Having a tough time

[runningmommy519]

My 2nd preemie turns 6 months tomorrow. 3 people I know have had babies in the last week or so. Full term. Home within a day or two. Another is in labor now. A few friends are posting big pregnant bellies. I'm kind of a mess because I feel like I missed out. I'm not having more kids so I'll never get to experience a full term baby. I'm happy for them all but I feel cheated.

Today I was playing with my 2nd on the floor and I started sobbing. I'm so happy he's here and healthy but man I wish I could have carried to term.

I look at my first who is 97% for height at almost 4. If he was almost 5 he'd still be in the 62% He's tall!!! think of how smart he is.... Advanced in fact... I think of how amazing he is. He was napping while I was crying but if he was awake he would have hugged me and asked me why I was sad.

I'm grateful to be a preemie parent. It's taught me a lot. But damn sometimes it hurts.

Thanks for listening.

[motownthrowdown]

One of my friends from college just announced that she's due in may (same month dd was born in). She's a spoiled brat and her Facebook announcement was her, pushing two carts full of baby stuff and maternity clothes.

I feel very conflicted. I mean, good for her, but part of me wants to smack her for assuming that she will have a 9 month pregnancy. That everything will be perfect. That she assumes that she'll get big enough to wear the giant maternity clothes.

I might have to block her. I'm sure she's going to talk her parents into giving her a million dollar shower and I don't think I could stand looking at pictures of her with her huge stomach without a care in the world.

My shower was about a month after dd was born. She was fighting sepsis and meningitis. I had to leave twice to go pump in the bathroom. I had to pretend like everything was fine.

I don't think it's possible to just "get over" being a Preemie parent. We miss out on so much of being pregnant, on the labor experience, on being pregnant at a shower, on getting to take our babies home with us when we are discharged. I'm really hoping the bitterness and fury will dull with time. I've been home with A for about 6 months now and I feel like we just got her home yesterday. I still change her clothes like I would in the nicu (bottoms up, nothing over her head) because sometimes I forget that she doesn't have the cannula or the feeding tube. I was watching the news on TV a couple weeks ago and they had a segment where they were in a nicu and the alarms went off and even though I was looking right at her, sleeping in my house, my heart stopped and I reached out to rub her back because her apnea alarm was going off.

I feel like that was kind of rambling. But we're here for you.

[wicked22]

My second preemie just got discharged yesterday after playing the maybe game for 4 days. I played the maybe game for 3 days with DS. Most people will never have to experience that with their kids and I'm insanity jealous of that. Add that to being a single mom because daddy's a crazy dbag and I can't help but think the powers that be owe me some good juju.

I may or may not have another child at some point down the road but 2 kids at 32 week and both under 4 lbs leaves me to believe ill never get a normal pregnancy even with there being a different dad involved. Ill never get a normal maternity leave, maternity photos, and so many other things. Then the devils advocate in me says that we are super lucky. Both kids at the moment are healthy and our NICU time was 5w1d and 4w3d. I haven't had any complication after birth due to the high blood pressure. DS is doing amazing developmentally and hopefully DD will be as well.

[minae01]

I totally get it all. I struggled with these same feelings - loss, jealously, what ifs... They never truly go away, and I accept that. I'm terrified that another preemie is in my future. I try to think on the positive - I'm grateful for the beautiful boys I have at home. I'm rather go through the whole NICU roller coaster and bring home a baby eventually than have no babies of my own.

We preemie moms are so strong! We share a unique bond and understanding that other moms do not have. Hang in there, everyone!

[jense927]

I'm a little late to this but just wanted to say that so many of these thoughts rang true for me too. I'll never forget being wheeled down to the front lobby of the hospital waiting for the car to be brought around and seeing 2 other mom's being wheeled down and waiting as well. The one huge difference being that they were holding their babies in their arms. It was such a punch in the gut.

I feel so lucky that I got my shower while I was still pregnant. I had DS exactly 1 week later. I had an early shower (30 weeks) because of the holidays being mixed in the time table. I'm sorry for those of you who missed it.

I really hope that when we do get pregnant again that I can carry to term. It used to be the first thing on my mind but I am trying to focus on one worry at a time. I try to always see a positive side of things but having a preemie and missing out on "normal" there just isn't a positive spin I can find...

[motownthrowdown]

jense927, the only "positive" I can find is that some of us (myself included) and/or our babies wouldn't be here if not before premature delivery. If my OB team hadn't already been watching me for pre-e, if I hadn't done the weekly pee jug and blood work, if I hadn't noticed when the line on the fetal monitor slowed down...it would have been Sybil on downton for me, only at 28 weeks.

And that's not even really a "positive" so much as a yay for not dying lol.

[runningmommy519]

jense927 I got a shower with my first. He was born two days later. Glad I could have one before but I had my mom following me around telling me to sit down and relax with my feet up. I had to open gifts laying down because I was suppose to be on bedrest

With my first they moved me to a room right next to another new mom. I got to listen to her baby cry while mine was at the NICU 1.5 hrs away.

With my second they assigned a 39 week pregnant nurse to take care of me. She was wheeled past me with her baby following while I was heading to the special care nursery. This was about two weeks later.

I also would have been Sybil with my first and in both cases it's likely both of my kids wouldn't be here. I'm grateful I am alive and that they are to but it's hard I'll never experience how it's suppose to be.

[motownthrowdown]

runningmommy519 wtf about that nurse?! We had a pregnant nurse taking care of A in the nicu once. She was a floater from the PICU and I had to get the charge nurse to replace her because I could not stop crying whenever I saw her.

[runningmommy519]

Jan 19, 2016 15:10:20 GMT -5 motownthrowdown said:

runningmommy519 wtf about that nurse?! We had a pregnant nurse taking care of A in the nicu once. She was a floater from the PICU and I had to get the charge nurse to replace her because I could not stop crying whenever I saw her.

I know. At least in this case E was down the hall. It would have been much worse otherwise. But it still sucked.

[runningmommy519]

Feb 2, 2016 3:14:29 GMT -5 @**** said:

As my babies are nearing their 1st birthday, I am flooded with all of the emotions mentioned. That was going to be my last pregnancy no matter the outcome and it was the most stressful and heart breaking one. I am often sad about not carrying them to term and when things come up that are directly related to their prematurity I feel guilt. My husband doesn't quite understand and he gets frustrated when I say things about being sad I didn't get a chance to finish my pregnancy.

I remember the 1st birthday being the hardest. I suspect it will be the same with my second.

Hugs to you.