Dealing with the nursery

[iheartbroccoli]

The nursery is driving me nuts.

We packed up all of the baby gear and have put it in the nursery. I've kept the door shut since because I just can't stand the thought of looking into that room.

If Theo was alive, and we had a second child, we would be reusing most things for the next baby. But I just can't get paste feeling like reusing Theo's stuff would be betraying his memory. We bought everything for him and decorated for him, it belongs to Theo. I also can't get rid of it.

Before Theo was born, I took photos of the nursery and I plan on putting them in the scrapbook I am making for Theo. But I'm not sure what else I should do. What did you do with your nursery/child's room?

I feel like I have to do something with the nursery, but at the same time I can't bring myself to go in there. I hate this right now. Any ideas for how to deal with it?

[Deleted]

*lurking*

I haven't posted here since before the migration, but when I had to pack up our nursery I donated a lot of the bigger stuff to the women's shelter because we weren't planning to ttc anytime soon. I kept some of the smaller stuff in storage at MILs house to pass along as hand me downs of sorts in the future, but over the years I donated all those as well.

Reusing his items isn't betrayal. You're not giving them to a future child and not Theo because they already belonged to Theo. They're his first. Thinking of them as hand me downs really helped me. I don't know. I hope this helps a little.

[happyin14]

(((Living child mentioned))))



When we first lost Jack, I took some of his (or my) favorite things and put them in a box. And then left everything else. Then we finally went through his toys and had some things that were easy to donate. Everything else, I left alone. And I did this piece by piece for two years. We still do it, actually. Our rainbow just got a lot of stuff for Christmas and I will donate or throw away more stuff. I still have that box that is full of things that will only belong to Jack. And other things - like his first Halloween costume that I was SURE would be used by all my kids - became "just Jack's" and won't be used by other kids. And I gave away all of his bottles - they felt weird to reuse. Even though that's a very typical thing to reuse.

This is all to say, take your time. It's hard. I won't lie. It's painful and you'll cry and probably scream a bit. That's good for you, too. And totally normal. When you are ready, you'll know what to do with the stuff. And if you don't, just move it around and wait until the next time. Hang in there. It's so, so hard.

[CattyNattyRN]

**Lurking**

So, when we lost Tucker I had my parents go home and take all the furniture to their storage and pack away all the baby things while I was still in the hospital. This was something that at the time I felt would be easier. However, now I think it would have helped with closure for DH and I to pack it all away. However, I still went through all of his things several times when I was needing to feel closer to him.

**Pregnancy mentioned**

When we started TTC again, my DH was so excited for the possibility to have another boy. Both of us grew up in larger families, and the idea of hand-me-downs from an older sibling really helped us. Those things WERE Tucker's, but even if he had lived, they would have been passed down to a younger sibling. Now that we are actually pregnant and know that it will be another boy, that's all I can think of. I am so glad that we kept all of Tucker's stuff so that even if we lost him, we can still savor those memories of preparing for him by passing his things on to his little brother. It will be hard, to begin taking them out of the closet and putting them back together for this new LO, but it's Tucker that will be honored in it. And I can't imagine a better way (for us) to honor his memory than passing down the items we lovingly purchased for him onto his sibling.

Nothing about this is easy. Take your time and do whatever YOU feel comfortable with. Sending you lots of HUGS, sweet lady!!

[iheartbroccoli]

Thank you everyone for your help! I think I am pressuring myself to handle the nursery because I still haven't returned to work and am home all day. So I feel like the nursery is taunting me.

I think I'm going to try to put it out of my mind and give myself more time before I make any decisions. I realized I'm not ready to go through his things, even if it is to pick out my favorite things.

Thank you!

[pickles4prez]

**lurking, living child mentioned*

(Hugs) this is hard stuff you're dealing with.

When we lost Otto, I closed the door to the nursery and didn't open it again for quite a few months. When I felt brave, I would stand in the room and let myself cry. I knew I wanted to keep trying, so I didn't get rid of anything. For a while, I thought of it as his shrine.
Once we had our rainbow baby, I made it a point to use everything we had bought or been gifted for him. His name in tin letters still decorates the room.' Onesies that we painted for him, she wears. Siblings share and hand-me-downs were a part of my childhood, and now are a part of my children's.

Give yourself time, unless you are selling the house or need the room for something else, don't pressure yourself to do anything until you feel it's the right time.

[orangepickle]

iheartbroccoli I'm pretty new to this myself but I leave the nursery room door closed most of the time. I do plan on having more children though, and I get really excited by the idea of letting Jack's brothers and/or sisters use his clothes, toys, crib... everything. I want my future children to know about their big brother who they never got the chance to meet and I hope them having a lot of hand me downs from Jack will help them learn about him and remember him. It's different for everyone, so that might not be the right approach for you, but maybe it's just about changing your perspective?

[iheartbroccoli]

Jan 7, 2016 21:26:04 GMT -5 orangepickle said:

iheartbroccoli I'm pretty new to this myself but I leave the nursery room door closed most of the time. I do plan on having more children though, and I get really excited by the idea of letting Jack's brothers and/or sisters use his clothes, toys, crib... everything. I want my future children to know about their big brother who they never got the chance to meet and I hope them having a lot of hand me downs from Jack will help them learn about him and remember him. It's different for everyone, so that might not be the right approach for you, but maybe it's just about changing your perspective?

It's strange, but I never thought of it that way. That using Theo's belongings can help them get to know their older brother. I really like that idea.

And thank you again to everyone.

[stefuge]

***Haven't posted in a while***siggy warning***

((Hugs)) the nursery is so so hard. After we lost Colton, we left the nursery alone for a while and I would sit in there or go through his things now and then. As I felt ready, I slowly started moving things out of the nursery and putting them in other rooms - a side table and chair to the living room, book shelf to a different bedroom. I also started taking the elephants we had in his room and putting them around the house as a visible sign of him in our home, and I still collect elephants for him now over two years later. I also paced a box of the most special things that were just his, and would always be just his, and put them away.

About 9 months after we lost him, we moved to a new house and that really forced a full on packing up of his room and it was tough, especially knowing we were leaving the only home where he would ever have a bedroom. We decided to keep everything - the furniture and clothes, toys and baby gear, cause we knew we would likely try again and would reuse everything.

***PGAL mentioned***
Almost two years after we lost Colton, we found out we were expecting his little brother and just last month I finally pulled out all the baby stuff. Going through clothes and blankies and toys and everything again was hard. I cried plenty. But my love for this child is as great as my love for Colton, so the pain is bittersweet, mixed with joy and hope. He will share his toys and clothes, because that's what siblings do. After going through the nursery stuff, I then went back trough Colton's special box of clothes and toys and other items that will always be his, and just spent that time with my boy dwelling again on all we had lost.

*****

I think with all things related to grief, do what feels right in the timeframe that works for you. Don't let someone tell you you're doing something wrong, or that the nursery should be emptied out right away. It is hard, and you will work through it as you are able.

[angelsnight]

Sorry I am a little late to this. When we lost Kayla her room wasn't ready yet as I was only 22 weeks. We had registered, but hadn't had a shower yet, so the only thing I had bought for her was a onsie. The plan was to paint her room gray, with pink accents. We started TTC almost as soon as we were allowed, and I knew I would't be in any frame of mind to paint, and it felt sad to me to leave it unpainted. So my FIL painted it gray as planned, but left out any accent colors since we didn't know if we would have another girl, or a boy.

When we found out we were having another daughter, I wanted to make sure everything was different. I wanted to register at a different store, I wanted different furniture, different theme. For us it was easier because nothing really had been bought, so we just had to change our ideas. When Emily was first born, it was difficult, knowing it should have been Kayla's room. But after a while the weirdness subsided. I still think of it from time to time, but having a different theme/furniture from what we originally picked definitely helps. I have a shadow box that holds the blanket Kayla was wrapped in after she was born, the outfit she wore, her little bonnet they gave her and an angel ornament. It hangs on the wall in Emily's nursery...kind of like a tribute, to honor Kayla since it is kind of her room too.