Updated - Help/Advice with Spilling the Beans

[lawndog1216]

So, 2nd tri is fast approaching and I'm not going to be able (in good conscience) to get through the weekend without telling my mother I'm pregnant. I've alluded to the fact that she's going to be displeased by this news, but I need to give a little back ground and then I need some advice. Also, I really hope this post doesn't offend anyone -- it's not my goal in posting this. I know how very blessed and lucky we are, and this should really be a non-issue. But I know my mother, and I'm at a loss.

Important bullets, because otherwise I'll end up writing an autobiography:

• My mom now lives about 15 miles away from us - she moved from 500 miles away after my father passed in February of 2008 to be near me, the youngest of three - and she takes care of DD once a week for us.
  
• When I was in middle school, my mom went back to work as the executive assistant to the chairman of the dept of OB/GYN of a large medical school/hospital. She was there over 20 years and as a result she has an intimate knowledge of all there is to know about Maternal-Fetal medicine.
• I told her I was pregnant with my first the day after I found out (5w even) and first she was stunned (I was 39, she assumed we wouldn't have kids) but then happy for me. Later she told me she didn't eat for two days after that because she was so worried and upset. 
• After DD was born and the post partum time had passed, my mother let it fly that she had been a nervous wreck my entire pregnancy, she never slept and she couldn't handle all the stress knowing that my appointments were coming up and knowing how many "things" could have gone wrong. Granted, it was a one in a million pregnancy with a lot of issues, and she was proud of me for how well I handled all of the set backs - but she hoped to God I wasn't "foolish enough" to do it again, not at my age, not when we have such a perfect little girl now.
• We honestly did not think it was POSSIBLE to get pregnant again, and have been adamant with family members (especially in-laws) that we were One and Done.
  
• Almost weekly (down from almost daily the first 6 months of DD's life) I hear something from my mother along the lines of "God aren't you glad you're done having kids... I can't imagine." And up until my BFP, I always agreed with her. Since my BFP, I've simply changed the subject.

I wanted to wait until we heard a heartbeat, but when that happened I decided I wanted to wait until the NT scan, which is this Friday. I felt like the more information I could give, the better we'd be. Now I'm in my head so much about this, I'm convinced she'll be pissed for a variety of reasons and not just that I'm pregnant. So here's my question:

Would you tell her in person, with the "light of her life" DD present and MH present, or would you tell her over the phone? A large chunk of me says, "she deserves to hear the news in person and see that we're happy and excited about it" but another part of me says, "I don't deserve the tear-down that's going to happen, and telling her over the phone will allow her to process it in her own way."  Historically, I've always told her big news in person (I'm moving to a new state, I'm going to grad school, I'm getting married, I'm pregnant) even when it was physically inconvenient to do so. MH, who already thinks I let my mother's opinion influence me too much (pot/kettle/black/whatever issue there...), is up for anything as long as we tell.

ANY help advice input whatever is greatly appreciated. So are prayers, positive vibes, and crossed fingers, toes, and tits. Thanks a ton ~


UPDATE:  I went to see my mom in person this a.m. and took DD with me. MH blew his back out yesterday and is stuck on the floor at home, otherwise I  would have taken him. I'm thrilled to eat a little crow here and say she was great. Her initial look was that I punched her in the gut and slapped her upside the head, but she recovered quickly and actually said she "knew it" - I look "too good" to not be pregnant (apparently I'm GLOWING). I think it really helped that I was able to report what the MFM doc said yesterday and that all of our testing came back in the clear. She thinks it's a great thing that DD will have a sibling, and overall said this was just a really good thing.

Thanks a MILLION for the calm heads and great advice here. I'm so glad I was wrong and folks like girlonabike were right!!

[abvintage]

I'd tell her in person but 1 on 1. To be fair I get she is nervous but you need to explain to her that you really don't want her stressing the same way she did last time. I might even offer to bring her to an appointment to get some peace of mind. It sounds like it's not that she's unhappy she's just a worry wart at heart. Be honest and confident in your delivery of the news. I'm hoping for the best for the conversation.

[divinemsbee]

Over the phone so that, if it's as bad as you're worried it's going to be, you can hang up. I'd be worried that if you did it in person with your DD and H there, she would probably give you a tight response and you'd just have to deal with the fallout later.

Other option, meeting for something like coffee (not committing yourself to a meal) and telling her in public-ish, but you could still walk away if it broke bad.

[girlonabike]

I would do it face to face. It's a lot easier to say hurtful/not-meant things when you can't see the other person. Also, please don't put your daughter in the middle of this. It's not fair to her to use her like that. This has nothing to do with your current daughter, and I doubt seeing the "light of her life" is going to change her feelings about this new kiddo.

Your mom's problems are not your problems. Yup, she's probably going to be upset, worried & probably angry. None of that is your fault or your problem. She is an adult and capable of handling her own emotions. You don't need to manage them for her.

Prepare yourself for her venting her worries at you. Try to remember that they are HER worries, and that they don't need to affect you. But if you do start feel uncomfortable, stop the conversation and leave. You don't have to be her emotional punching bag.

Lastly, it sounds like she really really loves and cares about you. Hold onto that. Good luck!

Edited to add: also prepare yourself for the possibility that she reacts in a way that you don't expect at all, like positively? you admitted you are in your head about this too much, and it sounds like you've already decided how your mom is going to feel about this. That's not fair. Give her a chance to surprise you.

[queenb]

Honestly, given this situation I probably wouldn't even tell her yet. The longer you wait, the less she'll have to worry about. I understand she has legitimate fears, but I think it's very unfair to constantly remind you of everything that could go wrong. You are already pregnant so there is no point in her voicing her opinion and stressing you out right now. Your mom should be providing you comfort and reassurance throughout your pregnancy - if you know she won't be able to do that, I wouldn't feel bad about keeping her in the dark. I'm sorry you have to deal with this situation and I wish you good luck regardless of how you choose to handle things.

[thewop]

Tell her in person. Don't let her get you down, though. If what she says gets to be too negative, simply stop her and say "If you can't be happy for me, I'd rather you say nothing. Nothing you say is going to change the fact that I AM pregnant. We're happy, and we'd really appreciate your support."

I'm very much a 'stand up to your parents' person. You're an adult, why shouldn't you?

[lawndog1216]

Thanks for all of this really helpful information. I think I'm just a big pansy sometimes, but this has all helped me a ton.

Also: HOLY SHIT I'm grateful you read all of that! I wrote on my laptop and really didn't think it was THAT long until I opened up the mobile app. Jeez o Peet, sorry about that!

[heavenwhip]

I don't have much for advice as the pp's gave some great ideas, I just wanted to say good luck and let us know how it goes.

[lisamarie]

I'm in the thinking of keeping her in the dark as long as possible. If you already know she won't react in a positive way and will be stressed out worrying, then I wouldn't share the news until I had to. I think it may also be helpful to bring her to an appointment or two and ask your dr any questions/express any concerns she has to reassure her that all will be fine. If you must tell her, could you drop something off to her house when she's not home? Like a bundle of pink and blue balloons with a little poem or something (Pink or Blue, what will it be? We'll have to wait until August to see!)? So she can process it and then call you when she's ready. We did this a few pregnancies back, but not for the concerns you have. Best of luck to you!

[lebradford]

I don't think you owe it to her to tell her in person if it makes you uncomfortable. She has been pretty negative about your family (even if it was just out of concern for you).

Honestly, I think even if you emailed her and told her, and said that you weren't interested in hearing anything negative, and that you'd love to talk to her in person or on the phone once she's had a chance to think about it.

Bottom line, you don't have to hear out her worries and negativity if you don't want to.

Good luck!

[carolinah]

I'm sorry that telling your Mom is so stressful. I also think it's fair to tell her in person but preface with a warning that while you know she may not react well to the news, you need her to support you. If you are certain she will completely flip out, then I think it's OK to share over the phone so you can keep it short and let her call you back when she can be positive. Part of her comments may be meant to comfort you since she also believed you couldn't have more children and that's why you were OAD. I also don't think you have to tell her any time soon unless it's eating at you.

[annabananabomb]

I'm sorry this is so stressful for you! It sounds to me like you're pretty prepared for a negative conversation given how much you've gone over it in your mind, and I really hope that it turns out better than what you've been rehearsing.

I second pps who have suggested telling her in person, one on one.

This might be an unpopular opinion but I think that while the mother and father (particularly the mother) are obviously at the centre of the pregnancy, the pregnancy is not just something that happens to them, but is something that happens to the whole family. This rang very true for me when I miscarried our first bub. I saw how that experience affected my parents, parents-in-law, siblings, and close friends I understood how they had all brought their own hopes, dreams, fears and perspectives to the pregnancy. I think I've been more sensitive of that in this pregnancy than I was the first time around.

I'm also of the opinion that while you can be sensitive to other people's feelings, you can't be responsible for them.

It might help, when you have the conversation with your Mom, to acknowledge her emotions and her experience of your pregnancy. It might even help to share your own fears and feelings too.

I disagree with pps saying you should tell her you're not interested in hearing anything negative. I'd be worried about shutting down conversations and putting up walls between you.

Having said that I do think it's important, if you're going to take the route where you acknowledge her feelings, that you are also open with how her actions effect you. Have you ever tried to explain to her how her comments effect you? This could be a good chance. Acknowledge her feelings, be open about how it makes you feel that she is so nervous/anxious, tell her that you are focussing on being positive and happy about this pregnancy and that you hope she can share in the excitement.

Give her a chance to process the news, and give her a chance to share in the happy and excited feelings. If she can't and she's still verbalising to you all her fears and concerns and it's effecting your ability to enjoy the pregnancy then be open with her about that. Tell her you wish you could help her with her fears but that you can't listen to and support her while also remaining positive about your family and pregnancy. You could even suggest other ways she can find support (counsellor, friend, whatever).

My Mom is a bit of an over-sharer with me, we have a very close relationship but there are things that she has told me that I really wish she hadn't. I've had to find ways to sensitively put boundaries in place while also protecting our relationship and our closeness. I've learnt that being close to my Mom doesn't mean taking on all of her shit. I still get it wrong A LOT of the time

Anyway, I'm sorry if I've got the wrong read on the situation and if this advice doesn't apply or doesn't feel right for you please feel free to completely disregard it! I wont be offended in the slightest.

Good luck, sending good Mom juju to you.

[shortstack]

I will be the first to admit that I have a pretty poor relationship with my mother. She turned back to alcoholism when I was in middle school and our relationship was never the same since. I had a feeling I was going to receive a similar reaction because the month we conceived, she told me that I was too young to have kids and that I should wait (I'm 27 married for 3 years and in a steady job, she was in her late 30s when she had me). Since then, she has been a little bit of a nervous wreck because I told the family before the end of my first trimester. If we hadn't decided to tell everyone Christmas eve, I was going to send her Goodnight Moon with a card that said "Dear Grandma, Please read this to me when I arrive in August 2015. Love, Mom, Dad, and Baby Shortstack". I figured by doing it that way she could embrace what ever emotions she was feeling and then call me when she could be more appropriate.
I think you need to take a minute and check where your emotions are over the weekend. If you think she may not take it well, you may want to call so if you get overwhelmed you have a quick out (" Oh shit DD just got into something, I gotta go") or tell her with other family members there so she'll have to keep her emotions in check. If you feel like you can handle it, I'd tell her in person. One big thing to remember is that things are not often as bad as we think they will be. Good luck!

[sunshinelady15]

You have received wonderful advice so I will just add my good luck and positive vibes to the mix. You got this! Let us know how it goes. Just wear your lucky drawers. Everything goes good when you have on lucky drawers

[Deleted]

I agree with several posters about telling your mom in person. Remember to stay positive throughout the entire conversation. And maybe kindly remind her that this is what you want for you and your family and you would love for her to be happy for you and to be a part of it. But all moms worry, that's what they/we do, so you won't be able to do anything about that and that's ok. Good luck!

[wildermom]

I think it depends on how comfortable YOU are with the conversation. I'm more non confrontational so given this situation, I'd probably do it over the phone to give myself an easy out.

My in laws are also not super happy about grandkids in general or pregnancy. They're not even concerned for me or baby, just obnoxious self obsorbed people. MIL got an email (we don't talk to her) and FIL got a phone call. It didn't go particularly well and I'm glad DH could hang up the phone and immediately busy his mind.

So sorry you're stressed about this!