When your parenting philosphies differ

[mightybee]

D has been in a challenging phase lately--I think he's still recovering  from Christmas and is trying to catch up on sleep. Anyway, he's been acting out by pushing, hitting, etc. directed at me, my H, and Paige.

My strategy has more or less been to firmly tell him that we don't hit/push/etc., to try to name the feeling he is experiencing, and to give him an example of another way he can express his frustration (though I feel that I don't always do a good job of not letting my own emotions seep through). My bigger goal is to try to teach him empathy--we don't hit because it hurts someone else, not because of the negative consequences you might be subject to personally if you hit. I've also tried taking things away sometimes or leaving him alone because I don't want to play with him when he hits, because I worry that just talking through it isn't enough to teach him (realizing that it seems like a mixed message).

In the past week or so, D has slapped H in the face during a couple of recent bedtime routines and my H gives him a spank. My H is more authoritative and from my perspective, reacts in a way that tells Dylan he cannot hit others/introduces a power differential. He says he hates spanking, but feels that it is the clearest way to show that we do not hit (I cannot get behind spanking as a way to teach hitting as wrong, but I also feel like I can't tell him how to react and I don't feel strongly enough about it to push it).

We had a good talk about it last night, but we couldn't decide if having these different approaches was confusing or healthy for Dylan. I wonder how/if Dylan processes our differences? 


Anyway, that got long. But basically, it got me wondering if there are any areas where you and your partner's parenting approaches differ and how that looks in your family.


I might DD this later because part of me feels like I'm calling my H out and that makes me feel guilty :-(

[tribute17]

Yes we differ. Kind of like you and your H but we both agree that spanking is not a right approach. H has a lower tolerance for things and gets angrier faster. His parents used hitting/spanking quite a bit so he doesn't want to. Usually we argue about what is an offense. I have more patience and some things don't bother me as much as they do him.

Patrick responds well to me leaving and letting him calm down. He understands that we don't hit but if he does I don't want to play with him. Or he responds to a firm voice now more than he used to. I definitely try to reward good behavior and ignore bad as much as possible.

It has led to multiple arguments in our house, more than anything ever has before. Overall we agree but try to at least have a unified front. I'm definitely the soft one though.

[nursedesi]

I'm much like you amd try to calmy discuss the behavior and label the emotion. Whem he gets a time out we then discuss why he had the tike out then apologize and hug and say that we love each other. I do one swat on the but if he deliberately hurts Logan. For instance he bit him once. He then gets a time out after that.

H definitely gets irritated easier and doesn't have as much patience and is quick to threaten with spanking but rarely goes through with it. Like when he's giving Henry a bath and he's crying and thowing a fit about washing his face H will threaten to spank but never does.

We definitely have differences in our parenting styles. I think that H alaus threatening punishment and doesn't do it is his down fall.

Henry is really a good kid. I would say maybe 2 time outs a week? Maybe 1 spanking every 3 months? He listens well, but I do wish me and H were on the same page with discipline. Like tribute17 said, it does cause issues when we disagree on punishments.

I really do think he can tell that we deal with punishment differently because he is terrified to be spanked so listens to H better I feel.

[somethingcleverer]

H and I differ quite a bit on parenting strategy and I never handle our differences very well. H is a little militant in his style IMO. He expects the kids to snap to it and listen immediately. While I'll be more flexible and I prefer the 1,2, 3 then time out approach. Other times he will yell then be like "fine do whatever you want" which drives me crazy because we need to follow through on threats and time outs.

It causes a lot of fight around here and we need a better way to parent together but since I'm with the kids the majority of the time I feel he should follow my parenting lead.
As far as spanking goes, h used to spank when we went through those difficult times with Shane and I felt it just caused more behavior problems and aggression. So we did agree that wasn't working but h will still threaten to spank.

[xanthepants]

My H has patience until he does not. And then he flies off the handle and is a manchild and overreacts for hours with discipline. It's not appropriate IMHO. I think you have to be able to put it away quickly and resolve it even if the kid is pushing every button (which honestly isn't very often). And I can't point that out to him because it worsens the situation. We both don't believe in spanking though I have slipped once and done it. For the most part we agree on what deserves a time out - and we back each other even if we might not have gotten there quite as fast as the other, we show solidarity.
But I will say there is good cop and bad cop in our house. We all can see it.

[tribute17]

Like I said my H was spanked and hit and he became way more defiant. It just made him want to act out more because he was mad at his parents.

Everything's have seen is very focused on rewarding the good. It is definitely hard to do. I catch myself yelling at him to stop yelling and he definitely picks up in that too.

I think there is a good cop bad cop in every house to an extent. As long as it isn't too pronounced then it is ok.

[britbratjf]

Hum. Well H & I really haven't run into conflicting parenting styles but I can't say I think that spanking to stop hitting will do anything positive. I have no problem with spanking but would reserve it for dangerous behavior (i.e.kid runs into the street I would spank to scare them into never doing it again....worked for me?). Can you talk to him about redirecting the hitting to an object? Tell D that when he feels upset or frustrated & wants to hit he can hit a pillow to help himself feel better instead of people

[sarasansh]

We're struggling with this some too. I'm the type to do research/read books and find a "proven" method or theory to try. I feel like H tries to follow my lead but ends up getting frustrated and mostly results to threats. For example, I started saying to Robin "Look at me," but not in a stern tone, just as a way to get his attention so I know he's listening. H has taken that and uses it in a very stern or almost yelling way, and then usually follows it up with a threat ("if you keep doing that no more tv") which is frustrating because now I can't use it at all because it makes him think he's in trouble.

We also butt heads because Robin is so much like me--emotional, sensitive--and that frustrates MH too. I've caught him saying "No, you're fine, you are not allowed to get upset about this" before, which really upsets me.

He also has a tendency to harp on Robin, I feel. Or has moments where he misunderstands what Robin was doing and things are actually fine, but can't not say something.

Mostly this is commiseration on my part. I still don't know how to approach this conversation without putting MH on the defensive or making it seem like I think he's parenting him wrong/poorly.

The one strategy that has worked is when I hear MH getting frustrated with Robin I'll tap him out and take over. That way I can handle the situation in sometimes what I think is a more effective way (or at least I'm not out of patience like he is.)

[mightybee]

OMG sarasansh--a lot of what you said rings true for me. Along the lines of "don't get upset," my H has used the "don't cry, stop crying." I get it's use for whining, but I'm all about healthy crying and letting go of big emotions that way. If they can't cry in front of us, where will all of that hurt, fear, confusion go?? Another thing he has started doing when they watch football together is label the teams the 'bad guys' and the 'good guys.' I catch myself throwing 'nobody is "bad," sometimes we just make bad decisions or mistakes' a lot more often!

So H does bedtime by himself while I work in the evenings, so I feel a bit helpless that I can't easily "tap in," though that sounds like a good strategy.

I was tentative going into the conversation last night for the same reasons you gave. I sensed a bit of defensiveness stirring up (and usually I'm the Queen of Defensiveness when we have talks!), so I know this is a touchy subject for him. I know we both feel like we are doing the best that we can given the situation and that situations can be hard! I should put Peaceful Parents, Happy Child on his Audible queue and just see what happens. Ha! I used a lot of talking points from the book, but I know he doesn't "buy into" the emotional-focus of her method.

It's comforting knowing other couples struggle in some areas of parenting. I can't believe I thought otherwise. It's such a touchy subject though, how to grow together as parents without making the other feel critiqued.

[sarasansh]

mightybee Just sneak it on there!

Another part of our issue is that MH supports all the reading/research I do but doesn't want to do any himself. So I'll read a book and really like it, but rather than read it he wants me to explain the whole thing to him. Obviously some parts get lost in translation and I feel like it doesn't impact him the same way if he read it himself.

I'm also finding--and I think you might be too--that staying at home makes it harder on H in regards to discipline. Robin spends his whole day with me parenting him one way, and then H comes home and it's kind of a free for all. Plus he tests limits with MH wayyy more since he's not around all day.

Have you looked into RIE at all? That's another theory/method I've read a bunch about and really like. Some of it I find a little silly, but the stuff relating to emotional need and discipline resonate with me. I think Robin responds well to it too.

[bantyrooster]

We are def different in our ways but have set "rules" I guess. We are generally pretty on the same page though our words are different. And when we disagree the less extreme person wins. If its spank/no spank or how much candy.

[mightybee]

sarasansh I have not heard of RIE, but I'll check it out. Sounds like my cup of tea. Any particularly good source on it or did you just search thr interwebz? And now I want to go shopping at REI.

[sarasansh]

mightybee I use RIE.org and janetlansbury.com

[bliz1712]

My H is very similar to yours mightybee, and he especially has very little patience which isn't the easiest with kids. He's even said that he would like to discipline more but he doesn't because of how I react. He is a believer in spanking and I've sort of changed my views on it from when V was little. I have used it a few times, but it's not my first choice. It is one of the biggest struggles we have regarding the kids, because then H doesn't help with any discipline and it all falls on me. However, I don't just want him to spank because she won't eat her food (yes that's what he's threatened and done before). I can't really argue with him because V has turned out great and he used spanking, but she never really needed it either. Also, I have a hard time punishing Hanna for things she does when she's learning them from V and he doesn't punish her. Honestly, it's tough having a 12 year old with their talk back know it all attitude and a 3 year old. Hanna looks up to her and obviously does what she does. Hanna has picked up on a lot of things that I don't think she would have if they were closer in age.