both struggling with this so much xanthepants. We've been lucky in that Riley hasn't really had to deal with death yet. She did mention over the weekend that she was "dead" (which really caught me off-guard) but when I asked her what that meant she just said that she was sick.

I know we'll have to deal with it eventually, but for now I'm burying my head in the sand. I also know we'll have to talk about God because I'm sure her friends will start talking about it at some point. But to be honest we haven't come up with a plan yet.

Hugs friend. I hope the other ladies give you some advice that helps!

[xanthepants]

This is going to sound weird but we honestly haven't said the word God or Jesus to her at all. Heaven yes - god no. Sigh. See I'm just not sure I'm ready to go there yet. So nativity, no. I'm more of a All religions in concept are great because they all give meaning to life, give people "good and basic" rules to live by. It's the institutions, I don't jive with and that I have a really hard time aligning with. Now how in the heck do you teach that to a 3 year old. You can't.
So do I bite the bullet and just go somewhere semi-comfortable (so thus Christian because I was raised it), until she is able to make some decisions herself and then help her spread her wings. I feel like it's my duty to give her some answers to life's big questions for now rather than poo-poo them. Somehow. This sucks, because I don't have the answers. I'm jealous of those of you with such certainty. I just know I don't know. Anyway, maybe she's just struggling earlier than most with this stuff because of our situation lately. Hopefully it will blow over quickly too. H and I have had some decent discussions and he's open to going somewhere with us if we decide to go to church once in a while.

[jennmm]

xanthepants, my BIL's girlfriend attends a church that welcomes all religions. I believe they use multiple texts as well in their services. It's pretty much a place for people to seek their own spiritual fulfillment in whatever fashion they choose. They celebrate holidays but in a more secular fashion. I haven't been there but I've seen her reference it and post pics on FB. It seems to have a pretty strong community vibe to it. Maybe even something like that could help you.

[xanthepants]

Thanks jennmm, that sounds interesting too.

BTW - I hope no one is offended by this discussion! Truly, it is coming from a very vulnerable place for me and I consider your advice very meaningful. For what it's worth, A friend was raped/abused by clergy young. Another was turned away from the church when pregnant. These are things that shaped my decision to leave along with certain stances on Gays, women in the church positions. I think Religion has great value in society, I just haven't resolved what it means for me. As a parent it's hard to offer solid words to a child's questions when I don't have an answer. I know from past discussions that we kind of had a wide representation on the board from all walks of life so I figured tapping into the collective knowledge of how you all were approaching these heavy questions wasn't a bad idea. I appreciate all your thoughts so far.

[roo1582]

I'm not going to be much help. We "raise" both kids in the church, but honestly, we're not great about doing a whole lot of teaching about it outside of church. So really, Kayleigh doesn't have a great concept of it. I don't want to push/force it on her, so we only really talk about it if she asks about it, which she does occasionally. So far she hasn't asked about death. Like Riley, Kayleigh will play around and say she is dead, but she doesn't understand what that means. She kind of just associates it with sleeping. Have you looked online to see if there are any videos or something that may explain heaven in a more comfortable way?

I definitely think you can find a Christian church (if that is the route you decide) that is more accepting of your ideals. We go to a Lutheran church that allows gay members, including performing gay marriage. The church allows women to hold whatever roles in the church as men. They very much don't believe in turning anyone away, or "snubbing" anyone based on what happens in their lives. Granted, it took us a while to find it, but they are out there. Just know it may take some time to find a place your comfortable enough for her to grow up in.

[origamimommy]

xanthepants, I know this all too well. We had my grandmother, our dog, and our hamster die this year. It's been a lot. We talked about heaven a lot and would wave to my grandmother in heaven. We talked about how it means we won't get to see them again, etc. I honestly don't know how I would handle the "do kids die" question, because we do have a friend that lost her daughter to cancer this year.

I think the key is finding balance in being honest, but only giving them what they can emotionally handle. And that's so hard. My only advice would be to tell her not to worry about that, because I wouldn't lie, but I certainly wouldn't tell him the truth! Good luck, these conversations suck.

[trixi282]

I'm so sorry you're struggling with finding the answers for Coco. I truly believe your girl is beyond her years!

I too struggle with the catholic church at times. I still have belief of God or a higher power, but the catholic specific beleifs i really don't align with all that well.

The closest we've come to death talk is when she says she's killed... which we tell her we don't say. I've talked about how my grandma is in heaven watching over us, but I don't think she fully grasps that. I don't have any solid advice, I'm just sorry you have to deal with these questions.