Bonding?

[kate61487]

Can those of you BTDT nicu moms tell me about how/when you bonded with your LOs?

DH came back from the nicu the morning they were born and was already totally smitten. Before I'd even been discharged he told me a couple times how he didn't know he could love someone more than he loved me, but our babies changed that.

I don't know what I'm feeling. Disconnected is probably the best description. They're adorable and I don't want anything to hurt them and I have emotional moments while thinking about them, but I just don't feel like this is it. This can't be the extent of what people describe as a love unlike anything you even knew was possible.

I feel like I'm failing them already and I don't even really feel like a mom yet.

[motownthrowdown]

It took me almost 6 months to feel like a mom. Until then, I just felt like I was babysitting. I mean, I loved her, but she wasn't MINE. It's slowly gotten better the longer she's been home. It might just take a while. Hugs. You aren't failing.

In the nicu, I helped with her cares, which made me feel more normal. I held her every chance I got. After she got out, I played with her, I sing to her, I hold her all the time. I read her books. I started a journal too, written to her when she's old enough to get it. That's helped me relate more to her.

[bromios]

I had a very difficult time with the bonding. It was like I felt all the negative emotions that can come with bonding but none of the positive ones. When I got to hold them for the first time I felt nothing. But when one of them got their feeds put on hold because of an infection scare, knowing they were hungry made me want to tear my skin off. When it took three tries to get my daughter's central line in I was in absolute agony. I felt an enormous and absolute sense of obligation to be there as much as I possibly could, to the point where I wouldn't eat or rest (one time I was is such bad shape I couldn't walk straight and one of the NICU nurses made me go take a nap in the family lounge). I felt guilty and desperately protective of them, but the whole "love like you've never known" bit didn't come for a long time. I'm not sure when it really started, maybe after they'd been home for a few months? Definitely before the first year was over I know I was routinely just staring at them with my heart full to bursting. In retrospect, I have come to understand that I was in a space of severe trauma from the eleven days in the hospital before I delivered, three rounds of labor, the delivery, and then seeing my children in boxes with needles in their bodies. My emotional space was filled with pain and basically shut down a lot of the time. There was no room for the joy that underlies that whole love like no other feeling.

TL; DR: I think that's within the normal range of emotional experiences in the NICU and is not indicative of a long-term inability to bond.

[kate61487]

Thanks, guys. It's nice to know I'm not alone, and that eventually things changed for you. I think maybe when they are out of the isolets and I can stare at them without plastic between us it will help

[motownthrowdown]

Dec 25, 2015 22:14:37 GMT -5 kate61487 said:

Thanks, guys. It's nice to know I'm not alone, and that eventually things changed for you. I think maybe when they are out of the isolets and I can stare at them without plastic between us it will help

I noticed a big change when she got into a crib and got to wear clothes.

I think the trauma of a premature birth makes a mental block to try to protect yourself. Like, if you don't feel anything, you can't be hurt.

[sweetcali]

Like motownthrowdown, I also noticed a big change once I could care for her myself, put clothes on her and hold her more. Before that I just felt this overwhelming need to protect her.

[motownthrowdown]

+1 to what jnetx said about rounding. You can ALWAYS, at ANY time, ask to talk to your neonatologists. There were about 100 babies in our nicu and rounding takes time. If your nurses don't give you a good explanation (they are there for rounds, and should be able to look up the notes), ask to talk to the doctors.

[wicked22]

With DS I felt obligated to pump and be there as much as I could but felt no connection. It also took a long time to feel comfortable calling him my son. Then one day it just clicked. With DD currently it's the same thing. I feel obligated to pump however I know how much it took out of me plus DS is 15 months and im a single mom so I have guilt that im choosing to FF instead for sanity sake. I also feel obligated to be there everyday even just for 30mins. The connection however is just not there. I know it will come at some point though.

[runningmommy519]

I was going to say what jnetx said. That even some full term moms have said they didn't bond right away. I think NICU moms have a harder time because of the early delivery and NICU stay.
It's hard to bond with all the wires and nurses constantly coming in and out. Plus it's not "normal" to be in the hospital.

I knew I was a mom the first time I walked into but I'm not sure I felt like one. I think it took a few months. And with my second (just turned 5 months) I would say I recently bonded.

[sweetcali]

I still have a hard time feeling like a mom some days because I go home and the house is empty. No baby. It's really weird to go back and forth.

[theycallmekveld]

It took me a while, but it did come. Probably after a couple months of being at home, I think (it's been a minute )

It was easier for DH. That made me feel so guilty. But at the end of the day I was there for my LO and did my best, and I think it's okay not to bond for a while. Hugs, mama

[theycallmekveld]

Dec 28, 2015 14:16:26 GMT -5 sweetcali said:

I still have a hard time feeling like a mom some days because I go home and the house is empty. No baby. It's really weird to go back and forth.

Hugs this was the hardest part for me, too.

[alygohome]

It took maybe 6 weeks after we left the nicu to feel that crazy love everyone talked about. I was just... Numb before.

My husband bonded quicker.

I almost.. Resented my dd and the whole world at first. I was angry my pregnancy was so hard. I was angry I was induced. Was angry that I didnt get to see/hold dd or get any pictures with her after birth. I was angry at my body.

The health nurse came for a check in and she told me that my feelings were normal and its OK to be angry and sad and scared. After talking to her I was able to let it all go and start bonding.

My DD is almost 1 and my whole world

[kate61487]

Jan 6, 2016 1:17:35 GMT -5 pineapplesmoothie said:

I feel like I bonded once my baby was home and weighed a bit more like 6lbs. When she was full of tubes and needles and wires I felt like I didn't know how to touch her. She was so fragile seeming and I was scared and overwhelmed. When we came home and she was still like 4 lbs I felt like I was going to snap her in half pulling a onesie over her head. I didn't know how to cuddle her or change her because I was almost scared to touch her. I remember just sobbing deliriously over her changing table because I felt like I would break her by just touching her.

As she became more robust I felt like I was able to let myself dive in and fall in love. She is nearly five months old and is the apple of my eye. My greatest joy. This may sound cheesy but baby wearing was a great way to bond. She is close to me but I can still get stuff done. It also calms her tears and puts her to sleep in like two seconds.

You totally put into words what I was just thinking. My little guys are still fairly little (3lb 14 and 4lb 4), but they really just have the cannula and monitoring wires and now that they're in clothes and I see the nurses handling them I've gotten much more confident in holding them, repositioning them, changing their clothes, etc. And I think it's definitely helped.