Post by Captain Serious on Feb 18, 2016 10:01:25 GMT -5
UPDATE: I thought I should come back and update and thank you for sharing and all the well wishes. We asked for more information, and got some vague answers around one of our main areas of concern that left us with more questions. When I asked a few clarifying questions, we were ignored completely. So, I'm guessing they decided that our concerns make us not the right fit for this particular boy, or that what we were concerned about was pretty close to the reality and they didn't want to share that information with us just to find out that we wouldn't be comfortable having him come live with us. I wish him luck, and I know there were other families also considering the match, so I think he'll be okay.
While all this was going on, Children and Families went ahead and sent us an "intro to fostering" packet, including a wealth of information (way more than I expected this early on) and an application. We decided that since we were seriously considering this, we might as well go ahead and start the process, since it would take a while, and we would probably end up going the foster route after a while anyway. We filled most of it out, and had our initial talk with M. It turned out to be a really deep conversation, in which he asked a lot of really good questions. We talked about how the system here differs than from Peru's, about how TPR and foster vs. adoption works, possible ages, bedroom arrangements, how we would juggle three kids all with different activities, what expectations and rules a foster child would have, and what we would expect from M and J. The amazing thing is that most of these in-depth pieces were initiated by M.
He was really trying to envision how this would all work out (I guess the excitement of "won't you like another brother or sister" wore off after J was here to stay--HA!). I emphasized that we won't do anything if he's not okay with it, and that he does NOT have to say yes or just be okay with it. At one point, spooko , he said something to the effect of, "Well, it has to be good" and "he needs a home," but taking your advice, I explained that there were other ways we could help, and it didn't have to be by opening our home or family up at this time. I'm not sure he felt that he believed that anything else we could do would be as good, but I explained over and over again, that we DO NOT have to do this to help, and he should not feel bad to say he doesn't want to.
Usually with things like this, he comes back to us a day or two later with more questions/thoughts, and we've been waiting for that. He still hasn't brought it back up (since Friday), and we are letting it rest until after J's adoption day tomorrow.
Oh, did I mention it will be 4 years with J tomorrow? That is worth a mention all by itself. And probably a separate post tomorrow, too!
So, thank you all for your thoughts, insight, and good wishes. They were incredibly helpful and like all advice I get on this board, treasured. It looks like we will stay the way we are for right now, and slowly start to work towards possibly fostering elementary-aged kids in the future.
Original Post:
I can't believe I am writing this post. Some of you knew me, but many of you are new, so here's the briefest of backstory: my husband and I adopted our oldest son from Peru in 2010, when he was 7. While we were there, we meet my younger son, who was 3. We returned to adopt him in 2012, when he was 5. Although our adoptions were complete and fully legal before we left Peru, Peru requires 4 years of postplacement reports, every six months; our final visit is scheduled for next week. Over the years, we've gone through every issue imaginable (and sone that weren't!), and I have researched older child adoption thoroughly. We always thought that I've day in the future we might foster, but we just made a big move and career changes and our family is adjusting to ask the changes.
Throughout my life, many of the best things just sorry of "happened." This does not include the adoption of my son's, which we went about very deliberately, thank God, because otherwise, I don't think I could have handled half of what life there at us. Note we are in a situation in which we were short of approached as a possible foster family for a local 15-year old boy, and we are considering it. I only have limited information right now, but he seems like he might be a fit for our family and we could possibly be what he needs, too.
My boys are now 9 and 13. I understand all the reasons adopting out of birth order isn't usually recommended. But I also know that it often works out, especially in situations where the transition is slow and there is a lot of support. Did to this child's circumstances, he wouldn't be able to move in until July, so this would be a long transition process, in which we could get to know one another and learn as we go. That would also match our family's needs of first adjusting to our new circumstances.
I don't know if I'm crazy, and trying to fit a square peg in a round hole, but this just seems like it might be right. Can anyone share stories about fostering/adopting out of birth order and how it went? What were the difficulties, successes, and surprises? What should we be careful about? I'm all ears!
While all this was going on, Children and Families went ahead and sent us an "intro to fostering" packet, including a wealth of information (way more than I expected this early on) and an application. We decided that since we were seriously considering this, we might as well go ahead and start the process, since it would take a while, and we would probably end up going the foster route after a while anyway. We filled most of it out, and had our initial talk with M. It turned out to be a really deep conversation, in which he asked a lot of really good questions. We talked about how the system here differs than from Peru's, about how TPR and foster vs. adoption works, possible ages, bedroom arrangements, how we would juggle three kids all with different activities, what expectations and rules a foster child would have, and what we would expect from M and J. The amazing thing is that most of these in-depth pieces were initiated by M.
He was really trying to envision how this would all work out (I guess the excitement of "won't you like another brother or sister" wore off after J was here to stay--HA!). I emphasized that we won't do anything if he's not okay with it, and that he does NOT have to say yes or just be okay with it. At one point, spooko , he said something to the effect of, "Well, it has to be good" and "he needs a home," but taking your advice, I explained that there were other ways we could help, and it didn't have to be by opening our home or family up at this time. I'm not sure he felt that he believed that anything else we could do would be as good, but I explained over and over again, that we DO NOT have to do this to help, and he should not feel bad to say he doesn't want to.
Usually with things like this, he comes back to us a day or two later with more questions/thoughts, and we've been waiting for that. He still hasn't brought it back up (since Friday), and we are letting it rest until after J's adoption day tomorrow.
Oh, did I mention it will be 4 years with J tomorrow? That is worth a mention all by itself. And probably a separate post tomorrow, too!
So, thank you all for your thoughts, insight, and good wishes. They were incredibly helpful and like all advice I get on this board, treasured. It looks like we will stay the way we are for right now, and slowly start to work towards possibly fostering elementary-aged kids in the future.
Original Post:
I can't believe I am writing this post. Some of you knew me, but many of you are new, so here's the briefest of backstory: my husband and I adopted our oldest son from Peru in 2010, when he was 7. While we were there, we meet my younger son, who was 3. We returned to adopt him in 2012, when he was 5. Although our adoptions were complete and fully legal before we left Peru, Peru requires 4 years of postplacement reports, every six months; our final visit is scheduled for next week. Over the years, we've gone through every issue imaginable (and sone that weren't!), and I have researched older child adoption thoroughly. We always thought that I've day in the future we might foster, but we just made a big move and career changes and our family is adjusting to ask the changes.
Throughout my life, many of the best things just sorry of "happened." This does not include the adoption of my son's, which we went about very deliberately, thank God, because otherwise, I don't think I could have handled half of what life there at us. Note we are in a situation in which we were short of approached as a possible foster family for a local 15-year old boy, and we are considering it. I only have limited information right now, but he seems like he might be a fit for our family and we could possibly be what he needs, too.
My boys are now 9 and 13. I understand all the reasons adopting out of birth order isn't usually recommended. But I also know that it often works out, especially in situations where the transition is slow and there is a lot of support. Did to this child's circumstances, he wouldn't be able to move in until July, so this would be a long transition process, in which we could get to know one another and learn as we go. That would also match our family's needs of first adjusting to our new circumstances.
I don't know if I'm crazy, and trying to fit a square peg in a round hole, but this just seems like it might be right. Can anyone share stories about fostering/adopting out of birth order and how it went? What were the difficulties, successes, and surprises? What should we be careful about? I'm all ears!
