Sadly, I belong here now (XP cal LC mentioned)

[rslh10]

Hi Guys,

I'll start at the beginning.

• Married my best friend in May 2010, got KU the very first try (June 2010) with my DS who was born by emergency c-section @ 35 weeks due to severe Pre-eclampsia.

• TTC # 2 August 2013 for a few months with no luck. Went in to my OB in February of 2014 and she wouldn't agree to any testing because "it can take so many months for a normal couple to get pregnant..blah blah blah" I felt like that wasn't the case because I got KU so easily with DS. Well, I found another OB and she tested my AMH (egg reserve) levels. They were super low (.58). I started medicated cycles with her. First cycle led to my first miscarriage ( yesterday was my EDD for that loss...baby would be 1). My loss was ectopic at 5w6d.

• I did a bunch of medicated cycles with my new OB, but then she said I should seek out an RE. I then started seeing my RE, did a few medicated cycles with him, and benched myself October-December 2014. I went back optimistic in January and did my last ever Clomid cycle/Trigger/IUI. We ended up canceling the IUI because my follicle grew too big. I was told to have TI and not expect much. I got KU. This pregnancy ended in a CP. (EDD 10/13/2015)

• I then chose to do a ton of vitamins/follistim/trigger/IUI. First IUI wasn't successful.

• April 2015 I upped my follistim injects. This IUI was successful. Everything was perfect and my numbers went up. I saw the heartbeat at 6w1d, and fell in love.  I graduated from my RE, and saw a different OB than the one I did medicated cycles with at 9w. Everything was great. She ran the verifi genetic testing- everything came back normal and it was a girl I left this OB practice and went back to my old OB (who detected my low AMH) and had an amazing experience at her practice.

My entire pregnancy was uneventful. I never had any issues, and my blood pressure was always kept under control. I developed Gestational Diabetes this pregnancy, but it was ALWAYS controlled with my diet. There was no reason for me to worry. EVER. I had a growth ultrasound at 36+5 and she was perfect.

On 12.29.15, one week before my scheduled c-section date,  I went to L&D due to (very very mild) contractions. 7-10 minutes apart. When we arrived they were unable to find her heartbeat, which was confirmed by ultrasound. I was devastated. There was no warning. I had gone from arriving at L&D and expecting to possibly be given a c-section and meet my sweet perfect girl, to my whole world crashing down around me...

I gave birth to my daughter Ken.ley Al.den on 12.29.15 @ 10:32pm. She was stillborn.  She was perfect in every way. 7lbs 5oz. 20 inches long. I was 38+4.

The day before I had her, I used my doppler and she had a very strong, normal heartbeat. The Dr said that she had passed away less than 24 hours before we arrived at L&D. I believe in my heart that I know the moment she passed away. 


My RE suggested 8 months before we start trying again. My OB said 1 year (2 c-sections increases uterine rupture %)  I say no, that's not going to fly in my book. I hope to make an appt with my RE and hopefully he will agree to allow me to cycle in May/June.

I had my 2 week post op follow up yesterday and my OB tested my AMH and Vitamin D levels. I know that I'm not going to try before the 5-6 month mark, but it feels good to be "in control" of knowing that information. I don't know if any of this makes any sense- I'm still really numb about it all... but that's my story.

I hate to be here and I have tons of emotions and questions. I've been sad/mad/confused/guilty. I'm sure you all can relate. The feeling I have most is guilt. She was my baby and I couldn't save her. I should have known. Why didn't my body warn me something was wrong?

We sent her for in depth genetic testing, an autopsy, and had my placenta tested. I know we probably won't get answers, but I need to know I did everything I could to try and find out what happened to my sweet perfect daughter. I hope you'll have me.
 

[snowbigdeal]

Gigantic hugs. I am so sorry for your loss of Ken.ley Al.den. Is that her picture in your siggy? She is beautiful.

My first pregnancy ended in a stillbirth at 33 weeks. One day I just stopped feeling him move, and went in to the doctor and there was no heartbeat. Similar to your story, I had no reason to worry before that, it was a textbook pregnancy, nothing wrong or unusual at all until...he just died. It was such a terrible, out-of-the-blue thing. So I know how blindsided you must feel. We also had every possible test performed, fetal karyotype, placental pathology, autopsy, but didn't get any answers. Which, as my doctor put it, is a blessing and a curse...no answers generally means that your risk for this happening again will be minimal, but obviously it is amazingly frustrating to not know what happened. I still find myself trying to come up with scenarios in my head about what happened.

I also think that I know the moment my son died, though of course I didn't recognize it for what it was as it was happening. And I kick myself for not getting in to the doctor sooner, and for not having/picking up on signs...so I know how bad the guilty feelings can be. But try to remember that you did the absolute best you could for your baby, and that there was, quite literally, nothing different that you should have done given the circumstances. You are a good mama.

Regarding trying again... (warning, rainbow mentioned)

I felt similar to you, I really really really wanted to try again as soon as possible. For a bevy of reasons. I just wanted a baby, I thought it would redeem me, etc. My doc gave the green light for me to try as soon as I felt ready, with the theory that once my cycle started, it meant my body was physically ready. She did encourage me to wait until I had at least one period, so that we could be more accurate about the conception date. Also caveat -- I had vaginal birth, I'm sure it is different with c-sections. We ended up conceiving our daughter 2.5 months after the loss of our son. She is 9 months old now. The second pregnancy was hard, but I'm glad that we tried as soon as we got the green light from our doc. I have lots of thoughts and feels on trying again when you are ready to hear them, but I won't inundate you with them until you ask

I'm happy to share more about my experiences or help with any questions or anything that you have. Again, I am so, so sorry for your loss. The board tends to be slow, but I know that everyone here is ready to give you support and love.

If you want to share...do you have plans to memorialize your little girl?

[rslh10]

snowbigdeal That is her photo in my sig. My Husband took the photo and I didn't know he had. When we were home days later, he showed it to me and it's my favorite photo. She looks so perfect and peaceful. My poor sweet girl.


Thank you for all of your kind words. Your post really spoke to me and it was comforting because you said a lot of what was on my mind/how I'm feeling. I do want to try asap but the wait time is for the c-section. I'm hoping that the RE will be sympathetic to my situation and give me the safest shortest wait time. Had my OB mentioned a VBAC + trying again asap during the moment I probably would have agreed to do it. I have an infertility diagnosis, so it's just adding salt to my wound. I could "technically" try on cycle 3, but my chances of a natural pregnancy are less than 2% and it never happened in 2.5 years so why the hell would it happen now.

I would love to hear your thoughts on trying again/experiences with the loss etc. I want to hear it all. I came on this specific board looking for info on what to do with the nursery and there was a giant thread started the day before I came looking. I'm so thankful it's here. I feel so lost. Her whole room is done. Her clothes were all put away, I had all of her diapers out and stocked on her changing table...she was supposed to be here. I'm so so angry that I didn't know something was wrong. I'm sure the feelings are normal, but I would love to hear more of how you felt/how you handled it. What did you do about your nursery?

As for memorializing her- We are currently in talks with the hospital. We spent our time with her in a room that was on the L&D floor but was very quiet and I never heard another baby the entire time I was there. I want that room to be named for her. I know it's going to cost us something if they even agree to do it, but I don't care. I spent my time with my baby girl there, and that's what I hope they will agree to. I also have a few other ideas on the table but I feel like they are pretty standard and generic. As far as doing something here at the house, or whatever- we had her cremated. I have her urn on my dresser and I kiss her goodnight every night. I just don't know what else I could do.

I met with a tattoo artist yesterday and he sketched up a tattoo for me. I go on the 28th to get my line work done because it's going to be two sessions (pretty large). I can't wait.

[wrenofthesea]

I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful daughter Ken.ley and that you now find yourself part of our group. That is a lovely photo that your husband took. Please do feel free to ask questions and post what you need. It is a slow board but also a supportive and loving place.

My daughter Lillian was stillborn at 41 weeks in Oct 2014, very unexpected and very sudden. I do not have a home doppler but I had seen my OB the day before and she had a great heartbeat and was moving and grooving during the appointment. In fact she was moving and definitely alive when I went to bed that night, but when I woke up the next morning I was in labor and I now know that she was gone. My pregnancy was pretty normal and low risk, nothing to indicate ever that I wouldn't be bringing my daughter home in my arms. From my recollection and what my doctors could determine she most likely did go very suddenly and they tell me that there couldn't have been any way for me to know. That doesn't stop the guilt and the anger at myself and my body. Still, 15 months later, I have a hard time and flashbacks to that night or that day and why couldn't I have had some sort of intuition or feeling that something was going to happen. There is just no fairness in it.

I sent her for autopsy and they also took the cord and placenta. When I was admitted to the hospital they also took lots and lots of blood from me and ran just about every test they could. All that came back was possibly infection, everything else indicated healthy baby girl. It wasn't a known infection, just that there was indication of infection. It is frustrating and upsetting to not have a definite answer, but at the same time there is a small amount of comfort that every avenue was explored and my doctors made a serious effort to try and find out why she died.

Be kind with yourself and you and your family are in my thoughts. I think that your plans for memorializing her sound wonderful. Know also that it is ok to take your time in trying to find ways to remember her and honor her. ((hugs))

[iheartbroccoli]

rslh10 I'm so sorry for your loss. She is so beautiful.

I am going through a lot of the same emotions. Textbook pregnancy--no issues with my blood pressure or any blood tests, no amniotic fluid leaking, NOTHING to indicate that my son wasn't developing properly. I went into labor at 41 weeks. He died the day after he was born from underdeveloped lungs. I feel so guilty because my body made him and I had no idea he wasn't ok. I feel like any concerns/doubts I had about the pregnancy caused him to be so sick.

I started the nursery thread, and since then I've been able to go into his nursery a couple of times. His nursery was koala themed. One of the prints I bought for his room was a koala bear peaking out from a tree that said "I see you and I love you". I've brought that into our bedroom, it's on our dresser facing our bed. I like to think he is watching us through that. I also put up a koala decal on one of his walls, which I plan on taking down and putting up in our library sometime. It will take a long time to take down the decal properly, so I'm waiting until I'm ready to spend that much time in his room. I'm trying to incorporate some of the decor of his nursery into the rest of the house. I'm doing it piece by piece, not rushing myself. I want to see little reminders of him throughout the house.

I'm making a photo book of Theo's life, starting at the beginning of my pregnancy. I plan on taking photos of all of his outfits, and including them in the photo book. I want to always remember all of the cutes clothes we had for him, and this way I can picture him in his outfits.

I also had a c-section, and my doctor has given me the ok to start trying whenever I'm ready emotionally. This was my first c-section, so I'm not sure if that plays into her giving me the ok. Our plan is to start trying in June.

We are terrified of trying again. We want another child so bad, but it scares me how everything can seem ok and end so tragically. It's a huge reminder that we don't have much control in life, and that angers and terrifies me. So I'm doing everything I can over the next few months to get as healthy as possibly. This may or may not make a difference, but it's more for my peace of mind. We were planning on being "one and done", and part of me feels guilty that we are only going to try for another because Theo died. I know any future children won't replace Theo and I will love them just as much, but I still feel guilty...

I love your idea of having the floor named after her, and I hope the hospital agrees to that. That sounds like a great way to memorialize your daughter.

Hugs. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

[flutterfly88]

rslh10, I'm so sorry to have to welcome you here and for the loss of your sweet Ken.ley. I understand your feelings of guilt, I've had so much since losing DS1. One thing that helped me a little was this article stillstandingmag.com/2013/06/why-you-didnt-fail-as-a-mother/
Take your time and read it slowly. It is true. iheartbroccoli you should read it too.

I hope even though we're a slower paced board, you're able to find the support you're looking for here.

[rslh10]

flutterfly88 that was a really really good article, thank you. It's all stuff that my rational brain knows, but my sad mom brain just doesn't listen.

[happyin14]

rslh10, I am so so sorry you are here. There are some differences between our stories - but also some similarities, so I'll try and share what I think will help. My son was killed suddenly when he was 2.5 years old.

Here's the thing I've learned since I lost him (and maybe almost right away). The reality is that if we had ANY indication, we would have done something. there was nothing to know ahead of time. Nothing for us to do. Sometimes really horrible awful things happen. There's no reason, there was no way to know ahead of time, there were no signals. I ABSOLUTELY believe you know the moment your child died. I believe that. We were driving to the house and when we got there, I already knew. I didn't try and run into the house or anything - I just knew. We feel these things. Their DNA is LITERALLY part of us. Actually, scientifically in our body. We're forever connected.

Which leads me to another thing that has helped. Your baby's DNA is in you. Still a living part of you. And will actually end up being a part of any future babies. Isn't science cool? It's helped knowing Jack is physically still with me. Some days, anyway.

I'd love to hear about your tattoo. I've thought about getting one for 2 years and still don't know what it would be. So I'd love to hear what you are doing.

On the C-section front, I've had two and my OB is fine with me getting pregnant again. She says I healed well the first time (something they maybe didn't pay attention to with you?) and she's really confident that I'm in good shape. She did want me to wait 6 months before TTC again to make sure that everything is given a super good chance to heal. ALSO. REST. Don't push it. Don't do more than you should. Be lazy and stubborn about it. You have to heal the best you can. I don't mean the grief - that too... but physically, take care of your body and give it the best chance to take care of the next baby.

iheartbroccoli, I've been super worried about the same thing. We always wanted two, I have two - just one in heaven. And our third wouldn't be here (when we decide to do this again) if Jack hadn't died. BUT. I talked about this with a REALLY good friend of mine. Said I felt guilty and what if that child KNEW that. Really felt or understood that they were only here because Jack died. What does that do to a kid? She so smartly told me not to worry about that. that "mistake" kids happen all the time, right? Whoops, didn't plan to have a third! And those kids laugh about it. They aren't scarred. The parents aren't scarred. They are all okay. So while it's COMPLETELY different, it's not so different. It's really helped me. A lot.

[iheartbroccoli]

flutterfly88 Thank you for that article, it was great to read that. I've saved it for future reference.

happyin14 Thank you for that as well, it's good to hear from others feeling the same thing.

[murrt]

I'm so sorry you have to be here, and bless your sweet Ken.ley. You'll find a great group of people here to support you.

[orangepickle]

I'm so sorry to say welcome. Your daughter is so beautiful!

As we all unfortunately know better than anyone, no mother should ever have to lose her child.

I will be a total hypocrite here for a second, because I still feel immense guilt for my son's death as I think most people do, but please know that it's not your fault and your little girl loves you very much.

That being said, this sucks. And that's a huge understatement. So my best advice is for you to talk about her as much as you can and want to, talk to her, and I personally find it helpful to write letters to my little Jack... and most importantly, just be open to feeling all the emotions. They come in waves and no feeling or thinking is "wrong" so long as you aren't hurting yourself or anyone else.

Hugs to you and hoping you are successful in ttc when you get there

[snowbigdeal]

There is a great book called Trying Again by Douglas and Sussman that really helped me think through the process of a subsequent pregnancy, both physically and emotionally/psychologically:amzn.com/0878331824 .I recommend picking it up soon, even if you aren't ready to start trying just yet -- it has a lot of great stuff for the pre-trying again stage. There were so many feelings I had that I wouldn't have anticipated, and the book really helped me through many of them.

Our son was cremated as well, we have a little urn, pictures, and some other keepsakes in a little memorial area in our bedroom. For a long time, I carried his urn and his pictures with me whenever we left the house. I was so afraid that there would be a fire or something, and I wanted to keep them safe. We also planted a blueberry bush in his memory at my parents' garden(we are renting, and we wanted a more permanent place). We didn't do any sort of formal memorial service, though on his due date, my H and I visited some special spots we had gone during the pregnancy and had kind of a quiet day of reflection. I really love your idea of naming the hospital room, and also designing your tattoo. Those are beautiful ways to memorialize your daughter.

We did not have nursery set up, since we were literally in the middle of moving when he died --everything was boxed up, half at our old house and half at our new house. We put the baby boxes in a closet and I ended up going through them about six months later, when I felt ready. It was therapeutic to go through the boxes, even though it was hard. I ended up using almost everything for our daughter. It feels bittersweet, but okay. I know many people don't want to use the things from their lost baby, and that is okay too. I think it is a very personal decision.

One of the hardest things after our loss was dealing with other people's reactions to it. Many friends and even family just didn't acknowledge it. I think they just didn't know what to say. Worse, many people said the completely wrong thing, and that hurt so bad. But there were also many people who were amazingly comforting and kind, and H's death helped me create some close relationships that I never would have thought I would have. Acknowledging the positive effects of his death was one of the major things that helped me come to terms with it. Obviously, they didn't make it okay, but they helped me figure out how to incorporate the loss into my life, if that makes any sense. In the end, there was a lot of pain, but also a lot of love that came out of the experience.

In the end, what I learned is that there is no easy way through loss. It is terrible and you just have to live with it, even though you might sometimes feel like you can't. But if you look, you can sometimes also find some beautiful things.

[rslh10]

snowbigdeal, I don't think that we want to have a memorial for her. My MIL was asking if we were going to do anything, and at the time I had no desire. I was in denial...I am still. It doesn't feel real, it can't be MY life, you know? I've been thinking that maybe this spring sometime we could do a little something for her. I was also thinking that maybe next year, on her birthday we could possibly go to the zoo lights (xmas lights at the zoo) and see if they will let us release balloons or a lantern there. She was listening to xmas music in my belly since november 1st, so I know she would have loved the zoo lights. It's something we do as a family every year, and we didn't go this year because I was super pregnant, but now I wish we would have gone.

I'm sort of struggling a little bit with the "everyone's life is going on, and mine is forever changed" type feelings right now. I feel like each week that passes is a tad easier, and I hate it. I feel like I want to yell everywhere we go "I AM SUPPOSED TO HAVE A DAUGHTER!". I want to tell everyone about her. I feel like it's verbal diarrhea and it just comes out of my mouth for absolutely no reason. Everyone needs to know about her. Ugh. It's hard. Yesterday at dinner, we were getting seated by the hostess and she said "Just you three", and I lost it. No. Not just us three (though technically it is), it's supposed to be us 4. We're supposed to be carrying around this beautiful little thing, and watching her coo and suck her fingers. It really hurt to hear those words for the first time in 9 months and really really realize that yeah...it is JUST us three. She's not even inside of me anymore.

Then today, my dr's office called me and some woman asked how my C-section went on January 5th...Kenley's repeat c-sectino date...I said "excuse me?" and she repeated herself. So I kind of freaked out and said she was stillborn on 12.29 so I never got to have that c-section!! and the woman just repeated herself that she was calling to check on me. I said well thanks for calling and I'm doing terribly if you really want to know, and then hung up the phone. I felt bad because I lost my shit on this woman, but hmmmm...is that not in my chart somewhere or what?

Sorry for going off on a rant there, but re: trying again... I'm waiting for my doctors office to call me with my lab results of a few tests that I had done. My AMH (egg reserve) and Vitamin D. I have an IF dx so I'm hoping that the results of my AMH levels will sway my RE to allow us to cycle sooner rather than later (at his suggested 8 month time period...yuck). I want another child. I WANT Kenley back, but I know that is impossible. I know that in my heart, trying again as soon as we can will be what heals us. It will allow us to go into her room, and look at her things. it will allow us to bring these walls down and accept the fact that she is gone. She. is. gone. She will never be here, she will never come back, this isn't a nightmare, and it's my life now. Having the focus shifted off of the pain, will truly help me. Knowing that I'm moving forward, will truly help me.

I think it will help my husband as well. We both needed Kenley, and we both still need her. If we can't have her, then we both agree we want to keep trying and do everything we can in our power to have another child, to have her sibling.

Thank you guys for being here to let me vent, and talk about these things. I truly appreciate it. The input from all of you is exactly what I need right now.

snowbigdeal,wrenofthesea,iheartbroccoli,flutterfly88,happyin14,murrt,orangepickle

[flutterfly88]

So many (((((hugs)))))) rslh10, I understand your wanting to talk about her, I still bring up my Parker any chance I get. I'm so sorry about the nurse from your doctor's office, I would probably bring it up with the doctor, if I were you, it sounds like she could use some sensitivity reminders.

[rslh10]

Jan 20, 2016 23:07:37 GMT -5 flutterfly88 said:

So many (((((hugs)))))) rslh10, I understand your wanting to talk about her, I still bring up my Parker any chance I get. I'm so sorry about the nurse from your doctor's office, I would probably bring it up with the doctor, if I were you, it sounds like she could use some sensitivity reminders.

I actually text my dr immediately. The dr explained that it's routine for them to call and check up on all procedures, but that the girl who called was a student and for whatever reason didn't see that my information. No excuse obviously and the girl is lucky we were on the phone Cus fuck that noise.

[murrt]

I'm so sorry rslh10

Here's my advice, for what it's worth.

Talk about her. I find myself talking too and it's natural. People will be uncomfortable, let them be. Keep talking anyway. Tell people it helps to talk about her because they won't know what to do or say, and unfortunately, some people's reactions or lack-thereof will disappoint you. And you're right, Kenley was supposed to be here with you. When triggers come up to remind you that she's not here, let them. Know they will come when you don't expect them, and when they do, feel it. Because losing it on a waitress, or a grocery store clerk (in my case) is OK.

If you don't want to do a memorial or anything right now, that's ok. There will be ways you can honor Kenley later. I did nothing at first. Now I talk, and I bought an ornament I customized to honor my baby 6 months later. One that will be with us forever.

As for wanting to try again, I understand that feeling. DH and I also suffer from infertility. It's absolutely another layer that is very tough to deal with. I got clearance to try again after a few months and I did too soon. I had PTSD from ultrasounds and blood draws related to our next attempt (an FET) . That pregnancy ended in an early miscarriage. I tried IVF after that which ended in a BFN and am now trying again. This is the first time I feel truely ready. It's so much easier said, but don't rush it. I do think you can grieve and be pregnant at the same time, and I know the urge to try again to be happy again and be hopeful. There is no easy answer, but I'm here for you if you want to talk about it.

Finally, are you seeing a therapist? Honestly, I do t know how I survived this or how I would have without mine. She does a special therapy called Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) which is designed for trauma. She specializes in infertility and loss and using EFT, I feel so much better. The triggers come less because I work through them with her. I highly, highly recommend it.

Huge hugs.

[iheartbroccoli]

rslh10 I don't have much to say but I wanted to give you big hugs. I'm so sorry and my heart aches for you.

Don't rush yourself into a memorial if you're not ready. Others may try to pressure you into having one, but please know it's ok to say no. Your feelings are the ones that matter.

Talk about your daughter as much as you want. My husband and I told all of our friends and family that we want them to bring up our son, we want to talk about him just as much as any parent of a living child wants to talk about their child. We love our child just as much as any other parent, him being in Heaven doesn't change that. I felt like not talking about him meant he didn't matter. And he does, and so does your daughter.

[wrenofthesea]

I am sorry about the call from your doctor's office. I hope that your doctor takes it seriously how upsetting this call made you and considers how to make sure this doesn't happen in the future to either you again or someone else. They seriously need to rethink their system or how they do their files.

Don't feel that you need to have a memorial, or at least that you need to have one right away. We are all different and while some of us had memorials soon after some of us didn't and some might not ever have one and that is all OK. H and I didn't really do anything like a memorial until what would have been her first birthday. We did do small things throughout the year to remember her and include her in our lives, but as far as a memorial nothing really felt right before then and also we just didn't want to. My MIL was a little miffed as she was thinking there should be a memorial, but in the end all that mattered was what H and I wanted as we are the parents.

Please do talk about your daughter whenever and however you like. There will be some people that just can't handle it, they get awkward or think that your shouldn't be talking about her or in that way, but that is their issue. There will also be people that will listen with open ears and compassion and will take the cue from you that talking about her is is OK and welcomed. I loved talking about my daughter whether it was with a smile or with loads of tears. I saw this on stillstandingmag and I think that myths #2 and #3 really fit here

stillstandingmag.com/2016/01/5-common-myths-about-bereaved-parents/

[snowbigdeal]

rslh10, I'm so sorry about your doctor's office. Within five minutes of us walking in the door after coming home from the hospital, we got a similar call from somebody at our insurance company offering to sign us up for free postnatal childcare classes. It was so painful, and I know that the woman who called felt terrible about it as well. But it's still terrible that somebody somewhere made the mistake of allowing those calls to happen.

Both H and I had a number of similar things happen with other friends and acquaintances, mostly people who we don't see often, who knew about the pregnancy but not the loss. Those were (and are) awkward conversations, and I wish I had been more prepared for them.

[newmomma8]

I've been thinking of you a lot lately. I miss you and can't get you out of my mind. I hope you are doing well and I think I can speak for everyone to say we miss you!!!

[rslh10]

Jan 31, 2016 19:44:18 GMT -5 newmomma8 said:

I've been thinking of you a lot lately. I miss you and can't get you out of my mind. I hope you are doing well and I think I can speak for everyone to say we miss you!!!

This made me cry I miss you guys too, so so much.

[dadalou]

rslh10 I'm sorry for the loss of your daughter. She is beautiful.

In February of 2014 my son was stillborn at 39 1/2 weeks. I had less movement that day and was going to be induced. The induction was just getting started and his heartbeat was lost. He actually died about 5 minutes before delivery because of a maternal fetal hemorrhage.

I started a blog a few months after he died. (Nathaniel's Legacy) Writing there really helped me and still does 2 years later. Also we do fun things on the 6th of every month to remember him.

******rainbow baby /living child mentioned*******
I had an emergency c section with him and was advised to wait for no less than 5 months before getting pregnant again. We ended up getting pregnant just about 5 months later and now have a 10 month old daughter. The pregnancy was difficult emotionally and physically. Also there was a lot of extra monitoring. At the end I had appointments twice a week with NSTs, ultrasounds, blood draws.

[angelsnight]

I can completely relate to your feelings of guilt. My story is a bit different, I went into preterm labor at 22 weeks 1 day, Kayla was born sleeping the next morning. I could still feel her kicking as late as 30 minutes before she was born. So the only reason she didn't survive was because she was too little for this world.

There was nothing wrong with her, she wasn't sick, she didn't have any complications or birth defects. She was 100% healthy but she couldn't survive because MY body couldn't keep her where she was safe. Rationally I know, I didn't do anything to cause it, and if I could have I would have done anything to save her. But like you said, as her mother, it was my number one job to keep her safe, and I couldn't do that. The guilt over that was probably one of the toughest things I dealt with.

So just know, you're not alone. The feeling is very common. I didn't read all the replies so I am not sure if someone already suggested it, but the article, Why you didn't fail as a mother, by Angela Miller is amazing. It's my mantra I read whenever I need some encouragement. I'm so so sorry for the loss of your sweet little girl. She is so beautiful. Big hugs