*~*~Loss Check-In 1/14~*~*

[flutterfly88]

Welcome to the Loss check-in! This is a board-wide check-in for all of us who have suffered a late term pregnancy or child loss. As this is a board-wide check-in and we are all at different stages in our grief, please remember to post warnings for any subjects related to pregnancy or living children.

I am also so sorry to have to welcome any new loss moms this week but am so glad that you have found us. I hope we can bring each other some much needed comfort and support. Please feel free to join in when you are ready and share as much or as little as you wish. Also, if you have any questions you would like answered, just ask! Any lurkers out there please don't be shy, we would like to be able to support you too. Also if you're ever in need of a check-in and one hasn't been posted recently, feel free to get one started. (You can copy and paste this post).



1. Have you taken any new steps towards healing lately?


2. Have you set any goals for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?


3. Rants/Raves/Anything else you want to share?

[iheartbroccoli]

1. Have you taken any new steps towards healing lately?
We're finally going ahead with the funeral service. It will be next Sunday. I don't want to think about it, but I know having it will do me some good. I plan on going back to work in February, which I am looking forward to. And my husband and I are planning on having a weekend away each month for the next 2-3 months. It's giving us something to look forward to.

2. Have you set any goals for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?
Someone at our church is starting a ministry for parents who have lost a child. I want to get involved and help anyway I can. My goal is to reach out to the ministry lead after the funeral and let her know I'm interested in being involved.

3. Rants/Raves/Anything else you want to share?
My husband's birthday is next month and I have no idea what to do for him. He doesn't like gifts, but I try to plan something fun and different for us to do each year. But I'm at a total loss this year. He came up with a great idea for my b-day in March, and I must match it. Lol.

[rslh10]

1. Have you taken any new steps towards healing lately? -- Our loss is still very fresh for me, so no. I mean I guess maybe in a way I have? I set my mind to learning to crochet newborn beanies for the stillborn babies at my hospital, so I bought my hook and yarn yesterday. I felt ready finally. I've been youtubing how to do it and spent 3 hours just trying to get the basic things working last night...already frustrated. But I made a promise to myself in the hospital that I would learn, and I want other babies to have beautiful hats like Kenley did. I'm making the hats for her, for all the babies like her, and all the parents like us.

ETA-- I spoke with the hospital chaplain and wanted to dedicate something at the hospital in Kenley's room on the L&D floor. I would have loved to get a plaque with her name on it by the door or something, but we decided that we are going to get a rocking chair for that specific room. The rocking chair will be chosen/purchased by us, and will have a plaque with whatever we want on it. I'm so excited that her memory will be in that room for a long time to come. My heart hopes that some day I can go back to that room and rock my rainbow baby in the chair we bought for Kenley. Maybe I will look into purchasing one for the mother and infant floor as well.


2. Have you set any goals for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?-- I guess the hats could go in either section here. It's my goal to make some. I also am going to try and lose 40 lbs. My RE told me before my last IUI that if we need IVF, he suggests losing 40 lbs. Thats my goal. It's all for my sweet girl.


**lc mentioned**
3. Rants/Raves/Anything else you want to share?-- my DS is turning 5 on Feb 7th. I was supposed to have a small party for him this year because I was going to be exhausted from a newborn keeping me up...I was looking forward to it. But now, I have no desire to even have the party. I feel awful because I was always so excited to plan it for him and this year I cried while buying the most generic birthday items. I know he won't care what it is like, and he will love and enjoy it, but it hurts my heart. I was supposed to give him a sister and instead he's getting a shitty last minute birthday party.

I also had a very hard time yesterday as it was DH's first day back to work. When he got home I had a meltdown. I hate that life has to feel "normal" again...I wanted to be greeting him at the door with my perfect daughter and instead he got a sobbing wife. I don't know how this is ever going to get easier. This is a pain that hurts in my bones. I can't even begin to believe it still.

[murrt]

Hugs all around ladies

1. Have you taken any new steps towards healing lately?
In December, I bought an ornament to honor our baby. It was the first thing I did to really commemorate our child aside from talking. It felt really good and DH teared up in a good way. I was really nervous about showing him, but it went really well. I'm also continuing to check in with my therapist. She's very helpful dealing with both our loss and infertility.

2. Have you set any goals for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? I want to get pregnant again. That is my goal. DH and I suffer from infertility and it's been a long road. After our loss, we cycled again after a summer off and it was too soon. I had PTSD from blood draws and ultrasounds - remembering our traumatic loss from our first IVF cycle. We had a miscarriage that cycle, followed by another cycle with a BFN. Now, I'm ready, and we're trying once again. I'm also trying to lose weight to improve our chances and our theoretical future baby's health.

3. Rants/Raves/Anything else you want to share?
I'm having a hard time being jealous at the blissfully naive. It makes me mad to see Facebook posts with early pregnancy announcements, or friends talking about which month they want to try to get pregnant. Even the IF ladies make me angry when they plan to get multiple embryos and assume IVF #1 will end with a healthy take-home baby. Getting pregnant easily, even with fertility treatments, and having a healthy baby, it's just not that easy. I'll never get to walk the blissfully naive path, but the path of heartache and the path of maybe never having a living child are possible. And unlike those other women, I'm so painfully aware of what might go wrong.

[wrenofthesea]

Thank you for running the check in flutterfly88

iheartbroccoli I will be thinking of you and your family next Sunday and as you prepare for the funeral. That is a good idea to plan a monthly excursion. MH and I did something similar and it was nice for us to look forward to something when it seems there isn't much to look forward to.

rslh10 I love the idea of the rocking chair. I also love the idea of making the newborn hats. From an IRL support group I went to and also my own experience, having clothing, hats, blankets, etc for stillborn or recently passed infants was really touching, meaningful, and just meant so much to us. It really meant a lot that there was something special for our babies provided at the hospital and I know my own nurse that helped me through so much really liked being able to give us something special to take home with us since we couldn't bring our daughter home.

murrt I am glad that you found a special ornament and that YH also liked it. ((hugs)) as you start trying again. While my situation and experiences are different I had something similar in that the first couple of months we began trying after our loss I would have major panic attacks and flashbacks around the time we would test and I realized it was too soon for us (or at least for me). I wanted to get pregnant, but waiting some more months was really helpful for me emotionally and I felt better about that (it was still hard but less so than those earlier months).

[wrenofthesea]

1. Have you taken any new steps towards healing lately?
This past week I finally got a nice keepsake box to put the rest of Lillian's special mementos, like her footprints, hospital documents and death certificate and all the cards (both from the baby shower and also sympathy cards). I have a special box from the hospital that holds her other things, but I needed something for the bigger stuff. It feels good to finally have it out of the cardboard box and into something special and secure though it was really difficult to go through and read some of the cards and look at her little footprints.


2. Have you set any goals for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?
I need to start communicating better with MH. Lately I have been in quite a funk and while in the past we have never had much trouble communicating I feel this time it is just hard to open up to him and let him in. He is wonderful and supportive, never puts me down or dismisses my thoughts/feelings, but yet I feel this is some very personal journey that I am having a hard time sharing with him. So, I guess my goal is to make a more concerted effort to let him in and maybe try planning special things for us.

3. Rants/Raves/Anything else you want to share?
Not much right now.

[flutterfly88]

iheartbroccoli , I will be thinking of you on Sunday, I hope the service goes well. I love your plan of getting away with YH. The ministry at your church sounds interesting, care to share more about it?


rslh10, so many beautiful things you are planning on doing in Kenley's memory. I'm sure the hats will be appreciated. How is the process going? I'm sorry about the party for YS, I'm sure he will love whatever you do for him. (((hugs)))


murrt, good luck with the weight loss and trying again. I'll be rooting for you! I so understand your jealousy around the naive, I've been there too. (((hugs)))

wrenofthesea, I'm glad you found a keepsake box for Lillian's things. Have you been able to communicate with YH/do you have a special thing planned yet?

[flutterfly88]

1. Have you taken any new steps towards healing lately? No, not really.


2. Have you set any goals for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? I think a lot about the what if's and "if Parker hadn't died, my life would be like 'this' right now". I need to work on not doing that as much, it just makes me sad and makes me miss him so much more.


3. Rants/Raves/Anything else you want to share? ***living child mentioned***
When I go into clothes stores and see the sibling clothes (Little brother/big brother etc) I feel sad. I want to buy them for DS2 to wear, but I think people would think I'm weird/judge me for it. I'm so sad that DS2 will miss out on having a big brother and I worry that Parker will be forgotten by our family and friends. And I hate the question "is he your first?" sometimes I just answer yes because it's easier, but I always feel guilty, because in reality, he may be my first living child, but he's not my first born.

[iheartbroccoli]

flutterfly88 I don't have much information on the ministry yet, but will be happy to share once I get more.

For what it's worth, I wouldn't think you are weird for buying sibling clothes. Someone in a support group I'm in posted the cutest picture of a onesie that said "Picked by an angel in heaven for earth", and I thought that was the most adorable thing.

And thank you and wrenofthesea for your thoughts for Sunday.

Big hugs to everyone.