*~*~*Loss Check-In 2/18*~*~*

[flutterfly88]

Welcome to the Loss check-in! This is a board-wide check-in for all of us who have suffered a late term pregnancy or child loss. As this is a board-wide check-in and we are all at different stages in our grief, please remember to post warnings for any subjects related to pregnancy or living children.

I am also so sorry to have to welcome any new loss moms this week but am so glad that you have found us. I hope we can bring each other some much needed comfort and support. Please feel free to join in when you are ready and share as much or as little as you wish. Also, if you have any questions you would like answered, just ask! Any lurkers out there please don't be shy, we would like to be able to support you too.

Also if you're ever in need of a check-in and one hasn't been posted recently, feel free to get one started. (You can copy and paste this post if you want).



1. Have you taken any new steps towards healing lately?


2. Have you set any goals for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?


3. Rants/Raves/Anything else you want to share?

[flutterfly88]

1. Have you taken any new steps towards healing lately? *****Living Child Mentioned*****

It has been a harder week again. We just passed the second anniversary of my boy's EDD. If things had gone right, I would have a one year old right now, instead I have a 2 month old. I love my baby, but miss my Parker so much. Anniversaries are hard.


2. Have you set any goals for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?
No goals right now, although I had a small one that I accomplished. In the business of life we don't get to the cemetery as much these days. So I wanted to visit him on theanniversary of his due date. We brought flowers and balloons and DH gave me a few minutes alone at the grave which was so helpful.

3. Rants/Raves/Anything else you want to share?
DH has applied for a job on the other side of the country and as much as it would be an amazing opportunity, there is a part of me that doesn't want him to get it. I would feel so much guilt at leaving behind my Parker, even though I know it's only his physical body we buried. I believe his spirit is in heaven. As much as I love the cemetery we picked and the marker we had made for him, I sometimes wish we had him cremated, so I could keep him with me forever.

[iheartbroccoli]

Thanks for the check in!

1. Have you taken any new steps towards healing lately? We ordered our Molly Bear, and attended a support group on V-Day (how romantic!). It was really helpful for both of us, though my husband does not want to return. I plan on going back, I really liked talking to other grieving moms in person about what I'm going through.


2. Have you set any goals for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? Not really any goals at this point...


3. Rants/Raves/Anything else you want to share?

I'm really struggling with the autopsy results. Pulmonary hypoplasia is almost always a secondary cause, a symptom of another disease/illness. The autopsy showed no cause of his pulmonary hypoplasia, and he had no other health issues. It's hard to accept that all of these doctors don't know what happened. We took our case to a specialist to review, and she found no issues with the prenatal care or the tests done, and said from everything in our medical record there was no way to know he wasn't developing lungs. We've baffled everyone.

So we are doing some genetic testing, but the genetic counselor told us not to expect any results. There isn't a known genetic disorder that causes primary pulmonary hypoplasia. It's possible it is a genetic mutation that caused his lung issue. The genetic testing won't be done for a few more months as they are going to look at every one of his genes. So we're going to not think about the genetic test until we hear back.

It's frustrating, and we're trying to accept we will probably never get the answer we want.

[iheartbroccoli]

flutterfly88, Hugs. I can only imagine right now what it's like to pass an anniversary. I'm glad you got the chance to visit your son, and that it was helpful for you.

[flutterfly88]

iheartbroccoli I'm glad you found an IRL support group, I hope it continues to be helpful.
I'm sorry that you haven't gotten the answers you were looking for. I hope the genetic testing will bring you more answers. ((((Hugs))))

[murrt]

flutterfly88, I'm so sorry this has been a tough week for you and Hugs to you for passing what would have been Parker's first birthday!

iheartbroccoli, I'm sorry it seems like there won't be answers for you. I'm glad you found the IRL support group.


As for me,

****Possible trigger warning********
Pregnancy Mentioned


1. Have you taken any new steps towards healing lately?

I'm very recently pregnant (5 weeks) after going through more fertility treatments, and it's brought up so much about our lost baby. I'm so grateful and so scared about this pregnancy, and my loss is like a fresh wound again. But, I need to stay calm and hopeful, so I am doing my very best to focus on this fetus growing inside me right now, which I think is what I need to be doing at the moment.

2. Have you set any goals for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?
Finally, thinking about things like visiting my OB's office or planning to deliver at the hospital is just too much PTSD. My heartbeat quickens just thinking about it. I've decided that if this baby sticks, I will deliver at a different hospital and choose a different OB. Also, I think I need to see my therapist to work through these and the feelings I outline below. I'm going to wait until after the ultrasound next week and then talk with her.

3. Rants/Raves/Anything else you want to share?

I've shared here before that my husband and I struggle with infertility and had to go through IVF to get pregnant. I got pregnant this time with a frozen embryo transfer. It's still very early, (5 weeks) and I'm very nervous.

Though we did PGS testing, I know that it doesn't detect everything. I'm scared. I'm scared both because I worry there may be something wrong with this baby too, or I might have a miscarriage.

I'm also struggling with thinking about how to answer "Is this your first?", once we go public (hopefully), with this pregnancy. It happened to me already at the doctor's office when I was sick and trying to figure out if I needed antibiotics. The nurse was advising what OTC meds I can take and said to me, "You've been pregnant before right?" I answered yes and she said, "So you have a little one at home". I replied no and she quickly realized her mistake. I kept it together until I left the doctors and then I just started bawling. What do I say to the question of "is this your firs?" How do I acknowledge my lost baby while still allowing the focus to be on this current blessing? It's confusing, and sad, and scary.

I wish I could be one of those happy people that just assume their pregnancy will work out because they don't know any better. I'm actually having a hard time on my birth month board because some women are having conversations about genetic testing and saying things like "I'm not worried because we don't have a family history". I want to shout, "Guess what? Neither did I!?" But I know it's not OK to scare them all. It makes me ragey though that they get to be blissfully naive and it probably will work out for them, when I've been fearful of my shadow since I got the IF diagnosis and up until now, things have just gotten worse. And so many are talking about happy things like when they'll announce their pregnancy. It shocks me that so many have already announced at just 5 or six weeks. And it makes me rage again (internally, not on the board).

[flutterfly88]

murrt, first off, Congratulations!!!! I completely understand what you're going through with other people being blissfully naive about pregnancies. It is hard. Have you checked out the CAR board? One of their mantras that helped me a lot was "today I am pregnant and I love my baby". It helped a little when the fear got great to remind myself to take things one day at a time.

****Living Child Mentioned****
As for the "is this your first" question. I still hate it. My answer will change on a situation basis. Sometimes I say no and tell Parker's story, sometimes I say yes, because this baby is my first living child and I'm not in the right place to get into my whole story and lately I've tried to use the response, "first living" that gives people the chance to decide if they want to hear more or not. So really just decide what makes you the most comfortable and it will probably change daily.

[peaseblossom55]

murrt so many hugs

1. Have you taken any new steps towards healing lately? Working with my therapist who is amazing. It's two steps forward and two steps back. The IVF process has made the loss somewhat harder more pronounced


2. Have you set any goals for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? Not really. I'm trying to live more in the moment than think I should have a 2 month old right now.


3. Rants/Raves/Anything else you want to share?
I feel like everywhere there are pregnant people and people getting pregnant and here are H and I struggling with IVF just to try to bring 1 healthy baby into this world. It seems so incredibly unfair. I'm fairly religious and feel like God is completely ignoring us right now.

[murrt]

Thank you flutterfly88,

So many hugs peaseblossom55. I remember feeling like everyone else was getting pregnant and it made my loss feel more pronounced. There is nothing I can say or do to help you through that, except please know that I am lurking you and rooting for you. I so wish you had better luck with more embryos from your first IVF. I'll continue to be stalking 3T/IF to see how you are doing.

Also, I don't know if this helps, but someone said to me something about God that has helped me. It was something like this:
I believe that God is not the pitcher but the catcher. What I mean is, God isn't up there doling out the pain and pleasure for all of us, rather he is there for us to go through both the happy and sad/painful times. I think of that poem "Footprints" when I think of this.....when you were struggling the most, that is when I carried you.

[flutterfly88]

Feb 19, 2016 18:53:42 GMT -5 murrt said:

Also, I don't know if this helps, but someone said to me something about God that has helped me. It was something like this:
I believe that God is not the pitcher but the catcher. What I mean is, God isn't up there doling out the pain and pleasure for all of us, rather he is there for us to go through both the happy and sad/painful times.

I love this!

[flutterfly88]

peaseblossom55, I'm glad that seeing a therapist is helpful for you. I know how hard trying to live in the moment and not dwelling on the "shoulds" can be. ((((Hugs)))). I'm sorry that the IVF process isn't going well. I'll be praying for you.

[peaseblossom55]

Feb 19, 2016 18:53:42 GMT -5 murrt said:

Thank you flutterfly88 ,

So many hugs peaseblossom55 . I remember feeling like everyone else was getting pregnant and it made my loss feel more pronounced. There is nothing I can say or do to help you through that, except please know that I am lurking you and rooting for you. I so wish you had better luck with more embryos from your first IVF. I'll continue to be stalking 3T/IF to see how you are doing.

Also, I don't know if this helps, but someone said to me something about God that has helped me. It was something like this:
I believe that God is not the pitcher but the catcher. What I mean is, God isn't up there doling out the pain and pleasure for all of us, rather he is there for us to go through both the happy and sad/painful times. I think of that poem "Footprints" when I think of this.....when you were struggling the most, that is when I carried you.

Thank you for this perspective.  I hadn't thought about it this way.  :-)

[suziq]

I am so sorry for everyone's losses...

So I guess that I now belong to this group. Tomorrow will be a week ago that we lost my 3 month old son. It still feels like I am living in a nightmare that I can't wake up from. Z died from complications after open heart surgery to repair an AVSD. We laid him to rest yesterday. I am so broken.

**** Living Child mentioned ****
We have a 5 year old daughter, and my heart just breaks for her as well. She is having such a rough time.

[murrt]

I'm so sorry suziq, This is the shittiest club to join, but we are all there for one another. I hope you get the support you need during this nightmare.

[rslh10]

*lc mentioned*

suziq I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet son, Z. When we had to tell my son (who is also 5) that we lost Kenley and she was t going to be coming home with us from the hospital, it was the worst pain. To see the pain in his eyes and be unable to take that away was very hard. I will be keeping you in my thoughts.

Again, I'm so sorry for your loss. Please feel free to talk about Z however/whenever you feel the need to. (((Hugs)))

[suziq]

Feb 19, 2016 22:38:30 GMT -5 rslh10 said:

*lc mentioned*

suziq I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet son, Z. When we had to tell my son (who is also 5) that we lost Kenley and she was t going to be coming home with us from the hospital, it was the worst pain. To see the pain in his eyes and be unable to take that away was very hard. I will be keeping you in my thoughts.

Again, I'm so sorry for your loss. Please feel free to talk about Z however/whenever you feel the need to. (((Hugs)))

*** LC mentioned *** 
She feels that she was robbed the chance to be a big sister.  She was so wonderful with Z. You are right, it is so hard to see them hurting and not be able to do a darn thing about it!  She has already started begging us to have another baby.  I don't think that she understands that it wouldn't be Z.

I am so sorry that you lost your sweet Kenley.  You are in my thoughts as well.

[rslh10]

1. Have you taken any new steps towards healing lately?---I've gotten the hang of crocheting the hats. In the hospital I made a promise that I would crochet hats for stillborn babies In honor of K. It was frustrating at first but now I've made a ton. It breaks my heart that she will never get to wear one, but I know how much they will mean to a loss mom when she's ready to look in her child's memory box one day.
I've also contacted a psychiatrist and therapist because I'm really struggling. I had a VERY bad week last week, and I realized I'm not doing as well as I thought. I know that I need help.


2. Have you set any goals for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?--- My goal is to make it through the day. Every day. It's a very broad goal, but it makes me feel like every day is a win, and honestly I need to know I'm accomplishing something. I've made a weird kind of goal, I guess? I am trying to load my calendar with things to keep me busy. So maybe that's a goal? I also want to lose about 30-40 lbs before we move to IVF when were cleared. 42 lbs down since I had K.

*lc mentioned*

3. Rants/Raves/Anything else you want to share?--- Were going to Chicago March 6-8. My son is obsessed with dinosaurs so I wanted to make sure he was able to see as many Dino fossils as possible. The field museum has the most complete t-rex, so that's where we are going. When we get home I have the appointment with my new MFM team and I hope on everything I have that they will allow us to start cycling ASAP. June would be ideal for me. That is 6 months from Kenley's loss...I think that is reasonable.

I've been struggling a lot. Valentine's Day was hard. Kenley got a Valentine's Day outfit for Christmas and it just haunted me. I knew how excited I was for her to wear it, and now she didn't get it. It was just hanging in her closet, taunting me I felt. It was a very very bad week last week. I felt very alone and lost. I was in a dark place. I feel a little better today and yesterday.

I really need a therapist to call me back. I'm
Ready to get things started as far as therapy goes. My husband is as well, I think.

[rslh10]

flutterfly88 so many ((hugs)). I'm dreading the EDD anniversary and it's almost a year away. I am dreading all holidays etc. The pain is still there even though life continues on. I'm so happy you were able to go see your sweet boys grave.

iheartbroccoli I was wondering about the Molly bear as well. I don't know if I would be able to have it here. It might cause me too much pain. Let me know how you feel when it arrives. I'm glad you went to an IRL support group, I think I want to Attend one as well. I don't think DH would like to go as he's a pretty private person. Maybe this is different, I'm not sure. I'm so sorry for your autopsy results. I hope that the genetic testing is able to give you some clarity on if there was an primary illness that caused the hypoplasia. ((Hugs))


murrt congrats, I've been stalking the 3T threads so I already knew this. I hope that you're able to find a positive mindset during all this. I can't even imagine. ((Hugs)) as far as the child question, I was just talking to my husband about this. I will always say I have two children (in my heart I have 4...but, the two early losses are harder to dive Into with strangers etc) Kenley is my daughter. I want everyone to know about her even if it makes those people uncomfortable. A simple X child, first living would do in my opinion.


peaseblossom55 sending so many (((hugs))) I've been stalking you on 3T. I feel the same as You. I should have a 2 month old. Life is not fair. Sending more love, friend.

[peaseblossom55]

Thank you I have a Molly bear as well when I feel sad and down I hold it. Its bring me some comfort
rslh10 I hate thinking about where life should be for us. It kills me every time. I wish things were different for us.

[flutterfly88]

suziq I am so sorry for the loss of your son, Z. Feel free to share as much or as little about him as you want. We are here to listen if you need it.

rslh10 I'm glad that you've gotten the hang of the hats. I'm so sorry about the hard week, but I think your goal is perfect for where you're at right now. I hope that you're able to get in to see a therapist soon. Sending so many ((((hugs)))) your way.

[iheartbroccoli]

suziq I'm so sorry for your loss.

murrt Congrats!! And thank you.

peaseblossom55 Hugs, I'm so sorry. I have those same thoughts too, my son should be just over two months. And I can't help but think about everything I had planned for him and how different life is than it should be. It sucks.

rslh10 Yay for getting the hang of making the hats! That is such a kind thing to do. I hope a therapist gets back to you soon, and I'm sorry for the hard week. Hugs.

And thank you, we're doing a little bit better now with the results. I'm hoping the genetic test comes back as definitively negative, but even inclusive is better in my mind then there being a positive result.

When my therapist suggested a Molly Bear, my first thought was that it wouldn't be very comforting to have. It just didn't sound like "me". But then MH and I started sleeping with one of Theo's stuffed animals, and that brought us more comfort than we were expecting, so I thought a Molly Bear might not be a bad idea. I'll let you know when we get it, the waiting list right now is 6-8 months.

flutterfly88 Thank you

[peaseblossom55]

Feb 20, 2016 19:18:57 GMT -5 iheartbroccoli said:

suziq I'm so sorry for your loss.

murrt Congrats!! And thank you.

peaseblossom55 Hugs, I'm so sorry. I have those same thoughts too, my son should be just over two months. And I can't help but think about everything I had planned for him and how different life is than it should be. It sucks.

rslh10 Yay for getting the hang of making the hats! That is such a kind thing to do. I hope a therapist gets back to you soon, and I'm sorry for the hard week. Hugs.

And thank you, we're doing a little bit better now with the results. I'm hoping the genetic test comes back as definitively negative, but even inclusive is better in my mind then there being a positive result.

When my therapist suggested a Molly Bear, my first thought was that it wouldn't be very comforting to have. It just didn't sound like "me". But then MH and I started sleeping with one of Theo's stuffed animals, and that brought us more comfort than we were expecting, so I thought a Molly Bear might not be a bad idea. I'll let you know when we get it, the waiting list right now is 6-8 months.

flutterfly88 Thank you

When I ordered my bear it October the next month they did a holiday pass donate a $100 and you get your bear before Xmas so I did that. I don't know if they will do other seasonal offers like that.

[iheartbroccoli]

peaseblossom55 I didn't know they did things like that, thanks! I'll keep an eye out.

[littleowl913]

murrt , Congrats!

****trigger warning*********

LC mentioned.


As flutterfly88 said, CAR is a great board for loss moms. When I was pregnant with my rainbow, I wished I was blissfully ignorant like moms who've never experienced loss but the CAR mantras do help a lot.

I sometimes struggle when answering the question of how many children do I have or if my rainbow is my first. Ronin will always be my first son but sometimes it's too hard to talk about him with strangers who have no idea about my losses (only a handful of people know about my first early loss). I mainly avoid telling strangers because I hate the expression of sadness on their faces.

[shandorfml2]

Hi ladies. Been a while since I've checked in. For those who don't know me, I lost my daughter to stillbirth on 3/2/13, her third birthday is coming up. I was active on the bump, and made the move over here last year.

1. New steps towards healing? I suppose I've come a long way since that first year. However it feels lately that things have been more difficult.

2. Goals- I really need to get back into eating healthy and walking. I feel so much better when I do. Food has always been a comfort to me. I also want to get out to the cemetery for Ana's third birthday next week. It's been a while since we've decorated, and this winter has been really mild. Should be easy to get to her. I want to get a number 3 balloon. I also bought a butterfly cake tin so we'll have a little party.

3. Rants/raves Just miss my girl. I think I've hit the point where I am just tired of grief, and know it's going to be life long. Things are definitely easier than they were in the beginning. I can function now, and do have happiness. I just wish my girl was here with me.

[shandorfml2]

iheartbroccoli, it is difficult to not have answers. I hope the genetic results give you some piece...or at least some knowledge. ((hugs))

murrt, big hugs. Pregnancy after loss is so hard. Once you get through those initial appointments, it gets easier. It is totally worth it all. Remember to breath, you can get through this! The "is this your first" question is difficult, and you will figure out what you are most comfortable with. *LC mentioned*. I still get asked all the time if he is our only/first. Usually if its a stranger I say yes. Some days I say no, and leave it at that. As he gets older and starts to talk, I will probably share more as he might mention his sister (we plan on being very open with him about his big sister).

peaseblossom55, I understand your feelings regarding God. Loss can rock faith. ((hugs) hope you can find peace (took me a long time)

suziq, I am so, so sorry for the loss of your son. It is not fair, and I wish you all comfort right now. ((hugs))

rslh10, I am so sorry for your loss. Ugh. (huge hugs). She is beautiful. I hope a therapist calls you back soon!

[rslh10]

shandorfml2 (((hugs))) lady. Thinking of your sweet Ana, and your family next week.

[iheartbroccoli]

shandorfml2 I'm very sorry for your loss. I'll be thinking of you as her birthday approaches.

And thank you.