Intro and vent/question? So long

[pegleg715]

After j typed all This I realized what A-holes we sound like to be complaining about this. I'm sorry. And it's long

Hi all! I posted a fair amount on TB before DD was born in aug '12. I tried to stay active. But life got in the way. I had DS in July '13 and we are expecting DS2 in June this year.

I also have a 12 year old SD.
H and I have been together for 8 years, and married almost 4, so I've been in DDs life the majority of it.
BM is married with another child as well, 8.

Background: Our relationship with BM has always been what I would call workable. H hasn't been to court since right after SD was born (he and BM were in college and not together), they adjust child support on their own according to the state calculator, and haven't changed their custody agreement. Per the court order we are supposed to have SD every other weekend fri at 5 - sun at 5. We live in different states and about 1.5 hours away from each other. H picks up SD on Saturday and then meets about half way on Sundays at 3:30. So we lose a lot of time. We do Saturday nights because when the court order was done H was still in school and was working at a bar on Friday nights to pay child support, so he didn't get her until sat AM. This lasted until he and I moved in together and his finances were a little lower. She was about 7 at the time.

Anyway, BM is controlling and manipulative but h wants to avoid all fights for SDs sake so he's a complete pushover.

My question/vent is this: now that she's 12 I can see pushing for more time with her. She can be away from her family without a problem, and should be spending time with us when possible. We now get her 2 weeks a summer and February vacation (which we aren't able to take usually because we use our vacation time in the summer with her). We have asked to up the summer to 4 weeks and to get her on Friday nights as dictated in the court order. BM says no too much is going on. We don't deal with the courts and the court order ever. I don't know if we could just say this is what we are doing. And the order is 11 years old.

On the other hand, she's a 12 year old girl. When I was 12 the last thing I wanted was to be away from my friends for a weekend. Even if they were just sitting in someone's room.
I would love to leave this up to SD, but she's more like her father than her mother, and if she says she wants to be with us for something her mother creates conflict and SD backs off. I'm not sure what to do. BM is clearly guilting SD into not wanting to be with us, but while she does that her brothers and sister are going to miss out on getting to know her here. (This doesn't even touch on the constant last minute changes she demands we make and sd has to decide on as well)
The guilt is usually along the lines of "sure you can go with your dad, but that's the weekend we were going to go out on the boat with xyz, or no problem but you will miss your cousins birthday party with everyone there. Little things.

Im fully aware that sometimes it IS her choice to not come. But she spends roughly 30 nights with us a year and I feel like it's time to ask for a little more. Not a lot. Just a little.

How do you handle these things? How do you let SK make choices if you're not sure they are THEIR choices, is there any way to change anything without court? (h asked for mediation last year and she threw a fit)

[ladyannibal]

We're kinda having the same problem but with a 4 year old. Bm manipulates him and makes him feel bad for wanting to stay the night with us so now he never wants to come over anymore. It's frustrating. I wish I could be of more help to you! ::creepy cannibal hugs::

[runnergirl812]

Until your H is willing to go to battle against mom in court, then it won't happen. If he continues to back off, that's the choice he has made. So what she makes a stink?? That's all she can do here. If he were to take her back to court, yes, she'll have a fit, but he likely will also get more court mandated time with his daughter.

Until he does that, there's not much you can do but to make the most of the time you have with SD. Quality over quantity. Is her mom open to Facetime?

Also as SD gets over and is able to drive, that may also change the time she's able to spend with her dad. It's frustrating, but there's very little you can do here. It's up to your husband.

Also, parental alienation is real. Read up on it sometime. I don't have much practical advice other than make the most of the time you get with her.

[CurlieWhirlie]

I agree with runnergirl, it is time to modify the custody schedule officially. It's a pain but if BM knows she can throw a fit and make your H back off, that's what she's going to do because that's what she is used to. It's a power and control thing. He's going to have to break the habit of letting her be in control.

[PAruby525]

This should be taken back to court - for SD! As a product of a split home, I can tell you that at around age 12 I had NO DESIRE at all to spend weekends or summers with my otherwise estranged father. There were other issues than just time sharing (he was abusive and neglectful), but I hated him even more forcing me to go visit him - as you said I was away from my friends. That said, your SD should be allowed to visit you when she wants and not have the guilt of her mother. For that reason, a court mediator or liaison can help allow her to speak her mind confidentially and then help find what's best for her. Then, in the perfect world, she'd have the freedom for more time with you and you'd be understanding when she wanted to do something with friends/school/extracurriculars when they came up... just my 2cents!